What is wrong with dating someone who lives in the basement of his parent's house?

[Gr8fuln2020]

Never again! My recent ex lived with his two sisters. I gave him the same benefit of the doubt at first - maybe he's saving up, has bigger plans, etc. Yeah no, it was an indication of other things that came to light - he was irresponsible, selfish and had no real ambition or plan. Plus 90% of our time ended up being spent at my place, where i paid the bill and i cleaned up the mess he left behind. Boring and annoying. NEVER AGAIN!

 

Yup. I can definitely see this as unacceptable. Thanks. Let me ask you...what if your ex helped with your bills?

[elaine567]

Hi. Thanks for the response. This guy has been on his own since he was in his early twenties. .

 

Ok, "been on his own", but does that not mean with some sort of woman looking after him.

Many men leave their mothers for gfs then wives, then when they divorce they go home to their parents as actually they have never truly been "on their own".

[SwordofFlame]

Culture plays a large role in this. In a lot of Asian cultures the kids live with their parents until they get married and maybe even after. In American culture, there is a negative connotation that goes with a grown adult living with their parents. You can debate the logical advantages and disadvantages all you want, but you're not going to shake that negative image. Unless maybe you're a millennial

[Gr8fuln2020]

Ok, "been on his own", but does that not mean with some sort of woman looking after him.

Many men leave their mothers for gfs then wives, then when they divorce they go home to their parents as actually they have never truly been "on their own".

 

Well, then what does "being on your own" mean? Does it only involve being single??? Anyway. Most people would not doubt that he has been on his own, working, being responsible, paying the rent or mortgage...etc.

[elaine567]

Well, then what does "being on your own" mean? Does it only involve being single??? Anyway. Most people would not doubt that he has been on his own, working, being responsible, paying the rent or mortgage...etc.

 

Living on his own in his own apartment washing his own socks and cooking for himself, with no woman looking after him whatsoever.

If he has never spent any time like that, then he is the typical man who when his wife threw him out, he comes back to mummy and she then sorts his life out for him.

And that is not a man many woman want to get involved with.

[Larryville]

Culture plays a large role in this. In a lot of Asian cultures the kids live with their parents until they get married and maybe even after.

 

Good point, I lived in a neighborhood where several generations of Asian’s lived together and Mexicans however in most of those circumstances the adult children who lived in these situations worked in the or a family business together and pooled money and resources. Most of the white kids (adult men) I knew were frankly bumming off the parents, most not working or barely working.

 

Dated someone who had her son (25) still in college and could almost never have an early meet and greet/date because she went home to cook for him or got his food every evening. Ridiculous.

 

If I meet someone and they indicate that have an adult child still living at home frankly I don’t care why I won’t even consider especially if she has been single for some time because usually they throw themselves into their kids lives instead of concentrating on their own lives.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Living on his own in his own apartment washing his own socks and cooking for himself, with no woman looking after him whatsoever.

If he has never spent any time like that, then he is the typical man who when his wife threw him out, he comes back to mummy and she then sorts his life out for him.

And that is not a man many woman want to get involved with.

 

Tough Elaine. He lived that way for years before getting married and after. I know, I used to visit him and back then used to joke that he needed a woman's touch. He's been a single father for some years as well. Only him taking care of his kids. Everything for his kids.

 

He was never booted out. There are many reasons why a relationship fails and sometimes dismantling something can be just as healthy as keeping it together. He may be going through a transition right now, but I have met very few women who have their crap together. He's pretty close in my mind...just going through some stuff which is understandable.

[bummer]

I thought about that. Having sex in the basement...ugh. When I say basement, technically it is, but it has multiple bedrooms, etc. I could be a large multi-bedroom apartment on its own. Nice. Space not an issue.

 

Sounds like he is trying to transition his life after his relationship. Honestly, reading between the lines, he is at home to let the parents help with his kid and isn't really interested in serious relationships knowing how off-putting basement dwelling can be for relationships. He knows he's stepped out of the social norm track.

 

 

I think it's fine to casually date as long as there is a 3-6 month horizon where he would be interested in moving out so he doesn't end up stalling his life out living from home. I can't see long term compatibility with that situation.

[alphamale]

What does he look like?

 

:laugh:

[Sunlight72]

In the end, he has mentioned that moving out would be a very possible option, but for now he doesn't see the benefit of it. Maybe a nice lady would quickly convince him.

Hi. Thanks for the response. This guy has been on his own since he was in his early twenties. The idea of living with his parents is a new development. He is very independent. He just got out of a relationship as well. Oh, he is not sheltered. Well traveled and devoted father. He is kind of nutty about his kids. I respect him for that. I know that I could do better with my own, but I have an ex to deal with. Ha.

I offer this only to be objective and hopefully a little helpful ...

 

When you ask a question, the policy that people appreciate is to let them answer honestly (from their point of view), without going on to convince them they're wrong.

 

Your replies sound like you are working to convince everyone why they are wrong about your friend and why they should be contacting you for his phone number to date him. I don't think that's your goal, but that is how it is coming across.

 

You might consider accepting that 'no thanks' is just the true answer for most of the women replying (?).

 

Best Wishes

[ChickiePops]

The circumstances under which I would be willing to date a guy who lived with his parents...

 

If we were both still in high school. MAYBE college but...probably not.

[SoleMate]

If he's living in squalor in a basement dungeon surrounded by rancid Cheeto bags, then no.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

Living at home because he is working towards a tangible goal, such as saving money for whatever purpose; be it a house, an activity/bucket list thing he wants to do, doing some catching up on fattening up his retirement--but he is in no way dependent upon his parents for his style of living.

 

living at home because he is dependent upon/taking advantage of his parents in any way/shape or form because he lacks motivation or his parents coddle him.

 

But isn't there some bleed-through between these two? The way the former advances towards the goal is by taking advantage similar to the latter. The cause doesn't change the effect...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Emilia]

Well, then what does "being on your own" mean? Does it only involve being single??? Anyway. Most people would not doubt that he has been on his own, working, being responsible, paying the rent or mortgage...etc.

Truly standing on your own feet means that no matter what, you resolve whatever problem you face while remaining fully independent. That applies to the ability to resolve emotionally difficult situations too, not just financial. How can you count on an adult who has to rush home to mummy and daddy when the going gets tough?

 

Being able to see things though on your own gives you the sort of confidence that also makes you a reliable relationship partner, a port in a storm. Someone who rushes home as an adult because he is working through some issues most likely cannot be counted on because he doesn't have the emotional resilience.

[GunslingerRoland]

I guess it depends, I've known people who've lived with their parents independently. Cooking, doing laundry, managing finances, all of the regular adult stuff, I don't know if living at home precludes you from doing the majority of what being an adult is. But especially if they had never lived away from their parents I would find that strange, for someone past their mid 20's.

[Jabron1]

It's a simple provider issue.

 

I've moved in for periods with my father or mother, and still got girls without skipping a beat. That is because I'm not interested in being their provider.

 

Don't recall any real troubles. Any woman that had a problem with that, can hit the road. If they wanted to dump me for not being a useful tool, that's fine. That isn't the kind of attraction that I look for anyway.

 

Being able to see things though on your own gives you the sort of confidence that also makes you a reliable relationship partner, a port in a storm. Someone who rushes home as an adult because he is working through some issues most likely cannot be counted on because he doesn't have the emotional resilience.

 

You think men care about this in any sort of way, at all?

 

This is about survivalism/resources.

 

Simply don't play that game in the first place is my advice.

[Gr8fuln2020]

You might consider accepting that 'no thanks' is just the true answer for most of the women replying (?).

 

Best Wishes

 

I figured as much. Just spent the last hour talking to him about this. Not an issue he really wants to discuss, but it was a heart to heart. He figures that if he dates he'd take it slow and if things progress he'd seriously considering moving into his own place. I think, or if I were him, after all he's been through, I'd put some things together for the next few months and accept his family's offer of help.

 

All in all, he pretty much knows that most, if any, ladies will not want to date a man living with his parent.

[Jabron1]

 

All in all, he pretty much knows that most, if any, ladies will not want to date a man living with his parent.

 

I'll tell you this much: early last year, I met my ex-girlfriend. I was staying at my mum's house at that time.

 

She is a 9. Serious model quality looks. She is also Polish (these girls are a bit more expectant of their men in this regard).

 

I still pulled her. Went out with her for about 7 months or so.

 

Trust me, it isn't about where he lives. He has other problems that need addressing instead.

[Emilia]

I figured as much. Just spent the last hour talking to him about this. Not an issue he really wants to discuss, but it was a heart to heart. He figures that if he dates he'd take it slow and if things progress he'd seriously considering moving into his own place. I think, or if I were him, after all he's been through, I'd put some things together for the next few months and accept his family's offer of help.

 

All in all, he pretty much knows that most, if any, ladies will not want to date a man living with his parent.

Perhaps you should just let him get on and not involve yourself in his life so much? It sort of seems to me that you are going where perhaps you are not wanted.

[kendahke]

But isn't there some bleed-through between these two? The way the former advances towards the goal is by taking advantage similar to the latter. The cause doesn't change the effect...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No. As I said, they are two completely different originating motivations.

 

One isn't planning on being there indefinitely. It's a means to a financial end.

 

The other just doesn't give a good got damb about how triflin' he's being.

[preraph]

If someone has lived on their own for at least a couple of years successfully, supporting themselves and not being taken care of by someone, like a girlfriend who does everything for them, I see nothing wrong with moving home temporarily to save some money. But only if you've been independent first.

 

Of course, that makes dating harder. It's always your house. You may or may not mind that.

 

P.S. Just as an added factoid, the grown men I knew who went back to live with their moms or dad or never left, turns out they were doing it because they were either bad alcoholics or drug addicts. So that enabled them to spend all their $ on their bad habits. So be sure the guy is saving up for something that materializes, like an education or a car.

[Mr. Lucky]

No. As I said, they are two completely different originating motivations.

 

One isn't planning on being there indefinitely. It's a means to a financial end.

 

The other just doesn't give a good got damb about how triflin' he's being.

 

Certainly agree, the motivations are different. But how noble is saving for retirement or some bucket-list activity if I'm sponging off Mom and Dad to do so? I'm not interested in accumulating assets at their expense nor would I be attracted to someone doing so...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lady Hamilton]

Maybe it's a regional thing, but I wouldn't think twice about a guy or girl still living at home (or living at home again). The housing costs here are so outrageously expensive, and rent costs as much or more than a mortgage... And we have a housing shortage in top of that. Living with parents for an extensive amount of time is no big thing around here at all.

 

Honestly, every single person I know, save for one, lives either with a roommate or a parent. And the one single person I know who lives on her own pays $1800 for a split level condo-style apartment, and she works two jobs out of the house and three jobs in her home to make it work. She hustles.

 

Where you lose me is when you live at home, your mom does your laundry, your mom cooks all your meals, your mom does all the cleaning, and you're spending what you save on luxuries and not an ultimate end goal.

 

But one of my closest friends works seasonally in a really good government job, travels the country for six months, lives with his parents his six months off. Mid-30s, drives the same car he got in high school, kind of a dork but a sweet dork, educated with a Masters, pursuing his PH.D. Has done this since he was was 24. On paper that doesn't look so awesome...

 

That said, He does his own everything and works to maintain the home, and he has $175,000+ in in a savings account that he can withdraw from now for anything. No debt, no school loans, and he just keeps saving away. He says he sees no point in spending $1-2k in rent a month for a place he sees half the year, and he'd rather save his money for when he has a wife who can help him set roots somewhere. He's not a tightwad, he just doesn't see the point in spending for a want now when he could save it for a need later.

 

Now he's getting married to a woman who's hitting 40 and also lived with her parents so she could save about 220k, they're paying cash for a $120k fixer upper house, he's set up for retirement at 45 and she's set with her business whenever she wants to step back, and neither have a worry in the world.

 

That sounds like a sweet deal and if you live with your parents to get to that goal? Rock on.

[Gloria25]

Well, then what does "being on your own" mean? Does it only involve being single??? Anyway. Most people would not doubt that he has been on his own, working, being responsible, paying the rent or mortgage...etc.

 

IMO, "being on his/her own" means figuring it out without having to lean on parents.

 

I see some people now a days - even with kids and married who still rely on parents to help them make ends meet and, yeah the economy sucks and all that, but then you see them buying new cars, expensive stuff for the kids and won't try to find better paying jobs, and want kids and the house and all the trimmings - in other words, they want it all and expect parents to help them fund whatever lifestyle they want.

 

I don't have kids, I live in a modest home. I try to keep my bills low. My mum lives with me and for years I've gotten my family out of scrapes. In other words, I don't go out there trying to live a certain way then run to my parents to foot the bill. Actually, the little bit my mum just started giving me every month since last year - no way makes up for me covering her food, roof, etc...and, what I've done for her in the past.

 

So yeah, I sit around and get sorta jealous when I see people who can't afford it having kids, buying new cars, being lazy and mom/dad is there to rescue them always. But, at the same time I take pride in knowing that while I've had to sacrifice certain things, at least I can say with pride that I earned everything I have and didn't do it with my hand out to my parents.

 

Now, I am blessed that the military paid for my college and opened up a lot of doors for me. Not everyone has that and they get student loans, help from relatives/parents...and, I'm cool with that cuz in life whether it's the military or something else, we all got some form of support to get our start off in life.

 

My issue is, if you're getting all this support and wasting time and living off your parents - yes, you are an embarrassment. If you have no plan (ie graduate, save, pay parents and loans off) then you're a jerk and a bum.

 

About figuring it out? One of my relatives lived with her mum. Mum took out some loans for her to go to X school, live in expensive dorms on campus and she got lazy. Grades dropped. She had to move in with mum and was about to drop school all together. She kept her mom's apt nasty too. I don'tknow if it was the few stern talks I had to her, but she did a 180. She is working, back in school and even moved out and got her a place and car....she "figured it out" and I'm proud of her. Geesh, over holiday weekend she even brought homework to do...she reminds me so much of me, I'd always be burried in my books and was responsible in keeping up with my stuff.

 

So, being independent means that even if you're still going to school, trying to make your way in this world, you're not doing it in your parent's basement and/or off their money, car, support (ie watching your kids over 50% the week)...you're bunking with other people who are fellow students, young people, etc; you're working two, three, etc. Jobs; you don't run and buy a new car if you already have one and getting a new one requires parents co-signing; you don't party on weekends when you could be pulling another shift to get rent money; you be responsible; you "figure it out".

[Gloria25]

Culture plays a large role in this. In a lot of Asian cultures the kids live with their parents until they get married and maybe even after. In American culture, there is a negative connotation that goes with a grown adult living with their parents. You can debate the logical advantages and disadvantages all you want, but you're not going to shake that negative image. Unless maybe you're a millennial

 

I agree...

 

Coming from a Hispanic background and living in a poor country, you barely make enough to become independent. So, you see a lot of people's kids just build like an annex to parent's place when they get married and have kids.

 

Also, they seem to be more social. Families enjoy being close around each other. Not like the US where kids move states away and just come home for the holidays.

 

Having extended family near is good at times and sorta annoying too.