Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Jersey born raised]

Jeff

 

This friend, is she the one who's husband is OM? If so y might want to apologize at a later date for not saying something sooner. At this point s there a reason should not expose OM? Finally do you sons know the identity of OM? I know your youngest knows about the adultery, does your oldest?

 

Also I was under the impression your sons lived at the family home. Is that still true.

[Jeff1690]

Well here is the update. Wife came home around 930 this morning. We didn't say much. She went outside to wash her jeep. I left to drop off some paper work at work.

 

When I returned she said her lawyer said my lawyer was delaying things. My lawyer has had absolutely 0 contact with the wife's. He has sent 3 emails requesting documentation that the lawyer may have. I showed my wife the emails. She states that I must want something changed. I really don't. I have not told her all I want is to see if she forged my name on the questionnaire and application. She knows I am not telling her something, but she is assuming it is that I want things changed.

 

Anyway, she gave an opening about our relationship and I asked her again why she left me hanging in limbo for over a year with no communication, sex, intimacy. I asked her about the OM and the thousands of minutes in phone conversations.

 

Her only reply was to start packing her Jeep back up and tell me there is nothing to talk about. She says she didn't do anything to hurt me. That we have already had this discussion and there is nothing to talk about. She got in her Jeep and I asked her what I had deserved for her to hurt me like that. She just said I didn't intentionally do anything and that she was going to her mother's house. Then she said this is why I don't come home. All you want to do is ask the same damn questions.

 

I am really at a loss here. Judging by the frustration on her face and a bit of anger it seems like she really believes she has done nothing wrong. As if her talking to another man (still no evidence on PA) for 6000 minutes in four months and 11000 minutes for the year on the phone is nothing. As if her cutting me off from love, intimacy, sex for a year was nothing. Even after telling her what an emotional roller coaster she put me on.

 

I have decided I am done looking for answers for now. I will call her in a couple of days and advise her that I am done with it. That I will never bring it up again and we will only discuss the divorce, finances, and the kids. Which is basically what he have done anyway. Except for when she has brought up the relationship and I have attempted to get answers.

 

I almost feel as if I have handled this all wrong. Part of me could care less that she left. The other part of me wanted her to stay so I could ignore her lol. Yeah I now weird and hard to explain. I think part of it may be the part of my brain used to having her home. Having her presence here even though the presence of the woman I want here no longer exists.

 

Well as I was typing this the wife called. She wanted to know why I kept asking the same questions. I explained to her again what she did to me. What I got mostly was long silence. When I told her she walked away from a great marriage that we had built with out even trying to solve any problems I got a long silence. It sounded like she might have been crying when I asked if she was there and she answered yes, not sure. Then the phone went dead.

 

She called back a few minutes later and said she lost signal. Her voice was completely different like she had regained her composure. She said that she and OM were just good friends. Also said we just grew apart because we never did anything together. I then mentioned how much she sits on the computer doing work while off and how many times she said she was too busy to do anything and I just gave up. I then asked her how come she never asked to do anything, how come she never asked me to come down to the apartment anymore. I got nothing.

 

I told her if she wanted to come home without being bothered after she got done with her mother I would not ask anymore questions. I think that if she did have a PA with OM not just an EA it has been over for awhile. Not sure why I think that just the way she said some things. I of course have not put the entire conversation on here it would take up too much space lol.

 

I can tell though she has totally detached from our marriage. I realized that before but now it has just hit home. She made the comment that at some point she just felt like we didn't need her anymore. I guess this has to do with us never doing anything anymore. Still doesn't give an answer as to why she never tried or reached out.

 

I know I wasn't perfect but I was good to her. Also I guess I should have tried harder to push her to do things. But, after being told she was busy every time there comes a point were you just don't bother.

 

She really didn't have any answers for anything. Just a boat load of I don't knows. Which in itself is frustrating as hell to think she didn't even bother to actually think about our relationship and just watched it whither away until she decided she was done and ready to move on.

 

It is also strange that she would call me after she left. She seemed angry, frustrated and almost as if she was trying to run away. Did she call just to hear me tell her how cruel the last year has been to me. Almost like she wanted to be told how bad she had been. Or did she think she was going to call and tell me everything but decided to stay mute and let me tell her how bad it has been. Almost like she need to be told that so she can tell herself she doesn't deserve to be married anymore. Does that make sense? Not sure if I am putting it into the right context. I am probably thinking to deep on the issue. But I am just trying to get my thoughts together and put them down. Maybe it will help some other betrayed spouse who reads this in the future.

 

Well that is it for now. Maybe I will have some more thoughts later. Any input is appreciated. I notice on this website a lot of folks lurk but do not contribute. If you are lurking, contribute it helps us all.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff

 

I think what you're working through requires a lot of analysis and re- analysis. I presonally think your wife likely got caught up in an PA and also the single life. She doesn't know how or if she wants to find her way back. I am sounding too sympathetic and I am not suggesting that she deserves that sympathy only that is what it sounds like in the descriptions you have shared.

 

I would urge you to share the data usage you found with your oldest, not to bury her but to be open and honest with him.

 

He'll resent you if you don't.

[Marc878]

Anyway, she gave an opening about our relationship and I asked her again why she left me hanging in limbo for over a year with no communication, sex, intimacy. I asked her about the OM and the thousands of minutes in phone conversations.

 

Her only reply was to start packing her Jeep back up and tell me there is nothing to talk about. She says she didn't do anything to hurt me. That we have already had this discussion and there is nothing to talk about. She got in her Jeep and I asked her what I had deserved for her to hurt me like that. She just said I didn't intentionally do anything and that she was going to her mother's house. Then she said this is why I don't come home. All you want to do is ask the same damn questions.

 

I am really at a loss here. Judging by the frustration on her face and a bit of anger it seems like she really believes she has done nothing wrong. As if her talking to another man (still no evidence on PA) for 6000 minutes in four months and 11000 minutes for the year on the phone is nothing. As if her cutting me off from love, intimacy, sex for a year was nothing. Even after telling her what an emotional roller coaster she put me on.

 

I almost feel as if I have handled this all wrong. Part of me could care less that she left. The other part of me wanted her to stay so I could ignore her lol. Yeah I now weird and hard to explain. I think part of it may be the part of my brain used to having her home. Having her presence here even though the presence of the woman I want here no longer exists.

 

Well as I was typing this the wife called. She wanted to know why I kept asking the same questions. I explained to her again what she did to me. What I got mostly was long silence. When I told her she walked away from a great marriage that we had built with out even trying to solve any problems I got a long silence. It sounded like she might have been crying when I asked if she was there and she answered yes, not sure. Then the phone went dead.

 

She called back a few minutes later and said she lost signal. Her voice was completely different like she had regained her composure. She said that she and OM were just good friends.

 

I told her if she wanted to come home without being bothered after she got done with her mother I would not ask anymore questions. I think that if she did have a PA with OM not just an EA it has been over for awhile.

 

She really didn't have any answers for anything. Just a boat load of I don't knows. Which in itself is frustrating as hell to think she didn't even bother to actually think about our relationship and just watched it whither away until she decided she was done and ready to move on.

 

It is also strange that she would call me after she left. She seemed angry, frustrated and almost as if she was trying to run away. Did she call just to hear me tell her how cruel the last year has been to me. Almost like she wanted to be told how bad she had been. Or did she think she was going to call and tell me everything but decided to stay mute and let me tell her how bad it has been. Almost like she need to be told that so she can tell herself she doesn't deserve to be married anymore. Does that make sense? Not sure if I am putting it into the right context. I am probably thinking to deep on the issue. But I am just trying to get my thoughts together and put them down. Maybe it will help some other betrayed spouse who reads this in the future.

 

You like many you are in denial of what's happened. Why? Because you don't want to believe the unbelievable.

 

Everything is cheaterspeak. Very typical in these situations. Lie, hide and deny. It's their mantra.

 

We're just friends? It's the biggest lie told always. No friends have that much communication or take trips together alone do they? She's not stupid she's knows what she's done. Everything else is to help justify her actions. I suspect she called back to verify you'd swallowed the story.

 

At this time you probably won't get the truth because you don't mean enough to her anymore. It was a party between her and OM. You weren't invited.

 

It sounds like you are in rugsweeping mode and just want it to go away. Sorry man but the truth would go a long way to helping you move on. You were/are her husband you deserved better than this. Let her off the hook if you want but long term I don't think that will help you.

 

Read "No a More Mr Nice Guy" free download. It's helped many in this situation maybe it will you too.

 

Good luck

Edited August 21, 2016 by Marc878

[BluesPower]

I realize how hard this is for you, especially when you guys are face to face.

 

It may be a good idea to wait to finally expose her to everyone, I don't know.

 

But don't doubt yourself, she has been having a PA with this guy for a long time. There is no other way for it to have gone.

 

Her screwing this guy and really who knows who else, it a forgone conclusion.

 

Don't let her whining and tears on the phone fool you. She may be starting to realize what she has done, maybe. But for the most part, she is in denial and in her mind admitting that she is a cheating unfaithful wife is some type of issue. She knows that you know and she still decides to lie to you about it.

 

Just hand tough with everything.

[Marc878]

IMO tell your other son. He deserves to know. Never hide the truth from your kids. They are part of this and didn't deserve it anymore than you did.

[Marc878]

If I were you I'd read up and understand the 180. If you could follow it it'll go a long way to help you move on but at this time I don't think you can let go of it that easily.

 

You seem be stuck in the past of who she was and just can't believe what's happening. This is normal you have 20 some years that reinforce the past but her actions have told you who/what she has become. Believe her actions. Her words at this time mean nothing.

 

She is frustrated that she can't manipulate and lie like she has been and keep you in the dark. That's why she leaves. She's not used to being called to task.

 

Why would you now back off and play nice??? Give her an out?

 

Always deal from strength. IMO "you had an affair with OM and ended the marriage". Let her prove otherwise. The facts and red flags are there.

 

Liars never like being pinned down. Hence, her actions.

[Marc878]

Telling her "I won't bring it up again" is saying I accept what you've done and lm OK with it. Is that who you are?

 

You'd be better off to not speak on anything except business and keep that short.

[kgcolonel]

Telling her "I won't bring it up again" is saying I accept what you've done and lm OK with it. Is that who you are?

 

You'd be better off to not speak on anything except business and keep that short.

 

Jeff

 

 

Marc is right. The only thing I'd tell her is that we're defined by our actions not our words. She how she responds to that.

[Marc878]

You have a chance for some closure it sounds like to me which most never get.

 

Backing off at this time will get you nothing. It all depends on you. What do you want?

 

IMO I'd say when she asked what do you keep asking I'd say "I'm not a fool I know what's happened if you had any decency you at least give me the truth".

 

You're afraid of pushing her away or making her mad it seems. She's already gone and had no issue treating you like crap did she?

[Jeff1690]

Well I am not rug sweeping. I don't really think I am letting her off the hook either. I am just tired of trying to get the answers. I told her I wasn't going to ask any more questions because I just about feel done with it. It obviously isn't going to change the outcome. This marriage is over.

 

Yes I believe I am close to closure, but the wife is the type of person once pushed to far she totally shuts down communication. I believe at some point there may be the opportunity for closure.

 

Do I believe a PA affair occurred? Yes I do. As far as a the beach trip is concerned I still don't know who she went with. I am sure it was OM, but that is my gut telling me. Which one should just about always go with your gut instincts.

 

I have told the other son. He just shook his head and walked away. Not sure what is going to happen when they both hit her with it. I just gave him the facts about the phone records because that is all I really have. All the spending can easily be explained away by her, the phone records can not.

[Marc878]

Very few ever get the actual proof of a PA. Anyone seeing what you've found knows it is. It's hard to accept. Plus the hiding of who he was as BF's brother when he wasn't.

[TobyBoy]

Who do you suspect is the OM?

BFF brother?

BFF ex-husband?

 

If ex is the OM, how long has he been divorced?

[Jeff1690]

Toby initially believed to be best friends brother. Turned out it was the best friends ex-husband. They have been divorced a number of years. I am still tempted to turn the phone records over to bf and bomb her relationship. Hell she spent the night there last night and is going to again tonight.

 

Can't do that yet because I have not got my buy out. I am sure if I did the entire scope of this divorce would turn hostile quickly. Got to play long term.

[kgcolonel]

Who do you suspect is the OM?

BFF brother?

BFF ex-husband?

 

If ex is the OM, how long has he been divorced?

 

TobyBoy, the BFF brother is one in the same as the BFF ExH....Jeffs STBX lied and told him that the number she'd been calling / texting so much was her BFF brother when in actualality it was her ExH......

 

Try to to stay up.....just kidding, no one can stay up with his ex....what a tangled web.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, I remember an ex fiancé that I had during college. I was so in love with her that I had actually lost myself in the R. I (then) had several times become suspicious of her but never really called her on the situations...looking back (35 years later, it's as clear as day....she was definitely cheating....what a B!!!

 

I don't personally see you rugsweeping we collectively just don't want to see you being taken and being sucked back into a false understanding.

 

Personally, I have always been one that likes to have one held accountable and the type of betrayal your wife has engaged in, is for me, one of the worst....you are handling it great! You know your wife better than anyone on this board and if anyone can get closure and some truth, you know how to do it. Thank about her triggers, use those to obtain what you need. I really wish you the best to this end.

 

Additionally, hope you're enjoying some good weather to get on the hog.....that is truly mind and soul cleansing!

[Marc878]

Do I believe a PA affair occurred? Yes I do. As far as a the beach trip is concerned I still don't know who she went with. I am sure it was OM, but that is my gut telling me. Which one should just about always go with your gut instincts.

 

I have told the other son. He just shook his head and walked away. Not sure what is going to happen when they both hit her with it. I just gave him the facts about the phone records because that is all I really have. All the spending can easily be explained away by her, the phone records can not.

 

Your son knew the truth as soon as you showed him what you found like everyone else.

 

She'll likely be PO'd. You'll probably get the typical Cheaterspeak. We're just friends. You invaded my privacy to cheat. This was none of your business and you had no reason to tell the kids, etc. You are the problem and this is what ended the marriage. Blah, blah, blah.......

 

Why? Because she is now caught up in her lies, etc. she has to justify her actions. They all react the same.

 

The thing is no one can be prepared to deal with this. You never in your wildest dreams ever though you'd be put in this position like everyone else. The ones that get through this the best get strong and stay there. You don't have to accept the lies and deceit just to get along. No one deserves this.

 

There is nothing that says you have to keep answering the phone when she calls. You'd be better off just to tell her texts and emails to discuss business or divorce issues. This will send the best message. Easier said than done but there is nothing you can say or to that can fix her. Only she can do that.

 

Even if she came back could you live with her history?

[TobyBoy]

Toby initially believed to be best friends brother. Turned out it was the best friends ex-husband. They have been divorced a number of years. I am still tempted to turn the phone records over to bf and bomb her relationship. Hell she spent the night there last night and is going to again tonight.

 

Can't do that yet because I have not got my buy out. I am sure if I did the entire scope of this divorce would turn hostile quickly. Got to play long term.

 

Ok thanks!

 

Now!! How can you use that information to your advantage???

 

First, this buy out....is it really a good deal or more 50/50 split?

 

You got your STBX by the balls!!! No way is she going to disclose any info on her affair or the OM......ever!!

[Marc878]

I think everyone here from reading all the posts want you to come out of this in the best shape you can. At least as prepared as possible. This isn't over yet so hang in there.

 

Remember the one true thing. None of us are perfect but you were a good husband and father. Nothing you did caused this. It's all on her.

 

Dont accept anyhing less. I always hate seeing the BS blamed for cheating and lied to. It always happens in these instances though.

[Jersey born raised]

An effective exposure will anger her because it destroys her ability to re-write the marriage history. After all the things a WS a done why re-writing is a mystery to me but I get they want to be the good person who's spouse drove them to it. The longer a WS is allowed to hide the adultery the more harm they will do to the BS.

 

When you expose strive to keep your anger out of it. I have never referred to my exWS [in pejorative terms]. Instead I will relate the effects her choice not to communicate with me her issues, communicate her sense of detachment, her choice to engage in adultery did to me, and in your case your sons. I also point out the revelation of a deep character flaw in her. Your wife is in a command position in the military. If she is does not have the character to deal with a problem in her marriage when will she betray those who serve under her?

 

Be well Jeff, be soft spoken but be as firm as granite on this subject.

Edited August 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarify language

[Jeff1690]

Great points. Maybe I made a mistake saying I was done asking questions. I guess in the frame of mind I was in I was just saying I am fed up with this **** the house is gonna be yours and I am out of here. Naturally that isn't how it came out.

 

I have been following the 180 as close as possible. Biggest problem I am having is trying to get my my brain wrapped around the fact that the woman I have been with for half my life is gone. Checked out without even letting me know.

 

I have been pondering how to steer myself in the direction of "she is out of my life". Creating new habits about who to talk to when I am down, see something interesting or whatever. Counting dating and 23 years of marriage that is a quarter of a damn century of habits. Just baffles the **** out of me how she could just flip the switch and do what she has done. I guess none of us really can understand that since we don't think like that..

 

Marc just to let you know I have read No more mister nice guy. Not all of it applies to me. However a lot of it does. I can see where I made a lot of mistakes putting everything first for her and putting my own feelings and desires aside. Of course I always thought that is what you are supposed to do for someone you love. At one time she did the same for me. But the book taught me a lot. Just wish I had read it a long time ago.

Edited August 22, 2016 by Jeff1690

[BluesPower]

Jeff as you may know, I recently found out that my wife was a drug addict for 25 years. All of our marriage for the most part, and I am not stupid by any means but I just could not figure it out until it just clicked one day.

 

I can understand how you feel about the time involved and you love that you had for your wife, like me you love deep, hard and long. You gave everything to her that you could.

 

At some point, not saying it is easy, but you have to. It makes it more difficult that she will not confess to the physical affair that she is having, that one is really bad, I have to admit.

 

Just because she won't confess, it really does not matter. Would it have been any easier if you had caught them in the act. Part of you has to get mad and take care of yourself.

 

She may never admit what she has done, but rest assured that she does or will feel the shame and guilt for what she has done.

 

It is just a matter of time. And, none of that is going to make you feel any better.

 

You just need to hang in there and take care of you. Good luck.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Creating new habits about who to talk to when I am down, see something interesting or whatever. Counting dating and 23 years of marriage that is a quarter of a damn century of habits. Just baffles the **** out of me how she could just flip the switch and do what she has done.

 

 

Those of us in long term marriages really had to face the "death" of our marriage partner, best friend, companion, etc. Doing things without her just seemed so strange.

 

My mom was married 50 years, and when my dad died, she recovered in about 3 years. She can go out to a Diner, Burger King, etc., and eat alone. Haha, I still go through the drive-through, or I need to go with some friends/family to eat inside.

 

The "flip the switch" actions drove me crazy too!! One time she called me about putting a muffler on her car. I said "You want to talk about mufflers, and I want to talk about our marriage." She wound up taking the car to the local garage and having it fixed because she was not happy about me confronting her.

 

I probably bought over 200 books from Amazon relating to marriage, and I must say that the only one that really helped me was the one I mentioned before. Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. The author interviewed hundreds of separated/divorced couples, and those mini-stories helped me understand and accept that there are MANY that can flip the switch. And if I was going to heal, I needed to Accept that this is the way she is.

 

Jeff1690, your story will be different than my story, BUT there will be so many similarities that I'd say my wife and your wife know each other!!

 

Oh, and I'm glad you can ride your motorcycle!! I could not ride mine for the first year. Just felt so strange without her, but now I can hop on any time and go for a nice ride. Back then, I told myself that I lost 2 summers --- and I am not going to lose any more!!

 

Hope you have a great week as you work through this!!

[Marc878]

Jeff

 

The problem you have is your heart has not caught up to your mind yet. The heart will always betray you in these situations. Because it still sees her for who she was for 20 some years not who she is now.

 

You being a good husband and putting her first didn't cause this. She for whatever reasons become selfish and was only thinking of herself not you and her family. I doubt any of you were even given a second thought.

 

The problem is now the facts are out that a blind man could read and it's real uncomfortable for her. That's why she clams up and just leaves or doesn't come around. There is no excuse or explanation to justify this.

 

IMO, I'd just say I'm not a fool and don't need to hear your lies. She's needs the truth of what you know. The facts are all there in black and white.

 

However, for you right now stop answering the phone. All you'll get are lies and denial. Her attempt to cover.

 

I'll be honest in your mindset you want to believe her because it's easier than calling her on it. This is very normal but being in denial won't help you much.

 

You'll get it and will be fine. Hang in there. Don't accept her BS. You'll regret it later if you do.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, you're handling this as well as can be expected....something my father taught me a long time ago....look for ways to "treat " yourself. Whether its going for a ride, taking time to read a book something just for you and value and prioritize it.

 

Have you had any feedback or insights from your oldest son that just learned of his mothers betrayal?