Author SaveYourHeart Posted July 29, 2016 Author Share Posted July 29, 2016 I think you should not have moved back until you two had spent some time in counselling and working on your personal growth. A week apart has changed nothing. Everything is the same as it was when you started this thread. All he had to do was say some stuff you wanted to hear and you caved. Now he might stop drinking for a bit and attend a couple of counselling sessions to make you happy, but things will slowly go back to where they were. I agree, I moved back a little too quickly. I thought, at the time, that I had put my foot down and thought that would be enough to wake him up. But I can already see that this hasn't changed anything. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Another small update - We reconvened Sunday afternoon to discuss where we wanted to go with our marriage. He said he stopped drinking and was willing to go to marriage counseling if that's what I want to do. He said the ball is in my court. I asked him what HE wanted to do, but he just kept saying that he would be happy with whatever decision I made. I guess I'm just a little sad that he didn't act like he needed me back, I had hoped the distance would make us both take a step back and adjust accordingly, but I think it just drove us apart more. We (I) decided that we need to give this marriage another shot. So I'm moving back to his house tomorrow. You could have been in marriage counseling while living apart for a while. Moving back home so soon is sending the message that his insufficient efforts are enough when they are not. An alcoholic doesn't normally just stop drinking. It takes lots of self awareness of his addiction and looking into why he drinks excessively. This could not have happened so quickly. I believe that your husband will start drinking and being abusive again as soon as you move back in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted July 29, 2016 Author Share Posted July 29, 2016 You could have been in marriage counseling while living apart for a while. Moving back home so soon is sending the message that his insufficient efforts are enough when they are not. An alcoholic doesn't normally just stop drinking. It takes lots of self awareness of his addiction and looking into why he drinks excessively. This could not have happened so quickly. I believe that your husband will start drinking and being abusive again as soon as you move back in. You were right. Like clockwork, I came home tonight and he's wasted. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 You were right. Like clockwork, I came home tonight and he's wasted. I wish that I wasn't right, dear. I'm sorry this has happened. You know what you need to do. Time to move out for good and start life on your own. In the unlikely event that your husband seeks therapy and treatment for his alcoholism, I recommend remaining separated for at least a year. Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 What a mess you are in. He is never going to get sober while you're with him. You need to start reading up about enabling, codependency, and get to an al-anon meeting. What does your mom have to say about what's going on? You are way, way, WAY too young to be throwing your life away for a guy like this. I mean, at any age, no one should accept such abuse. I'd rather be single my entire life than live with someone like that. And you need to dig a little deeper about your love of the passion rollercoaster. It's not because you crave excitement. You're not in a healthy relationship, and you being okay with dysfunction stems somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 Before him, I was with another alcoholic, I have a problem with trying to help people. When we started dating, he never drank and then it was an occasional thing. His mother is an alcoholic and I know it's a disease, but he won't change until he WANTS to change and I've just got to find a way to accept that. My mom just wants me to be happy. My sister thinks I should kick his butt to the curb, my dad wants me to be happy but he's also worried about H, my friends think I should have left him a long time ago. I've never had the alone time I needed to figure out who I am without someone else. I'm feeling very checked out right now and I just want to be alone (with my animals) and do some soul searching. I wanted to try, but every time I try to slip back into a routine, I remember the things he said about my dearest friends, I remember the way he screamed at me, I remember the way he was so quick to toss me out like trash and I don't EVER want to feel like that again. I was going to sit down and talk to him when I got home the other day, but when I got there he was drunk again. I'm going to wait until our marriage counseling session to lay it all out, that way we have someone to mediate rationally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 That is really sad I am sorry. i hope counseling starts to take things in a better direction for you both. If I were you, I'd just want to be alone too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted August 15, 2016 Author Share Posted August 15, 2016 Tomorrow afternoon is our first marriage counseling appointment. I discussed some things with my husband that are sure to come out in marriage counseling (my emotions and feeling checked out of the marriage) as I didn't want him to feel blindsided before we got there. He took it well at first and then started having a very aggressive attitude. Lots of talk of, "What's the point? Why put in any more effort? Why bother?" Instead of saying, "Screw it, I'm not happy, I'll never be happy" I told him that I wanted to work it out, that I meant my vows and thought marriage counseling could really help us. Part of me is hoping marriage counseling will fix it and we'll be happy again. The other part is hoping that marriage counseling will really show how incompatible we've come to be and will make it easier to part ways. Wish me luck, y'all! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 Tomorrow afternoon is our first marriage counseling appointment. I discussed some things with my husband that are sure to come out in marriage counseling (my emotions and feeling checked out of the marriage) as I didn't want him to feel blindsided before we got there. He took it well at first and then started having a very aggressive attitude. Lots of talk of, "What's the point? Why put in any more effort? Why bother?" Instead of saying, "Screw it, I'm not happy, I'll never be happy" I told him that I wanted to work it out, that I meant my vows and thought marriage counseling could really help us. Part of me is hoping marriage counseling will fix it and we'll be happy again. The other part is hoping that marriage counseling will really show how incompatible we've come to be and will make it easier to part ways. Wish me luck, y'all! As always I wish you luck and the best possible outcome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 Marriage counseling went as expected, she just kind of got to know us and tell us her method, we made two more appointments for the coming month. I've kind of resigned myself to staying and trying to make it work one more time. Thank you all for your advice and well wishes. I really appreciate your words of wisdom and the time you've taken to respond to my thread. I will try to come back with updates, should anything new transpire. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grisho Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Best of luck. Sorry you are going through this. Stay strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted September 2, 2016 Author Share Posted September 2, 2016 Small update - our marriage counselor is a loony tune and we have literally made no progress with her, other than being united on the front that she's not helping us. My husband has been trying, he quit drinking for a while and things were nice, not tense, calm. I was able to relax a bit and start working on myself. Unfortunately, he bought a big bottle of vodka on Tuesday night. drank 1/4 of it Tuesday, 1/2 on Wednesday and the last 1/4 Thursday (last night). After things being so pleasant, it was clear just how badly the alcohol affects our relationship. We fought all three nights over silly things, stupid stuff that centers more around our opinions on political and ethical topics (abortion, gay marriage, organ donation). I fall somewhere between conservative and liberal. I strongly support gay rights, am pro choice as long as it isn't late term (excluding extreme medical circumstances) and I am an organ donor. He hates abortion, hates organ donation and says he doesn't care about whether gay people get married or not (but then sits and makes fun of gay people and calls them derogatory names). I get heated about things I'm passionate about, but I always try to deescalate the situation, usually by saying that neither of us are going to change the other's opinions. This never sits well with him and he pokes until I get frustrated enough to discuss. It's never-ending when he's drunk. The next time he gets drunk, I'm packing my animals in the car and I'm leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 It's never-ending when he's drunk. The next time he gets drunk, I'm packing my animals in the car and I'm leaving. I am so sorry for you. I came to this site in 2008 to help me end a relationship with an alcoholic so I completely understand. Please also know that you may have to pack up and leave anyway because you know he hasn't given up drinking. As far as your counselor is concerned, please realize that it can take time and work to find the right counselor. Counseling CAN work, if you have the right counselor and you gel with the person helping you. And occasionally that means going through several of them to find that person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 He bought alcohol, drank almost an entire bottle of vodka and lied about it, and I let him get away with it. I feel like I'm stuck back in the cycle again. I know what I need to do, but I'm scared to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
eightytwenty Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Nothing wrong with being scared. But get out. You aren't going to save him, he's doing the same thing over and over, don't drag yourself down because of a fool. First few steps are the hardest, but I promise in a month or so of letting him completely go it'll be worth it. Just have to get through the rough crap first. I was married/divorced young, my heart pounded out of my chest the first few days when I finally told him to go, but once I was free, it was so amazing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SaveYourHeart Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 Nothing wrong with being scared. But get out. You aren't going to save him, he's doing the same thing over and over, don't drag yourself down because of a fool. First few steps are the hardest, but I promise in a month or so of letting him completely go it'll be worth it. Just have to get through the rough crap first. I was married/divorced young, my heart pounded out of my chest the first few days when I finally told him to go, but once I was free, it was so amazing. Thank you for your encouragement. I really needed it today. Link to post Share on other sites
eightytwenty Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Thank you for your encouragement. I really needed it today. You're welcome! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 SYH, have you looked into Al-Anon? It is for people involved in relationships with alcoholics and can offer a first-hand level of support. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 Hi Saveyourheart, I really feel sorry for you both because of your husband and also because of you yourself. I would suggest that you sit down and draw up a list of Pros and Cons about your husband, yourself and your marriage. The lists should be seperate. Once you've made them sit quietly and reflect on the significance of each list. If necessary discuss it with someone you trust like your Mum or Dad. This exercise will enable you to assess whether you can make a success of your marriage. Remember, you cannot change anyone else except yourself, so don't try changing your husband. If any change has to occur it has to be him who is doing the changing. You can change yourself for the better and you should do so. I think the greatest change you need to implement is to have confidence in yourself as an independent person and develop a strong self respect and self esteem.. You have have many sterling qualities which comes through in your writing but you do not seem to have the necessary confidence in yourself. It seems that you need your husband as a crutch to support yourself when in reality, it is he who is using you as a crutch. He will only improve, if it is in his stars, once he is on his own without you to use as a punching bag. Once you have separated/ divorced him and some time later you find that he has actually changed for the better permanently, you can consider a second relationship with him if neither of you has got hitched by then. But till then you have got to get away from him for the sake of your own mental well being and health. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
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