What is wrong with dating someone who lives in the basement of his parent's house?

July 19, 2016

It depends on age as well.

Where I live, average age to move out is 25, so after that there's a slight stigma, increasing with each year.

July 19, 2016

***sigh***

This topic hits home with me cuz my current guy is like on his own "sorta" and, recently he was talking about stuff and I said some stuff and I think he's not offended, but uncomfortable with what I proposed.

And, yes, I'm trying to see how I get my point across to him...but, I somehow feel that even "if" he gets my point, he has his pride, is hard working, has good intentions, and isn't a moocher - but may feel like he's mooching if he goes along with what I proposed. Shoot, hello, that's reasons why I like him so. He's working hard towards his goals and I respect him for it.

So, I wouldn't date a guy who mooches off of his parents and/or is in perpetual "childhood". I understand that when starting off yes, it's a blessing to have parents to be there for you (cuz all mine did was take, take, take...thank God for our grandparents), but if you don't have a plan to cut the umbilical cord, then yeah, it's a turn off.

Shoot, even independent guys who are in perpetual childhood are a turn off. The Belgian guy I dated was very close to his mum and I liked her, she was cool. We prayed, drank whiskey, went shopping...but, I feel that's why he'd never marry - at 40s - cuz while a gf could do certain things for him (sex, romance), his mum met the emotional and nurturing needs for him. And yes, he lived by himself, could cook, and had a maid and mum lived hours away, but he'd call her every day and visit her on the regular.

July 19, 2016

Yup. I can definitely see this as unacceptable. Thanks. Let me ask you...what if your ex helped with your bills?

That's something he should have offered imo after spending almost all of our time at my place. But... I mean, if he spends most of our time in my place and helps with some bills (while paying minimal bills with his sisters) it'd essentially be the equivalent of him securing discount residences in two places, right? LOL Just not a good look to me all round.. But at least it would've been better than my situation!

July 19, 2016

Region and culture plays a part in this. It can even be different in different parts of a country.

Generation matters as well. I see a lot of millenials who have to be pried out of their parents house. I have friends who have three kids ages 19-29. All three kids attended a local college and two of them spent more time at home than on campus, so they stopped paying for room and board.

My friends are selling their house in a few days and they had to explain to the 29 year old that he/she was not moving with them. As of this morning, he/she still has no place to live and has not packed a box of their things.

It's a matter of "what do you bring to the table" in a relationship. What are your best, marketable traits? I bounced back home after my divorce for five months. I knew that my financial situation was unappealing. I knew it when I bought, lived in and flipped two trailers (mobile home/manufactured home) that they were a stepping stone, but most men looked at me as "not a good gamble".

Now, I'm getting ready to buy a 3400 sq. foot house. I'm putting 50% down. It's only eight years old. I ran into one of those men from 10-15 years ago and he was a mortgage broker. He is....wait for it....now living at home. And he's almost 50. He's working two jobs, barely making above minimum wage. You bet I rubbed it in and declined a lunch date.

So, is the adult child living at home because they want to, they have to or because of the economy?

I'm probably okay to date someone who lives at home. But I don't know if I'd take them seriously or get super involved. I've had it with men "letting" me play host.

July 19, 2016

A couple of things:

He is my best friend. We have known each other for over 20 years and we have always been tight. The funny thing is that for most of these years we have not lived in the same state. Different lives...but we made a point to keep in touch and visit each other every year. That is why I am involved and he is asking me, at times, for advice.

The other thing is that he works. He is, by no means, a couch potato and very ambitious. He is going through a transition and regretting some past mistakes. I keep telling him that dwelling on these mistakes, which can be readily put in the past, is a mistake. I have a number of local friends and I can tell you that this guy is the most responsible and he's making his way back home and I want to help.

July 19, 2016

A couple of things:

He is my best friend. We have known each other for over 20 years and we have always been tight. The funny thing is that for most of these years we have not lived in the same state. Different lives...but we made a point to keep in touch and visit each other every year. That is why I am involved and he is asking me, at times, for advice.

The other thing is that he works. He is, by no means, a couch potato and very ambitious. He is going through a transition and regretting some past mistakes. I keep telling him that dwelling on these mistakes, which can be readily put in the past, is a mistake. I have a number of local friends and I can tell you that this guy is the most responsible and he's making his way back home and I want to help.

Help him how?

BTW, are you a male or female? Are you dating him? What mistakes did he make that require him to go back home to live with parents?

July 19, 2016

Okay, ladies. This is especially for you. I have never done this and don't see myself doing this, but I do have a couple of male friends who have moved back into their parent's homes. One of them is very capable of living on his own, but chooses not to b/c he wants to save money. So, my question is: "Under what circumstances would you be okay dating someone who is still living at home?"

I think American society is very individualistic more so than familial and the whole idea that at 18 you're an adult and you move out and such is rather American. It wasn't until I moved to the US that I realized young adults living at home had a stigma attached. Where I'm originally from, this is a very common thing and it's not usually because the person is a bum who does nothing but leech off their family. It's more common for families to live together and usually people move out when they're gonna get married. They usually have careers and jobs,and especially for people whose parents are well-off, it usually makes more sense to stay at home, have your own space and quarters even and live comfortably and save for a house or move when you're ready to start your own coupled life than to move to a place that's less nice just to pay rent.

That said, I'm not immediately opposed to it because of my own background. If it was a comfortable scenario, he had a career and such and living at home he still had a fair amount of space and privacy, even say a basement apartment with his own entrance, I would be willing. However, if it's a case where you're at home, not very ambitious, there is no privacy and the whole thing just seems like you're an overgrown child and not an adult...then no. That's the difference to me. Living at home doesn't automatically mean you're a leech or tied to the apron strings of your parents. One can be an adult who lives at home for practical reasons and who is very much an adult in every sense, you just share space with your family and even help them out and pay bills. The latter is tolerable for me and is common where I'm originally from while the former is unacceptable. I also dated guys who didn't live at home, but might as well they did, as they were tied to their moms , had mom coming over and doing the cooking and cleaning for them, were always on the phone with their mom about every action and decision, and it was quite childish, not living at home was then neither here nor there.

Edited July 19, 2016 by MissBee

July 19, 2016

I also dated guys who didn't live at home, but might as well they did, as they were tied to their moms , had mom coming over and doing the cooking and cleaning for them, were always on the phone with their mom about every action and decision, and it was quite childish, not living at home was then neither here nor there.

Umm, depends....

Cuz men come from "women" (their mother) and, until they marry, yes, some still need a connection with a female figure to provide that sense of nurturing.

And then there's "momma's boys" out there too.

My nephew and brother talk to me almost every day about mundane stuff and decisions, etc. And yes, growing up I was more involved/influence than their mothers...so, I guess they rely on speaking with me a lot. And, neither of them are momma's boys. I just believe that men still need a female figure to turn to until that torch gets passed onto their wives.

Now, I guess my nephew still turns to me cuz his first wife was a horrible B and while I love his current gf, I guess he still looks towards me for guidance cuz I'm more knowledgeable than his gf. As for my brother? Yes, he speaks to me cuz his wife has poop for brains.

Lol, BTW, brings back memories...

When my nephew drove truck, I always made sure to cook for him, go pick him up and let him shower and bunk by me. Id also send him off with food.

And yes, for my brother and his family, I also cook once/twice a week.

Yes, you didn't know Gloria25 had "nurturing" in her bones?

Oh gosh, I think I'm creeping out my FWB. Cuz, yes, I think that I express the "nurturing" towards him and I'm not even his gf But I can't help it!!! I'm a woman, isn't it built into us to nurture?

Edited July 19, 2016 by Gloria25

July 19, 2016

Help him how?

BTW, are you a male or female? Are you dating him? What mistakes did he make that require him to go back home to live with parents?

Just listening and giving any insight. My signature does say "love being a father." :-) So, male. Heterosexual in every way. Got into a relationship he was warned about, but wanted to be the knight in shining armour. He learned quickly that it wasn't going to work. He is not required to move back. In fact, he is in a very comfortable position financially, etc. He could easily continue being on his own, going overseas with his kids, but his family is strongly encouraging him to "come home." And yes, indefinitely. It's up to him really. I wish I had family like that.

July 19, 2016

Just listening and giving any insight. My signature does say "love being a father." :-) So, male. Heterosexual in every way. Got into a relationship he was warned about, but wanted to be the knight in shining armour. He learned quickly that it wasn't going to work. He is not required to move back. In fact, he is in a very comfortable position financially, etc. He could easily continue being on his own, going overseas with his kids, but his family is strongly encouraging him to "come home." And yes, indefinitely. It's up to him really. I wish I had family like that.

Well, see, having kids is different - especially if he's a single dad. Kids need stability and support. If a family is broken (missing one or both parents), yes, extended family is needed.

So, I'm all for him going back home - for the kids' sake. Cuz, no matter how well financially he can do on his own, the kids need family, support, love and stability.

And, like Dr. Laura says, he probably shouldn't be dating until the kids are 18, up and out. They don't need the drama and as you mentioned, he's busy playing Knight in Shining Armour and putting his mind and finances in jeapordy - which will harm his kids. I don't have kids, but I would never neglect my kids by trying to rescue people...my kids will always come first. Shoot, another reason he needs to be near family, so they can dissuade him from neglecting his kids over some skirt.

So, whether or not women find him dateable cuz he's living with parents should be the last thing on his mind. How he provides his kids with the best care should be his concern.

I would've recommend he date casually w/o introducing his lady friend to the kids (which will also totally avoid her having concerns about him living at home if she understands his kids are priority and she's just "hamburgers and movies on the weekend chick"), but if even with kids he was risking himself and them over some woman, then he probably shouldn't even try to date casually.

Edited July 19, 2016 by Gloria25

July 19, 2016

Gloria25. I can't go into details as I am not certain of all of it for one, but he was definitely looking out for his kids during all of this. One of the main reasons for HIS leaving the relationship was for his kids. No, he wasn't being neglectful as far as I could tell. Of course, I didn't have the benefit of being a fly on the wall. His priority is always his kids...no question in my mind that that is the case. As for not dating until his kids are 18....that is a reasonable option for some, but most do not adhere to such. Having kids should not prevent one from having a healthy relationship. I would never suggest such a thing. As long as he continues to keep his kids at the top of the priority list, I trust he is capable of dating and doing his best to keep his kids healthy, safe and loved...

Ok. I think this conversation is pretty much made a few things clear. That it's not all that clear. Lol. I've spoken to him about many of the issue discussed here and I think he knows where he is and where he is going. Thanks all!

July 19, 2016

Well, then what does "being on your own" mean? Does it only involve being single??? Anyway. Most people would not doubt that he has been on his own, working, being responsible, paying the rent or mortgage...etc.

Being "on your own" means living in a house/ flat/ apartment... on your own. I.E. you are responsible for rent and bills, Mummy is not upstairs doing your washing. If the place is a mess its because you have not cleaned up and no one else is coming in to clean when the stink of your mouldy socks starts traveling through the floor boards.

Being "on your own" and "independent" means just that. Taking care of yourself and living independently of your parents etc.

As for your friend.

He has bigger priorities right now than chasing skirt. Advise him this. Work his ass off, save, get himself into his own home (rented or owned doesn't matter as long as it is his home), get himself secure and not bumming off of his mother (even if it is a big basement that IS what he is doing). Going back to Mum and Dad for a short spell while you sort yourself out is fine but it really does need to be temporary. When he is settled in his new home then take a look around and see what is there. Before that women will think that he is just "same old same old" out to have someone else wipe his bottom for him... he may not be but trust me, the vast majority of men who are home with mother do not have big plans and intend to stay there until they find someone stupid enough to take them in and baby them, regardless of what they say. Hence why women will steer clear.

For what its worth we women know that if a man bums off his mother then in all likelihood he will bum off of us too... I am all for equality, but when a man moves in and abuses your home and you are paying for him you start to think a sack of spuds would be more attractive...

July 19, 2016

"Under what circumstances would you be okay dating someone who is still living at home?"

I have not read the rest of the thread, just addressing the OP.

At my age (37). Nothing.

I don't care if he is going to inherit the place. I am going to inherit my parents place too... when they are dead... in some indeterminate time frame.

I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world and i own my own place (well, me and the bank ). I don't expect him to be a home owner but I don't believe that anyone that lives with mum and dad is truely independent. My mum still does my washing and makes me tea at home.

Stereotype? Maybe - probably. But I have no obligation to search for the rare exception.

I have my act together and want an equal in a partner. If its a cost saving thing, there would need to be a compelling reason for a middle age man to be such a tight ****. Sure he may be "getting back on his feet" but I don't have a great deal of interest in dating a man at that stage.

July 19, 2016

Okay, so some people have not been reading the posts in their entirety. My friend is FULLY capable of finding his own place. His mother (family) are encouraging him to move into mom's house as he settles into new area. He has a kid. He is fully capable of contributing financially and that his what he says he will do. He is not a moocher and never has been. I have never known him not to be responsible for his own.

July 19, 2016

Certainly agree, the motivations are different. But how noble is saving for retirement or some bucket-list activity if I'm sponging off Mom and Dad to do so? I'm not interested in accumulating assets at their expense nor would I be attracted to someone doing so...

Mr. Lucky

Then don't. Nothing wrong with that.

For others, their parents may not have a problem with them being there because of the exchange of intangibles. Time is also a commodity; something the arrangement is based upon and for however long both parties agree that they benefit from the arrangement, there is the exchange of that.

For some people, like myself, to be able to help my daughter when she made the decision to go back to grad school by letting her move back in with me was a no-brainer. She did pay half, but she also was able to accomplish her goal--and she's been on her own ever since. Why? Because she had an end game in mind. She wasn't giving up and hiding. Big difference.

I not only love my daughter fiercely, I really like her as a person and now that she's grown, she's more my friend than my child. So having her company for the 13 months she took to position herself to accomplish her goals was the intangible I got in exchange.

As I've reiterated, the motivation and sense of entitlement are at the root of how the two mindsets travel.

July 19, 2016

I not only love my daughter fiercely, I really like her as a person and now that she's grown, she's more my friend than my child. So having her company for the 13 months she took to position herself to accomplish her goals was the intangible I got in exchange.

As I've reiterated, the motivation and sense of entitlement are at the root of how the two mindsets travel.

This is him. He has a great relationship with his family. No entitlement and one of the most motivated people I know.

July 19, 2016

Then don't. Nothing wrong with that.

For others, their parents may not have a problem with them being there because of the exchange of intangibles. Time is also a commodity; something the arrangement is based upon and for however long both parties agree that they benefit from the arrangement, there is the exchange of that.

For some people, like myself, to be able to help my daughter when she made the decision to go back to grad school by letting her move back in with me was a no-brainer. She did pay half, but she also was able to accomplish her goal--and she's been on her own ever since. Why? Because she had an end game in mind. She wasn't giving up and hiding. Big difference.

I not only love my daughter fiercely, I really like her as a person and now that she's grown, she's more my friend than my child. So having her company for the 13 months she took to position herself to accomplish her goals was the intangible I got in exchange.

As I've reiterated, the motivation and sense of entitlement are at the root of how the two mindsets travel.

And that's what I'm trying to get across to my current guy. I'd love to have him around for the time we're dating (cuz duh, he's gonna move on to marry and have kids with someone his age - like Mila Kunis) - while he can save and job search and/or go for his masters. And, by the time we're done dating, hopefully menopause will set in for me and after him I'll lose interest in sex, which in turn, will make me lose interest in dating FOR GOOD.

It works for me cuz both of us are on budgets (even dating for me gets expensive) and our schedules and so terrible. If we are under the same roof things will be easier by ten times.

No, I'm not a fan of shacking up with someone intended for life (marriage) cuz statistics show that shack-ups usually end up in divorce shortly after marriage; and NO, I'm no sugar momma...so, I believe that with him being a hard working and decent guy with goals, we both can benefit from this transitional period in his life.

I mean, I think he likes me a lot and I sure am like goofy smitten over him, but like most situations with age gaps (think Demi Moore and Ashton, they dated 8 years and now his married to someone his age - Mila Kunis), I believe he will move on at some point. Besides, like most attorneys and doctors, they eventually chuck the women they were with while studying cuz now that they "made it", they wanna start fresh with a woman who didn't see them when they were struggling (or they are shallow creeps who wanna upgrade to a trophy wife).

But still, I think he's gonna turn down my proposal cuz he has his pride and wants to "figure it out" on his own (which makes me so proud of him)...he probably wants his privacy and would feel better bunking with the "dudes" over some chick who is starting to mother him...and, he probably thinks bunking with me means he'll owe me something and/or he has to commit to me.

So, while in my eyes it's a mutually beneficial arrangement, I think he's seeing it otherwise and I've told him I'm cool with whatever he decides.

Edited July 19, 2016 by Gloria25

July 19, 2016

And that's what I'm trying to get across to my current guy. I'd love to have him around for the time we're dating (cuz duh, he's gonna move on to marry and have kids with someone his age - like Mila Kunis) - while he can save and job search and/or go for his masters. And, by the time we're done dating, hopefully menopause will set in for me and after him I'll lose interest in sex, which in turn, will make me lose interest in dating FOR GOOD.

It works for me cuz both of us are on budgets (even dating for me gets expensive) and our schedules and so terrible. If we are under the same roof things will be easier by ten times.

No, I'm not a fan of shacking up with someone intended for life (marriage) cuz statistics show that shack-ups usually end up in divorce shortly after marriage; and NO, I'm no sugar momma...so, I believe that with him being a hard working and decent guy with goals, we both can benefit from this transitional period in his life.

I mean, I think he likes me a lot and I sure am like goofy smitten over him, but like most situations with age gaps (think Demi Moore and Ashton, they dated 8 years and now his married to someone his age - Mila Kunis), I believe he will move on at some point. Besides, like most attorneys and doctors, they eventually chuck the women they were with while studying cuz now that they "made it", they wanna start fresh with a woman who didn't see them when they were struggling (or they are shallow creeps who wanna upgrade to a trophy wife).

But still, I think he's gonna turn down my proposal cuz he has his pride and wants to "figure it out" on his own (which makes me so proud of him)...he probably wants his privacy and would feel better bunking with the "dudes" over some chick who is starting to mother him...and, he probably thinks bunking with me means he'll owe me something and/or he has to commit to me.

So, while in my eyes it's a mutually beneficial arrangement, I think he's seeing it otherwise and I've told him I'm cool with whatever he decides.

How much of an age difference is there? You sound like some lady! I hope this guy stays with you...

July 19, 2016

Okay, so some people have not been reading the posts in their entirety. My friend is FULLY capable of finding his own place. His mother (family) are encouraging him to move into mom's house as he settles into new area. He has a kid. He is fully capable of contributing financially and that his what he says he will do. He is not a moocher and never has been. I have never known him not to be responsible for his own.

I have read all of that, but you know that from history.

When I meet a guy, I don't know any of that and for me, it's pure speculation.

He may be a prize catch but for where I am in life, a guy my age who lives at home is not appealing. He may be fully capable, but he currently isn't demonstration that capability.

July 19, 2016

How much of an age difference is there? You sound like some lady! I hope this guy stays with you...

He's 26. I'm 40.

It would be nice if we stay together, but I'm afraid that he's gonna want someone younger. Like the other day he was talking about not wanting kids and I think he's not wanting/feeling that cuz he's 26 and is focused on school and making his way in life. Once he achieves those, I'm sure that he's gonna find a Mila Kunis - someone to start a family with (Think of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs).

July 20, 2016

I have read all of that, but you know that from history.

When I meet a guy, I don't know any of that and for me, it's pure speculation.

He may be a prize catch but for where I am in life, a guy my age who lives at home is not appealing. He may be fully capable, but he currently isn't demonstration that capability.

True. He'll make a decision soon and weigh the dating situation as well. I suspect he'll move in for the short-term.

July 20, 2016

He's 26. I'm 40.

It would be nice if we stay together, but I'm afraid that he's gonna want someone younger. Like the other day he was talking about not wanting kids and I think he's not wanting/feeling that cuz he's 26 and is focused on school and making his way in life. Once he achieves those, I'm sure that he's gonna find a Mila Kunis - someone to start a family with (Think of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs).

Again, you must be some lady! His young guy digging someone 14-yrs his senior! BTW, you are still young, vibrant! I now wonder why you'd date someone so much younger?!

July 20, 2016

Again, you must be some lady! His young guy digging someone 14-yrs his senior! BTW, you are still young, vibrant! I now wonder why you'd date someone so much younger?!

Hmmm.... do I sense a potential love connection here?

simpleNfit meet Gloria... Gloria meet simpleNfit.

:love:

j/teasing ya... lol

Edited July 20, 2016 by katiegrl

July 20, 2016

Again, you must be some lady! His young guy digging someone 14-yrs his senior! BTW, you are still young, vibrant! I now wonder why you'd date someone so much younger?!

Well, I don't go for younger guys. Actually, I met him months ago and on top of all the other crap I was dealing with, his age is why I was leery about giving it a try.

But, I wish I did sooner. I really like him. He's tall, handsome, fit, smart, humble and gosh he's great in bed. He speaks Spanish and has been to my country. Eh, but the age difference does rear its ugly head at times. But then again, it could also be personality differences.

Gosh, I daydream some times about him. I'm so smitten that I physically am scared to orgasm cuz it's like he's gonna really have me. I mean of the times I have climaxed I get worse goofy and spend the next few days giving myself facepalms.

One time he was showing me the instruments he plays and I wanted to run away cuz it's like this dude just has so many things in a guy I like/want. I haven't felt this way in years...he even surpasses my last FWB in stuff I like. Geesh, I'm gonna give myself a facepalm now....

Edited July 20, 2016 by Gloria25

July 21, 2016

LOL The new thing is for guys who do this to say "I live here because I'm helping my mom/dad out".

Yeah, right.

I've heard that same line enough to know what it means now. It's just a line thrown out to blur and obfuscate the image of a "momma's boy".

Because a manly-man don't want to be known as that, right?

Well, behind the smoke and mirror that's exactly what they are. NOT independent, they are semi-dependent on mom.

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What is wrong with dating someone who lives in the basement of his parent's house?

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