Feel that guilty I feel sick and can't eat ***Updated***

[Zahara]

The faster you hit bottom, the sooner you can start swimming back up.

 

Best advice I got was to swim your way to the bottom don't just float. Through the denial, bargaining, and anger. Feel all of them in their raw intensity. Own them. When it really sinks in that you're at the bottom you'll know.

 

Push off the bottom and swim towards the light. Don't get stuck bobbing around for someone to pull you out. Only you can.

 

One of the first things my therapist said to me on my first visit. Let those emotions come, and just like waves, they'll go. You have to feel them and let them wash all over you. Don't fight it, just know that it's all part and parcel of the process. Embrace it.

[Pud]

Thanks the pair of you thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

I txt her today.... I know I shouldn't of but I did. I just said 'I miss you x' she replied saying 'I miss you too' then another 'but I can't do this I'm sorry but I won't lie to you I'm dying inside'

I asked if we could go for a drink and she replied with a long message saying basically it's not a good idea.

 

So I rang her... We spoke for just over an hour, she too is at rock bottom, she just passed her nursing degree and just been offered a job at her local hospital but she feels so lost, empty and lonely but should be the happiest time of her life.

 

We spoke about alot of stuff just catching up and was really good to hear her voice like really good. But the past 3 months has been so hard for her she can't risk that happening again, she said I've got to stop taking the blaim for everything and it was both of us that didn't work. As much as she kept saying that I want really listening because I know it was me, I knocked her back when she gave me love and affection, I never did what she wanted it had to be my way or no way... I'm the bad guy!

 

She then went on to say how she feels it was mainly her fault of how she gets in a relationship, she gets obsessive, needy and craves love. She said she did it in her last Relationship aswell.

 

It's just so hard knowing that she's in the very same boat as me and there's nothing I can do.

 

She said she would love to be friends, she had a few bad days at the hospital and needed to talk and she nearly rang me but didn't because it wouldn't be fair on me and how I am at the moment.

 

I would love to be friends but I'd be hanging on every txt message, waiting for a reply constantly and I would never get over her.

 

You 2 are probably right, it maybe just be me being lonely and giving myself a hard time but what ever it is it hurts like hell!

[Zahara]

I would caution you to try and rekindle at this point because most times people are driven by their negative feelings after an ending using reconciliation as a bandaid.

 

You also don't want to rope someone back in only to revisit those same reasons as to why you wanted to end it.

 

That is why it is best to NC and try to give each other space and time to remove oneself from the emotional fog. When you're able to see it all with clarity and decide if the relationship was as valuable as you thought it was. If you both still feel it is, then go from there, but not now.

 

Stay NC. You can't be friends. Give yourselves time to heal. You never want to go back to a relationship for all the wrong reasons.

[Pud]

Thank you Zahara, your right I will stay NC from now on. It's hard as I know she's got graduation ball soon and graduation day.... It's getting over the fact that I'm not part of her journey any more.

 

Your right, fog needs to clear. I know her and I know when she's got something in her head it's engraved in there. She won't want to go through this again and neither do I to be honest.

 

It is such a lonely world sometimes.

 

Thank you once again

[RocketQueen]

About 3 months post break up of a 5 year serious relationship.

 

Admittedly we didn't get on that well in the last 2 years and I didn't think much of her when we was together, we argued a lot but I feel that was my fault for not trying, she gave me every ounce of love she had and I just rejected it, she gave me so much love and reassurance and made me feel like a king but I took her for granted and just assumed she'd always be there.

 

I can't stop thinking about her, I go to sleep thinking of her I wake up in the night thinking of her then can't sleep, I wake up before my alarm thinking of her.

 

I honestly have never met anyone so thoughtful, caring and selfless in all my life and I've lost her.

 

My friends say it's just mind games and to think of the bad times but all I think about is how badly I treated her and how guilty I feel.

 

I miss her so much and I'd feel like I'd move heaven and earth to to get back with her.

 

Last week I made contact an she basically shot me down and I was truly gutted and nearly sick.

 

This pain and the thoughts just won't go away and I don't know what to do.....

 

Break ups are awful on both parties. It is the biggest mindf*ck you will ever encounter. It rips off our masks like a band-aid and uncovers things about us that we never knew existed and it's not always nice or easy to deal with.

 

I am going to come in from another angle than the previous posters. No contact is hard.

 

You have to remember this is what you wanted. You wanted out of your relationship with this woman- you already knew her good qualities but decided they were no longer what you wanted and it wasn't working- that is completely fine and you did the right thing for you- and her by ending it.

 

I suspect my Ex is going through the same battles as you. We too were in a relationship for 5 years and he has been coming in and out of my life since we split 18 MONTHS ago. I admit he can only have done that because I let him but I loved him and thought we were worth another try.

 

And more times than I dare admit (out of sheer embarrassment) I have believed his words-at times mirroring the very things you have listed on here about how caring and giving your Ex is etc etc

 

I started NC because I decided I deserved better. Having nobody is better than someone who can't decide whether you're actually worth their effort time and time again- because you WILL doubt yourself and her again should the opportunity to try again arise.

 

Do yourself and her a favour and see this through to the end. Stand by the decision you made 3 months ago and make it count for both of you.

 

Work on the issues you had within the relationship so it doesn't rear its head in any future ones. Let this be a painful lesson that ends up worth the heartache and loneliness you're feeling now.

 

Believe you will find love eventually and that it will be better than you ever imagined. We all deserve that

 

But please, if you really do have the amount of love you say you have for this girl- leave her alone.

 

I wish you nothing but happiness xxxx

[Zahara]

It is such a lonely world sometimes.

 

It's because you're feeling depressed and you're not in a good state of mind. You'll start to see things differently as you start getting emotionally stronger and in time begin to have a positive and happy outlook on life.

[Pud]

Yeah I know I should leave her alone and I will from now on.

 

I've got an oppoitment on Friday to see a therapist because I have issues when I'm in a relationship and this is the 2nd time I've done the very same thing.

 

I couldn't see it but twice in 9 years I now see things I've never seen before.

 

This will never happen again, I'm going to learn to love in a relationship not take for granted, not get complacent and give it everything.

 

I'm my own worst enemy and I'm paying the price now!

 

As much as I obsess in my head from when I wake up till I go sleep (what's she doing, who's she with, is she thinking of me) I won't contact her again. It's not fair on her and I get that now

[RocketQueen]

Yeah I know I should leave her alone and I will from now on.

 

I've got an oppoitment on Friday to see a therapist because I have issues when I'm in a relationship and this is the 2nd time I've done the very same thing.

 

I couldn't see it but twice in 9 years I now see things I've never seen before.

 

This will never happen again, I'm going to learn to love in a relationship not take for granted, not get complacent and give it everything.

 

I'm my own worst enemy and I'm paying the price now!

 

As much as I obsess in my head from when I wake up till I go sleep (what's she doing, who's she with, is she thinking of me) I won't contact her again. It's not fair on her and I get that now

 

I hope my post didn't seem harsh, I think you did the right thing by ending it. You had the foresight, honesty and courage to see something wasn't working. It is just a shame our minds or hearts play games with us and make us doubt our decisions.

 

It would be lovely to be able to erase our thoughts at times.

 

You sound like a great guy who did a difficult thing and emotions are bound to run high.

 

My ex now seems to be having doubts too but the time apart is giving me clarity.

 

I myself am going through talking therapy and am finding it more insightful than I would ever have imagined.

 

I'm sorry youre going through such a hard time. Hang in there, I've been told it gets better

[Pud]

I can't stop feeling guilty for how I was in the relationship, 2 years a go the mother of my son decided to marry an American in the RAF and plan to move to Japan.

 

This was a very difficult time as my ex was studying to be a nurse but she did loads of research write loads of stuff down we got a solicitor and she stud by my like glue and was my rock. I never thanked her for doing everything she did for me during that time, I came across aload of paper work this morning and it actually sank how much she did threw that time as well as her exams and placement.

 

I made her life hell threw her nursing degree and didn't appreciate what she did for me one bit. The last 3 months for her have been hell, her mum said she nearly had a break down but managed to complete her uni work and she passed.

 

Again I come across some of her uni work and there's pages and pages and pages of what she had to learn and the stuff she wrote, at the time I had no idea what she was going threw, how much pressure she was under and what she was doing because I was so self obsessed of me and what I wanted to do.

 

I feel so bad so ill to the pit of my stomach of how guilty I feel, I used to get angry at her for being depressed because I never understood it. I used to shout at her and take everything out in her. And she still stood by me.

 

She was so good to me for 5 years and I never once told her how lucky I was and how much I appreciate it.

 

I feel like a worthless human being and the worst boyfriend any could have!

 

So angry at my self

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

I am at the same place right now like you and I feel guilty and a bad partner all around. I loved my girl with all my heart yet emotions took over and I probably hurt her bad I hope she recovers quickly not like me but you are a different case.

 

You are obviously older than me and seeing how you talk about her I feel she is really a respectable and loving person. Really pure that takes bad stuff and turns them into a positive. Listen I would if you cant call her at least email/Fb/text her how you feel. Explain that you are sorry that you made her feel that way. That you appreciate everything she did for you. I constantly feel ( and I'll probably feel like that for the rest of my life) that regardless of how other people view break ups that you don't have to contact each other or say something that is in the past etc. it's NEVER to late to apologize! Forget songs forget poems that it's too late. I believe it if it is excruciating for you to cope with how you made her feel apologize. Tell her your feelings. She may pass your apology like nothing but I believe its not just about emotions and being with someone but providing "medicine" for your and theirs soul! At the end we are still some blood,flesh and bones rattling around what makes us tick is the soul! So if that will heal you both do it. It may not mean you will get together and live happily ever after but saying that you are sorry while meaning it from the bottom of your heart I believe should ALWAYS be accepted. The person may respond like they do not give a rat's a** about your apology or say it's too late ( ugh the drama ) but even if they don't realize it deep within them they feel soothing that you apologized. That's how I feel and no matter what my parents, friends, the world thinks I KNOW this is right!

[Pud]

I understand what your saying and thanks for your advice but I'm not going to contact her, it hurts us both to much when I've contacted in the last couple of weeks and I don't think it's a good idea.

 

Thanks tho

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

Normally no its not a good idea to just bring something painful up but in your case you are being tortured for what you did so you can allow yourself that.

 

If you can cope with it then yes you can just leave it. Whatever you decide understand your mistakes but don't dwell on them it will only destroy you.

 

Good luck!

[bummer]

Keep swimming down, Pud.

 

Feel it all at your core and vent your anger. Pillows, the gym, stand up a mattress. what did she do to precipitate the end? It's two way always.

[Pud]

It's been over 3 months now and I still can't get her out my head, I know she finishes her placement tomorrow and she will become a fully qualified nurse.

 

I know she'll be all excited, she'll be out celebrating and she has a hole career to look forward too and I'm just not part of that journey anymore and it hurts... A lot.

 

The last 4yesrs of moving city's, moving away from my son (only an hour) and the stress an difficulties to get to where she is today and I don't get to share any of it with her.

 

I can't shift the thoughts, the thoughts of jelousy and that pain of missing her, I used to like it when she got all excited and I know how she'll be tomorrow all dancy and jumpy and happy, and I'll be sat in my van at work with a pain in my stomach that stops me from eating and I'll be holding back the tears.

 

I can't think of the future, I can't plan anything and have nothing to look forward too.

We both moved in with my parents to save to buy a house and I'm now stuck there on my own at the age of 33. I can't imagine buying/renting a house with out her I'd be so lonely and it would be so depressing.

 

I made list of the bad things about our relationship but when I look at it it all seems so trivial and means nothing because I miss her so much.

 

I just don't know how to move on from this and look to the future anymore

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

Hey Pud I remember your case but I guess you guys ended it when we did with my ex so we are coping at the same pace

 

I myself find the future to be very gloomy but that's a negative thinking.

 

Reading your current post all I see is her, her, her. What she'll do, how she'll react, how she'll feel... what about you, you, you?

 

Can't you focus on how you will feel? Nobody in life is worth destroying yourself over. You are more important so whenever you have a bad thought about it say to yourself "No! I refuse to feel bad." Sometimes saying it out loud helps me. Today I told myself that I won't cry! So I stopped.

 

If you force yourself doing things regardless if you continue doing so later in the day you still are trying to make progress. Next time it will be easier!

 

EDIT: Trust me when I tell you I know what you are going through. The house, the plans for the future, the future itself it's all irrelevant and utterly trivial when you can't do it with your loved one. But it feels like that NOW! In time it will feel important again!

Edited July 11, 2016 by Heart..PLS STAHP

[keiji]

It's been over 3 months now and I still can't get her out my head, I know she finishes her placement tomorrow and she will become a fully qualified nurse.

 

I know she'll be all excited, she'll be out celebrating and she has a hole career to look forward too and I'm just not part of that journey anymore and it hurts... A lot.

 

The last 4yesrs of moving city's, moving away from my son (only an hour) and the stress an difficulties to get to where she is today and I don't get to share any of it with her.

 

I can't shift the thoughts, the thoughts of jelousy and that pain of missing her, I used to like it when she got all excited and I know how she'll be tomorrow all dancy and jumpy and happy, and I'll be sat in my van at work with a pain in my stomach that stops me from eating and I'll be holding back the tears.

 

I can't think of the future, I can't plan anything and have nothing to look forward too.

We both moved in with my parents to save to buy a house and I'm now stuck there on my own at the age of 33. I can't imagine buying/renting a house with out her I'd be so lonely and it would be so depressing.

 

I made list of the bad things about our relationship but when I look at it it all seems so trivial and means nothing because I miss her so much.

 

I just don't know how to move on from this and look to the future anymore

 

Three months is just too early to be OK. What you're feeling is completely normal. Last winter I was feeling just like you, thinking that relationships were pointless and a source of pain, unable to eat, unwilling to do anything other than sitting on the couch looking at the wall... I'm an entirely different person now, but it takes work and effort. You should be pro-active instead of waiting for the storm to pass. It's not good for you to deny your feelings, however painful they are, but don't let them take hold of your entire life.

 

You say you can't plan anything, but perhaps it's about time you force yourself to do so. Maybe book a little trip, buy new clothes, records, books, a cheap motorcycle, join a club...? I know I have taken a lot of pleasure in treating myself like royalty whenever I can afford it. If everything is worthless to you right now, put in front of you those things that deep down you know you'll treasure when you're fine or that you treasured when you were fine back in the day. Sooner or later the excitement will resurface, but you need to create opportunities. They won't come knocking on your door.

 

As to living on your own, why not?? It's a very enriching experience. Since my ex-wife left me five years ago I've been living on my own. It was hard at first, because it wasn't my choice and it had been 9 years together, but then I found myself a super nice flat where I feel comfortable, I made a home of it and loneliness is definitely not on my list of worries. Actually, my latest ex-girlfriend asked me to move in together three times and I said no. Once you get used to playing music loud as hell, coming home totally wasted with no need to hide it or having dinner at 11pm, you become a bit territorial

 

Now roll up your sleeves and look for something that may bring just a modicum of excitement. Once you start moving forward, nothing will stop you!

[Pud]

Thanks for the reply's,

 

I'm struggling today, today is a bad bad day. Some people say it's my ego that's bruised that's why I get so jelous about her with other men as when we was together I didn't find her attractive anymore.

 

It maybe I want what I can't have but my god these feelings and thoughts running through my head are so intense and I can't shift the imagies!

 

Feel so sad and lonely today....

 

Hate myself, I'm not funny anymore I'm a wet lettuce when out with my Friends and just not good company.

 

I don't blaim her for not wanting me back I'm so up tight an generally just boring.

[bummer]

Hate myself, I'm not funny anymore I'm a wet lettuce when out with my Friends...

 

I laughed. That's funny.

 

Try some antacids for the knots in your stomach and make sure you're getting exercise. Outdoors preferably. Treat yourself and be positive about you. Remember the future will be filled with someone you are actually attracted to.

[Lilyniamh]

I have to say, I felt the same. Then I took up complete random things! Decided to learn to crochet, have no creative bone in my body at all. Took it up as a challenge, failed miserably, but it gave me something else to do. Decided to clean the whole of my apartment, outside and inside of cupboard doors!! Bought a Fitbit and aimed for 12k steps a day, MAKING myself leave the house to walk. Reading books people have told me to read .... Anything and everything to help ME. I'm not saying I'm anywhere close to feeling like me, I'm still broken, but different things help occupy my mind so I don't feel down all the time.

Good luck, it's hard, but you'll get there!

[hurts2death]

Pud we here all have suffered what you are now going through.

 

we are all ok now so be optimistic about it.

 

once you let go there will be some magical thing that will happen inside you ,

 

for me it awaken creativity it turned me into a "demon" i am reading a book a week dating too many women whatever early twenties hotties up to milfs and skyrocketing my career each time i get better i meet smarter cooler people and it becomes a cycle ....

 

i know how you feel , it is lonely cold and harsh. the only thing that will save you is to let go .

 

take a look at your young age look at that pud as boy and start loving him again because he is special and deserves it.

 

it is out of your power now , i am sorry to say but it never was ,everything that you ever thought you had was only your actions.

 

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

― Marcus Aurelius

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

The gym mate! The gym is the magical place you need right now...

 

I myself started working out since we broke up. Now my body is starting to shape so well I think I'm ready for the summer. Ripped, I have abs (that are already able to be seen not just bellow the fat), chest is enlarging and so does confidence.

 

I am feeling good about myself lately that I'm exercising so much that when I look good on the outside I start feeling good on the inside. Try it out and see what I mean

[Pud]

It would of been my ex's graduation ball last night, a real big deal. She would of booked an hotel because of where it is and I can't get out my head she would of took someone back, I know it's nothing todo with me now but I can shift the thoughts.

 

I was doing really well last week after seeing my therapist got some stuff of my chest and she made me realise that my ex was more comfort for me to help with my anxiety's. And she asked what I missed about her, I could't answer, don't know why just couldn't, we never really did anything together anymore as a couple.

 

I'm so jelous and hate the thought that she's moved on and living her life that we should be living together.

 

Why why why I was doing so well in myself before this weekend!

[NIGHT1985]

I know the feeling. Up until a week ago I've been in on and off contact with my ex. Knowing she's in love with another man and his child just destroys me. Why can't I be happy for her? Why can't I move forward? Why am I constantly wishing she was back with me.....? I know we weren't perfect together, but part of me wishes I could go back and fix my mistakes, maybe I would of been happier if I tried harder, I was definitely a less mature person at the time...

 

But she's gone. She found someone who loves her and treats her right, one day I'll be happy for her and can truly be a supportive friend to her. I just wish I could go back to feeling normal and happy and not feel like I need to depend on her for happiness and my well being

[Pud]

I know the feeling. Up until a week ago I've been in on and off contact with my ex. Knowing she's in love with another man and his child just destroys me. Why can't I be happy for her? Why can't I move forward? Why am I constantly wishing she was back with me.....? I know we weren't perfect together, but part of me wishes I could go back and fix my mistakes, maybe I would of been happier if I tried harder, I was definitely a less mature person at the time...

 

But she's gone. She found someone who loves her and treats her right, one day I'll be happy for her and can truly be a supportive friend to her. I just wish I could go back to feeling normal and happy and not feel like I need to depend on her for happiness and my well being

 

 

How long was you together mate and how long ago did you split?

I can't have any contact because every time I see her name on my phone with a little message about car insurance or one word answers I destroys me inside, I don't get the messages about her wanting to know about my day, how I am, did I get to work alright, you know those caring messages, loving messages so I've cut all contact and all social media with her and her family.

 

Chin up mate hope you get some sort of normality in your life soon

[NIGHT1985]

How long was you together mate and how long ago did you split?

I can't have any contact because every time I see her name on my phone with a little message about car insurance or one word answers I destroys me inside, I don't get the messages about her wanting to know about my day, how I am, did I get to work alright, you know those caring messages, loving messages so I've cut all contact and all social media with her and her family.

 

Chin up mate hope you get some sort of normality in your life soon

 

We dated for 2 1/2 years and we stuck out being friends for 8 months after( I thought we were working on things and eventually get back together) and then she hit me with the "I met someone" and it was worse than the initial break up. She met someone at the job she was working, and he was married with a kid. He eventually divorced his wife to get with my ex, and the whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach. But she's extremely happy and in love, so I wanna be happy for her. We tried maintaing friendship, but I couldn't, I would lash out, get jealous, and it wasn't healthy for either of us.