Feel that guilty I feel sick and can't eat ***Updated***

[Pud]

Thank you everyone, I need people like you in my contacts so I can txt when them lonely times are and to be reassured.

 

It's a lonely world sometimes

[Zahara]

Thank you everyone, I need people like you in my contacts so I can txt when them lonely times are and to be reassured.

 

It's a lonely world sometimes

 

Manage your loneliness on your own. Dragging her back into it is only going to cause more hurt all around. She's isn't a crutch.

 

Go out with your friends. Reach out to your family. Join meetups. Plan a trip. Go volunteer.

[Pud]

For some reason I struggle more in the mornings, I feel my weakest in the mornings and just alone, I don't sleep great at the minute and wake 2-3 times a night an struggle to get back off to sleep.

 

So I rang her mum just to see how the family was and talk about my ex, she's having to do a lot of traveling at the minute for her placement her nurse degree and she's very stressed and struggling.

 

While talking to her mum I was looking for anything to grab hold of anything that I could use in my head as 'there still might be a chance' her mum suggested I didn't have a massive talk with her but maybe send her a message saying I'm still thinking about her..... So I did.....

 

I got warned by many of you to stay NC.

 

I sent the message that she's always in my thoughts and I still think about her and I hope she's ok, she replied 'you too' and asked how my interview went as I've been waiting a year for this. I got job and she replied of how proud she was of me for getting it. Few more pleasantries I was getting a x at the end of the txt so for the first time in about 3 months I felt good.

 

But then she asked.... Can I pick up my stuff at the weekend.... BOOM gutted deverststed heart sank ....

 

But re reading some of my comments on my other thread it made me think, she is light years a head of me and getting on with her life.

 

Also some mentioned that I'm just lonely and my feelings for her are not what I think they are... My ego is bruised, the rejection of someone not wanting me and wanting someone else knocks your confidence but I do think it's just that.

 

I deleted all pictures on my phone, all social networking photos and I feel good for it. When she picks her stuff up on Sunday (I won't be there) I feel like that will be a line drawn and to start thinking of me and my son again.

 

Today is the first day I've any kind of positivity, this afternoon might be different , tomorrow might be different but right now I feel today is a good day

[PrettyEmily77]

NC is not an 11th commandment; it's one possible way to help some people get over a particular type of breakup. That's it.

 

It doesn't work for everyone, and it doesn't work all the time. There's no 'breaking' NC, or following 'NC' or anything else, IMO: if it's not for you and you need to heal your own way, then that's that.

 

It'll get better. Good for you for taking positive steps towards your recovery.

[Satu]

I agree with PrettyEmily77.

 

It's an option, not a must.

 

Do whatever feels right for you, OP.

[smudge21]

Sounds like you had that final nail in the coffin moment, where we hold out hope for so long and then following a reach out, we get shut back down and hit with reality that it finally wakes us up and we can start to truly let go. I reckon for many who go NC and struggle, it's because of that hope thing. Even when the break up has been bad, we still see the good and positive; the hope and belief that maybe there's a chance. It's only when something like what happened here takes place that we finally are able to move on. I guess we just all need to be knocked back so much until we finally accept reality.

[Pud]

You are 100% right.... Constantly hanging on, constantly waiting for something to hang on too, that hope that wishful thinking, all the good times all the fun times, I was just kidding myself.

 

Sometimes making that contact might be a good idea but not in every case, def in my case

[Zahara]

Well, now you can finally close the door. Manage your feelings of loneliness and figure out how best to move on. Keep reminding yourself why you ended the relationship in the first place i.e. boring, lost attraction for her, etc., maybe even write a list of the negatives and whenever you doubt yourself, go back and remind yourself as to the reality of what you had with her.

 

The good days and bad days are going to come but you'll get through it.

[Satu]

After being hurt by someone who no longer has a place in my life, I made a decision that I would never again say that person's name, and I haven't.

 

It's been very empowering.

[bummer]

But re reading some of my comments on my other thread it made me think, she is light years a head of me and getting on with her life.

 

I wish you could troll this forum and post your story anytime you read of someone thinking of breaking NC. it's a tale of when it HELPED to break NC.

 

For me, had I stayed NC, I would be holding that false hope still in my heart. Like climbing a trail with switchbacks, NC awhile back would be the slow steady path upwards. By breaking NC, having her rip my hope to shreds with one sentence, "I've met someone new," I jumped 10 miles ahead on my recovery journey. And I'm thankful. Now NC is truly meaningful from this stage as I know the bridge has burned.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[Pud]

Well, now you can finally close the door. Manage your feelings of loneliness and figure out how best to move on. Keep reminding yourself why you ended the relationship in the first place i.e. boring, lost attraction for her, etc., maybe even write a list of the negatives and whenever you doubt yourself, go back and remind yourself as to the reality of what you had with her.

 

The good days and bad days are going to come but you'll get through it.

 

 

You've been right all this time, it is loneliness, it is a bruised ego and I need to manage it.

 

Deleting pictures was hard but also a relief. The hardest pictures to delete was the ones of when we first got together, that year was an amazing year a really happy, fun filled year and that made me sad and upset. When I got to some of the pics from the past year/2 years I looked at the pics and although we looked happy I can tell you we argued like hell most of them days, it's like we took the pics to upload to social media as a front to show how happy we was but truthly we really wasn't.

 

I need some one who's going to want to go for a bike ride in the rain or an early morning run not someone that smokes 20+ a day and thrives on going down the pub.

 

Don't get me wrong I think very highly of her because she truly truly was the most caring, thoughtful, loving person I have ever met and she would do absolutely anything for anyone and put everyone in front of her own needs, she is such an honest beautiful person and I miss that, I miss the love she gave me all the time that I kept knocking back I feel guilty but in the same breath it didn't feel right.

 

I think I'm a long way off even thinking about anyone else or being fully over the loss but you are right, you and bummer have given amazing advice and really opened my eyes.

 

Thank you guys, thank you everyone.

[MissBee]

NC isn't a commandment but it is common sense, and unfortunately, during heartbreak it's difficult to have common sense. Breakup insanity is real ya'll. You can literally lose yourself and your mind if you're not careful and do so many embarrassing things you regret.

 

In the case where the breakup is mutual or where ALL feelings are vanished, you usually do not care to be friends with your ex anyway. If it happens it happens, but you're not obsessing over it. And if you are, it's more normal like any other friendship.

 

NC is for the non-mutual breakups where one person still wants the other, the feelings aren't reciprocated and it's difficult. While you are not required to go NC, people have been doing it before there was a term, as it makes sense that in order to heal you need space and time and can't keep inserting yourself into your ex's life or playing the "friend" role all the while knowing you are not genuinely only interested in or able to handle a true friendship.

 

I don't think it's a crime to break NC, I think most of us do until we eventually get hit with the same painful info. But those who stick to it earlier tend to heal more quickly. I remember feeling like NC was harsh or "not for everyone" (like I said, it's for EVERYONE who is not in a mutual breakup. The only people who can choose not to do it with low risk are folks for whom parting was amicable and mutual and where they genuinely have no feelings and can see their ex date, do everything and not care). That mentality meant I spent almost a year and a half in breakup purgatory trying to be "friends" with my ex, looking at his life on social media, texting, calling, random post-breakup sex and all the while I told myself that having him a little was better than none at all and better than him forgetting me and this was the best way to heal....welll....that crap of course was nonsense and all I ended up doing was making my life HELL while easing his guilty feelings...meanwhile he was moving on and I was stuck on stupid smh.

 

 

Pud, I hope this is the final nail for you! Your mind will trick you into all kinds of rationalizations about not doing NC or going round and round with looking for hope. But trust, NC gives you space and time to heal. It's not magic and it is a rollercoaster, because you're grieving and grief isn't linear, but it allows you to not keep putting salt into the wound or doing things you may regret.

[lalalandman]

Lol how are you gutted by her asking you to pick up your stuff? It is YOUR stuff, isn't it? She's at a minimum OK with seeing you in person in order for you to collect your things. She even asked you details about your life. Chill. You're allowing emotions to override pure logic.

[MissBee]

Lol how are you gutted by her asking you to pick up your stuff? It is YOUR stuff, isn't it? She's at a minimum OK with seeing you in person in order for you to collect your things. She even asked you details about your life. Chill. You're allowing emotions to override pure logic.

 

She asked to pick up her stuff from him.

 

In any event, if breakups were about logic, then all of us who are logical would be doing well.

 

Breakups ARE by nature emotional things. He's gutted because he's not over her and was looking for hope that maybe they could work things out. She was nice and cordial and polite, but her saying she's picking her stuff up is a stab in the heart because it signals that no she's not looking to get back together. This is final. She can be pleasant with him like anyone else, but she wants her stuff and is moving on. This is also why NC is necessary, because when we're raw and hurting and still have hope, every little thing our exes do while we're trying to "be friends" or we interact with them or spy on their social media or seek info from their family and friends, becomes a big deal. We either read into every pleasantry as hope for rekindling or we are crushed by their indifference or by seemingly "small stuff" that just confirms that it's over. The first breakup is one rejection but continued interactions open new opportunities for other feelings of rejection and being gutted over and over again. Sure...you get a high sometimes from breaking NC, like OP felt himself, when they are all nice and you start fantasizing about more or they may even go all the way as to meet up and stuff, but for the brokenhearted person, it is hard to look at it realistically. ALL pleasant interactions are filtered through this lens of clinging to hope and then when it falls flat, and they haven't changed their minds or use you for sex or whatever else, then reject you again, you feel hurt all over and also very foolish.

[Satu]

Its very common to have false starts and relapses with NC.

 

There's no shame in it.

 

It's not an easy thing to do.

 

Sometimes it takes one last unambiguous rejection.

[Orion39]

If there has been a no contact established you need to honor that, as hard at it may be to do. You state that you are afraid of more rejection, but if you do contact her what do you suppose the chance would be she would have a positive reaction. I would not want to take such a chance, however tempting it may be. Talk with a friend about it, write about it as you have here but stay the course and hopefully it will work out in the end.

[Pud]

I've got my hole family here visiting for my brothers birthday, my ex would of been the life of the party getting people up dancing, laughing and enjoying them selfs.

 

It's feels so strange her not being her, like really really odd. So quiet seems so boring.

 

I know my family miss her and I'm really struggling today and knowing she's picking her stuff up tomorrow is making it even more difficult.

 

Why is it yesterday I felt really positive but today I'm so low and so sad and feel so down. I have my son and my family are here but yet I just want to go to my room and shut the door.

[Zahara]

It normal. You're grieving. You're suffering a loss. Your emotions will fluctuate daily from sadness, calm, anger, hurt, etc.

 

It would be good for you to write down why you decided to end the relationship and that will help you shift back to reality. It doesn't take away the sadness but it will help you snap back whenever you're romanticizing the relationship.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Why is it yesterday I felt really positive but today I'm so low and so sad and feel so down. I have my son and my family are here but yet I just want to go to my room and shut the door.

 

 

Hi Pud the simple answer is: That's how it goes, getting through the most stinging and debilitating part of pain in the split is one step forward and two steps back some weeks. Then it becomes three steps forward and one step back, until eventually we walk towards the future without getting pulled back. You are not quite at that last part yet, and that's ok.

 

It's really REALLY hard to adjust to your new reality at first, you are feeling a bit of the shock of the change. As trivial as it sounds you will get used to your new reality and it won't feel like this forever.

 

Sounds like you are having a "step back" kind of day. If what you need is to go off into a room alone because your environment is overwhelming you then do it, (have a secret cry if you want to) Im sure everyone will understand. Once you take the time out and collect yourself you will recharge and can come back out in a better frame of mind.

 

I'm sorry...it's so hard!

[Pud]

About 3 months post break up of a 5 year serious relationship.

 

Admittedly we didn't get on that well in the last 2 years and I didn't think much of her when we was together, we argued a lot but I feel that was my fault for not trying, she gave me every ounce of love she had and I just rejected it, she gave me so much love and reassurance and made me feel like a king but I took her for granted and just assumed she'd always be there.

 

I can't stop thinking about her, I go to sleep thinking of her I wake up in the night thinking of her then can't sleep, I wake up before my alarm thinking of her.

 

I honestly have never met anyone so thoughtful, caring and selfless in all my life and I've lost her.

 

My friends say it's just mind games and to think of the bad times but all I think about is how badly I treated her and how guilty I feel.

 

I miss her so much and I'd feel like I'd move heaven and earth to to get back with her.

 

Last week I made contact an she basically shot me down and I was truly gutted and nearly sick.

 

This pain and the thoughts just won't go away and I don't know what to do.....

[serendipity90]

If she shot you down and she doesn't feel the same that's probably the kindest thing she can do for you right now.

 

I know it hurts, I'm in the same boat right now still grieving over my relationship breakdown where he told me last week when we met up he couldn't see us ever getting back together. All my hopes were dashed but I have to look at the positives, at least he was honest and isn't stringing me along so now I can move on properly with my life.

 

It doesn't stop me dreaming and thinking about him, I dreamt about him last night but I deleted him off facebook and am not looking at his social media anymore so am weaning myself off him. It's like weaning yourself off a drug addiction. It's my first heart break but it will get better in time so they say.

[Zahara]

Pud, you had a 5 year relationship. Grieving doesn't happen overnight. It's going to take months before the obsessive thoughts and recycling of the past starts to simmer down.

 

This is not going to be a quick fix. It took you 5 years to build that bond with her and it's going to take a lot more than weeks to weaken it.

 

"I miss her so much and I'd feel like I'd move heaven and earth to to get back with her."

This is your loneliness talking. You stated that you lost your attraction for her and that the relationship was rubbish. These declarations aren't stemming from your genuine feelings for her but moreso the negative feelings you have within yourself.

 

Write that list of why the relationship wasn't working for you. Everytime you start to idealize/romanticize -- read it so that you remind yourself of your reality.

[Pud]

The thing is when I think about why it broke down I haven't got those thoughts anymore, I honestly believe I got to complacent and took her for granted and just expected her to be there.

 

What I would give for her to look at me the way she used to, look at me with all that love she gave me but I just knocked her back.

 

I wasn't a very good boy friend to her and I'd love to prove how I can be that person she needs in a relationship.

 

My heads a mess, I feel like I'm dying inside and I'm just lost so so lost.

 

Maybe your right in what you say and in 6minths time I'll come back and admit you was right but now right now it doesn't feel like that.

 

I appreciate your comments tho you seem to have your head screwed and give good advice.

 

Thank you

[Zahara]

The thing is when I think about why it broke down I haven't got those thoughts anymore, I honestly believe I got to complacent and took her for granted and just expected her to be there.

 

What I would give for her to look at me the way she used to, look at me with all that love she gave me but I just knocked her back.

 

I wasn't a very good boy friend to her and I'd love to prove how I can be that person she needs in a relationship.

 

My heads a mess, I feel like I'm dying inside and I'm just lost so so lost.

 

Maybe your right in what you say and in 6minths time I'll come back and admit you was right but now right now it doesn't feel like that.

 

I appreciate your comments tho you seem to have your head screwed and give good advice.

 

Thank you

 

Often times, after an ending we tend to bargain with ourselves. Maybe it was me, maybe it was her. If only I did that, if only I said this, etc. Doubting yourself is a normal process when you are going through the process of grieving.

 

There's a reason you said this:

 

10 weeks ago my ex of 5 years rang me saying she's leaving, she begged me to stop her but I told her it was a good idea an she should go. The relationship was rubbish, no spark, more like friends, never wanted to do the same thing nothing in common didn't find her attractive anymore and argued a lot.

 

While there may be some truth in what you're saying, the crux of the matter remains in that this relationship was not working out for you. If you weren't able to identify the issues that needed to be addressed during the relationship, then it doesn't seem like it was a priority or if there was a dire need for you to want to save it? Why now? Are you really placing value on it now because it was valuable or because you hate feeling lonely? Again, write down the pros and cons so that you can construct it based on reality rather than emotion.

 

Unfortunately, at the time when she begged you, she was likely in the same emotional state you're in now. But with space and time, she realizes it is probably the best for her too as I am sure she sensed your lack of investment and desire for her. Roles have now changed.

 

The only thing you can do now is move forward, and it is going to hurt. There is no other way around it. Grieving = head in a mess, feeling like you're going to die, the world is coming to an end, intense hopelessness, don't want to live anymore, etc. All normal and all part and process of grief. There is no quick fix. You have to go through to get past.

 

Try to be gentle on yourself. Eat and hydrate. Lean on your friends and family. Start exercising as it's a great mood enhancer. Don't stay alone at home -- be out and active. When you wake in the morning, don't lay in bed - up and jump into starting the day. Moping around only intensifies those bad feelings. Post when you feel sad and someone will help you through. One day at a time.

Edited July 5, 2016 by Zahara

[bummer]

The faster you hit bottom, the sooner you can start swimming back up.

 

Best advice I got was to swim your way to the bottom don't just float. Through the denial, bargaining, and anger. Feel all of them in their raw intensity. Own them. When it really sinks in that you're at the bottom you'll know.

 

Push off the bottom and swim towards the light. Don't get stuck bobbing around for someone to pull you out. Only you can.