Husband struggling with unwanted divorce

[knitwit]

I'm not saying there is another guy for sure, but it could be something else..mental illness, religious cult, new friends that are encouraging her. This is such a drastic move for pot smoking...a soon to be legal drug that is not nearly as damaging as alcohol. Am I the only one that finds this to be extreme over recreational the use of weed?

 

He is not describing recreational use. He's describing daily use in which he becomes secretive and irritable (I suspect a little paranoid as sometimes happens to certain smokers) and basically not available. IMO it's like a daily "social" drinker who slurs and gets sloppy on a nightly basis (vs the true social drinker who has a glass of wine and rarely any more). It might not be a physical addiction, but it's destructive behavior. It's impossible to maintain a relationship unless both partners are using.

[standtall]

He is not describing recreational use. He's describing daily use in which he becomes secretive and irritable (I suspect a little paranoid as sometimes happens to certain smokers) and basically not available. IMO it's like a daily "social" drinker who slurs and gets sloppy on a nightly basis (vs the true social drinker who has a glass of wine and rarely any more). It might not be a physical addiction, but it's destructive behavior. It's impossible to maintain a relationship unless both partners are using.

 

What you describe is still a very minor reason to get divorced without counseling. They have little kids together and a very good lifestyle...most women will take years of bad behavior from worse men before they leave....something is missing in this story.

[mikeylo]

The missing part of story is that he is minimizing everything he did. Just a high voice, just a little pot, just a little this and that. His wife and kids have lived through the abuse and he still is expecting her to take his responsibilities. Really ?

Dude, if you really are regret , all you can do now is to make the divorce amicable. She aren't taking you back. With all this behind you, the more you drag, more problems for you. You are adding to your issues. You need years of therapy. In your next relationship , be good.

[rjthefirst]

The missing part of story is that he is minimizing everything he did. Just a high voice, just a little pot, just a little this and that. His wife and kids have lived through the abuse and he still is expecting her to take his responsibilities. Really ?

Dude, if you really are regret , all you can do now is to make the divorce amicable. She aren't taking you back. With all this behind you, the more you drag, more problems for you. You are adding to your issues. You need years of therapy. In your next relationship , be good.

 

I'm not minimizing anything. Nobody was 'abused'. You don't know me.

[mikeylo]

Yeah, no one here knows anyone BUT, read the abuse forum and addiction forum. Very similar stories. If there was no abuse,fine, we believe you but it's not going to change anything about your divorce situation.

 

Continue your therapy. Make yourself a good man for future relationships. Get divorce done without slowing ( it's not going to favor you in anyway). Take it from an older man who has seen a lot. Be good to yourself and your ex wife and kids if you want to reach peace. It's up to you to take advice or not. Who am I anywho!

[knitwit]

What you describe is still a very minor reason to get divorced without counseling. They have little kids together and a very good lifestyle...most women will take years of bad behavior from worse men before they leave....something is missing in this story.

 

It's not a very minor reason, substance abuse is widely recognized as one of the few acceptable reasons to divorce.

 

You keep saying that pot isn't anything like alcohol, apples to oranges, but it's not true. The OP wasn't a pot-head in the beginning of their relationship. He smoked "once in a blue moon" at the beginning of their relationship. His smoking picked up over time, and over time, it affected his behavior in more negative ways. The wife objected, they struggled, he got sober, relapsed, more struggle. This is the basic narrative of how addiction plays out. The wife has dealt with this for quite some time already. The OP is talking about events unfolding over years.

 

Any good marriage counselor would refer the couple to a substance abuse therapist or group until the substance use was resolved. I've gone to hundreds of 12-step meetings for addicts and their loved ones, and no one has or ever would suggest marital counseling as a way to resolve the big problems in the marriage, which are mostly caused by the addiction.

 

I agree with you that most women fight it out for a long time, but there are those who who leave- usually the ones who can afford it, and who have support from friends/family. It sounds like his wife fits into this category.

 

You also mentioned that pot conflicts are usually associated with class/lifestyle; I agree and it seems like that's at play here as well. Some people are very comfortable with pot, drinking, etc, and some aren't. People who don't approve of the lifestyle are less likely to tolerate it, especially on a daily basis. If he had always been a daily pot smoker it would be one thing, but that's not the case and the OP specifically stated that his wife did not want to have a pothead/daily smoking lifestyle.

 

I could never stay with someone who was high daily, especially if he turned into a miserable, secretive, and idiotic person while high. The respect would disappear. I would not waste my life with someone like that and I would not have my kids growing up thinking it was an appropriate lifestyle. Chronic, daily pot use, especially with negative personality changes, would be a deal breaker for me. I have lived this twice- once with pot and once with alcohol- and I know that I would leave. But that's obviously my own values, its not the same for everyone. His wife might feel the same way I do.

 

All this said- she certainly could be using the return to pot as a convenient cover to leave for someone else. She sounds really angry and she's totally shut him out. She could just be furious at his return to pot, or she could have abandoned him and be in the throes of a new relationship, or both, who knows.

 

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. There is no easy, painless way forward. I hope you have some support in real life as well as online. Hopefully you've found a good 12-step group where you're comfortable- they can be a great source of support.

Edited July 28, 2016 by knitwit

[Mr. Lucky]

They have little kids together and a very good lifestyle...most women will take years of bad behavior from worse men before they leave....something is missing in this story.

 

Don't think so. The important thing is that the OP was checked out of his marriage, pot was just the facilitator.

 

Kudos to him to have arrived at the introspective point where he accepts his role in what happened. His next step involves accepting his wife's subsequent choices...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Redhead14]

Redhead-

 

Tough love talk, I understand it and I deserve it. Believe me my self talk is 100% worse every day.

 

I know you are right but there is a part of me that struggles with accepting it still. I think things like

 

-would I deserve this treatment if I drank 3 beers every night? I would not even have gotten any ultimatums from my wife.

 

-addiction is a sickness. My wife is highly intelligent and knows this. Would she divorce me if I got cancer?

 

-when we took vows it was in sickness and health. I would never have divorced her if she was the one smoking every day, I would support her and try to get her help.

 

I know this is pointless to even argue as its out of my control. I am just tormented by this, I keep thinking it shouldn't have come down to divorce, and I honestly meant no harm and love my family dearly.

 

Of course, you didn't mean harm. That's not the point. I doubt anyone thinks that.

 

I would support her and try to get her help. -- She did that for you for quite some time.

 

Would she divorce me if I got cancer? -- First of all, cancer is not something a person has control over. Pot smoking is and it is unlikely that you have a physical addiction to pot, what you have is an emotional addiction to pot and it is still about self-medicating and avoidance.

 

And, if a spouse had cancer and refused to do what the doctors asked to help manage and possibly extend their life and still were being reckless with their health, I might divorce them.

 

when we took vows it was in sickness and health -- This does not apply when the spouse who is ill isn't doing whatever is necessary for themselves as well.

 

The important thing now, is that you focus on you and your children. These are your priorities now and to not keep beating yourself up. That is now a waste of time. Spend that time being proactive by seeking support, demonstrating to your children and loved ones that you are now focusing and doing whatever is necessary to get yourself on track. That is something that will resonate with your children later by setting an example for them in managing problems themselves when they are faced with difficult situations.

 

Turn all this into a positive for you and your children right now. You can't change the past, but you can do something to protect your future and be the father they need in their future.

[standtall]

Don't think so. The important thing is that the OP was checked out of his marriage, pot was just the facilitator.

 

Kudos to him to have arrived at the introspective point where he accepts his role in what happened. His next step involves accepting his wife's subsequent choices...

 

Mr. Lucky

Yea okay..what forum have you been reading? I think so and I stand by my posts. There is something majorly missing here.

 

 

It's not a very minor reason, substance abuse is widely recognized as one of the few acceptable reasons to divorce.

 

You keep saying that pot isn't anything like alcohol, apples to oranges, but it's not true. The OP wasn't a pot-head in the beginning of their relationship. He smoked "once in a blue moon" at the beginning of their relationship. His smoking picked up over time, and over time, it affected his behavior in more negative ways. The wife objected, they struggled, he got sober, relapsed, more struggle. This is the basic narrative of how addiction plays out. The wife has dealt with this for quite some time already. The OP is talking about events unfolding over years.

 

I love when people use the words "sober" when it comes when it comes to weed. It sounds like something straight out of reefer madness...sure there are extremes with any human behavior..people get addicted to water, but this doesn't sound like that at all. This drug is on the cusp of being legalized nationwide and not just for medicinal use. You better learn to accept it. Personally, I'm not herb friendly because it aint my thing, but I think it should be legalized posthaste as it isn't nearly as destructive as alcohol.

 

Again, I'm not saying weed isn't an issue..it is, but IMHO it's an excuse covering up something else. You guys are all like "yep it's the weed"....I don't think so. This might be friends with the grass is greener, another guy, emotional abandonment with weed being a factor, beat downs...heck IDK, but there is something else here.

[rjthefirst]

standtall-

 

Of course there is something else here. The lying about the weed is just the straw that broke the camel's back. If I had to guess I'd say the other factors involved were friends with grass is greener syndrome + emotional neglect and emotional 'abuse' with weed as a contributing factor.

 

I don't think anyone here is arguing that there is only one issue that caused the split. Most people in this thread are saying there are many issues at play, as in most divorces it is a set of issues that build up over time. In my case the lying about the weed was the reason my wife asked me to leave the house - she literally said 'when you lied this time something snapped in me, I need some space - can you go stay at your brother's house for a while?' And later she starting bringing up the neglect and all the mean stuff I've said to her over the years (emotional abuse).

 

As for the possibility of another guy being there. Do you want this to be the case? It seems like you are really pushing this Like I said I don't know what her life is like right now - she could be dating half the city right now for all I know. But from what I can tell there isn't. Does it matter? Even if there was another guy there would also be about 50 other issues for the split.

[rjthefirst]

f

 

I love when people use the words "sober" when it comes when it comes to weed. It sounds like something straight out of reefer madness...sure there are extremes with any human behavior..people get addicted to water, but this doesn't sound like that at all. This drug is on the cusp of being legalized nationwide and not just for medicinal use. You better learn to accept it. Personally, I'm not herb friendly because it aint my thing, but I think it should be legalized posthaste as it isn't nearly as destructive as alcohol.

 

Just because something is legal doesn't mean it can't be an addictive substance, alcohol is an illegal substance and there are millions of alcoholics right?

[standtall]

Just because something is legal doesn't mean it can't be an addictive substance, alcohol is an illegal substance and there are millions of alcoholics right?

 

Yea..I said that.

sure there are extremes with any human behavior..people get addicted to water, but this doesn't sound like that at all.

Is there a point?

[standtall]

standtall]

 

 

 

As for the possibility of another guy being there. Do you want this to be the case? It seems like you are really pushing this

 

No, not at all. I mentioned it as one of many possibilities. several times

 

Again, I'm not saying weed isn't an issue..it is, but IMHO it's an excuse covering up something else. You guys are all like "yep it's the weed"....I don't think so. This might be friends with the grass is greener, another guy, emotional abandonment with weed being a factor, beat downs...heck IDK, but there is something else here.

 

Do i need to quote myself more? Here is more since there is some kind of communication problem.

 

What you describe is still a very minor reason to get divorced without counseling. They have little kids together and a very good lifestyle...most women will take years of bad behavior from worse men before they leave....something is missing in this story.

 

another

 

OP, IMHO..there is more to this one than what meets the eye. Women with minor children...particularly with a high standard of living or real young children like in your case it's both.. rarely get up and move out and divorce over pot smoking. Something else is amiss...physical abuse, emotional abuse (this includes emotional abandonment..too much xbox..poker nights)...3rd party involvement? I would do a personal behavior check, then look for another guy. I bet you he's around if you're not abusing her.

 

another for fun

So she is willing to blow up a her upper middle class family with very young children over pot smoking and the fact your hiding it. Bullcrap...there is something else going on. Women in similar situations typically will tolerate years of abuse, alcoholism, drugs, infidelity etc...before they give up on their marriage. There is something or someone else going on.

 

It seems you're only hearing what you want to hear...

Well here is an admission from you...which I have been saying all along.

 

Of course there is something else here. The lying about the weed is just the straw that broke the camel's back. If I had to guess I'd say the other factors involved were friends with grass is greener syndrome + emotional neglect and emotional 'abuse' with weed as a contributing factor.

 

I've been on this forum many years and if you read more cases, yours is truly a rarity. This forum is full of many voices..you're not gonna only get the opinions you like. My opinion is there is something more at play...I have said my piece. I hope she want to reconcile and you guys put this behind you.

Edited July 29, 2016 by standtall

[Mr. Lucky]

Yea okay..what forum have you been reading? I think so and I stand by my posts.

 

I said "The important thing is that the OP was checked out of his marriage, pot was just the facilitator."

 

 

This might be friends with the grass is greener, another guy, emotional abandonment with weed being a factor, beat downs...heck IDK, but there is something else here.

 

Aren't we saying the same thing ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Just because something is legal doesn't mean it can't be an addictive substance, alcohol is an illegal substance and there are millions of alcoholics right?

 

Legal? Sure... There's a difference between a person who has a drink and isn't much affected by the drink. Then there's an alcoholic - which that particular drinker knows their drinking causes harm to themself and to those they love... Yet they don't/can't stop drinking knowing full well it's causing harm.

 

Same with weed. Same with prescription medicine...I've had many sponsees try telling me the oxy is all good because the dr gave it to them - meanwhile, knowing it processes in the body as heroin, they are completely incoherent... As well as buying it off craigslist.

 

If you've made a decision to get sober and stay sober why aren't you DOING that step work like your life and future depend on it? Just get it all done and things will make more sense to you. You can only become a better person by doing them.

 

Legal? So what - that's not the question...

 

Do the step work - don't forget the "harms done" portion of step 4 - I personally love what that area reveals and how it helped me to change my perspective and my way of living.

Edited July 29, 2016 by S2B

[standtall]

I said "The important thing is that the OP was checked out of his marriage, pot was just the facilitator."

 

 

 

 

Aren't we saying the same thing ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It only took 4 pages to get to that. Personally, I don't think all has been divulged yet.

[BlueIris]

What you describe is still a very minor reason to get divorced without counseling. They have little kids together and a very good lifestyle...most women will take years of bad behavior from worse men before they leave....something is missing in this story.

 

That other women (or men) might stay longer with worse treatment is not justification, it’s tragic, especially when there are children because children learn from their parents every minute. I hope that people who are mistreated have more strength and support, not that people lower the bar and accept what they think is unacceptable.

 

I want to say— dismissing a partner’s reasons for divorce is insulting and hurtful. My exH did that too. He said it hadn’t been bad enough, I didn’t have good enough reasons. What he was saying was: “I don’t respect your reasons. What I’ve done isn’t that important.” It’s dismissive, a final rejection, and it precludes working together and solving problems together.

 

What OP described here are very valid reasons to end a marriage in my opinion, especially when you have children to raise: He broke an agreement they made and lied about it, more than once, and even though she still “tried to be understanding - she said - ok, if you can just smoke at night when kids are asleep that will be ok. And I couldn’t even do that.” He emotionally checked out, left her and the family (“I basically like to watch movies on Netflix, or play guitar, (which) does not fit into our lifestyle and the way we want to raise our family”) and he is secretive, irritable, lies when he’s using. Those are just as good and sincere reasons to end a marriage as any others. Being lied to and breaking agreements destroys trust. Being secretive and irritable and fighting erode a partnership.

 

Something good has come from this because OP is quitting and going through therapy and recovery. That is great for him and for their children. One could even argue that she shouldn’t go back because history has shown that he’s not motivated to do this when they’re together.

 

But anyway, OP, keep at your therapy and recovery and very good luck in overcoming this.

[Mr. Lucky]

It only took 4 pages to get to that. Personally, I don't think all has been divulged yet.

 

Is it always this important to you to be right?

 

Let's say it was pot use only that broke up the OP's marriage. He would -

 

- work on his sobriety

- get his own life back on track

- Address those parts of the remaining relationship with his wife that he can

 

Now let's inject the OM you've been hinting about for "4 pages". He would:

 

- work on his sobriety

- get his own life back on track

- Address those parts of the remaining relationship with his wife that he can

 

Happy?

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

Is it always this important to you to be right?

 

Let's say it was pot use only that broke up the OP's marriage. He would -

 

- work on his sobriety

- get his own life back on track

- Address those parts of the remaining relationship with his wife that he can

 

Now let's inject the OM you've been hinting about for "4 pages". He would:

 

- work on his sobriety

- get his own life back on track

- Address those parts of the remaining relationship with his wife that he can

 

Happy?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No again. It aint got nothing to do with being right or happiness....this isn't about me or you. Heck, I never even addressed you until you addressed me first to tell me my opinion was wrong and said "don't think so". This is all about opinions, and we all have valid ones.

 

What part of the 4 quotes of the several other reasons do you not understand, or do you want to harp on the OM option? It seems that is the only thing that your hearing too...here I'll make it clear for the usual reasons why women with minor children get divorced.

 

-physical/emotional abuse by him...this includes emotional abandonment..to much xbox, golf leagues, poker nights...whatever

-drug/alcohol addiction by either

-mental illness by either

-3rd party involvement by either

 

The issue is whether or not his pot smoking as he described is what I would consider drug addiction.....I didn't.....quite apparently emotional abandonment had a role to play as well. You've read this forum long enough to know that seldom does the whole story come out on page one.

 

How can a man work on "get his own life back on track" if he doesn't know what there is to work on? Now let's stick to the script.

Edited July 29, 2016 by standtall

[Mr. Lucky]

The issue is whether or not his pot smoking as he described is what I would consider drug addiction.....I didn't.....

 

Your consideration less important than the OP's, who clearly feels Step 1 applies:

 

"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable"

 

I'll leave you to tell him he's wrong...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

No again. It aint got nothing to do with being right or happiness....this isn't about me or you. Heck, I never even addressed you until you addressed me first to tell me my opinion was wrong and said "don't think so". This is all about opinions, and we all have valid ones.

 

What part of the 4 quotes of the several other reasons do you not understand, or do you want to harp on the OM option? It seems that is the only thing that your hearing too...here I'll make it clear for the usual reasons why women with minor children get divorced.

 

-physical/emotional abuse by him...this includes emotional abandonment..to much xbox, golf leagues, poker nights...whatever

-drug/alcohol addiction by either

-mental illness by either

-3rd party involvement by either

 

The issue is whether or not his pot smoking as he described is what I would consider drug addiction.....I didn't.....quite apparently emotional abandonment had a role to play as well. You've read this forum long enough to know that seldom does the whole story come out on page one.

 

How can a man work on "get his own life back on track" if he doesn't know what there is to work on? Now let's stick to the script.

 

He knows what his issue is. He's admitted it too.

 

And he knew it way back when - that's why he quit for two years. He knew it would/could ruin their marriage and that's why he became sneaky about it.

 

But his wife knows he chose the weed over her wishes - and that's a problem for her.

 

If he ends up married or not - that remains to be known. If he divorces he can smoke all he wants without anyone complaining...

 

The real question is... Do YOU really want to quit for yourself? If you do want to quit are you willing to do all those steps?

[rjthefirst]

He knows what his issue is. He's admitted it too.

 

And he knew it way back when - that's why he quit for two years. He knew it would/could ruin their marriage and that's why he became sneaky about it.

 

But his wife knows he chose the weed over her wishes - and that's a problem for her.

 

If he ends up married or not - that remains to be known. If he divorces he can smoke all he wants without anyone complaining...

 

The real question is... Do YOU really want to quit for yourself? If you do want to quit are you willing to do all those steps?

 

 

Yeah - regardless of what happens with my wife, I have to stop the weed and finally face up to this problem. With some clarity, I realize it has actually been affecting me in negative ways my entire life - in terms of my college education, my relationships with friends and parents, my self image. Also - I was in denial. I used to think it was 'a harmless thing I did to deal with stress' - it's far from harmless. If it can destroy a marriage and family like this, then it is a very destructive inflluence that I never want in my life again, for the sake of my future and my kids future.

[TennisGal]

Blue Iris said: "I want to say— dismissing a partner’s reasons for divorce is insulting and hurtful. My exH did that too."

 

Yep. My husband doesn't get it. The years of putting off needful things for weeks, months, years. The $50k spent on keeping things in storage units. The dismissing of my concerns (I'm the only one he knows who is concerned about having first floor windows and doors locked at night -- nobody is going to climb up on the deck and come in the house!). Pressuring me to cheat on our taxes by not reporting the rent our nephew pays us to live in my husband's condo (it's easier to pay the taxes than fight with me about it, he says). He just effing doesn't get it.