Cablebandit Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 I still want to know what the fear is here? What is it that you envision is happening? Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 It is not that he attended the funeral alone without you. It is that he attended it with his ex and told you not to come with him because it would make things awkward for her. He is clearly worried more about his ex's feeling than he is your feelings. This is a big deal because this shows that you are not a priority. Do not make someone a priority in your life that does not make you a priority in their's. You should build your life around someone that makes you a priority and clearly that is not him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 (edited) On the face of it, this is simply a case of your SO going to a funeral to pay his respects to a good friend who has tragically died young. His ex wife will also be there as she was a friend of the deceased too. Where on earth is the problem? The problem is not that he attended the funeral without the OP, or that the ex also attended the funeral. The problem that he went with his ex where they attended it together. The better thing to do was for him to have asked the wife putting on the funeral if it would be OK if he brought the OP to the funeral with him, showing her that he and the OP are a couple. Instead, by taking his ex it showed everyone that in his mind they are not really a committed couple. Edited July 1, 2016 by Try Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 No the wife of the deceased sent a group text including my partner and his ex. they decide to go together. I have met his wife and him when he was alive several times. No he did not attend with a group of people, just him and her together.. I asked if i could go too and he said it would make things awkward.. i guess i didnt know if i should react on my feelings or not here of letting her take my role because i feel like he shouldn't confide in her. Confide in her? What did he confide? I thought he just went to a funeral with her? Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 That is not right. He is showing just where you stand in this relationship. He went with his ex instead of you. Who would it have been uncomfortable for, the two of them or the wife of the deceased. You have some real issues here. I would never have gone if my SO was not going. He is getting the emotional support from who he wants it from. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 (edited) This guy is completely devoid of manners and is clueless and disrespectful toward you in every way I would dump him over this faster than he could blink. I'm amazed at anyone who thinks his actions were anything but appalling. Edited July 2, 2016 by bathtub-row 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 Just a different perspective here. My brother is divorced and remarried. We had a death of an in law recently who his ex wife also knew. She wanted to attend the funeral, but he didn't want her to. She attended anyway and he went with his wife. He finds it very uncomfortable having his wife and ex wife in the same place. I wanted his ex to attend a recent event and he made it clear he would rather she didn't attend. It may just be that everyone else at the funeral has known each other for years and you would be the newbie and he'd have to stick with you throughout the funeral and the reception because you don't know anyone else there. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Just a different perspective here. My brother is divorced and remarried. We had a death of an in law recently who his ex wife also knew. She wanted to attend the funeral, but he didn't want her to. She attended anyway and he went with his wife. He finds it very uncomfortable having his wife and ex wife in the same place. I wanted his ex to attend a recent event and he made it clear he would rather she didn't attend. It may just be that everyone else at the funeral has known each other for years and you would be the newbie and he'd have to stick with you throughout the funeral and the reception because you don't know anyone else there. Then he should have taken his WIFE not his ex. I can hear the conversation now "Hey Maggie, Tom um where is your wife Tom I don't see her. I told her oops, she couldn't make it." He is going to spend the entire time explaining why his wife is not there. Link to post Share on other sites
tounces7 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 I just have one question - How far away was this funeral? I mean, is this a "They drove together because gas was a real consideration" thing, or a "just down the block" kind of thing? Also important - who initiated their divorce? And is she remarried as well? Because if she's remarried and she initiated the divorce you probably don't have much to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Then he should have taken his WIFE not his ex. I can hear the conversation now "Hey Maggie, Tom um where is your wife Tom I don't see her. I told her oops, she couldn't make it." He is going to spend the entire time explaining why his wife is not there. You mean the OPs SO? If so I agree. I really don't see why he and her went in the same car. My point was that he probably didn't want the both of them at the funeral and felt his Ex knew the deceased well, so she would have to attend. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 He is going to the funeral of an old friend. There will be there a group of people you do not know, talk about a past you know nothing about, they will remember moments they shared with this person that you know nothing about. They will all relate together and there you will be, standing by your boyfriend completely mute and unable to participate in their reminiscence. You will be like a little puppy following him around. Then the evening will go on with a meal. Again you will be sitting with a bunch of people that have a common past and you'll be there bored as hell. I can see from here how this would unfold. Then you'd get back home and complain to him he did not give you attention while over there. You'll inquire about some of those stories you heard and he does not necessarily wants to go into. Let him go to this funeral like a big boy. The ex is there so what? Is there any particular reasons you don't trust your guy? You remind me of when my daughter broke her arm the day before moving. I called her father, a man I had been divorced from for 12 years. I said he had to come and help us. He did but his wife had a huge fit, she did not like him and I together in our daughter's apartment. I hate this sh$t!! We have an adult daughter with a broken arm, a moving truck at the door, and she was afraid we would start banging each other after 12 years!! Don't be that kind of woman!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovey34 Posted July 8, 2016 Author Share Posted July 8, 2016 you must have me mistaken with your own personal experiences. first of all, i did know the deceased, and his wife.We have hung out on numerous occasions and have memories of our own. Second, i have no issue with her. when you have children together this is a whole other ball game. You are confusing me and have me dearly mistaken for an insecure woman. If you read the post you would know all these tiny details that mean the most. I also agree with most of the commenters that he made the mistake in not taking me. if she goes thats fine, thats not my issue at all. I plan on seeing lots of her in the future. Buy why go together, and make it a thing to exclude me? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 you must have me mistaken with your own personal experiences. first of all, i did know the deceased, and his wife.We have hung out on numerous occasions and have memories of our own. Second, i have no issue with her. when you have children together this is a whole other ball game. You are confusing me and have me dearly mistaken for an insecure woman. If you read the post you would know all these tiny details that mean the most. I also agree with most of the commenters that he made the mistake in not taking me. if she goes thats fine, thats not my issue at all. I plan on seeing lots of her in the future. Buy why go together, and make it a thing to exclude me? You did not mention that you knew her, did not mention that you hung out together numerous times and have your own memories. Your post came across as you did not know her or know the deceased. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Then the evening will go on with a meal. Again you will be sitting with a bunch of people that have a common past and you'll be there bored as hell. I can see from here how this would unfold. Then you'd get back home and complain to him he did not give you attention while over there. You'll inquire about some of those stories you heard and he does not necessarily wants to go into. Only childish, insecure people would act like this. As adults, most of us realize that funerals are about grieving and comforting those who are grieving....not acting like a small child who needs to be entertained. It was really insulting to the OP to infer that she would act like you quoted regardless if she knew the people or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 you must have me mistaken with your own personal experiences. first of all, i did know the deceased, and his wife.We have hung out on numerous occasions and have memories of our own. Second, i have no issue with her. when you have children together this is a whole other ball game. You are confusing me and have me dearly mistaken for an insecure woman. If you read the post you would know all these tiny details that mean the most. I also agree with most of the commenters that he made the mistake in not taking me. if she goes thats fine, thats not my issue at all. I plan on seeing lots of her in the future. Buy why go together, and make it a thing to exclude me? I repeat -- his actions are inexcusable. I don't care if this was a funeral or any other tragic event. Who one earth defers to their ex over their wife and expects that to be ok? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Then the evening will go on with a meal. Again you will be sitting with a bunch of people that have a common past and you'll be there bored as hell. I can see from here how this would unfold. Then you'd get back home and complain to him he did not give you attention while over there. You'll inquire about some of those stories you heard and he does not necessarily wants to go into. Only a childish, immature adult would act like that during a funeral or the luncheon. As adults, most of us know that funerals are about grieving and supporting those who are grieving. It's pretty insulting to the OP to infer that she would act like a child. According to the OP, all she did was ask if she could go..nothing more, then she came to this forum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Deidre Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 The problem isn't that the ex wife was invited, but that you weren't. This is why I don't date divorced men. lol Just too much ex drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Only a childish, immature adult would act like that during a funeral or the luncheon. As adults, most of us know that funerals are about grieving and supporting those who are grieving. It's pretty insulting to the OP to infer that she would act like a child. According to the OP, all she did was ask if she could go..nothing more, then she came to this forum. The world is full of immature adults, just hang in here for a while you'll see. I have based my answer on the fact these were her boyfriend's friends not hers. In her #1 post she says: Ive met her and the friend that have passed away on a few occasions but nothing to personal. This indicates they were just acquaintances to her. My reply is based on that. THEN afterwards she comes in and react to my post by saying they had a relationship and they had memories together etc etc. So which one is it??It's not because my opinion is different that it's irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Let him go to this funeral like a big boy. The ex is there so what? There is a big difference to him going to the funeral on his own where "The ex is there", and him driving to the funeral with the ex where he specifically take the ex and tells his wife not to go because it would make things uncomfortable for the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 The problem isn't that the ex wife was invited, but that you weren't. This is why I don't date divorced men. lol Just too much ex drama. As for the invite, it is not uncommon to email only one member of a married couple when both are meant to come, so I call bull to the husband's notion that the wife was being deliberately excluded by the host. For the OP's husband to say otherwise, was just a dishonest way to exclude the wife so that he could go with the ex without her. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 I repeat -- his actions are inexcusable. I don't care if this was a funeral or any other tragic event. Who one earth defers to their ex over their wife and expects that to be ok? She's not his wife. If you read this posters other thread you'll see that this guy is her boyfriend of one year. They don't live together and he is abusive towards her children. OP why in the world are you with this guy? He's terrible! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 She's not his wife. If you read this posters other thread you'll see that this guy is her boyfriend of one year. They don't live together and he is abusive towards her children. OP why in the world are you with this guy? He's terrible! Wow, they do not even live together, and yet as stated in the first post on this thread "the kids are dropped off" (not the OP's kids) by him and his ex so that they can "attend together"? She should have just told him to deal with their children on their own as she will not be the doormat babysitter. I agree why in the world is she with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted July 9, 2016 Share Posted July 9, 2016 Wow, they do not even live together, and yet as stated in the first post on this thread "the kids are dropped off" (not the OP's kids) by him and his ex so that they can "attend together"? She should have just told him to deal with their children on their own as she will not be the doormat babysitter. I agree why in the world is she with this guy. Because she needs confirmation from others that he's a jerk. OP, this man is is a jerk. He's bad news. Stop being a victim and walk! Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted July 9, 2016 Share Posted July 9, 2016 He should know better in that he should have brought you. Look, you met them, and maybe didn't get to know this person in a year and a half too well but it isn't the point. Like George Constanza said on Seinfeld in the one episode where his girlfriend's relative dies "I'm the boyfriend, it is what boyfriends do." In other words it is your job to go to the funeral to be of support of your boyfriend. It doesn't matter if your name wasn't specifically on the invite. You are with him, and should be of comfort to him. Maybe let it go and privately tell him you wish you could have been there to support him since it is what you want to do. Other than that, keep it on the backburner for future use. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 9, 2016 Share Posted July 9, 2016 You did not mention that you knew her, did not mention that you hung out together numerous times and have your own memories. Your post came across as you did not know her or know the deceased. Yes she did. Link to post Share on other sites
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