Husband struggling with unwanted divorce

[salparadise]

Because you showed her with your actions that smoking is higher on your priority list than the marriage, her and your kids.

 

You made a conscious decision to choose that over her.

 

And you may do it again if she comes back.

 

She can't trust you - and without trust there's no foundation for the M.

 

Look at it from her point of view. She's also protecting your kids. She's making healthy decisions based on her boundary. Nothing wrong with that - she's being a strong woman.

 

Eh, this is overstating and reinforcing the "evil person" bulls*t.

 

She ordered him to quit smoking pot, and he did for a long time, but then had a relapse. Smoking pot is not like shooting heroin. It's not endangering her kids, at least not directly. I'm not saying it's a good thing, just that it's not an atrocious, offense that justifies her getting protection orders and all of that crap.

 

I also don't agree with the characterization that he consciously chose it over her and his family.

 

I think she just checked out on the marriage at some point and smoking pot is the narrative she uses to paint herself as lily white, and him as the evil druggie.

 

She issued an order; she declared that he was not longer ALLOWED to smoke. He didn't comply fast enough or completely enough, so she kicked him out, got a protection order (when there was no actual danger) and won't speak to him. This is as much about who she is as about what he's done to offend her.

 

Of course she can declare the marriage dead and file divorce if she wants to, and based on what we know it looks like she's done just that... but at the same time creating a "bad guy" narrative that seems way over the top.

 

I've never heard of anyone being this offended about pot smoking, especially when she has also smoked it too. It's just how she has chosen to justify doing what she wants to do... and laying a big guilt trip on him. And she has been so forceful in shoving it down his throat that he believes it now too.

[rjthefirst]

Salparadise-

 

I guess a small correction is that she asked me to only smoke at night and I couldn't do that and got caught trying to smoke during the day repeatedly. She didn't order me to quit altogether.

 

I think it also shows the state of opinions of marijuana use in our country where some people see smoking pot like having a beer, and others closer to using heroin. I also think my wife was more concerned with how other people would perceive the pot use vs her own pretty liberal views on it. I guess the bottom line is its still an illegal substance in my state, and using it not being that great of a life choice for a father of two.

Edited July 27, 2016 by rjthefirst

[rjthefirst]

So she is willing to blow up a her upper middle class family with very young children over pot smoking and the fact your hiding it. Bullcrap...there is something else going on. Women in similar situations typically will tolerate years of abuse, alcoholism, drugs, infidelity etc...before they give up on their marriage. There is something or someone else going on.

 

 

 

I mean, if you say so. If anyone's in the picture it would have been after I left the house, that I'm pretty sure of though as we were very intimate right to the end and me leaving was a very angry and abrupt situation. I haven't seen any indication and i honestly don't know and don't care to 'investigate' - i honestly don't need anything else at this point to obsess and feel horrible over.

 

Also this is a situation that has been an issue for several years for us.

Edited July 27, 2016 by rjthefirst

[joyful]

i am very sorry for your pain. the breakup of a home is excruciating.

 

i just wanted to chime in about the daily weed smoking. it is not something that i could live with, especially from a husband in a home we shared with our young children. whether you perceive it as a serious addictive substance or not, you are getting high. you are appearing high; your motor function is delayed; you are zoning out. apparently, you are also secluding yourself when high and taking breaks from your family during the day on a daily basis. concealing and lying are the behaviors of addicts. so, for all intents and purposes, your behavior is that of a drug addict, and no one who is clean and committed to a sane and safe home life for their young children would tolerate that from a spouse indefinitely.

 

while i don't want you to wallow in self-pity, i also do not encourage minimizing what you have done, and the disease you have.

[rjthefirst]

i am very sorry for your pain. the breakup of a home is excruciating.

 

i just wanted to chime in about the daily weed smoking. it is not something that i could live with, especially from a husband in a home we shared with our young children. whether you perceive it as a serious addictive substance or not, you are getting high. you are appearing high; your motor function is delayed; you are zoning out. apparently, you are also secluding yourself when high and taking breaks from your family during the day on a daily basis. concealing and lying are the behaviors of addicts. so, for all intents and purposes, your behavior is that of a drug addict, and no one who is clean and committed to a sane and safe home life for their young children would tolerate that from a spouse indefinitely.

 

while i don't want you to wallow in self-pity, i also do not encourage minimizing what you have done, and the disease you have.

 

 

 

Joyful-

I really can't say anything to that other than you are right and I am committed to sobriety for the rest of my life now that I see how truly destructive addiction can be. I was in denial and was rationalizing my behavior for a long time, I think what you wrote is very close to what is going through my wife's head.

[Mr. Lucky]

I also don't agree with the characterization that he consciously chose it over her and his family.

 

I think she sees pot as the keystone to a set of destructive behaviors, described by the OP as:

 

(when I smoke I basically like to watch movies on Netflix, or play guitar), does not fit into our lifestyle and the way we want to raise our family. Daily smoking also changes my personality - I become more secretive, irritable, and I lie about the frequency of my use.

 

Doesn't sound engaged or connected as a husband or a father, shortcomings the OP seems to be working hard to address...

 

Mr. Lucky

[rjthefirst]

I also don't agree with the characterization that he consciously chose it over her and his family.

 

At the time I didn't 'consciously choose it over my family', I was very much in a fog at the time - if you would have asked me I would have said that I work 60 hours a week, it is a basically harmless activity that I do to deal with my stress at work. I justified it by telling myself - I don't drink or do any other drugs, I don't gamble, I don't even really go 'out with the boys' more than once in a blue moon. I was a 'good father' (again, my subjective opinion) and provider.

 

Now that I have clarity I can see that she indeed was very hurt and worried by my behavior, that every time I broke a promise I showed her that I did not respect or value her. And I took her ultimatums very lightly - I thought that I would have a chance to talk it out, maybe through marriage counseling if I had to. But I never anticipated she would just cut me off and file for divorce without giving me an opportunity to 'work it out'.

 

Like I said, this divorce has been a huge eye opener for me. I was very callous and insensitive to the woman I pledged to take care of the rest of my life. In the future I will place a much higher value on honesty, integrity, and trust. This is just such a painful way to learn these lessons.

[Redhead14]

I’ve been lurking on here and other online forums for a couple of months. Right I need to get my story down in writing - I think it will help me sort it out in my head, and it will allow me to vent about certain things without having to burden my friends and family again with my troubles.

 

This will be long, I’ll try to keep it to the bare minimum.

 

My wife asked me to separate in the beginning of May. I thought that I would sleep on my brother’s couch for a couple of nights and it would blow over, but it has snowballed into a full fledged divorce in the space of two months. I’m 45, my wife is 37, we have two kids, boy and girl age 5 and 7. When people asked what happened to cause this divorce, I tell them that it is my fault, because I did the most to cause this situation.

 

We have been married for 9 years. We have a great life, we own a fantastic home, and our kids are just magnificent. I would have said that we had a normal marriage, with ups and downs, but basically happy and loving. The issue that initially caused my wife to become so upset with me that she asked for a separation is - I have addiction problems with marijuana. I don’t really drink, and I don’t do any other drugs - but, I know I have problems with marijuana, because my wife asked me repeatedly to cut down my use of marijuana because it is causing issues in our relationship - and I was unable to do so.

 

About three years ago I went from a ‘once in a blue moon’ smoker to a ‘daily’ smoker. I don’t know what caused this shift in my usage - I think it was a response to increasing stress at work. My wife is not a prude, she smoked with me once in a while - but my daily use was alarming to her. I understand this - I’m a middle aged guy and a father, daily pot smoking, however innocuous it may seem to me (when I smoke I basically like to watch movies on Netflix, or play guitar), does not fit into our lifestyle and the way we want to raise our family. Daily smoking also changes my personality - I become more secretive, irritable, and I lie about the frequency of my use. We fought about it - and eventually I agreed to stop smoking. I quit cold turkey and did not smoke for 2 years. We both agreed later those 2 years were some of the happiest times in our marriage - we bought a new house, kids were growing up great, and I got a great paying new job.

 

For some reason, after not smoking for 2 years - I decided to start smoking again in January of this year. I think that everything was going so well for me, I thought I could regulate it. At first I only did it every once in a while - but I eventually started smoking every day. My wife found out and it shocked her. Even at this point - my wife tried to be understanding - she said - ok, if you can just smoke at night when kids are asleep that will be ok. And I couldn’t even do that. She caught me loading my one hitter during the day before I went to walk the dog. We fought. She went away for a week to visit her family, when she came back she forgave me, or at least things calmed down. And then a week later she caught me trying to smoke during the day again. This was the day about two months ago that she asked me to leave the house.

 

Things have gone rapidly downhill since then. The initial reason for our separation was my pot use and my lying and deception. She told me that she can’t trust me anymore, and lost a lot of respect and love for me. As the days passed, she became more and more angry with me - and started bringing up other issues from our marriage. She says that I don’t appreciate her contributions to our household, she says that I’m withdrawn and antisocial a lot of the times, and she brought up mean things I’ve said over the years she was still angry about. One day we had an argument and she called the police to have my removed from the house, and filed a ‘temporary order of protection’. I raised my voice, but only to make a point. I did not verbal abuse her. And I certainly did not physically abuse or threaten her, this is just not in my nature. I’m still in shock that she filed a ‘temporary order’ against me.

 

The order was eventually dismissed - basically because there is no basis for it in reality. But she immediately filed for divorce after it was dismissed. I was in shock that she filed the temp order - and then I was in shock that filed for divorce. I have tried to get her to slow down the divorce, and to try to work on the marriage in counseling. But right now - she only communicates with me about the kids. Whenever I try to talk to her about anything else - apologizing to her, getting her to reconsider the divorce - she does not respond. Not even to tell me ‘no I don’t want to go to counseling’. Just no response at all.

 

I reacted in the way most husbands react when confronted with an unwanted divorce. I tried to reason with her, begged her, pleaded with her. This only drove her farther away. Right now she will not talk to me about anything other than exchanging the kids at this point (we are splitting their care right now while we work out this divorce). Meanwhile the legal proceedings of the divorce are moving forward. I’m basically really scared and depressed about everything. I have a lot of guilt and regret that this is my fault, it is because of my actions that my kids will have to grow up in a broken home. I will have to find some way to deal with that guilt and regret.

 

I’ve been trying to make positive changes - I’ve been sober ever since, and I’ve been attending 12 step meetings daily - right now I have almost 90 days sobriety. I’ve been seeing my therapist regularly also. Right now my wife is very cold to me, she is like a stranger, I don’t understand how she can give up on a long term marriage with kids without even bothering to try counseling to fix our problems. I feel like everything is fixable if she just gives me a chance, but of course she won’t even talk to me right now about anything other than the kids.

 

About three years ago I went from a ‘once in a blue moon’ smoker to a ‘daily’ smoker.

 

my daily use was alarming to her.

 

after not smoking for 2 years

And then a week later she caught me trying to smoke during the day again.

 

I’ve been sober ever since, and I’ve been attending 12 step meetings daily - right now I have almost 90 days sobriety.

 

I don’t understand how she can give up on a long term marriage with kids without even bothering to try counseling to fix our problems -- This is not HER problem, it's yours. You should have been in counseling when the issue first arose. This is not a couple's issue. You need to own this by yourself.

I feel like everything is fixable if she just gives me a chance, -- She's been giving you chances and you trashed them over and over again. There is no way to know if this time will "stick". Her #1 priority is her children and they do not deserve to live in a home that isn't healthy or with a father who isn't behaving responsibly.

 

my kids will have to grow up in a broken home. -- They will not be growing up in a broken home, they will be FROM a broken home which is better than being in a home that is filled with distrust, lying, tension and uncertainty.

 

This is for the best. You should keep up with 12 steps and counseling for YOURSELF. Not for everyone else. You cannot be a good partner until you have beaten this problem and addressed it head on. You have many years of distrustful behavior to recover from and so it will be as many if not more before you can trust yourself even..

[rjthefirst]

Redhead-

 

Tough love talk, I understand it and I deserve it. Believe me my self talk is 100% worse every day.

 

I know you are right but there is a part of me that struggles with accepting it still. I think things like

 

-would I deserve this treatment if I drank 3 beers every night? I would not even have gotten any ultimatums from my wife.

 

-addiction is a sickness. My wife is highly intelligent and knows this. Would she divorce me if I got cancer?

 

-when we took vows it was in sickness and health. I would never have divorced her if she was the one smoking every day, I would support her and try to get her help.

 

I know this is pointless to even argue as its out of my control. I am just tormented by this, I keep thinking it shouldn't have come down to divorce, and I honestly meant no harm and love my family dearly.

[joyful]

your pain is understandable. your wife is probably pushing this because you had two years sober and then relapsed. i suspect that she has lost respect and trust and feels like it is done.

 

all may not be lost. but you really have to get further along in your healing. when you feel stronger and start to show that you are capable of holding your own as a sober person, she may start to shift a bit. the first step will be accountability. why did you risk everything?

[rjthefirst]

your pain is understandable. your wife is probably pushing this because you had two years sober and then relapsed. i suspect that she has lost respect and trust and feels like it is done.

 

all may not be lost. but you really have to get further along in your healing. when you feel stronger and start to show that you are capable of holding your own as a sober person, she may start to shift a bit. the first step will be accountability. why did you risk everything?

 

Right now I'm no contact, all of my talk of 'I'm working so hard on my problems, please can we work this out?' is not getting a response and not working. Add the fact that the divorce is already underway on top of all the pain and regret and guilt I am feeling. I guess I 'risked everything' because I was clueless, and I did not realize how much she was hurting. I'm really in pain, I keep replaying my mistakes every day, it makes accepting and moving on from this in a positive manner very difficult. I apologize also, I'm like a broken record with all of this.

[joyful]

i hear you. are you in individual therapy to start to deal with what is happening? are you able to enjoy your time with your children given how much pain you are in? do you have support from family and friends?

 

also, would your wife consider couples therapy, or even one or two sessions to start?

[rjthefirst]

i hear you. are you in individual therapy to start to deal with what is happening? are you able to enjoy your time with your children given how much pain you are in? do you have support from family and friends?

 

also, would your wife consider couples therapy, or even one or two sessions to start?

 

 

Yes I'm in individual therapy two times a week to deal with general emotional issues and addiction issues (my therapist is an addiction specialist), 12 step group meetings every day, and I'm also seeing a 'divorce coach' as I thought it would be helpful to see a divorce and divorce-logistics specialist at this time.

 

Yeah I have the kids 50% of the time right now - when they are around I generally feel so much better - mainly because they make me feel loved, and they're such a handful I don't have much time to spend worrying about their mom.

 

Well - there was a point beginning of June, where she said she was ready to go to marriage counseling and asked me to set up an appointment (I did). But a few days later she filed for divorce and marriage counseling was off the table from that point on. I have asked her numerous times to go to counseling - asked her 'I've been doing so much work on myself and reflection. I'm so sorry. How can we give up on the marriage without trying everything we could to work it out?' - but she does not respond to these communications. She basically cut off all requests for counseling once the divorce was filed. At some point her mind just changed, I don't know why.

[standtall]

I mean, if you say so. If anyone's in the picture it would have been after I left the house, that I'm pretty sure of though as we were very intimate right to the end and me leaving was a very angry and abrupt situation. I haven't seen any indication and i honestly don't know and don't care to 'investigate' - i honestly don't need anything else at this point to obsess and feel horrible over.

 

Also this is a situation that has been an issue for several years for us.

 

I'm not saying there is another guy for sure, but it could be something else..mental illness, religious cult, new friends that are encouraging her. This is such a drastic move for pot smoking...a soon to be legal drug that is not nearly as damaging as alcohol. Am I the only one that finds this to be extreme over recreational the use of weed?

[rjthefirst]

I'm not saying there is another guy for sure, but it could be something else..mental illness, religious cult, new friends that are encouraging her. This is such a drastic move for pot smoking...a soon to be legal drug that is not nearly as damaging as alcohol. Am I the only one that finds this to be extreme over recreational the use of weed?

 

Oh yeah, new friends - or old friends for sure are influencing her. I have no doubt about this. My wife has a huge network, in which there are a lot of divorced women who aren't particularly huge fans of me - all of whom I have no doubt are 'supporting her' in her decisions. I can think of a few in particular, some divorced, some of whom don't look as favorably on pot use.

 

I have talked to a number of her friends whom I thought would be 'neutral or supportive' of me - and even they have pretty much bought into the 'there is no other way but divorce' mentality. Even her mom - my mother in law - seems to be supporting her decision to divorce. I mean, I'm sure when she told our story to my mother in law - I'm sure the reaction couldn't have been good.

Edited July 27, 2016 by rjthefirst

[mikeylo]

Dude, accept the divorce. You say you are slowing the process. You are again disrespecting her. In a situation like yours, when a wife is done, she is done. Its better for the kids. You are too late in realizing your sh@t.

 

Her getting cancer wouldnt have been a choice but you abusing her and doing drugs etc is a choice.

 

Dont drag the divorce.Be done with it.Your kids will also see that its you who is making it bad.Make yourself a better person and be a good dad.

[BlueIris]

I'm not saying there is another guy for sure, but it could be something else..mental illness, religious cult, new friends that are encouraging her. This is such a drastic move for pot smoking...a soon to be legal drug that is not nearly as damaging as alcohol. Am I the only one that finds this to be extreme over recreational the use of weed?

 

It doesn't matter what the substance or habit is, addiction is devastating to a family and an energy drain from everyone in the family. The occasional or medicinal use of marijuana is very different from daily use and mentally and emotionally checking out from your wife and family. It's like someone's taking xanax or vicodin after surgery versus using it every day. Don't give a bunch of excuses or ways for him to try to shift blame to her. That does not help an addict.

 

OP, keep to your 12-step and therapy. Let the divorce progress quickly and easily. If you change and overcome this problem in a year or two, maybe you could try to reestablish a relationship with her. But let her be free of this. You NEED to do this on your own.

 

It could be that she just gave enough chances, believed enough lies and eventually just said to herself, I'm not going to live my life like this any more or have my kids grow up in it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, and at a certain point, a wise person stops. So try to see that and understand it.

 

You've said virtually nothing about the turmoil and challenges that your wife and kids face now. You're still very focused on what you want and your pain and what you think she should do for you. When you talked about your kids you said it's great to be with them because they give you love- not because of how much you love them.

 

Dedicated recovery will get you there, outside of your self and able to care more about others. A couple people that I've loved dearly are addicts who went through recovery and they said that addicts are self-centered unless they really dedicate themselves to recovery for years.

 

Trust is something that is very hard to regain once its lost. Very hard.

 

Keep working your steps and doing your therapy. You can do this.

Edited July 27, 2016 by BlueIris

[Mr. Lucky]

You've said virtually nothing about the turmoil and challenges that your wife and kids face now. You're still very focused on what you want and your pain and what you think she should do for you. When you talked about your kids you said it's great to be with them because they give you love- not because of how much you love them.

 

By its nature, recovery is a selfish process. And it's one the OP has to complete before he can move on to the next stage of his life, whatever that will be. He'll have to make amends down the road for the focus on self required now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

It doesn't matter what the substance or habit is, addiction is devastating to a family and an energy drain from everyone in the family. The occasional or medicinal use of marijuana is very different from daily use and mentally and emotionally checking out from your wife and family. It's like someone's taking xanax or vicodin after surgery versus using it every day. Don't give a bunch of excuses or ways for him to try to shift blame to her. That does not help an addict.

 

.

 

Narcotics and other schedule I drugs are a world of difference from weed. It's like comparing apples to oranges. If it's in the way, then it's a problem, but I have never, ever heard of anyone getting divorced over weed. I'm not saying it is not possible, just very unlikely. No marriage counseling..no nothing..juts gone.

 

The more likely scenario is different class of people...ie the pot smoking, tattooed loser genre vs. the neo con reefer madness believing type....or another guy...or emotional abandonment (too much xbox, poker nights, partying..etc) or phsycial/emotional abuse....all kinds of more likely scenarios. There is more to this than just pot smoking is all I'm saying.

[pteromom]

-would I deserve this treatment if I drank 3 beers every night? I would not even have gotten any ultimatums from my wife.

 

There are branches to addiction. One is the branch that people on this thread are arguing - the PHYSICAL addiction. It is true that pot isn't highly PHYSICALLY addictive. But there is also the psychological component. Whether or not you call it an "addiction", it is certainly a destructive habit - same as gambling or extreme shopping could be.

 

So when it comes to three beers a day, it would depend on how DESTRUCTIVE the habit would be. You admitted yourself that smoking changed your personality and your trustworthiness. Therefore, your wife had a right to stand up and ask you to change your habit. And instead of changing it, you lied about it. So the ultimatums were "deserved" IMO.

 

-addiction is a sickness. My wife is highly intelligent and knows this. Would she divorce me if I got cancer?

 

Perhaps not. But if you got cancer, and instead of going to a doctor to be healed, you sat on the couch eating Cheetos and lied about having cancer...well, that is another story.

 

In other words, it wasn't the "addiction" - it was your refusal to get help for the addiction.

 

-when we took vows it was in sickness and health. I would never have divorced her if she was the one smoking every day, I would support her and try to get her help.

 

Well yeah...because you don't have a problem with smoking. So instead, let's pick something you DO have a problem with.

 

Say... she had a personality disorder that caused her to have issues with cheating on you.

 

Or...she got a physical disability that made her unable to have sex.

 

Everyone has their dealbreakers, even in a marriage. We aren't expected to sit around and take whatever pain and abuse the other person deals out to us. She told you how much your choice to smoke daily hurt you. She negotiated compromise with you. And YOU are the one who didn't keep your end of the deal. You are the one who chose pot. Sorry. But it isn't healthy for you to try to throw blame onto her in this. You made your choice. You now have to face the sucky consequences of your choice.

 

I know this is pointless to even argue as its out of my control. I am just tormented by this, I keep thinking it shouldn't have come down to divorce, and I honestly meant no harm and love my family dearly.

 

You may have burned the bridges when it comes to your wife, but you can still work your plan and commit to sobriety and be a very excellent father. Who knows what the future will bring with you and your wife... but there are still wonderful days in your future.

[rjthefirst]

By its nature, recovery is a selfish process. And it's one the OP has to complete before he can move on to the next stage of his life, whatever that will be. He'll have to make amends down the road for the focus on self required now...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Plus they seem to be doing fine, although I'm sure my wife is on her own 'journey' right now. Kids are very young and they are just happy they get to go visit dad at his house half the time, it's like an adventure to them. My wife - judging from the facebook photos - seems to be pretty happy or very least is doing much better than I am. So, I can't really speak to how my wife is doing right now since our communication is very limited, but kids are doing fine.

[S2B]

What can you change? What can you do?

 

Get a plan and do that!

[ladydesigner]

Narcotics and other schedule I drugs are a world of difference from weed. It's like comparing apples to oranges. If it's in the way, then it's a problem, but I have never, ever heard of anyone getting divorced over weed. I'm not saying it is not possible, just very unlikely. No marriage counseling..no nothing..juts gone.

 

The more likely scenario is different class of people...ie the pot smoking, tattooed loser genre vs. the neo con reefer madness believing type....or another guy...or emotional abandonment (too much xbox, poker nights, partying..etc) or phsycial/emotional abuse....all kinds of more likely scenarios. There is more to this than just pot smoking is all I'm saying.

 

I think the same but didn't want to say it...

 

I don't think pot is bad at all, guess it depends on how the person uses it. Obviously if it is causing issues then probably should have been stopped. I am a daily pot use smoker for PTSD. I have a great job and it has never affected my life in any way that has been detrimental.

[knitwit]

Rj, first, if you're in the rooms, you've surely heard that resentment is a poison. You are nursing your resentment towards your wife for leaving.

 

You had two of the best years of your life while you were sober, then you threw it away. How long should your wife wait this time to see if you can stick it out? Four years? Ten? Why should she trust you? You didn't stay sober when things were great; what will you do in tough times? She's not dependent on a drug, so why should she live in the sadnesses, loneliness, and uncertainty that addiction brings? You were feeling great getting high on a daily basis; she was left taking care of everything on her own.

 

Pot is a drug that affects personality and temperament, just like drinking. It's just as annoying to be around a barely-coherent high person as a slurring drunk person. The vast majority of problem drinkers are not physically addicted, but it doesn't stop their drinking from wrecking havoc and causing the destruction of families and relationships. Anyone has the right to leave a spouse who spends their non-working hours soused, high, cranky, stupid, etc.

 

You will never get your wife back by telling her that you're doing all the rights and so you're trustworthy and worth another chance. She's heard those words, and she even saw years' of actions...and it was for nothing.

 

You might have a chance of maintaining some sort of relationship if you can find some empathy and respect for her perspective and experience.

 

It's possible of course that your wife has another relationship in the works. It wouldn't be right for her to do that. Yet while you were getting high every night, she had time alone and a lack of engagement from her spouse....that's a situation that increases vulnerability for an affair.

 

I hope that's not the case; you don't need any additional pain. Some women do leave without another person in the wings; I've left my loved one who sadly got addicted. I think women who can afford it are much more likely to leave.

 

Congrats on your 90 days! It's still early days, but if you stick with it, things will improve. Talk out your resentment because it will cause you big problems and it will prevent you from getting better. Your own well-being and sobriety is all you can control, so put your focus there. Sobriety brings many miracles. Best of luck!

[knitwit]

I think the same but didn't want to say it...

 

I don't think pot is bad at all, guess it depends on how the person uses it. Obviously if it is causing issues then probably should have been stopped. I am a daily pot use smoker for PTSD. I have a great job and it has never affected my life in any way that has been detrimental.

 

Pot is like alcohol in that some people use it without having issues, while others do have issues. Many functional alcoholics have great jobs but emotionally-deficient marriages. I was one of them.

 

The OP says that he knows he treated his wife badly, and they both agreed that daily pot smoking was not the lifestyle they wanted, and he says that his time sober was the best time of their relationship...all of which suggest that his smoking was the cause of some problems.