I have been found guilty

[Miss Peach]

I get emails like that all the time even as a woman. If I saw something like that in my BF's email I should just laugh.

 

I have no advice but I understand how it feels. My XH used to do things like that all the time even doing nothing wrong and sounds very similar to what you post about your wife including being an extreme homebody type. We never were able to overcome the jealousy no matter what I did and I eventually left him. Just wanted to let you know someone else out there went through something similar and it sucks being painted as guilty over nothing.

[NTV]

I totally get it though. It's gotta to be annoying... at the very least... to be accused of cheating out of the blue like that. It'd tick me off to no end to be aggressively accused of cheating if I wasn't. I'd probably react with some anger--likely feel like it's an insult to my integrity.

 

 

Unless, of course, I was cheating. That'd be a whole different ballgame.

 

 

Either way, I feel for ya man, having to deal with that crap.

[DustyBoot]

So today she says i wish you could see my side of it...this message pops up and it shocked me....I said the message pop up and you said guilty...

 

Is is important to support your wife. She felt an emotion, what was it? You and I would agree the emotion came from an incorrect assumption she made, but all emotions are real. She asked you to see her side of it - this is a "bid" in Gottman terms, for you to show some support. You can "turn toward" her (Gottman terms) and show support (which does not undermine your side of it), or you can "turn away", which you do by neglecting her or you can "turn against" which is what you did. Turn against often enough and it can never recover.

 

Here's a possible way to handle it:

 

When she says she wishes you could see her side of it, ask her to tell you her side. You want to hear an emotion word. "I felt violated" or something like that. There's your chance. "Wow, I'm sorry you felt that way, feeling violated can't feel good." You stay right there - you, her and her feelings - until it's clear that she understands that you know how she felt.

 

THEN, you add to it...never use the word "but", by the way. "...and I would never want to do anything that could be considered violating you. That message you see there has nothing to do with anything I did. These things show up on the internet all the time. It's one of those darned annoying things, like advertising, that just happens."

 

You really can't talk about your side of it until you've acknowledged that she's hurt...not because you did anything wrong, but this is about human communications, and the first person to feel hurt ... well, she's not listening to any reasons until she knows you understand that she feels hurt.

 

The best thing you can ever do with a spouse is see it from their side.

 

 

She said then after she showed me the message it took me 15 or so mins to go out and confront her...that bothered her.

 

I hope you didn't actually confront her. Console, collaborate, gather your hearts and minds, maybe, but a confrontation pushes people away.

 

 

So after awhile she did apologize, but i think she is not really convinced i am innocent.

 

More likely, she thinks you don't care about her feelings, whether you're innocent or not.

 

She is the type of person , that only leaves the house to get groceries.. has no friends, will not go on a trip alone...she is always thinking something bad is going to happen..

 

 

This is a person with a lot of fears, which means she's emotionally fragile. It's good that you recognize this is the type of woman you married, because you can go forward confident in your decision that you will offer her a much larger portion of emotional support in the future, and also know that it's not really in her to offer you such support in return.

 

My wife is similar...but we're working on it. The counselor has confided in me that this is not considered a healthy psychological condition: being in constant fear diminishes the immune system and will actually lead to a shortened life. But at our ages (50-60), the likelihood of a big change is low.

 

 

For the most part our marriage is ok, i mean 39 yrs is not 15, we are both older and we live a quiet life.. But i told her today.. If she starts questioning me about this and that and i get that feeling you think i am being unfaithful...i will be done, i am not living the rest of my life under suspicion , i dont care if we have got to 39 yrs , its not worth it, i would rather live alone....

 

 

So, you gave her an ultimatum. In statistical terms, this is 4X as likely to lead to divorce as having an affair.

 

Instead, leading off with your feelings would probably have led to a higher likelihood that she'll make some modest changes. "Darling, when you question me about my activities on the internet, and then don't believe my answers, I feel untrusted and undesired". Fear-based people grab onto those emotion words, and then she'll think "what have I done to him?".

 

You already know she sees potential badness in everything - this is sometimes called a fearful person, or fear-based thinking or "catastrophizing", you can look up plenty of articles on how to get along with people with this characteristic - I've been doing a lot of reading myself.

 

By presenting her with an ultimatum, you have cast yourself into the role of something to really fear - unlike all those crooks with knives that don't exist outside your front door, you are right there in person and you really did threaten her with divorce...she may fear you more than anything else right now.

 

Do yourself a favor. Get and read John Gottman's "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". It may help you work better with her, or it may lead you to think you'd be better off with someone else, but at least you'll have learned a lot of useful tools for working with people of any characteristic behavior.

 

Good luck.