Sick and need to stay quiet

[anika99]

I agree with Oldshirt about keeping the status quo and not confronting him about the affair. I know you are deeply hurt and probably dying to freak out at him but you and your children are so vulnerable right now and you have to put your kids wellbeing ahead of your feelings. Ocassionally when a man is confronted with his cheating he just takes it as his opportunity to leave.

 

Don't let on that you know and start getting your ducks in a row. Get a job, save money, figure out where you can live and picture how good it will feel to walk away from him with your head held high and and ready to be independent. That's much better than him walking out on you leaving you a broken mess and not knowing how you're going to survive.

[merrmeade]

Rachel,

I am very sorry you are going through everything at once. You have discovered your BF is cheating and faced the reality of how vulnerable and dependent you and your children are all at the same time. Besides dealing with his betrayal and deception, you realize you could be without financial support from him or from any other source. T

 

This is a lot to take in at once, and you need some understanding and sympathy as well as practical advice. You've gotten more scolding for getting yourself into this situation than kindness for the sorrow you're experiencing, and I'm sorry for that, too. Your mistakes were trusting the wrong guy and not protecting yourself, yes (and it was said a dozen different ways so I won't repeat). But you deserve some understanding and sympathy for pete's sake, not censure.

 

What I'm worried about is that you're not going to take the practical advice you're being given. I'm worried you're going on the premise many of us did that you just need to show him that you know what he's been doing and he'll stop, say he's sorry and knock himself out to be a better partner and father. I think that was in the back of your mind in hiring the PI. I don't think that'll happen and even if it did, whether or not your partner realizes how completely he's ruined your life, you cannot assume he'll be more generous or noble than the state of NY requires of him to be. I don't think you can assume he'll do the right thing, break up with the other woman and come back to you fully committed. I agree that's the thinking that made you dependent on him in the first place.

 

You don't have good options. Even if he did all that ^^^ (which is unlikely, don't you agree?), the fact is you are still in a vulnerable position that no woman can afford to remain in. I'm sorry that it's harder for you than most because you don't have time to mourn him and what he's done to you, but I think you are getting good advice on the practical side and should follow it.

[Rachelkey]

I wasn't planning on responding anymore because I don't need any more negativity. This comment alone "You got into this predicament by slacking and coasting and settling." was enough for me. That is the most ridiculous thing I've read. I've been busting my butt my whole life and only just recently lost my job. In the last year I did schooling up until June so I have never slacked. I know I didn't give much detail other than the worst stuff which makes it look terrible but I was hoping to hear from other stay at home moms since I assumed I couldn't be the only one in the world that was cheated on.

As for keeping quiet, I don't think I can because he is all over me and I can't take it. I have a lot of support from my mother who is willing to help financially and also let us move in if necessary.

I needed the P.I. (which didn't cost much at all) because he would deny it and say I'm crazy and turn it around on me. I was tired of that. Everyone thinks he is Mr perfect and I needed solid proof. Now I have that, problem solved.

 

I would appreciate no more negative or insulting comments because I'm in enough pain already. I understand it's a public forum and I put my trash out there but I'm just asking to please not post. I would delete the thread if I could.

[NewLeaf512]

Rachel thanks for the update. I don't think you are lazy or coasting. I think you are being a mum and got taken advantage of.

 

The best part of your post was that you have a support system and help from your mum.

 

Only you know what's right for you, if you needed the PI you must have felt that was important. Don't let anyone tell you that you are crazy when you know what you know. I let my H do that to me most of the whole time of our marriage up until his death. Remove all doubt from your mind, he did this not you.

 

Sending good vibes.

[anika99]

Rachel I don't think you are slacking or coasting either but you have to have a bit of a thick skin to post here. Just take what is useful to you and ignore what sounds hurtful or unhelpful.

 

 

So glad to hear that you have family who can help out. I guess I didn't stop to think that your cheating husband is still expecting sex from you too. Eww...totally understand why you feel like you have to take action right now. Let your family help you and good luck to you.

[merrmeade]

I wasn't planning on responding anymore because I don't need any more negativity. This comment alone "You got into this predicament by slacking and coasting and settling." was enough for me. That is the most ridiculous thing I've read. I've been busting my butt my whole life and only just recently lost my job. In the last year I did schooling up until June so I have never slacked. I know I didn't give much detail other than the worst stuff which makes it look terrible but I was hoping to hear from other stay at home moms since I assumed I couldn't be the only one in the world that was cheated on.

As for keeping quiet, I don't think I can because he is all over me and I can't take it. I have a lot of support from my mother who is willing to help financially and also let us move in if necessary.

I needed the P.I. (which didn't cost much at all) because he would deny it and say I'm crazy and turn it around on me. I was tired of that. Everyone thinks he is Mr perfect and I needed solid proof. Now I have that, problem solved.

 

I would appreciate no more negative or insulting comments because I'm in enough pain already. I understand it's a public forum and I put my trash out there but I'm just asking to please not post. I would delete the thread if I could.

hi Rachel – yes, of course you're offended at all the negative things and I'm sorry I didn't come on stronger yesterday. I was certainly shocked and surprised and who was taking the "" stance. I really don't understand that. You didn't deserve it. I'm sorry you came here for help and we made it harder.

[merrmeade]

Sorry, if that was hard to read. I'm dictating. I meant to say that I was surprised that people were blaming the victim. That is just never OK. It's never OK to chastise someone for being naïve. They do it themselvesquite enough without any extra help.

 

I'm also relieved that you have your mothers support especially financially. That's what mothers do. And that's what you will do I'm sure.

 

I'm glad you're such a good mother and are you so concerned keep your happy children happy. It's pretty clear that you do not need to be told to put your children first.

[ShatteredLady]

I haven't posted on your thread because I have no idea what to say other than seek legal advise & OMG!!!

 

Huge hugs!!

 

I'm a disabled, SAHM. I'm English living in the USA & I'm not entitled to any financial aid. (Fortunately I can move home. I don't have a H legally stopping me from taking my kids)

 

I now know that a woman should NEVER leave herself financially dependent on a man. That's the advise/comments you get?!?!?

 

Bad luck to all the servicemen or businessmen who get relocated....you don't get to have a family or wife just in case you cheat in 15 years!!!

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I understand & I'm so very sorry.

[ladydesigner]

(((Rachelkey))) please look into the 180 so that you can start detaching for your mental health. Start focusing on YOU and get that job and then get your ducks in a row. Get thee into a counselor and if you need to get on anti depressants to get through... do it! Remember to eat and drink water and get good sleep if you can or take something to help you sleep.

 

I would talk to a lawyer asap and see if you can move to your mom's house with the kids. Most likely your SO will have to pay child support. I think you can be looking for a job and your kids will not be taken from you especially since you have been their sole caretaker all these years, but consult a lawyer first.

 

Get the lawyer's advice first, get your ducks ready, then unload on your POS SO. Expose the A and let the sh*tshow begin!

[Jersey born raised]

There are reasons Unions where created and reasons why Feminism has occurred. RachelKey your situation is text book. Your husband has stived to hold you hostage for 15 years out of his own lack of self-worth.

 

If pressed odds are the reason for OW is he is selfish and needs an ego boast. I agree do not expose at this point, rather figure a game plan on how to get out of this and keep your children. When you feel the need to expose focus on your game plan and take satisfaction that you are moving on.

 

Finally and most important !!!

 

Adultery defines the WayWard spouse only.

 

The BS defines themselves on how they react and the concrete actions they take !!!

 

Define yourself RachelKey. Think about all the people you deeply respect and ask yourself would they take this step? Read and develop the concept of a person you respect react. Then become that person. When you wake up review your actions then day before, review events that will occur that day and consider how the person you decided to be would react and say. Take a moment in the evening before bed and review the day THEN LET IT GO. Day is done, now sleep.

 

Finally sleep, of necessary get a script. My doctor gave me trazodone a non-narcotic. Eat healthy, drink a lot of water and exercise.

[Rachelkey]

Thought I would update....

 

Next Thursday I am closing on a house. I got a great job and amazing help by my mother to get an amazing house. It is twice the size of the house we have now. My boyfriend still doesn't know and D day has not yet happened. I'm planning after the holidays at this point since I have a lot to do on my new house before moving in so I feel I might as well wait until I'm ready (waited this long).

Not surprisingly, my boyfriend and ow haven't seen each other since August. She broke it off because he was always making excuses not to see her. Mostly because he prefers to hang with his friends....not be bothered with a female. So, all that is left for me to do is therapy for the tremendous guilt I feel changing my kids lives. I know it isn't rational, hence the reason I am moving forward, but it eats me up.

[merrmeade]

Thought I would update....

 

Next Thursday I am closing on a house. I got a great job and amazing help by my mother to get an amazing house. It is twice the size of the house we have now. My boyfriend still doesn't know and D day has not yet happened. I'm planning after the holidays at this point since I have a lot to do on my new house before moving in so I feel I might as well wait until I'm ready (waited this long).

Not surprisingly, my boyfriend and ow haven't seen each other since August. She broke it off because he was always making excuses not to see her. Mostly because he prefers to hang with his friends....not be bothered with a female. So, all that is left for me to do is therapy for the tremendous guilt I feel changing my kids lives. I know it isn't rational, hence the reason I am moving forward, but it eats me up.

Congratulations on the job and house but wait a minute. You're saying that, after moving into the new house, you'll tell him you've known for a while that he had an affair. And then? It isn't clear to me in your last paragraph whether your guilt for changing your kids' lives and plans to do therapy are because he won't be part of your life any more?

[Rachelkey]

Yes, I am waiting until I am ready to move out before saying anything because I don't know how he will react and I would definitely not want to be stuck with him if things are bad...if the new house wasn't ready.

He will still be in the kids lives...but things will obviously be much different. Can elaborate more on that later...too tired at the moment.

 

Also want to mention the cheating is just what ended it for me. I've put up with years of being alone while he goes out. Even at this moment it is 330am and he is still not home so I'm just tired of this life.

Edited October 22, 2016 by Rachelkey

[pheonixrisen]

Hi congratulation for taking the necessary step for you and your kids

 

Keep us updated

Edited October 22, 2016 by pheonixrisen
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[vanhalenfan]

Congratulations on getting your life in order for you and for your kids. That's awesome! I am finding myself in almost the same predicament and just starting to get life in order as well. Long time coming. I am glad to hear another mamma making a way for herself and children Very best of luck to you and God Bless. Keep us posted!

[Cloudcuckoo]

Bravo Rachel!

 

Onward and upward my dear, so glad you're getting stronger with great support and positive encouragement.

 

Wishing you and your children a happier, healthier future in your new home.

 

Cuckoo

[Lion Heart]

I wrote a long post to you and lost it!

 

Ignore those ignorant people who wrote hurtful things.

It was completely unnecessary.

Remember some people here are affair partners who were dumped.

Resentful of betrayed spouses. Etcetera.

 

I'm out of my similar M.

 

Your kids will BE AMAZING.

Don't worry about anything there. You sound like you're a wonderful mother. They don't need a bad role model as a father.

You're doing the right thing.

 

Congratulations!

 

Lion Heart

[Ws2016]

First let me say I had to write all I could fast so I know things are missing. Mostly I was hoping for insight into the situation if anyone had experienced something similar.

As per the first posted response.....have you ever been cheated on? Do you know how it feels to have the one you love lie to your face over and over and then go out the door to be with someone else. It hurts....over and over. I only have one life and do not want to spend another day feeling like this if I can help it.

I was just expressing my emotion as to how awful it is.

As for how I know, I got into his email but I know if I tell him that's how I found out he would go into a rage and hear nothing else. Without knowing him, I know this sounds ridiculous but it was a sensitive topic many years ago. Instead of feeling bad about being caught he would only focus on being the victim of his privacy invaded. I don't have time to bother with him dwelling on things that really don't matter anymore. I only want to focus on doing what's best for the kids. I can't do that if he storms out of the house in anger and doesn't come home until the next day (his usual way of solving problems).

 

Also, they were family law attorneys......guess I will ask a third.

 

Please do not listen to that first response. Not even sure what that was?? And this is coming from a WS. If my husband walked out the door I would not blame him.

 

Second, your children will absolutely not be taken away from you for not having a job.

That is utter bull****. I am a SAHM and I was the one that cheated and I still wouldn't have my kids taken away from me.

 

So, marriages can heal after infidelity however, he needs to come clean and he needs to truly feel resentful. If not, it's bound to happen again.

 

If he has done this before then he is a serial cheater and a narcissist and there will be nothing more you can do.

 

I totally get it about splitting up the family. It's the reason my husband is still in the house and for us, my cheating was a one time thing, I came clean, I'm going to therapy and trying to put the pieces back and it's still hard for him to stay so I get it! We do not want to devestate our children but on the other side of that, you need to show your children that those behaviors are not okay and you need to be strong. I don't mean you tell the kids what happened but someday they will know daddy did something bad and mommy was strong enough and respected herself enough not to take it and that is a really good life lesson for them. If and only if he truly feels remorseful and wants to fix your marriage, it's the only way it could work.

 

In the mean time my suggestion would be to get into therapy immediately!! It will help with your self esteem. It is not that you are unattractive! Trust me! My husband is drop dead gorgeous and successful. It was the issues in our marriage that brought me to make some very poor choices but your situation it sounds like he just like a side of ass. This is about him, not you!

 

Second, I wouldn't say anything yet. I would get to a therapist immediately, see another lawyer and start looking for work.

 

I know, that is easier said then done. I've been home for 12 years. This is no easy task. I get it!! But like I said! You need to be strong. You can let this destroy you and only look at the bad things that might happen or you can think of this as an opportunity to better your life and your children's life. You can't control what he does but you can control how you handle this.

 

I think you should divorce him. But, get all your ducks in a row first.

Join a gym, exercise will save your life, boast your self esteem and help with depression.

Be proactive! Your kids will be okay!

 

Sorry, I didn't read through the whole 3 pages! I saw that first response and needed to respond!

Edited November 3, 2016 by Ws2016

[olivetree]

I had to sign in just to like your posts, Rachel.

 

You are doing amazing. I don't even know you and I'm proud of you!

[stillafool]

.

I have a lot of support from my mother who is willing to help financially and also let us move in if necessary.

I needed the P.I. (which didn't cost much at all) because he would deny it and say I'm crazy and turn it around on me. I was tired of that. Everyone thinks he is Mr perfect and I needed solid proof. Now I have that, problem solved.

 

.

 

Thank God for your mother. Can't you take the kids and move in with her right away? It will make you feel better, eat better and think better to be away from him. Hopefully you will get he job you interviewed for. He cannot take your kids but he will be paying child support for 3.

[EverySunset]

Yes, I am waiting until I am ready to move out before saying anything because I don't know how he will react and I would definitely not want to be stuck with him if things are bad...if the new house wasn't ready.

He will still be in the kids lives...but things will obviously be much different. Can elaborate more on that later...too tired at the moment.

 

Also want to mention the cheating is just what ended it for me. I've put up with years of being alone while he goes out. Even at this moment it is 330am and he is still not home so I'm just tired of this life.

 

Oh well done!

 

I was in the same predicament as you. But a couple times, actually, because I believed him stupidly, when he said it was over the first time. I admire women like you, who get it right, just as soon as they find out.

 

Lean on women as much as you can, when you get out. I tell that to everyone… Because women understand. I know it sounds trite, but so many women have gone through what you have, that when you admit say, to your boss when your ex is causing problems, or to a friend, when you can't really make it out to see them because you're a full-time, single working mom? That's when they'll understand.

 

Well done Rachel, well done :-)

[BaileyB]

Good for you Rachel! You should be really proud of the steps you have taken to find a better life for yourself and your children.

 

Your kids are resilient. Don't stay in a marriage that destroys you because you think it is better for your kids. It would destroy your children to see you suffer in a bad marriage and live in a home with conflict and no love between their parents.

 

They will be so proud to know that their mom was an independent woman who stood strong for herself and her children. Way to go!

Edited November 13, 2016 by BaileyB

[S2B]

Good work Rachel taking action - planning a move and getting another job!

 

So nice to see a woman of strength taking charge of her future.

 

Stay strong - we will be here to support you!

 

File for support money! If he doesn't owe support to you - he will for the kids. Get that ready so the support can kick in as soon as you move.