Author cagedunicorn Posted July 26, 2016 Author Share Posted July 26, 2016 I am sad to say yes.. we have been together since I was 14 years old and this has been an issue since about a year or two after we started dating We went to counseling last weekend and made an agreement to go every weekend however when it came time for the next appointment it wasn't mentioned or anything it's like it never happened Link to post Share on other sites
Author cagedunicorn Posted July 26, 2016 Author Share Posted July 26, 2016 No I am not physically violent during arguments even when I am being hit on it is very rare that I even put up a fight out of fear that it'll just egg him on even more At most I will push yell and try and stay behind a locked door Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 Alright - first, big picture issues. This relationship is a DISASTER. You were CHILDREN when you got together, and have never had a chance to form as adults without your co-dependency. "Teen loves" very very rarely work out. Most humans change immensely from the time they are 15 to 25. Arguments? VIOLENCE? POLICE?!?!?! Not an environment to raise a child in. Not a way to live, not for you, not for him. This is no way to live. Your home should be your sanctuary. Your partner should be your rock. Not the source of conflict, to the point of needing the authorities! If this has been an issue for 10 of your 12 years together, no amount of weekly counseling sessions is going to fix it. You are young, salvage the rest of your life! Right now its going down the drain. I can tell you my spouse and I have had some ups and downs - but have never argued like you describe, and NEVER to the point that even the neighbors could hear, let alone needing the cops. That is simply not acceptable. Now - to the petty stuff like the left overs. Each household has their own routine - in mine, despite working more hours etc than he does - I manage the kitchen, I am better at it. That means I plan the weekly meals. I buy the food, in appropriate quantities for each meal. I keep track of the left overs - and yep, incorporated them into other meals - part of the "plan" (Monday's left over chicken will be used in Wednesday's soup - etc). I don't expect him to look in the frig and give me an inventory - its part of my "managing the kitchen". I plan and cook dinner every night. If I see left overs that need to be used, I will use them before cooking more fresh food. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 No I am not physically violent during arguments even when I am being hit on it is very rare that I even put up a fight out of fear that it'll just egg him on even more At most I will push yell and try and stay behind a locked door So basically you are being physically abused and you are married to an abuser. I don't want to come down hard on you because you have been with him since you were very young and you haven't experienced better but please consider that your children deserve better. You said earlier that you don't want your kids not to have their dad but do you really believe it's okay to raise them in a home where physical abuse is present and to have an abusive father as an example? Do you want them to be abused in their future relationships or to grow up and be abusers themselves? Please leave and save your children. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 No I am not physically violent during arguments even when I am being hit on it is very rare that I even put up a fight out of fear that it'll just egg him on even more At most I will push yell and try and stay behind a locked door Does he hit you? You don't deserve that under any conditions. Is here a local women's shelter?...you can get help there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cagedunicorn Posted July 27, 2016 Author Share Posted July 27, 2016 Wow first off that is an amazing routine and some great advice Thank you very much Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 Wow first off that is an amazing routine and some great advice Thank you very much So after all the heartfelt posts you have received the only message you took on board is meal planning? You think that is your problem? You think your marital woes are seriously about leftovers? If you continue to expose your children to this toxic abusive relationship then you are as guilty as your husband when it comes to damaging your kids. You don't need advice on how to better deal with leftovers, you need help on getting yourself and your children out of an abusive environment. Call a women's shelter if you can. Tell them what has been going on and hopefully they can better explain to you how you are damaging yourself and your children by this relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 Sometimes things will need to get worse before getting better. FWIW I was in a marriage that sounds similar but never got to the point of calling the cops (though I thought about it a few times but was afraid of retaliation). I did start sleeping in a locked room though so I can relate. I took my wedding vows very seriously and didn't just want to bolt and file for divorce. Marriage counselling in that type of relationship was not advised and my ex used it to just mess more and more with my head. It was hard for me to see how messed up my marriage was and how my ex was abusive and messed with my head but eventually it escalated to the point I came down with great anxiety. The behavior I experienced was so bad I couldn't sit back and do nothing. It's not completely my ex's fault as I also contributed to the dynamic and it was a very codependent, unhealthy dynamic. I felt really bad about breaking apart my family and not seeing my kid every day but I know this was much better for children in the long run. I have realized it's not normal and looking back I am so much happier, stronger, and a better person that I would have even been if I had stayed in my marriage. I realized I needed to just leave. My ex was very upset initially but having that distance helped me see what was so bad about the situation for me and my family. In my case my ex did eventually apologize to me but I've met a number of women in my same situation who continue to co-parent with toxic exes so I would not choose leaving or separation for the idea of getting him to realize and fix things. Sometimes that's enough to get someone to make the changes and sometimes it's not. You need to figure out what is best for you and the kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cagedunicorn Posted July 27, 2016 Author Share Posted July 27, 2016 No not at all I started posting because I am often confused as to what I am doing wrong or if I am doing wrong at all or wrong enough to deserve this type of treatment and I take very response seriously and I see every logical point. Reading about the meal planning just took me back to the "maybe if I tried this he wouldn't be so angry" I've just been in the habit of questioning my intentions, actions and flaws for a while Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 No not at all I started posting because I am often confused as to what I am doing wrong or if I am doing wrong at all or wrong enough to deserve this type of treatment IMO no one deserves that type of treatment. Disagreements don't need to turn into WW3. They can be respectful. I did the same when I was married. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and was trying to see XH's side. I started walking on eggshells not to upset him but he just moved onto other things that hurt me. What I eventually realized was that our relationship was codependent. I also learned about boundaries and how I need to figure out what I will put up with and enforce that with consequences. Two books that really helped me see the dynamic were 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. The other was 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans. I purchased them on Amazon and downloaded them to my work computer so that XH didn't find them. A lot of people I know in similar relationships also liked 'Codependent No More' but that one didn't speak to me. I also found the blog Baggage Reclaim very helpful and her book called Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl'. I especially think you should look up her articles about pull/pull, boundaries, choppers, and a**clowns. Link to post Share on other sites
musbadr Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 Hello, I had the same problem. I read a lot over it. I think, it is communication problem. Christian Counselor Jacksonville, Florida | Life Renewal Inc. WebMD - Better information. Better health. Home - Save The Family Link to post Share on other sites
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