I need to leave my wife

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, your wife went through Hell for you. The least you could do is give her the children she wants so very much. If you love her as a person like you say you do, you and she can come to some kind of agreement that allows you to feel as if you aren't abandoning your child(ren).

 

I think even discussing children is premature. The OP may not even be fully responsible for himself at this point so I'm not sure what he could contribute to a child.

 

Recovery is by necessity a selfish process, one has to be focused on their own environment, needs and goals to be successful. The mindset makes it hard to be in a relationship, much less be an effective parent.

 

One step at a time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

Look into the 'stages' of love. Anyone can fall in love, over & over & over again. If you're a very lucky person after that feeling ebbs (& it always does) you find something far deeper & far more meaningful.

 

Your wife has loved you 'for worse, for poorer & in sickness....I bet she's hasn't liked you very much & she's not being honest with herself if she says that she's been in love with you through all of this crap.

 

You have been given the most amazing gift of all...You have been truly loved. Don't squander it.

 

I'd like to hear you answer the questions about any special female friends you may have 'supporting you' through this time in your life.

 

You talk about dumping all of your friends. Dumping your wife. Are you seeing a professional to discuss how important it is to face the people you're too embarrassed to face? Running away really isn't going to solve anything. It will give you more guilt to drown down the road.

 

I'm concerned that you're making some really bad choices. Do you have family that you're distancing yourself from too?

[beautifulinside2]

I have run across several selfish, arrogant, manipulative, heartless people, but you won the award for the month. Congratulations, please leave her to enjoy the rest of her life with someone who loves her more then he loves drugs. Clearly your brain is fried.

[beatcuff]

Recovery is by necessity a selfish process, one has to be focused on their own environment, needs and goals to be successful...One step at a time...

 

it is apparent that some have been involved in the recovery process and others have no concept. OP if you posted this in the 'recovery' board you would have gotten more sympathetic responses.

 

the addict needs to fix themselves FIRST. yes that means its time to be selfish. how times do i read on this board you can not love someone until you love yourself. well guess what, that can't happen until you have 'me time'. so be selfish: clean up, regroup, redefine, THEN move forward.

 

but OP Mr Lucky and I believe you are too early in the process to move forward.

 

My dad was a drunk (how drunk --- he once blew a 3.4: that's hardcore for those that don't know). he would get 'buzzed' and --- be the life of the party, ask anyone. just his presence could take a 'oh hum' party and make it the event of the year. and who wanted that more than anything --- my mom. they received more offers every weekend...

 

after many attempts (some at least partially undermined by my mom) he 'recovered' (which will be an ongoing process because it was not the drug that was the cause it is in your personality: fix alcohol then move to X then fix and move to Y: this is what happened to my older sister). my mom and my older sister talked about how much 'fun' he was when he was a drunk (too funny both also had addiction issues) AND how boring he was sober. in order to move forward he withdrew from many of the social activities and circles that would have lead him right back to where he (i assume) did not want to be...

 

OP i tell you all this because --- in the end my mom discovered she too was 'confusing' you can only live with 'that' fun... she gave that all up and stayed married. they then TOGETHER discovered a different but just as fun life.

 

so (2 cents --- again to Mr Lucky) ONE step at a time: fix yourself then decide if your wife is an issue, then SHE can decide if she wants to stay with the new and hopefully improved you.

[anika99]

Yes, I would be. When the embryos were created we signed legal contracts. The embryos cannot be used unless I agree to it, as soon as I agree I am the legal binding father. We had 9 embryos make it to freezing.

 

Right but I'm sure your wife would be willing to negotiate a new agreement with you should you divorce her. She would probably be willing to let you walk away from your parental responsibilities if that is the only way she can have a baby.

 

I notice you haven't mentioned if you have become romantically interested in someone else. I know sometimes addicts do have to end friendships if those friendships are a threat to the addicts sobriety, a temptation to fall back into the addiction but you say that is not the case with your wife so I don't get why you feel like you have to walk away from her. It sounds like you think you can get away from your ugly past by running away. Like you can just walk away and your life will be all shiny and new with no ugliness from the past tarnishing your new clean self. As an older person I can tell you that life doesn't work that way. Walking away from people who you have hurt and who love you will only give a short reprieve from whatever feelings you are struggling with right now but eventually it will all catch up to you and you will find that there is no such thing as running away and being happy.

 

During your years of addiction did your wife ever seek help for herself? I wish someone had told her that there is no reward in subjecting oneself to abuse for the sake of holding onto a relationship. Looks like she's about to find that out in the most devastating way. If you must leave her, she will most likely get over it but don't be hasty in destroying those embryos. When the divorce is done and the dust has settled I'm sure you and your wife could come to some sort of agreement so that she can be a mom and you won't be held responsible.

[Redhead14]

You did not have a wife who was being supportive and sacrificing for you, what you had was a co-dependent relationship.

 

While you were in recovery, she should have been attending counseling for herself.

 

You would not be destroying her hopes and dreams, you would be setting her free to fulfill them with someone who can be fully invested in a relationship.

 

I commend you for your progress and hope you will continue to move forward yourself. You cannot change the past, you can only learn from it and give yourself the opportunity to have a better future. All the best to you.

[S2B]

Have you done counseling with a trauma therapist? Have you two done MC?

 

I'm hoping you have an idea what purpose those 12 steps serve???

 

Have you written out what divorce might look like? Shared that perspective with someone you trust?

 

Has your wife looked into al anon at all?

 

Just wondering where you both are mentally in the recovery process...have you done all 12 steps? What method do you use for getting/staying sober?

 

What do you do each day to move forward in your recovery?

[rohann]

Yes. I am actively working on my recovery. Yes. There is another woman in my life to some degree.

 

I told my wife that I need some space to stand on my own two feet. Had a drink after.

[Deidre]

I think leaving her would be the best thing for her. She should work on why she allowed someone to treat her so poorly for so long. She can only do that if you're gone. She has suffered enough, and you should move on, and let her move on with her life. And there's another woman in your life. Wow. You don't sound like you can stand on your own two feet without a woman there to 'catch you.' I say this to you in charity, not to judge you. But, you need to stop dragging more women into your messes, and fix your life before you destroy another one.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes. I am actively working on my recovery. Yes. There is another woman in my life to some degree.

 

13th step ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

Being involved with another woman while you are still married and with your wife is not only obviously wrong it's also indicative of your poor coping skills and faulty decision making. You still have a long ways to go to becoming fully mature and healthy. If you want to ditch your marriage for another woman knock yourself out. It's better than staying married and cheating, but if you end your marriage this way for these reasons then it's unlikely that you and the OW will go on to having a successful healthy relationship.

[S2B]

Yes. I am actively working on my recovery. Yes. There is another woman in my life to some degree.

 

I told my wife that I need some space to stand on my own two feet. Had a drink after.

 

This isn't working on recovery - this is working on active drinking.

 

And now you have another woman when your not divorced yet? Dude, you've got work to do on yourself - first!

 

Do ALL the steps. Focus on that. Work and stay busy. See a counselor to address the underlying pain that lead to the drinking/drugs.

 

Divorce your wife so she can pursue a life without drama and worry.

 

And Dude, do the right thing. Stop making it worse.

 

Try not to drink today. Do kind things for others.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes. I am actively working on my recovery. Yes. There is another woman in my life to some degree.

 

I told my wife that I need some space to stand on my own two feet. Had a drink after.

 

Ha.

You dope.

You are doing the exact same thing my husband did: replacing one addiction with another, then trying to replace that with cheatibg and doing the "oh, I don't want to hurt YOU" card.

 

Do you guys all read from the same script?

 

Well, after the cheating bit rapidly fell apart and made him feel even more like a scum-bucket, he bounced like a ping-pong ball through a bunch of addictive behavior.

 

Until living in the back of his car just wasn't as much fun anymore and I stopped being an option (or a place to try to crash) for awhile.

 

Then, he sought help with an earnest heart.

 

The answer isn't with your new woman, because life isn't about having that "sure answer."

 

Your heart, like most men's, goes where you make your investments in.

 

You are OBVIOUSLY not investing in your marriage. That's why you don't have feelings enough towards it and can let it go. Because you are failing your marriage, not the other way around. Not because you "failed it in 2011....or whatever" but because to this day, you aren't investing in it.

 

And, boy oh boy, you don't "feel in love".....see how that works?

 

I bet your wife loves you very very much. See how much she invested? She was over-invested, really.

 

So, instead of investing in return, you've taken all that she's invested in you, dumped it in drugs and are now doing another superficial " investment" in another woman.

 

Yeah, that will work out......you are eleven months sober, and now you want a "do-over, new start-up."

 

You STILL DON'T GET IT. You ARE NOT getting a "brand new shiny life" that's an illusion.

 

You get the chance to improve THIS life or screw it up worse.

 

The only way you fix this is by investing in something OTHER THAN something self-destructive. And yes, starting a "new relationship" with all of the "feel.good chemicals" is self-destructive but wrapped with this cute, shiny promise.

 

I'm glad my husband woke up before he decided to go on penis-fest. Something about you guys. You just want to throw it all away to lament what you had.

 

Again, men love what they INVEST IN. What are you investing in? The investment itself isn't a sign that it's a "real genuine thing." Some men invest in booze, and kill their liver. Some men invest in a shiny new car, and wash it every time they take it out. Some men invest in their families and get dividends back from it.

 

How do you invest? Three major ways: your dick, yoir dime, your time.

 

If any of those three are travelling far outside of your marriage, no wonder it "isn't working" and you "don't feel love."

 

Love is a product of investment. And you've been coasting for years off of your wife's investment.

 

Love, real love, is that thing that happens when you invest, even when you don't effing feel like it. Because you know it's the right thing to do, and then you get the good feelings about yourself and your partner from being an invested partner.

 

But hey, it's your life right. You can either make a decision where your priorities lie and set your goals in that direction. Or you can sit back and wait for whatever feelings float by from whatever woman that feel new and shiny and then try to cling to that. Then do that with the next woman, and the next. And the one after. Because people that wait for the fluffy feelings to come by always need something "new and stimulating" because they don't WANT to have to examine their life, make priorities and face their fears and feelings.

 

You aren't trying to "protect your wife" from being hurt. Please. She made her investment clear.

 

You are trying to avoid your history and play "shiny new life."

 

Well, sorry buddy...

The geographic cure works as well as the relationship cure.

 

Your wife wasn't the problem here. She still isn't.

And wherever you go, there you are. You take your baggage with you.