In a 5 year relationship. Unsure where it is going

[GunslingerRoland]

#1) The psychological issues she has do not sound like OCD, OCD doesn't cause people to go from happy to screaming.

#2) Your list of positives sounds concerning to me, as they seem relatively unimportant. Getting along with her friends, common interests, the fact that she gets along with your coworkers, those sound like minor ,nice to have, things in a relationship. The stuff that is great as long as the important stuff is there, but you guys don't have sex, and she verbally abuses you, sounds like the negatives outweigh the positives.

#3) I know she's a school teacher, but not all school teachers become parents, or become good parents. Not much of what you've told us about her, makes me think she'd make a good parent. Depending on the personalities of children she has, it could be a complete train wreck.

 

 

Bottom line, it's your relationship and you're not going to make a decision on it based on random people on the internet, but I want you to think long about what is important in a relationship. If you guys can't have conflict without it turning into world war 3, then there is some major dysfunction in the relationship, and those types of things get a million times worse when you bring kids into a household.

[justsomeguypa]

Thanks you all again for the replies. To clarify a few things, and ask for advice.

 

 

• I am sure I partially had something to do with arguments escalating. I just flat out ran out of patience with her when having to clarify things, and anytime she senses I was getting frustrated, she had to match that, and in fact rise above it with yelling. A lot of her anger (rage as her therapist calls it) manifests itself because of a major traumatic event she had happen when she was a child (from a male).
  
• She repeatedly said we should go to relationship counseling. I am of the thought that if you are not even engaged yet, and you are already in need of relationship counseling, it likely isn't going to work in the long run. What is everyone's opinion on that?
  
• I am still incredibly sad, but I think the majority of my sadness comes from knowing SHE is hurting so badly right now. She wanted so badly to make it work, and the feeling of rejection right now I am sure is adding to her pain. I want so badly to reach out to her and comfort her, but I DO know that in the long run that won't be good for either of us.
  

[Downtown]

A lot of her anger (rage as her therapist calls it) manifests itself because of a major traumatic event she had happen when she was a child (from a male).... she suffered some severe emotional trauma when she was younger that mentally makes it hard to have sex.

Just, most abused children do NOT develop BPD when they grow up. Such abuse, however, greatly raises their risk for developing BPD -- and this is particularly true when the abuse is sexual, as you seem to be describing. See BPD and Childhood Sexual Abuse and the study, Child Sex Abuse and BPD. Also see Sexual Abuse and Psychiatric Disorders and the study, Psychological Consequences of Sexual Abuse.

 

I am of the thought that if you are not even engaged yet, and you are already in need of relationship counseling, it likely isn't going to work in the long run. What is everyone's opinion on that?

My opinion is that MC (marriage counseling) may be worthwhile -- even prior to engagement -- when a couple lacks simple communication skills. MCs generally are very good at teaching such skills. Yet, if you decide that your exGF is exhibiting a strong pattern of BPD traits, her problems go far beyond a lack of communication skills. In that case, MC likely would be a total waste of time regardless of whether it occurs before or after the engagement. MC could be useful for a BPDer only after she/he had several years of intensive therapy to address the more serious issues. That, at least, was my experience when taking my BPDer exW to three MCs and six psychologists in weekly sessions for 15 years.

 

Hence, when deciding whether to spend time and money on MC, an important issue is what type of behavioral symptoms you have been seeing. Did most of the symptoms in my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs sound very familiar to you? That is, has your GF been exhibiting most of those behavioral symptoms at a strong and persistent level over the past five years?

[bummer]

She wanted so badly to make it work, and the feeling of rejection right now I am sure is adding to her pain. I want so badly to reach out to her and comfort her, but I DO know that in the long run that won't be good for either of us.

 

You DO know. She needs to learn to cope with failure, rejection, criticism, and her rage like a normal member of society. She needs to know there are grave consequences to anti-social behaviour. Her hurt will extend far beyond your relationship.

 

Be good to yourself now.

[cupcakesyum]

The fact that you are making a pros and cons list on whether or not to get married after 5 years is a bad sign. Unless you are dealing with some personal issues like depression, or anxiety, after 5 years you should be able to know if you want to marry her or not. Relationships are hard and they take a lot of work, but when you are with the right person the reward is worth the effort.

 

It sounds like she is a strung out mess ?

You might want to try pre-marital counseling, because her behavior will only get worse as time goes on.

Does the relationship stress you out? Do you guys communicate effectively?

These are all important questions to ask before deciding

[cupcakesyum]

That is so sad If my boyfriend of 5 years told me that he was a heart attack waiting to happen and I was to blame for that, I would feel terrible for doing that to my boyfriend. She sounds very self-centered and you don't need that kind of negativity in your life. Let it go and move on

[cupcakesyum]

Normally I would say that counseling or therapy is always a good idea! Every relationship goes through difficult times at one point or another, and it's a good idea to have a neutral party help you to communicate and work through things; however, it sounds like this relationship would need lots of therapy and lots of work before you saw any improvement, and it sounds like you are worn out--I don't blame you for throwing in the towel.

[justsomeguypa]

Sorry to bump my thread.. but it has been a month and a half since I broke up with the ex, and lately I have really been missing her. It is not just missing companionship, but I do miss HER.

 

I assume this is normal at this stage?

[BettyDraper]

Sorry to bump my thread.. but it has been a month and a half since I broke up with the ex, and lately I have really been missing her. It is not just missing companionship, but I do miss HER.

 

I assume this is normal at this stage?

 

Of course. You're grieving a loss.

[standtall]

Congrats...motor through this, and in a year you will be happier than you thought was possible.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Sorry to bump my thread.. but it has been a month and a half since I broke up with the ex, and lately I have really been missing her. It is not just missing companionship, but I do miss HER.

 

I assume this is normal at this stage?

 

It can be. However, some dumpers are usually already emotionally checked out of the relationship prior to it ending, so they tend to move on a lot faster. I guess that isn't the case here. There were obviously parts of your previous relationship that you valued a lot.

 

I'm not going to say I think you made the wrong decision, but I also wouldn't blame you for having second thoughts. Five years is a long time to be with someone.

 

Try and remember the reasons why you ended it. Are they still deal breakers that can't be fixed? If they can't then comfort yourself in the knowledge that it was the right thing to do in the long run, and know that these feelings should pass in time.

 

However, if upon reflection you think that the loss was too great and that perhaps with couples counselling things could potentially be repaired, well maybe you should consider that option.

 

Just think things over carefully.

[oldshirt]

Sorry to bump my thread.. but it has been a month and a half since I broke up with the ex, and lately I have really been missing her. It is not just missing companionship, but I do miss HER.

 

I assume this is normal at this stage?

 

why are you missing companionship? why aren't you doing fun things with friends and family? Why aren't you going out on dates with other women? Why aren't you engaging in fun and active hobbies and activities?

 

Yes it would be normal to miss someone if you are just sitting around moping doing nothing.

 

The point of breaking up was because she was toxic and your relationship and involvement with her was causing you an unhealthy amount of stress and hardship.

 

But you still have to get out of the house and do stuff with people. You can't just sit home doing nothing and expect to feel better. Get out and do fun things with fun people. Start dating healthy, squared away women that don't have issues. Don't be a white knight trying to rescue damsels in distress.

[oldshirt]

Also I don't think it is a coincidence that you two had sex every other month and now you are missing her after a month or so. Your body is telling you it is time to have sex.

 

So get out and get some tail.

 

Only do it with a healthy woman with a healthy sexdrive and healthy attitude towards sexuality.

 

....and more importantly, do it with someone that has an actual sexdrive and no issues who will be sexually active at least weekly or more.

 

Once you have a healthy sex life and are getting it weekly or more, it will hard to even remember the crazy chick's name or picture her face.