[Advice required regarding my MOW's behaviour]

[DazedandConfusedNow]

I'm pretty new here, but I do wonder by so many BS come on here to lecture those having an affair. Yes I appreciate it must have been devastating for you, but surely you know it doesn't help either of our situations? I could have easily have not mentioned it being an affair and posted onto another forum on here without the grief! Shouldn't you be on the infidelity forum complaining about your affairs rather than on here?

 

But anyway,

 

So its either a case of

1 - The death of her father has made her focus on her father and the type of person she wants to be.

- Likely - she once said she wants to be the best "her" she can be. I guess having an affair isn't being the best "her she can be".

 

2 - The death of her father has made her closer to her husband who may have been there for her.

- Unlikely, her husband isn't one for emotional support, which is why we became close in the first place.

 

3 - She has a new AP

- Possibly. New clothes, hair, going to the gym more. Though she said thats her being the best "her" she can be, she may have found someone. Though why wouldn't she just end things with me and enjoy the AP. Its not as if I'm her husband and there are any obligations.

 

4 - We're over and dying slowly.

- This actually is equally likely and unlikely. Perhaps there is residual love and obligation after so many years, attraction too hence the sex. However she's always been direct and not one to slowly pull band-aids off so it would be out of character.

 

But there is a part of me that is clinging to the fact that

 

5 - Perhaps she just needs a break / space / less intensity? Just nothing but uncomplicated happiness without the highs (and lows) that an affair brings. Just to rebalance herself.

 

And though its making me miserable and I feel empty and angry, and I know I should take care of myself and end things before I go insane, I'm hoping for (5) until she tells me its over. I don't want to proactively end something based upon an assumed 1-4. But then again, the longer I leave it the more I'm losing myself...and then even if she does return, can I really trust / let her in again. That equally terrifies me!

 

I'm not naive, I know relationships can end, but after 7 years isn't it better to wait it out to get a conclusion / closure (even if its brutal) rather than end it myself / sever ties and forever wonder if there was a chance?

 

BTW, thanks everyone esp OutofMySystem and Burnt....

Edited July 16, 2016 by DazedandConfusedNow

[Outofmysystem]

Burnt, I always found comfort in your story too, and I can empathize with your feelings....although you have been through more than me, I admire your in site, wit and strength...

 

Dazed, 7 years is a long time.....that is a LTR anyway you slice it....what you are getting right now is what I got (similar) 9 months ago from my xMOW....her situation was not a death though (although sorta) she was fired after 6 months at a new job, was aimless for a few months, then got a lower paying job in a field she worked at before but longed to be back in Luxury Retail...once I helped her get the new gig and I started to be on the outs with the same place (we both were going to open a new store and work together again) she became closer to the new boss and crew and cut me out of her life altogether....then I was let go and the rest is history.....

 

In the end, I'm afraid that you are going to have nothing left of the relationship anyway, regardless of your feelings.....I didn't want to let her go either, but she didn't give me a choice......so you can accept the crumbs, maybe she comes around and its a phase?, or most likely, you'll be like most of us (99%) holding on to memories and trying to glue back the pieces......I feel for you sir, I know what you are going through.

Edited July 17, 2016 by Outofmysystem

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm pretty new here, but I do wonder by so many BS come on here to lecture those having an affair.

 

I wonder why people post on open forums and expect not to receive a plethora of responses.

 

This forum is for the people having inquiries regarding their issues. It doesn't limit who can respond in support.

 

Regarding your question, you seem to have lost the bigger picture overall. Which is not surprising and very common with cheaters. Until it blows up in their faces. And given the length of time it will be quite a bit of damage. Your current compartmentalizing won't change that.

 

Yes I appreciate it must have been devastating for you,

 

This is one of the few times I have ever said this on LS, but given your flippancy regarding it all, I don't believe you appreciate or care in the least.

 

but surely you know it doesn't help either of our situations?

 

For the roughly 20% of cheaters that come for support, some of them look at their bigger, longer family implications and at least examine their affairs with a clearer lens. Some decide to end them and be truthful to their spouse. Some have their affairs come out then they freak and try to put their families back together. Sometimes it helps a lot for those that cheat to hear from those that have been cheated on because they, on some level at least, CARE what they are doing to their spouses and families. Your clearly focused on the MOW to the absolute exclusion of all of this, hence you won't answer any related Qs about your family except for the common "it was a dead marriage/for the kids" excuse. Which frankly is probably total bunk.

 

 

I could have easily have not mentioned it being an affair and posted onto another forum on here without the grief!

 

Support isn't always what you want to hear. "Grief" Sheesh.

 

Shouldn't you be on the infidelity forum complaining about your affairs rather than on here?

 

I am long past D Day and have no further complaints regarding it. In fact, I don't have many complaints about my husband now that's he's not spraying his dick around like a firehose. I don't seek support for that any longer and support others on this site. All forums. Threads that interest me. A lot of posters are like that.

 

And really, isn't there a series of behaviours that you should be doing?

 

But anyway,

 

So its either a case of

1 - The death of her father has made her focus on her father and the type of person she wants to be.

- Likely - she once said she wants to be the best "her" she can be. I guess having an affair isn't being the best "her she can be".

 

Possible. I know if I was doing some shameful behaviour and then felt as though my beloved parent had passed on and would have been disappointed.... I would probably take a significant break from it, if not altogether quit.

 

2 - The death of her father has made her closer to her husband who may have been there for her.

- Unlikely, her husband isn't one for emotional support, which is why we became close in the first place.

 

This may or may not be true. Her husband could be a 110% awesome husband and she could still be a cheater. That isn't so uncommon an arrangement. In fact, most often it is the "overbenefitting" spouse that cheats. She may just like the thrill and fantasy of having options. Surely you can appreciate that.

 

3 - She has a new AP

- Possibly. New clothes, hair, going to the gym more. Though she said thats her being the best "her" she can be, she may have found someone. Though why wouldn't she just end things with me and enjoy the AP. Its not as if I'm her husband and there are any obligations.

 

One word: options. And didn't she tell you that you were over and then have sex with you? So she's trying to say "over" but still has poor boundaries with sex and relationships.

 

Maybe she just has poor impulse control.

 

4 - We're over and dying slowly.

- This actually is equally likely and unlikely. Perhaps there is residual love and obligation after so many years, attraction too hence the sex. However she's always been direct and not one to slowly pull band-aids off so it would be out of character.

 

Relationships are a series of choices between two people, not a living entity unto itself. So if the relationship is "slowly dying" it isn't doing that by itself. Same with the "dead marriage." Perhaps examining the common denominator: you, you can find out if your choices are causing these "dying relationships." Perhaps you are far too self-focused for instance.

 

But there is a part of me that is clinging to the fact that

 

5 - Perhaps she just needs a break / space / less intensity? Just nothing but uncomplicated happiness without the highs (and lows) that an affair brings. Just to rebalance herself.

 

Maybe she's bored with the affair and wants more out of life before she kicks the bucket herself. Maybe she didn't want the future you had planned for her but strung you along. (Ironic)

 

And though its making me miserable and I feel empty and angry, and I know I should take care of myself and end things before I go insane, I'm hoping for (5) until she tells me its over. I don't want to proactively end something based upon an assumed 1-4. But then again, the longer I leave it the more I'm losing myself...and then even if she does return, can I really trust / let her in again. That equally terrifies me!

 

I'm not naive, I know relationships can end, but after 7 years isn't it better to wait it out to get a conclusion / closure (even if its brutal) rather than end it myself / sever ties and forever wonder if there was a chance?

 

BTW, thanks everyone esp OutofMySystem and Burnt....

 

Maybe just don't contact her and see where she takes it. If she wants it, she'll pick it up again. Not overly common among women though. We tend to go there once and be done.

[Lady Hamilton]

I'm pretty new here, but I do wonder by so many BS come on here to lecture those having an affair. Yes I appreciate it must have been devastating for you, but surely you know it doesn't help either of our situations? I could have easily have not mentioned it being an affair and posted onto another forum on here without the grief! Shouldn't you be on the infidelity forum complaining about your affairs rather than on here?

 

For some, it's cathartic. For others, they enjoy the drama is with others as opposed to them. For a few, they feel better about their situation to see a situation they perceive worse. Other times, it's trying to find a way to feel in control. Some want to genuinely help. Some want the satisfaction of seeing vindication in watching a cheater's life implode. A lot oftentimes it's a combination of all the above.

 

Take the advice that applies, discard the rest. While it may be directed to you and seemingly about you, it may have more to do with others than you.

 

As to your situation, I tend to wonder if she's conflict-avoidant and trying to let you down easy in a way least likely to result in her personal life imploding. Ultimately, you can wait as long as you want to find out the scoop, but that's really all you can do. Decide to wait, decide to move on...Either way it's something only cleared up with time.

[DazedandConfusedNow]

 

Take the advice that applies, discard the rest. While it may be directed to you and seemingly about you, it may have more to do with others than you.

 

As to your situation, I tend to wonder if she's conflict-avoidant and trying to let you down easy in a way least likely to result in her personal life imploding. Ultimately, you can wait as long as you want to find out the scoop, but that's really all you can do. Decide to wait, decide to move on...Either way it's something only cleared up with time.

 

Indeed. I suppose I can speculate, overthink, analyse as much as I want still get it wrong. Or right. But at the end of the day its up to me to decide whether I want to wait or move on.

 

DreamingofTigers might be right. Perhaps I need to stop seeing her / having sex with her, but not close the door completely. "Maybe just don't contact her and see where she takes it. If she wants it, she'll pick it up again." At which point I may or may not want to. Either way I need to regain some control in my life!

[Sabella]

Indeed. I suppose I can speculate, overthink, analyse as much as I want still get it wrong. Or right. But at the end of the day its up to me to decide whether I want to wait or move on.

 

DreamingofTigers might be right. Perhaps I need to stop seeing her / having sex with her, but not close the door completely. "Maybe just don't contact her and see where she takes it. If she wants it, she'll pick it up again." At which point I may or may not want to. Either way I need to regain some control in my life!

 

I think you have the right mind set of where to go from here, armed with the knowledge that all you can control, is how you react now. It's always easier said than done to step back, and it's not an easy thing. However, sometimes this is the only way to get a little clarity on the situation and to gain some control for yourself. So much of an A in the beginning is driven by obssession, need and strong desire. It's a strong and undeniable, emotional high, but often rational thought seems to slip into the background.

 

Give yourself some space and take note of what happens. The whole time you will prpbably be hoping she will contact you probably, but with a little time some of the fog will lift and you can make some decisions. For me, it was simply easier to say "it's done" and start NC. I know that's not the answer for everyone though. Good luck with your decisions and keep posting.

Edited July 17, 2016 by Sabella

[DazedandConfusedNow]

I think you have the right mind set of where to go from here, armed with the knowledge that all you can control, is how you react now. It's always easier said than done to step back, and it's not an easy thing. However, sometimes this is the only way to get a little clarity on the situation and to gain some control for yourself. So much of an A in the beginning is driven by obssession, need and strong desire. It's a strong and undeniable, emotional high, but often rational thought seems to slip into the background.

 

Give yourself some space and take note of what happens. The whole time you will prpbably be hoping she will contact you probably, but with a little time some of the fog will lift and you can make some decisions. For me, it was simply easier to say "it's done" and start NC. I know that's not the answer for everyone though. Good luck with your decisions and keep posting.

 

Whats kinda funny is as a person I'm incredibly rational and pragmatic in every other aspect of my life. If it were any other person I would have said "I'm done" a long time ago, yet for some reason she's my kryptonite / drug etc and the only person I've ever compromised so much of myself for.I suppose thats what makes ending it even harder - not only because I've given so much of myself to her, but also because I like who I am when I'm with her.

 

But yes. Am giving her space and yes, am hoping she contacts me. But trying to enjoy my days even if she doesn't.

[Lobe]

Whats kinda funny is as a person I'm incredibly rational and pragmatic in every other aspect of my life.

 

You might find this an interesting read: affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/31-reasons-to-stop-affair-part-one

[BuddyX]

Yeah, and OJ was a great running back.

People wount remember you as a good father or husband, you'll be remembered as the one involved with the MOW.

[Sabella]

Whats kinda funny is as a person I'm incredibly rational and pragmatic in every other aspect of my life. If it were any other person I would have said "I'm done" a long time ago, yet for some reason she's my kryptonite / drug etc and the only person I've ever compromised so much of myself for.I suppose thats what makes ending it even harder - not only because I've given so much of myself to her, but also because I like who I am when I'm with her.

 

But yes. Am giving her space and yes, am hoping she contacts me. But trying to enjoy my days even if she doesn't.

 

I could have said the exact same thing about myself. I think a lot of people here could. That's telling in itself, about what a mind F affairs are all around.

[DazedandConfusedNow]

Hello all! So its been a month since I last wrong, when I said I wouldn't contact her however wouldn't close the door completely in order to see how things progressed.

 

Soon after I last wrote she got back in touch, her daughter was ill and she was anxious, needing reassurance. I (obviously) was there for her - meeting almost every day and hours of conversation until the all-clear. It felt good to be wanted again, for more than sex I mean.

 

We talked a lot, about us too. She said she felt numb inside since her father's death and was finding it difficult to be close to anyone, her family included. She swore there was nobody else. I'm not sure if I believe her, though that could simply be my paranoia talking.

 

However the last fortnight she grew distant again. Not wanting to meet, talk. Reverting back to how I described her before.

 

Ironically my father had a heartattack this week. I haven't asked for a single thing from her for months, however asked to see her. I needed my friend. She refused. I asked to speak to her. She refused. So I messaged her with the news. She was angry that I messaged as she was with her family, calling me pathetic and telling me that everybody has problems and that she doesn't have time for my misery.

 

It was at that point I replied saying I've had enough and blocked / deleted her. The first time I've done so.

 

I don't recognise her anymore. But after months of this insanity I don't care anymore. I've had enough.

[privategal]

My friend...we are all adults.

Unless you've bee caught up in this tangled Web you'd NEVER understand the HELL it is to have found love outside your marriage.

Regardless of right or wrong her way of ending it, without regard or respect to feelings right or wrong regardless of the judgement here of what kind of father or husband you were in the eyes of the Internet, what you went through was real, hard, scary, enthralling, and ended due to her father's death and no closure.

The whole point is you didn't have a closure and a respectful end despite the fact you both risked and compromised so much, you got no goodbye, no logic, no apology, no final talk, and then when the tables were turned you got kicked in the face.

That hurts. I'm sorry. It's not about morality right now, it isn't that it doesn't matter, it's that people believe in the AP and what they share whole heartedly.

It SUCKS.

I'd solidify an amicable divorce and do your best Co parenting and no longer suffer the prolonging of a failed marriage. It happens.

Your life can still be okay and you and your wife can heal and go on to Maybe be friends.

Your XAP, forget and start healing. She is selfish, and I'm glad you saw the light. Focus on what you can heal and deal with which is the marriage you and your wife both know is over. End it now and you can both begin again and you can heal and start fresh. Deep breath it's OK. Time will heal.

[lemondrop21]

Hello all! So its been a month since I last wrong, when I said I wouldn't contact her however wouldn't close the door completely in order to see how things progressed.

 

Soon after I last wrote she got back in touch, her daughter was ill and she was anxious, needing reassurance. I (obviously) was there for her - meeting almost every day and hours of conversation until the all-clear. It felt good to be wanted again, for more than sex I mean.

 

We talked a lot, about us too. She said she felt numb inside since her father's death and was finding it difficult to be close to anyone, her family included. She swore there was nobody else. I'm not sure if I believe her, though that could simply be my paranoia talking.

 

However the last fortnight she grew distant again. Not wanting to meet, talk. Reverting back to how I described her before.

 

Ironically my father had a heartattack this week. I haven't asked for a single thing from her for months, however asked to see her. I needed my friend. She refused. I asked to speak to her. She refused. So I messaged her with the news. She was angry that I messaged as she was with her family, calling me pathetic and telling me that everybody has problems and that she doesn't have time for my misery.

 

It was at that point I replied saying I've had enough and blocked / deleted her. The first time I've done so.

 

I don't recognise her anymore. But after months of this insanity I don't care anymore. I've had enough.

 

Your situation is complex to say the least and you aren't blameless - none of us here are - but I felt so bad for you in this situation. You comforted her for a month, then she turned her back on you and you got nothing in your time of need. Ouch. I agree with others that sorting out your marriage is important. Your wife deserves that respect. But yeah, this stuff HURTS.

 

I know this kind of pain. The night I found out my mom has terminal cancer I phoned xMM, he had me call him back later, after he was home from drinking and watching sports with the guys. I went to his house and he offered for me to stay the night, initiated sex with me, then would not touch me afterward, the rest of the night. The next evening I went over again, before I was scheduled to fly out, he held me on the couch and then I leaned in for a kiss and he actually GOT ANGRY at me. So, the previous night sex was fine, until afterward, then less than 24 hours later, cuddling is allowed but no kissing. What an incredible mind f***. The only thing that kept me from completely losing it was that I needed to hold it together for my mom and had way more concern for her than that a**.

 

I share this because I get it... The pain of having someone act so utterly heartless when you are in bad pain is incredibly devastating. And disturbing. I'm sorry you're going through that.

[lemondrop21]

Ten characters

Edited August 20, 2016 by lemondrop21
Accidentally posted same thing twice

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

Ironically my father had a heartattack this week. I haven't asked for a single thing from her for months, however asked to see her. I needed my friend. She refused. I asked to speak to her. She refused. So I messaged her with the news. She was angry that I messaged as she was with her family, calling me pathetic and telling me that everybody has problems and that she doesn't have time for my misery.

.

 

I don't know your story. But the bolded part says it all. I don't think a stranger on the street would say that to you. I hope you know that is just horrible. I am sorry for your father and I encourage you to go NC on her and move on. No one needs that.

[DazedandConfusedNow]

My friend...we are all adults.

Unless you've bee caught up in this tangled Web you'd NEVER understand the HELL it is to have found love outside your marriage.

Regardless of right or wrong her way of ending it, without regard or respect to feelings right or wrong regardless of the judgement here of what kind of father or husband you were in the eyes of the Internet, what you went through was real, hard, scary, enthralling, and ended due to her father's death and no closure.

The whole point is you didn't have a closure and a respectful end despite the fact you both risked and compromised so much, you got no goodbye, no logic, no apology, no final talk, and then when the tables were turned you got kicked in the face.

That hurts. I'm sorry. It's not about morality right now, it isn't that it doesn't matter, it's that people believe in the AP and what they share whole heartedly.

It SUCKS.

 

What you wrote clearly sums up what I'm feeling. A mix of anger and overwhelming sadness to how this has ended. Though we talked about sharing a "proper" future together there was also a part of me that knew we might also end; I just imagined if that happened it would be a bittersweet tender farewell, parting with love, respect, closure for both of us.

 

Going from such openness and closeness, to distance, to indifference, to what felt like disgust in such a short time just SUCKS! and makes me question whether I ever knew her these last 8 years, or whether I simply saw / felt what I wanted to. I certainly don't recognise her now. Ironically she's become everything she told me she hated when first met. Cruel, callous etc.

 

As painful as it is to accept I have lost my best friend, my lover, the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I need to get on with my life.

[elaine567]

As painful as it is to accept I have lost my best friend, my lover, the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I need to get on with my life.

 

Read the posts from the countless OWs on here that get involved with the archetypal MM.

The one that is "besotted", the one that future fakes, the one that promises so much, the one with the dreadful marriage that he will leave as soon as the situation is just right, and the one that when the chips are down - can't, won't, doesn't want to leave his wife.

 

Unfortunately you have just run into the female equivalent.

 

I know you have put your heart and soul into this woman, but she wasn't worth it, no more than the MM who break the hearts of OWs on here every day are worth it either.

She was not the solution to your perceived problems in your marriage.

 

People in affairs tend to rewrite their marriages to justify the affair, now you know the affair was just a sham and the MW was just using you for a bit of "extra", maybe it is time to take a more honest look at your marriage. Does your wife really only staying for the kids, or was that the way YOU viewed it and you, deep in the affair fog, were projecting YOUR feelings onto her.

Is is marriage salvageable or is it time to go your separate ways?

YOUR kids will know that your marriage is not a good one, you are fooling yourself if you think that staying for the kids is in their best interests, but is it too late to try and rekindle that lost spark?

BUT the love of a good woman is, as you have found, not always to be found on greener fields.

An affair is founded on deceit and betrayal and now it is you who has been betrayed, did you really think a woman who could lie to her husband to his face, would be true to you?

 

She had some fun, she maybe got caught up in the excitement of the moment, but when it came down to the wire, when it was time to sort her life out, (no doubt prompted by the death of her father), she bailed out on you.

As you have found out, she is now done with you.

 

NC is your friend. It would be easy to get sucked in periodically for sex and reminiscing, but that will only complicate your life.

She is doing some big rearranging of her life, maybe it is time you did some of your own.

Edited August 20, 2016 by elaine567
typo

[RegretfulOM]

Dude, just get out of this situation and focus on your wife. Cherish her, before its too late. It is too late for me. I just went through being jerked around by a MOW. It put things into perspective. I realized that for most of my life I have been using people. It doesn't feel so good when you are the one being used. But....you can still change things. All this talk of dead marriages. Looking back mine was never dead, I just stopped focusing on it so I could chase tail. Don't end up like me.

[sandylee1]

Well what a cold hearted Bi**h she was to you about your father. I guess that tells you all you need to know about her.

 

Of all the single women out there, you do not need to be the 'other' to a married woman.

[DazedandConfusedNow]

What is wrong with me? Three days ago there was anger - at her for her coldhearted behaviour, at myself for wasting my time. Glad I had blocked her and ready to begin my life without her. Life felt simpler, cleaner. Out with friends and family last night, genuinely enjoying everyone's company, knowing that even if nothing changed I would be happy.

 

But waking up this morning craving her. Unable to think about anything else, whilst getting ready, commuting to work, in my client meeting. Trying to recall the rage I felt three days ago and the happiness from last night, but her not leaving my mind. Logging onto Facebook (we're not friends) just to see her profile picture, missing her more. Ready to unblock her, message her, not caring what she might say, happy for crumbs however small.

 

Coming on here instead. Writing to you all. Wondering if this is what life is going to be like. Sudden onset craving that leave my broken and ready to jump back in. Wondering how many days, weeks, months, years it'll take to be free of her. Knowing with certainty that if she contacted me right now I'd take her back.

 

Hating myself for being this weak.

 

What is wrong with me?

[dreamingoftigers]

What is wrong with me? Three days ago there was anger - at her for her coldhearted behaviour, at myself for wasting my time. Glad I had blocked her and ready to begin my life without her. Life felt simpler, cleaner. Out with friends and family last night, genuinely enjoying everyone's company, knowing that even if nothing changed I would be happy.

 

But waking up this morning craving her. Unable to think about anything else, whilst getting ready, commuting to work, in my client meeting. Trying to recall the rage I felt three days ago and the happiness from last night, but her not leaving my mind. Logging onto Facebook (we're not friends) just to see her profile picture, missing her more. Ready to unblock her, message her, not caring what she might say, happy for crumbs however small.

 

Coming on here instead. Writing to you all. Wondering if this is what life is going to be like. Sudden onset craving that leave my broken and ready to jump back in. Wondering how many days, weeks, months, years it'll take to be free of her. Knowing with certainty that if she contacted me right now I'd take her back.

 

Hating myself for being this weak.

 

What is wrong with me?

 

This is what happens to Betrayed Spouses too.

 

It's pretty traumatic and confusing, especially when you get played and rejected over and over.

 

I think it has something to do with your partners affections kind of being a "random reward system."

 

At first it's easy to get hooked, then over time they become more rejecting and each time you go on the approach a mixture of hope and adrenaline gives you a thrill etc because you are so attached.

 

Then you feel in the bottom of a pit when they kick you down.

[lemondrop21]

What is wrong with me? Three days ago there was anger - at her for her coldhearted behaviour, at myself for wasting my time. Glad I had blocked her and ready to begin my life without her. Life felt simpler, cleaner. Out with friends and family last night, genuinely enjoying everyone's company, knowing that even if nothing changed I would be happy.

 

But waking up this morning craving her. Unable to think about anything else, whilst getting ready, commuting to work, in my client meeting. Trying to recall the rage I felt three days ago and the happiness from last night, but her not leaving my mind. Logging onto Facebook (we're not friends) just to see her profile picture, missing her more. Ready to unblock her, message her, not caring what she might say, happy for crumbs however small.

 

Coming on here instead. Writing to you all. Wondering if this is what life is going to be like. Sudden onset craving that leave my broken and ready to jump back in. Wondering how many days, weeks, months, years it'll take to be free of her. Knowing with certainty that if she contacted me right now I'd take her back.

 

Hating myself for being this weak.

 

What is wrong with me?

 

It's normal. These feelings cycle in and out. And as long as you maintain any semblance of an A (even saying hi or being "friends" or whatever) you will still get those feelings, at least to some degree. The crappy thing is that even in NC it takes a good long while for those feelings to die down.

 

I have a bit of an odd book recommendation for you - "Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" by Natalie Lue. It's written for a female audience because society conditions men to play the emotionally unavailable role more often (also, men don't buy self help books much lol). But so much of what she writes about applies exactly to your xMW. The push pull, blowing hot and cold, the way the drama feels, and so on. It's really fascinating to read and it helps you detach a bit from your emotions when you recognize them so clearly as the result of a warped pattern of behavior.

 

It's also interesting in that it makes you recognize that you may have some patterns of "unavailability" yourself. In the course of the A, you learn to play the game and so you yourself do the push pull thing (just maybe not as hard as they do).

 

Good luck friend and you're not a weak person, you've just been played hard by someone who may not be "evil" but who has some serious issues and unfortunately you were the collateral damage.

[lemondrop21]

This is what happens to Betrayed Spouses too.

 

It's pretty traumatic and confusing, especially when you get played and rejected over and over.

 

I think it has something to do with your partners affections kind of being a "random reward system."

 

At first it's easy to get hooked, then over time they become more rejecting and each time you go on the approach a mixture of hope and adrenaline gives you a thrill etc because you are so attached.

 

Then you feel in the bottom of a pit when they kick you down.

 

It really makes me cringe to think that my xMM's BW probably went through all this same crap during the A, and probably still does. It's not like he's sorted out his issues or anything. May even be worse for her now because during the A, he had to be nicer at least some of the time to assuage his guilt (that's my guess anyway) and now that he's "being good" (his words) I bet she gets jerked around massively and treated like garbage.

 

In fact I wonder if it's a longer term behavior pattern with him and if their entire marriage was like that. What a horrifying thought.

[NTV]

Advice required regarding my MOW's behaviour, and what I should do next..QUOTE]

 

 

 

You should dump her, and come clean to your wife before she finds out on her own. You should model the honest, earnest, loyal, loving behavior you think your children should exhibit as adults in your own marriage.... at least that's what I think you should do next. But who am I? Just some stranger on the internet.

[Bufo]

To paraphrase the well-respected San Francisco philosopher, Harry Callahan,

 

 

You've got to ask yourself a question. Do you want a girlfriend or a project?

 

Right now she seems more like a project you are trying to rehabilitate into the OW you had. While you have a whole family of your own completely separated from OW. You simply don't have the time or ability to do so.

 

Take advantage of the situation to detach. You know the big breakup is coming. Detach now for less pain later.