girlfriend doesn't want me to visit, how to interpret?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

I think Confused means that the surprise visit would be more or less equivalent to relationship suicide. I agree.

 

For the record, Confused and I have both navigated similar situations ourselves in the past 6 months. This is why we're into the low pressure, low drama solutions. We know whereof we speak

 

WORD!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by westernxer

I was about to say this, too.

 

We're definitely on the same wavelength today

[ine399]

How about I write her an email like this,

 

girlfriend,

I want to say sorry if I've been overdramatic about you canceling my visit. I was just, and still am, really hurt -- I hope you understand. I still don't understand your reasoning but I guess I'll just have to trust you. Enjoy your independence, and I'll catch you on the flip side,

Love, Ine

[westernxer]

Originally posted by ine399

How about I write her an email like this,

 

girlfriend,

I want to say sorry if I've been overdramatic about you canceling my visit. I was just, and still am, really hurt -- I hope you understand. I still don't understand your reasoning but I guess I'll just have to trust you. Enjoy your independence, and I'll catch you on the flip side,

Love, Ine

 

 

How about saying nothing...

 

It sounds like you're throwing in the towel.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by ine399

How about I write her an email like this,

 

girlfriend,

I want to say sorry if I've been overdramatic about you canceling my visit. I was just, and still am, really hurt -- I hope you understand. I still don't understand your reasoning but I guess I'll just have to trust you. Enjoy your independence, and I'll catch you on the flip side,

Love, Ine

 

If you want to keep her in your life, no, don't send it. Telling her your feelings only puts more pressure on her. Pressure she is trying to escape.

 

The #1 rule when someone is pulling away from you is to PULL BACK AS WELL!! Your s/o is pulling away because she wants to see how free she is to leave. You know you love her, she knows you love her. Now say to her, by actions - not words, that she is "Free to go if she wishes..."

 

She has probably felt suffocated in the relationship. If you've been good to her, she will not forget that. But, she will resent you if you try and force your will on her. Let her find these things out for her own. It's painful right now, I understand. But trying to manipulate her, spy on her, surprise her, etc will only serve to destroy the relationship.

 

If she is to come to the conclusion she wants you in her life, she needs to find that out on her own. Any effort you make to "help" her come to that conclusion will only serve the opposite intended effect.

 

Good luck.

[tanbark813]

Always do the opposite of what Confused says.

[Cwazydude]

Here is the deal, What these guys have been saying is right for the most part, your trying to dig your claws into her back and hang on for dear life, and i guess she dose not like that.

 

Try not talking to her for a while, Start working on the life you have here and now. There isn't much else you can do while she is away.

 

When/If she comes back, Don't crawl right back into her hands and act like nothing happened. Corner her like a wounded animal and tell/yell/scream at her how hurt you where. If nothing else she will at least understand you were a little hurt by her actions.

 

The last part is optional, but the rest of it is good advice. If you keep trying to contact her, your screwed. Simple as that.

 

Good luck man.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Cwazydude

When/If she comes back, Don't crawl right back into her hands and act like nothing happened. Corner her like a wounded animal and tell/yell/scream at her how hurt you where. If nothing else she will at least understand you were a little hurt by her actions.

 

I wouldn't recommend that because she'll just feel more unnecessary pressure. Women want to do the pursuing. They want to feel like they 'earned' the man they are with. When a man let's a woman know, especially in a heated argument, how 'hurt' he was, all it does is make him seem weak and put pressure on her to 'reciprocate' her feelings. He is 'chasing' her, not the other way around.

 

Men show women they care by shutting up and listening when they talk. Trust me on that one.

[Cwazydude]

I only said that because I think this chick has it coming. Feeling pressured is all well and fine, but personally i think she's fooling around on him and deserves a good yelling when/if, (Notice i say IF in both posts) she comes home.

 

I'm sure that he wont, Because he obviously warships the ground she walks on, And personally i don't think that this girl deserves the treatment this guy gives her. This entire thing sounds to me like:

 

Nice guy loves girl.

 

Girl goes away.

 

Nice guy worries.

 

Girl fools around, dose not want guy to come.

 

Nice guy gets hurt feelings, but decides its best not to do anything about it because he loves her to death and he's too nice.

 

Girl walks all over him.

 

 

Now, I don't know about you, but i personally think thats wrong.

 

But then again, "Too each his own".

[westernxer]

Originally posted by tanbark813

Always do the opposite of what Confused says.

 

You crack me up, tanbark... always appearing at an opportune moment with something original.

[Cwazydude]

That was a joke? It sounded like good advice

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by westernxer

You crack me up, tanbark... always appearing at an opportune moment with something original.

 

Thanks, I do what I can.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Cwazydude

I only said that because I think this chick has it coming. Feeling pressured is all well and fine, but personally i think she's fooling around on him and deserves a good yelling when/if, (Notice i say IF in both posts) she comes home.

 

I'm sure that he wont, Because he obviously warships the ground she walks on, And personally i don't think that this girl deserves the treatment this guy gives her. This entire thing sounds to me like:

 

Nice guy loves girl.

 

Girl goes away.

 

Nice guy worries.

 

Girl fools around, dose not want guy to come.

 

Nice guy gets hurt feelings, but decides its best not to do anything about it because he loves her to death and he's too nice.

 

Girl walks all over him.

 

 

Now, I don't know about you, but i personally think thats wrong.

 

But then again, "Too each his own".

 

Perspective, is more like it.

 

If he is a "Nice Guy" (as in doormats) the he has already lost. What will venting his anger at her do other than to serve to briefly make him feel better?!

 

He isn't sure she is cheating on him. She has only said she wants some space. By refusing to give it to her he says "I can not function without you..." which is the absolute worst thing you can say to a woman. Women want "calm, confident, self-assured, masculine men.." of which doormats are the exact opposite of.

 

So if he wants to keep her, he needs to let her go.

 

If he wants to lose her, then by all means, hunt her down like an animal and spy on her every move. Surprise her.

Beg, cry, plead, do whatever to "prove" your love to her.

 

And watch her sprint away from him.

[Cwazydude]

I was just kidding when i told him to go over there, Frankly it sounds to me like she isn't worth the cost of the plane ticket.

 

Anyway, All I keep hearing from you is to let her cheat on him and then be cool about it when she gets back. Now, True, She might not be cheating on him, but she IS hiding something, And if they don't have an open relationship and she's hiding stuff from him, what's there to save?

 

I'm just telling him to break free, and don't put up with her. Yelling was just an option. I also vote for screaming, Throwing stuff, and breaking a few things.

 

lol, Lighten up. I respect your opinion and all, but It just feals wrong that she walks all over him.

[Cecelius]

The safest course is to assume this thing is done and move on. A woman in love or nearly in love or with interest level higher than 51% does not say "don't come to visit me."

 

Assume its done, stop calling her, wrap your heart up in titanium, go pick up some other chicks. If she comes back, see where you want to go then.

 

But for now, she's just trying to either break up without getting blamed for it or trying to keep him in her back pocket.

 

Men don't get into these situations.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by Cwazydude

I'm just telling him to break free, and don't put up with her. Yelling was just an option. I also vote for screaming, Throwing stuff, and breaking a few things.

 

lol, Lighten up. I respect your opinion and all, but It just feals wrong that she walks all over him.

 

Originally posted by Cecelius

The safest course is to assume this thing is done and move on. A woman in love or nearly in love or with interest level higher than 51% does not say "don't come to visit me."

 

Assume its done, stop calling her, wrap your heart up in titanium, go pick up some other chicks. If she comes back, see where you want to go then.

 

But for now, she's just trying to either break up without getting blamed for it or trying to keep him in her back pocket.

 

 

That's what I'm talking about...

[Cwazydude]

Originally posted by Cecelius

The safest course is to assume this thing is done and move on. A woman in love or nearly in love or with interest level higher than 51% does not say "don't come to visit me."

 

Assume its done, stop calling her, wrap your heart up in titanium, go pick up some other chicks. If she comes back, see where you want to go then.

 

But for now, she's just trying to either break up without getting blamed for it or trying to keep him in her back pocket.

 

Men don't get into these situations.

 

I agree 100%

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Cwazydude

I was just kidding when i told him to go over there, Frankly it sounds to me like she isn't worth the cost of the plane ticket.

 

Agreed.

 

Anyway, All I keep hearing from you is to let her cheat on him and then be cool about it when she gets back. Now, True, She might not be cheating on him, but she IS hiding something, And if they don't have an open relationship and she's hiding stuff from him, what's there to save?

 

I don't know that she is hiding something. I am agreeing in the sense of saying "let her go" and see where things go. He does need to work on himself (And I think I already mentioned "No More Mr. Nice Guy.)

 

I'm just telling him to break free, and don't put up with her. Yelling was just an option. I also vote for screaming, Throwing stuff, and breaking a few things.

 

lol, Lighten up. I respect your opinion and all, but It just feals wrong that she walks all over him.

 

I am relaxed

 

All I am saying is jumping to conclusions is not necessarily the right way to deal with problems. Insecurity concocts the worst scenarios possible. She might just need some time alone to asses herself and what she wants in her life. That's why I said he needs to pull away as well. That's not letting her walk on him, that's taking his life by the horns and working on the only aspect of the relationship he can control: Himself

 

Cheers.

[Cwazydude]

Thats True, But personally, If she told me that she didn't want me to come over there in an e-mail, i would never stop thinking the never-ending question.

 

"Why?"

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Cwazydude

Thats True, But personally, If she told me that she didn't want me to come over there in an e-mail, i would never stop thinking the never-ending question.

 

"Why?"

 

She did say why She said she wanted some time alone to asses her independence.

 

By showing up or assuming there's more to it than that, he ruins her trust in him, shows his lack of self-confidence and self-esteem and basically puts more pressure on her.

 

The absolute best thing to do when someone wants space is to give it them.

[Cwazydude]

Well, From what you have heard about her so far do you believe thats ALL there is to it?

 

Im just asking, None of us can actually KNOW, Because we have never met her or even know her name.

 

But personally I still think she's keeping something from him, but that's just me.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by Cwazydude

Well, From what you have heard about her so far do you believe thats ALL there is to it?

 

History usually proves otherwise. Usually.

[Cwazydude]

Originally posted by westernxer

History usually proves otherwise. Usually.

 

That's Almost sad when you think about it.

[ConfusedInOC]

So assuming something is going on, what would you recommend he do? Anything different than what I suggested?

 

He does need to worry about himself. It's hard to do because strong feelings throw a monkey wrench into the plans of great minds.

 

He can't control her, that's for sure. All he can do is focus on himself.

[Cwazydude]

Well, From what I understand we all agree on one thing.

 

No more Mr. Nice guy, No More letting her walk all over him.

 

MY personal opinion was about the whole "Yell, Scream, Throw stuff, Break things". Venting his anger on her sounds like my personal solution, but perhaps isn't his cup of tea.

 

The thing that the anger would insure, she would NEVER be able to walk on him again. Even if his relationship with her gets screwed because of it (From what it sounds like it will probably happen anyway) He'll be free.