Stuck in Limbo

[The_Onceler]

First off, each situation is different. What worked for me - or anyone else - may not work for you.

 

Your take it or leave it approach - no visit or I won't take the kids - seems counterproductive and you'd benefit by disconnecting your actions from her responses. There's three entities here - you, her and the co-parenting relationship. Even if it feels like you're working alone, you should consider supporting all three. Think long term ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks for you input.

 

Yeah, maybe my take it or leave it response was wrong. I honestly don't know. I figure, if I say yes to her, the possible upside is that the kids see her for a dinner date, and no harm done. The possible downside, after the kids see their mother, I take them home and deal with two hysterically upset children.

 

Given that they have shown that they can spend 3 or 4 days with me without needing a visit from their mom (i.e. they don't complain about missing her or anything, not in a while), I am not sure why it makes sense to risk the downside?

 

I guess a potential upside to going with her plan is that the co-parenting relationship benefits.

 

Also, she will benefit. And I would benefit as well, by having more time with my kids.

 

I guess it just seems unnecessary and potentially distressing for the kids to plan to have them meet her like that. Maybe I should have just refrained from the offer in the first place. Ugh. I hate navigating all of this crap...

Edited December 14, 2016 by The_Onceler

[anna121]

Personally, I think you have valid reasons for not acceding to her mid-week dinner request. You want to head off a potential outburst from your kiddos. She, I would guess, doesn't want to go without seeing the kids that long. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but it's about her, not them. I mean, it's 4 days. I think they'll live being only around their Dad.

 

Perhaps you weren't repeating what you said verbatim, but I'd steer clear of any language describing your feelings, ie., "I'm uncomfortable". Stick with "that works for me" "that doesn't/won't work for me".

[anna121]

One more thing. Co-parenting is a fine model but it doesn't work for every set of parents, especially when the break-up has been acrimonious. Maybe look into parallel parenting, which operates from a situation of much greater autonomy exercised by each parent, and less expectation of/need for cooperation and continued contact.

[Mr. Lucky]

I take them home and deal with two hysterically upset children.

 

This seems to be the main issue. Most kids adapt fairly quickly, what is being done to help your kids adjust?

 

Mr. Lucky

[The_Onceler]

This seems to be the main issue. Most kids adapt fairly quickly, what is being done to help your kids adjust?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Our younger daughter is participating in a group called "banana splits" - a group therapy environment with other children of divorce.

 

We will be bringing them both to private counseling starting in the new year.

 

Generally they seem to be doing OK. That said, they have had bad reactions to this sort of situation about 50% of the time, so far. I just didn't want to risk that, considering the situation. I didn't think going 4 days away from mom was such a big deal, considering that they routinely go 3 days away from either of us, depending on the week.

 

Their mother reports frequent issues with the younger girl. I have found her to be more challenging in general, but I don't seem to have the same amount of severity of issue that their mother seems to report having. When they are with me, they seem mostly OK.

[The_Onceler]

One more thing. Co-parenting is a fine model but it doesn't work for every set of parents, especially when the break-up has been acrimonious. Maybe look into parallel parenting, which operates from a situation of much greater autonomy exercised by each parent, and less expectation of/need for cooperation and continued contact.

 

I'd say I am aiming for parallel parenting, and perhaps my ex is as well. In my estimation, it is only her controlling nature that serves to have us so involved. She will attempt to tell me what to put in their lunches, how to do their hair, how to wash their hair and with what hair products, etc, etc.

 

So, I attempt to parallel parent, but she continues to meddle. Just today, I was sending my 8 year old out the door, and she was worried that I had put her hair in a hair band and not in a pony tail. She said, "But mom said that you HAD to put my hair in a pony tail!"

 

I asked my daughter, "what do YOU want to do with your hair?"

 

She wanted a hair band, so that was what we did. I had to reassure her that I would be picking her up after school, and not her mother, though.

[The_Onceler]

Here was part of her response to me on the matter:

 

I would like to leave the mid-week dinner possibility on the table though. I don't think it is fair to the kids (or to me) to prohibit them having time or access to their mother to avoid managing 10 minutes of them being sad when the time ends. I believe they do need to at least be provided with an opportunity to get used to situations like that, if in fact they have a hard time when they leave me. I'm sure if you asked them they would jump at the chance to have the dinner night in a heartbeat. Not to mention that it is ok for them to have emotions and be sad. It is healthy for them to be in touch with those emotions and learn coping strategies in how to deal with them to get past it. If it seems like they are missing me the two options are to cooperate in giving them time with me, or to prohibit that time. I'm not sure why you want to proactively prohibit the time as a general rule.

 

 

 

Does this seem rational? I mean, I was clear in my reasoning - I want to avoid unnecessarily upsetting the kids with a "teaser" visit. This has gone badly in the past.

 

Is it fair to characterize my position as prohibiting them from seeing their mother? I find this sort of argument from her as disingenuous at best. We split up in September - the kids don't NEED to be forced into difficult situations. They will have been with their mother all day Monday, and then see her again on Friday - leaving out a Wednesday dinner date is hardly preventing them from seeing their mother. And when this sort of thing as gone badly in the past, it was not a simple matter of 10 minutes to resolve. I spent much of the remainder of the evening dealing with the fallout.

 

Why is it that I can put the kids on the bus tomorrow, knowing that I won't see them again until Monday evening, yet I have no need or desire to insist on some visit in the midst of that stretch of time? I would LOVE to have the kids with me all the time, but I don't anticipate that they will have trouble going from tomorrow to Monday without seeing me, and I don't intend to risk a negative outcome for them by insisting that they see me.

 

And in fact, the only reason that I am going to go from Thu to Mon without seeing the kids is as a result of modifying our custody schedule as a favor to their mother.

 

So, if I had said, "Sure, I can modify my schedule so that you can attend your work events, but I need you to arrange for a mid-week visit, since I will be required to go almost 5 full days without seeing the kids" - that would have been more-or-less equivalent, no?

 

I imagine that she would have not agreed to that.

[anna121]

This illustrates the problem with explaining your reasons to her - it gives her a chance to argue. Next time, just agree, or not. You don't have to justify yourself.

 

As for this latest volley, I'd simply refuse to engage with her any further. You've made your position clear. It's insane to be arguing about two hours out of four days. Yes, I do realize that could be said to you as well but the fact is that you are doing HER a favour and you are under no obligation to adjust your schedule. Your parental instincts are just as valid as hers. You don't need to agree on everything.

 

I dunno. My gut says that if you give in on this it will not stand you in good stead in the future. OTOH, if you do decide to cave, don't get into a discussion about it. Just say ok. And then, next time, don't get into any discussion of why you are, or are not, willing to agree to certain things. Obviously, there will be times when the reasons will require disclosure, but I'd wager that is NOT the case approximately 97% of the time.

 

Sorry you have to deal with this un-ending crap.

[The_Onceler]

Things have been looking up.

 

I had attempted to avoid the discussion/argument regarding her "counter offer" to my offer of taking the girls for the week, but she wouldn't have it. I unfortunately had to engage her, but the good news is that she eventually relented. So, I will have the girls with me most all of next week, with no strings attached.

 

Since then, I have managed to simply ignore her when she goes off the rails, and that has seemed to work. She has repeatedly returned to her gripe over the Christmas decorations (yes, I am serious) - sending my angry texts and emails in the evenings or even while I am at work. I realized that I was responding to her, at least in part, out of fear. I feared that, if she was allowed to indulge her notions unchecked, her anger might spiral out of control, and then she might choose to retaliate in some other way.

 

So, I resisted my own urge to engage her lunacy, and I resisted my fear of antagonizing her, and I just ignored her. And you know what? It worked! I didn't get all spun up over nonsense, and she eventually stopped contacting me on the matter.

 

I find that it is also hard to resist the temptation to engage her as a friend. We exchange texts and emails in order to share info about the kids, and often times her messages will turn light hearted, as if we are back in our relationship as it used to be. I have literally found myself writing back to her in the same familiar ways... I have managed to catch myself, and delete all of the "friendly banter" and keep things just strictly business.

 

Her latest unsolicited message was about tomorrow: I am scheduled to pick the kids up after school and then have them with me until Christmas morning. She sent me a text, suggesting that I might be too busy at work to pick the kids up, and offering to get them for me if it was going to be a problem for me.

 

Perhaps she was being sincere, or perhaps not. Either way, I won't have any trouble with picking them up tomorrow, so I just told her thanks, but I had it under control.

 

Maybe she was just looking for a means to have more time with the kids...

[beautifulinside2]

It appears that she didn't want to be a SAHM, she wanted to work and contribute to the home and your family's lifestyle. You basically demanded that she stayed home while you worked to support the family because you didn't want your children to go to before and after school care and didn't want them to be separated from their parents for an extended period of time, and now this? Do you think the seperation was worth it? Do you think she would have been a better more committed partner had you allowed her to work? Perhaps she wouldn't of had the free time to search the net for an affair if she had a job to dedicate her time to. Just some thoughts...

[Mr. Lucky]

She has repeatedly returned to her gripe over the Christmas decorations (yes, I am serious) - sending my angry texts and emails in the evenings or even while I am at work.

 

Are these the decorations at your house? Why would she care? And why would she think you'd care if she cared?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

You are doing great...

 

With somebody that is this off the reservation, it is better to ignore. You have to let them fin for themselves.

 

The more she has to do this the more she will start to leave you alone.

 

Keep up the good work...

[The_Onceler]

It appears that she didn't want to be a SAHM, she wanted to work and contribute to the home and your family's lifestyle. You basically demanded that she stayed home while you worked to support the family because you didn't want your children to go to before and after school care and didn't want them to be separated from their parents for an extended period of time, and now this? Do you think the seperation was worth it? Do you think she would have been a better more committed partner had you allowed her to work? Perhaps she wouldn't of had the free time to search the net for an affair if she had a job to dedicate her time to. Just some thoughts...

 

I think you have hit the nail on the head: she didn't want to be a SAHM. Well, more precisely, she didn't want to be a SAHM mom any longer.

 

First off, I never demanded anything of her with regards to being a SAHM. To recap: we got pregnant after what amounts to a one night stand. I was living on the west coast, she on the east. We had a long history of dating, but had been broken up for almost a year, with no contact. She reached out to me so that we could meet up "to get closure" - instead we wound up in the sack.

 

Anyway... after the shock wore off, we resolved to have a go at making a proper family. I had just started a great new job, but the market had been on a downward trend. She had also started a great new job, but her job required her to work nights and weekends (hospitality). She *could* have kept working, since our work schedules were basically complimentary, but she wanted to stay at home. I liked the idea that at least ONE of us would be at home with our infant child, so that was our plan. As it turned out, she found a job listing on the east coast that looked good for me. I interviewed, they made me a great offer, and I moved cross country to try to make a family.

 

She continued to be a SAHM for the next 5 years or so. We had a second daughter along the way. When our younger daughter was 2-1/2, my ex said that she wanted to go back to work part time. I said that I felt it was too early - maybe she could wait until our younger daughter was in pre-k or kindergarten, a year later? She didn't want to wait, and three months after she had mentioned going back to work, she was back to work.

 

She worked part time that year. Then she saw an opportunity to move to full time work. We discussed it. I suggested that she could wait one more year, until both of our daughters were in full day school. We disagreed. She took the job, and was back to work full time (working in the school system, so she was still home mostly when the kids were home).

 

I think it is safe to say that I never prevented her from working. In both cases, she decided when she wanted to go back to work, she decided on the specific job she was interested in, and in both cases, that is exactly how it worked out.

 

Now, fast forward another 2 years... she was still working full time, the kids were in school, and I was working full time. I got a great new job offer, but it would mean a lot or new responsibilities and demands for me, and it would mean that we would have to move. We decided to go for it, and we found a great new town with really good schools. She found a house that she loved, but I was FREAKED OUT about the mortgage. She and I went back and forth, discussing our financial picture. In those discussions, it was clear: she would leave her current job, she would remain jobless for the first 6 months while we all adjusted to our new lives, and then she would return to work part time and/or full time in the school system.

 

Fast forward another six months, and we were living in the new house, the kids were settling in, and my ex was working part time for a local realtor. My new job was much more demanding than the old one, and it had been challenging to get used to my new role, but things were starting to come together for all of us.

 

My ex then started talking about re-engaging in her old career. I balked at the idea. I had *just* taken on this new job, with its new and increased demands. I had *just* taken on this new mortgage (the mortgage was solely in my name, though her name was on the deed with rights of survivorship). We had *just* moved to our new town. We had made all of these changes, and in doing so, we had agreed that she would continue to work either part time or in the schools.

 

I told her, if she wanted to pursue a career, that was fine. But I didn't have any interest in staying in my new job under those conditions. I only ever agreed to the new job given that I knew that, at the least, one of us was going to have the flexibility to be there for the kids. I mean, what if I was traveling overseas, and she had to work nights and weekends - would we just leave our kids to be raised by a nanny?

 

I am not judging that choice, but it was never what I wanted.

 

But, I was happy for us to switch roles. I could step back, take on consulting hours, and she could be the primary breadwinner. It would mean selling our big new house, and it would mean tightening our budget for a while, but we could make it work.

 

She was VERY clear then that she did not like that idea. She stated quite plainly - she wanted to re-start her career, but she had no intention of being the primary breadwinner. She was VERY clear that she wanted to continue to enjoy our good financial picture, and that required that I continue to work full time at my new job. She required that, AND she also wanted to have a career of her own.

 

So, you could say that I had prevented her from going back to work full time. Using the same logic and standards, you could say that she prevented me from reducing my work hours and going to a part time, flexible, consulting career.

 

I could have stayed at my old job, and under those circumstances, we would have been able to tolerate having both of us work full time. My old job was more flexible and less demanding, although less lucrative. I was happy there, and we had enough money to live comfortably in our nice house. The new job literally fell into my lap, and I think it is safe to say that she was more interested in it than I was - I was worried about the added stress and demands, but she really liked the new pay and benefits. Given what I do, it was like stepping up from the minor league to the majors.

 

But, as it turns out, she had already reconnected with her old boyfriend before she had come to me with her notion of hiring a nanny so that she could go back to work full time. I cannot say whether they had crossed the line into "an affair" by then.

 

Do I think the separation was "worth it"? I don't even know how to evaluate that.

 

Given that she was having an affair with an old flame, and given what she confided in me - about how much she always loved him, about how she didn't love me, about how she felt her other man was her only true chance at happiness - given all of that, I can't imagine how I could have stayed with her. Even given all troubles that she and I had in our relationship, I was still broken hearted.

 

And now? Well, now I am more involved in the lives of my girls when they are with me, even though they are with their mother half of the time. I worry about how all of this impacts the kids, but I am growing to believe that they might actually be better off. And now, as it turns out, I *do* have the freedom to alter my career. I am exploring options that will be less demanding of my time, and leave me with more flexibility. I will have to sell my house, and take a pay cut (and of course reduce my child support payments to her), but I now realize that I am free to do what I think it best for my kids and best for me.

 

And having a little less money but a more present dad... that might be best for all of us.

[The_Onceler]

Are these the decorations at your house? Why would she care? And why would she think you'd care if she cared?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

All excellent questions.

 

And, yes, the decorations are (were) at my house.

 

She had also sent me a message telling me that I needed to itemize the gifts that I was giving to my kids. She wanted to know that we were both spending more or less the same amount (she didn't want to get into an arms race over gifts). She also wanted to know how I had labeled the gifts - she wanted to be sure that the kids didn't discover that Santa was giving them MORE gifts after the "divorce". She wanted to know the number of gifts that I was gifting "from Santa" as opposed to the number that were "from Dad".

 

So, she sent me a number of emails and texts, attempting to engage me on these sorts of Christmas details - mixed in with the rants and raves over the rolls of Christmas wrapping that she wanted. I essentially ignored them all.

Edited December 23, 2016 by The_Onceler

[Mr. Lucky]

She had also sent me a message telling me that I needed to itemize the gifts that I was giving to my kids. She wanted to know that we were both spending more or less the same amount (she didn't want to get into an arms race over gifts). She also wanted to know how I had labeled the gifts - she wanted to be sure that the kids didn't discover that Santa was giving them MORE gifts after the "divorce". She wanted to know the number of gifts that I was gifting "from Santa" as opposed to the number that were "from Dad".

 

So, she sent me a number of emails and texts, attempting to engage me on these sorts of Christmas details - mixed in with the rants and raves over the rolls of Christmas wrapping that she wanted. I essentially ignored them all.

 

Just think of the fortunate man on whom she gets to shower all this attention to detail and desire to micro-manage. You'll miss out ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The_Onceler]

I am one of four children. My father passed away years ago, but my siblings and I all live relatively close to our mother, and we all get along pretty well, so it is common for us to see each other often. We were all gathered at my mother's house on Christmas day.

 

My older brother has never had any significant other in his life, to the best of any of our knowledge. We assume he is homesexual, but if so, he is still tightly closeted and has never made mention of a boyfriend.

 

My older sister has declared that she is not capable of having a relationship, and is happily living as a perpetual single woman.

 

Clearly, I have at least attempted relationships, but with not-so-spectacular results (aside from my daughters - they are amazing results!).

 

My younger brother is on his second marriage. He and his family were with us yesterday: his wife, her two children (ages 18 and 10), and his two children (ages 20 and 16).

 

Anyway, his wife proceeded to get sh*t face drunk by drinking a large bottle of wine. As she got progressively more drunk, she became increasingly belligerent toward my brother, and also started flirting with me (ostensibly "reassuring" me after my recent split).

 

At one point, she was face down on the table, asking for crackers or bread to eat in order to combat her inebriation. Her 18 year old daughter sprang to action, giving her mom these things, only to have her mother begin throwing the crackers and rolls around the kitchen. My brother had no real reaction.

 

After a bit of this, she roused herself and wobbled to the bathroom. She was in there for some time, with her daughter sitting at the bathroom door, monitoring her.

 

My brother turned to us and said, "It's like I am married to two women: the sober one, and the drunk one, and the drunk one HATES me".

 

I was horrified.

 

 

 

 

Perhaps the four of us are just not wired properly for relationships, or for choosing healthy relationships. I feel lonely since my ex has left (no, I am not expecting to reconcile!), but I wonder - am I better off perpetually alone?

[BluesPower]

I don't think you are better off alone.

 

You may really need to get some therapy as to why you are such a dish rag, and maybe that will help you understand how to find and be in a healthy relationship.

 

Otherwise you seem like a fairly standard, fairly sane person. When you learn to understand where you went wrong in your thinking and heal from you wife's betrayal it might be a whole new world.

 

The thing is that women like your ex can smell a weak man a mile away. They understand that they can have his comfort, love and money, and he will deal with the fact that she wants to sleep around.

 

That is what makes women like her predators. And everyone on LS complains about the male predators. I think that there are more female predators like your wife than there are male predators.

 

When you get healthy and understand more about women and relationships I think you will be able to find a great woman.

[Marc878]

All excellent questions.

 

And, yes, the decorations are (were) at my house.

 

She had also sent me a message telling me that I needed to itemize the gifts that I was giving to my kids. She wanted to know that we were both spending more or less the same amount (she didn't want to get into an arms race over gifts). She also wanted to know how I had labeled the gifts - she wanted to be sure that the kids didn't discover that Santa was giving them MORE gifts after the "divorce". She wanted to know the number of gifts that I was gifting "from Santa" as opposed to the number that were "from Dad".

 

So, she sent me a number of emails and texts, attempting to engage me on these sorts of Christmas details - mixed in with the rants and raves over the rolls of Christmas wrapping that she wanted. I essentially ignored them all.

 

She just wants to try and keep some control. Zero response is best.

[The_Onceler]

She just wants to try and keep some control. Zero response is best.

 

At one point not too long ago, I made a stab at zero response to these sorts of things. I found that she would sit on her end of the silent line, getting more and more angry, and escalating her verbal attacks. Then I would finally relent and engage her.

 

After some reflection, I realized that I was engaging her because I was afraid of what she might do if she became angry enough. Then I thought about that some more - just what was I afraid of? I realized that I was mainly afraid of what she might do in terms of custody and child support. I was afraid that she might lawyer up and attempt to gain full custody, and increased child support.

 

I figure that she is not likely to lawyer up in the first place, given the costs involved. And I can't see that she could make an argument for full custody, even if she were in a place where she could manage that. As it is, she can barely manage 50/50 custody without leaning on me to watch the kids for her.

 

She could squeeze more money out of me, but in the end, its only money. I'd just downsize my house, and really, that would be all I would need to do.

 

So, when I take the time to think rationally, I have no reason to fear her, so I have no reason to indulge her by engaging when she reaches out to control my life. The challenge now will be to not lose sight of that when she sends me these inane messages and gets me all tweaked up.

 

Its funny (ironic?): I went through this before. She and I had broken up for what I assumed was the final time, back before our children were born. She had moved back to the east coast after our final breakup, but somehow, we had wound up in phone contact again (I don't recall exactly how that came to be). What I *do* remember is at some point realizing that she and I were calling each other, and when we spoke on the phone, we were mostly fighting. At one point, I had an epiphany: I can end this strife and turmoil by simply not calling her any more. We were in the midst of yet another argument over the phone (what were we even arguing about???), and I said as much to her: "Why are we doing this? We aren't together anymore - all we have between us now is our history and these ongoing fights!" I told her goodbye, and I did not speak to her again for 10 months - that was when she called me about meeting up to "get closure".

 

Sigh... I'd say that I wish I knew then what I know now, except that the children that she and I have are a true blessing in my life.

[Jersey born raised]

MOM, what are the chances he actually moves to your area? Be on guard if she tries to move to him and wants to take your children.

 

Gong though your ordeal is never easy no matter how strong. You are doing great. Keep you options buttoned down and your flanks protected.

[The_Onceler]

MOM, what are the chances he actually moves to your area? Be on guard if she tries to move to him and wants to take your children.

 

Gong though your ordeal is never easy no matter how strong. You are doing great. Keep you options buttoned down and your flanks protected.

 

Thanks for the warning, and the encouragement!

 

 

Yeah, I have wondered about that. According to what the ex had told me, he is actually just recently separated/divorced himself. He is sharing custody with his ex. His children live across a state line from us. That is to say, my ex, my kids, and I live in one state. He, his ex, and his kids live in a neighboring state. From what she told me about the meetup that they staged, he lives about 45 minutes from here. The mid-point where they met is a town in our state.

 

The way she talked about her feelings for him, it seems inevitable that they will want to be together. That said, it also seems that neither of them can arbitrarily move across state lines with their kids without some legal action.

 

I can imagine many scenarios where either or both of them attempt to move across the state line, or move VERY near to the state line so as to cut the distance between them. Or perhaps move to that mid-point town. I have no intention of simply relocating to suit her needs, but the specter of perhaps HAVING to relocate is one of the things that has kept me from putting my house back on the market already. I *just* bought this house a year ago, and I am loathe to sell so soon, but I certainly don't want to sell, only to then have to sell AGAIN.

 

She signed a 12 month lease in September, so I figure that she has at least that small anchor holding her to our current town. But only time will tell, so I am trying to be aware of what might be coming.

[BluesPower]

The thing is this...

 

That is why you need to spend the money to make the custody stuff legal.

 

I will cost a few bucks, but if you make it legal until they are 18, she cannot do squat. Good for you, and a nice bit of revenge for you as well.

 

Her and lover boy won't be able to live together for what 8 years?

 

Dude, it would be worth every possible penny just to see her face when she realizes what the "Legal Custody" means after the judge approves it and it is final.

 

LMFAO about the thought of how pissed off she will be.

 

Think about it...

[Jersey born raised]

I understand a lot of states have laws on how far a parent can relocate without losing some custody.

 

It seems most states stress stability when considering contested custody. You need to discuss with a lawyer looking to create a 2 year plan to firmly root your children in your neighborhood. While she is in la a land keep laying down the groundwork for majority custody.

 

Hey, anything she can do, you can do better!!!

[Jersey born raised]

Bye the way you appear to be a thoughtful and considerate man. Why do you think you are not relationship material. Your WW is the one I would question if she is fit or capable of a relationship.

 

If I missed it please refresh my memory. Do your children know why your WW has destroyed their family? If not they need to be told. "your mother has decieded to be with another man rather then then try to fix her marriage. While divorce at times may be necessary, it is never acceptable to date others while married and still together.

 

Bottom line: what do you want? Did you ever read 7 habits of successful people? You need to identify and list your priorities, what needs to be done to achieve them, and the rest falls into line. Is being a good father number one? Then start there and flesh out the rest.

 

Sometimes life can be that simple.

[The_Onceler]

Bye the way you appear to be a thoughtful and considerate man. Why do you think you are not relationship material. Your WW is the one I would question if she is fit or capable of a relationship.

 

Thanks for taking the time to comment, and for your kind words.

 

I guess I was figuring that my own track record is quite bad, it would seem. And my siblings either (1) do not have relationships, (2) have even worse ones than I did, or (3) have openly admitted that they cannot maintain relationships, so have given up entirely.

 

I don't WANT to be alone, but I don't want to keep repeating the past either.

 

 

 

 

If I missed it please refresh my memory. Do your children know why your WW has destroyed their family? If not they need to be told. "your mother has decieded to be with another man rather then then try to fix her marriage. While divorce at times may be necessary, it is never acceptable to date others while married and still together.

 

No, the kids don't know any of the details. My daughters are 6 and 8 years old. I am not sure that they would understand the nuance. And I am not sure that it does them any good to simply attempt to blame their mother. I mean, I can blame their mother for the affair, but then she could also lay a fair amount of blame at my feet. Our relationship was troubled, and I played a part in that. I don't mean to justify her affair. I am simply saying that the blame game is a slippery slope. My daughters still want and hope for us to reconcile (I tell them at every turn that it is not going to happen, but...). When their mom turns up with a new boyfriend in the next few months, she can try to rationalize it with them at that point.

 

 

Bottom line: what do you want? Did you ever read 7 habits of successful people? You need to identify and list your priorities, what needs to be done to achieve them, and the rest falls into line. Is being a good father number one? Then start there and flesh out the rest.

 

Sometimes life can be that simple.

 

What do I want? Ever since the kids were born, all I really wanted was to be a good father to them. I guess my definition of that term is shifting somewhat, but generally, that is what I want.

 

At the moment, though, it is hard to keep myself firmly planted on the ground. My head is still spinning from the split, although perhaps I am starting to get my footing now.