lolablue17 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I think you can solve the "waking at night" problem very easily, just consult with your friends and family and do what they say. About you Gf... Listen, if you want to leave, do it. But if you choose to stay i advice you to fulfill a '3 month mission': Say "yes" to everything she asks, agree to everything she says, tell her 20 times a day that you admire her, and you love her, and remember the primary rule - "She is always right, and you are always wrong". Can you make it for 3 month? I advice you to try. You won't believe what can it do to your future relationship. Just 3 month... Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Honestly it sounds like you don't appreciate your girlfriend enough. She is trying her best to raise a child with special needs with little help from a partner who clearly did not want him, or feel prepared to have him. You "couldn't do" poopy diapers? I'm sorry but I had to laugh at that one. And the fact that she is interested in sex but you are complaining that she can't orgasm after childbirth, rather than appreciating the effort, is just so sad. I think the fact that your son may be autistic probably complicates the situation. That may be why some of the child-rearing is turning out so difficult for you both. Is there a specialist or support group you can see to get a better understanding of how to handle these challenges? Couples counseling probably wouldn't hurt, either. Based on your description and tone I can honestly see why your gf complains so much. But that's not really serving either of you any favors. A counselor can help you communicate better. Even if you ultimately split, it will help you be better co-parents, so it's a good investment. Honestly it's a tough situation. Based on your post you just seem very bitter that you are here at all, stuck in a family you never wanted. But there is a child and you need to man up and think about what's best for him. I think given the special needs aspect splitting up would be quite devastating for your gf. It is difficult enough raising a special needs kid with 2 incomes and one parent who is able to stay at home. Being a single mom likely with financial problems is going to be so tough. But the rate you're going it sounds inevitable. No one can force you to stay. If you're set on wanting to leave please don't abandon your kid completely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I don't think it's all one or the other's fault. There are several things out of balance and they tend to spill over and exasperate the problems of intimacy and communication in the relationship. The first one is the biggie, and it's not uncommon. I believe she has shifted her 'primary other' focus almost entirely to the kid and away from you. It's important that a couple continue to view each other as primary after a child is born. That's not to say the child's needs shouldn't be met, and they are quite needy creatures... it means that the couple still invest in their relationship and meet each other's emotional needs. Children don't meet our needs; we meet theirs. The couple form the primary alliance, the family structure that supports the child. The order of operations are, take care of yourself first (so you can be a good spouse and parent), the marital relationship second (as the primary structure of the family), the home and family unit as a whole third, and individual children fourth. When the mother shifts focus to the child, to the exclusion of the father, the marital relationship weakens and risks the cohesiveness of the family unit. I suspect that your wife is now seeing herself and the child almost as one unit (enmeshment). She has quit meeting your emotional and relational needs, and at the same time has jacked up the expectations as to what you should be doing to support them (never mind that you work full time). She's probably not aware of it, she's just not happy that you aren't meeting every conceivable need she and the baby have, and resentment is starting to set in. On the other hand, you are tired of being the odd one out, the target of her expressions of dissatisfaction, and not getting your needs met or feeling appreciated for anything you do. You're getting no credit for effort because to her, there is a deficit that you're a long way from equalizing. So now you two have a resistance dynamic going on between you that breeds more resentment and more resistance. I think you need to seek help with the practical problems of the child rearing and breast feeding, and find a good counselor that can help you prioritize your relationship and reestablish affection, communication and positive regard. And there are certain things you have to accept. Babies poop and fathers change diapers. It would piss anyone off if you just decide not to participate in the stinky aspects of child rearing. She needs to get over the perfectionism that makes her feels righteous about criticizing and making it so that what you do is never enough, or never good enough. Counseling. You're too far in to think you can fix it without help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 The mothers where I worked weaned their baby off night feeding after 3 months to help their kids sleep through the night and to help themselves too. Irrespective of breast feeding or not. Baby sleep training: Night weaning | BabyCenter Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Your GF is 90% right. From what you have written, it is you who is the complainer. Get this thru your "cant stand poop" head. You are the FATHER. It is your responsibility to take care of the child. HE IS YOUR CHILD. It is not difficult to change a diaper, and to be honest, if your gf watched you throw up, because of YOUR CHILDS poop, I am sure she would see you as pathetic, because you are. Complaining about sex? You are kidding me. You cant even change a dirty diaper and you think you deserve sex? You dont. Either take charge of the situation or stand aside and let a Man come thru. WTF. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I am pretty sure I've been where you are. Living with a woman who can't/won't be happy no matter what you do or say. Trying to make time with her won't work as she won't even approve of a babysitter. Constantly stressed and feeling like your walking on eggshells. For me, I think I was a lot more pro-active on the kids angle. You have probably already noticed the others letting you know that you need to up you daddy game. Here's what I think you should you need to both come up with emergency car accident prep plans: as it what would happen to you or to her if one of you died in a car accident tomorrow? You need to know everything you would have to do for this kid if that happened. From feeding, to sleeping to diapers to clothes. It's easier than it looks, and you get used to the poop. And your wife may need to start working so that she could cover bills. Without the right preparation...your kid's life is at risk. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 (edited) Honestly. Anyone would complain if the father of their child 'couldn't do poop' and thus automatically exempts himself from ever changing diapers... I'm not saying she doesn't have issues, but you sure as hell do too. NOBODY likes poop, people just make themselves get used to it if they have children because they have to. This. I've heard many men echo this foolishness about having their wives change diapers because of the smell of poop. Very immature and selfish attitude. Being a mother is so much harder when there's an unhelpful partner to deal with as well. Edited July 19, 2016 by BettyDraper Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 Have you ever spent 24 hours with a toddler? It is as much of a full time job as a regular job. Do you do anything at home, or do you expect her to do everything all the time? Has she tried to give you and your son time to bond? Has she tried to let go at all? This is both of your faults. Equally. Also, have you had your son tested for autism? Link to post Share on other sites
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