My story.

June 29, 2016

I apologize as this will probably be a long post, but I appreciate any advice people could give.

So about 3 years back I met this girl. It was through a mutual friend and she expressed interest in me. I thought she was a lovely girl so we starting talking here and there and we ended up getting extremely close. We both fell for each other pretty hard and it was great! As any relationship does we had our ups and downs but nothing seriously bad, just the odd nagging at each other for a couple of minutes and we'd be fine.

She really made me feel alive, and I can say that I looked after her very well. Spoiled her (I wanted to, I loved this girl) and we were very intimate. She had relationships before but said she hadn't felt like this about someone before, the feelings were mutual.

I guess like any relationship things get hard and all the honeymoon phase wears off.

I went through some tough times and cant help but think these put her off of me. My family moved away (I stayed), I lost my job, and I became unhappy. But not with her, she was one of the few things that could cheer me up and when we were together everything was fine.

I struggled to find a job as I work in the arts industry and its super competitive.

She left me at the start of this year after we had come back form a great trip away at New years. Saying that she needed space and felt suffocated, I don't know how, as I would NEVER stop her from doing as she pleased. She said the typical stuff, and me still being in love with this girl took it really hard. It put me even further into a rut. I tried talking to her for maybe a week, but then just stopped. What was the point.

The odd time she was reaching out to me I either wouldn't reply or would a day later.

A month later she called me saying can we meet. I was very excited but kept my cool. She tells me that she made a huge mistake and has always loved me, and that she took me for granted. We pretty much got back together and I finally felt at peace. Even without a steady workload I was still spoiling her and putting in effort, I didn't want to lose her again. I still gave her the space she wanted as well though, because I'd hate for her to feel like she did.

Fast forward 3 months, and I knew something was up with her. We were still normal around each other but she never seemed to be fully back in it. We weren't as intimate as we once used to be and she just didn't seem that interested. I was thinking what am I doing wrong? I am giving this girl everything.

She left me again, saying the same reasons and that the spark was gone. I said to her that a relationship never stays in the honeymoon phase and that we both work together. I was never nasty to her and I just said to her, if it is how you feel then so be it, but are you sure you don;t want to do this anymore? She kept repeating that she didn't know and was hysterically crying. I obviously comforted her and got emotional myself. I didn't leave her house until we had calmed down a little. She walked me to my car and gave me the tightest hug and biggest kiss she had given me in a long time and said "I love and care for you, please just please look after yourself" and she cried again and I told her that I'll always love you and look after yourself too.

It has been a month, I havent seen her around (we live about 5 minutes form each other) she has messaged me once and I didn;t reply straight away, but I had to eventually as it involved something outside of the relationship we had.

Im slowly accepting that it is over, that if she wanted me she would of stayed with me. I care and love this girl to pieces. I'm slowly moving on, but I can't help but feel there is still something left, like the fire hasn't gone out yet. I know you'll think I am in denial, but I wouldn't purposefully put myself through more pain if I didn't feel like there was something left. I can't stop thinking about her.

I've noticed she has been going out drinking and clubbing most weekends now, and seems to be putting on a happy front for social media.

I know most of you will say "why do you want someone whos done this twice" and well I can't really answer that but honestly, I wouldn;t be going through all this trouble If I didnt think it was worth it.

I want to contact her, but I have stopped myself. I know she wouldn't be nasty towards me. She was the last to initiate contact, but I never said anything as it was irrelevant.

Is there anything, ANYTHING, I can do? You'll think Im crazy, but I know there is something left, and I'd fight for her.

Sorry for the long post, I hope that if anyone out there is going through the same thing knows that they aren't alone. Stay positive.

June 29, 2016

I honestly think that you should go NC and not look back. But if you really need to fight for her, you need to first figure out what type of relationship you really want with her. Types of relationships range from those with minimal commitment (let's-see-what-happens type) to those with serious long-term intention and willingness to stick around through tough times. You can give her time to think, but don't accept anything less than what you really want. Know and be able to articulate what you will and won't accept. Don't play games.

You can fight for her, but the down side to "fighting for her" is that you can't really be sure if she were to come back to you, she came back to you because she really wanted to be with you (had you left her alone and let her come back to you on her own) or she caved into the pressure etc.

Good luck.

June 29, 2016

I honestly think that you should go NC and not look back. But if you really need to fight for her, you need to first figure out what type of relationship you really want with her. Types of relationships range from those with minimal commitment (let's-see-what-happens type) to those with serious long-term intention and willingness to stick around through tough times. You can give her time to think, but don't accept anything less than what you really want. Know and be able to articulate what you will and won't accept. Don't play games.

You can fight for her, but the down side to "fighting for her" is that you can't really be sure if she were to come back to you, she came back to you because she really wanted to be with you (had you left her alone and let her come back to you on her own) or she caved into the pressure etc.

Good luck.

Yeah, I have been NC and looking after myself. Maybe I should stick out a bit longer? If I were to contact her whats the best way to do so? I don't want to look needy or anything. She has her birthday coming up in about a months time, Im stuck on whether I should wish her a simple happy birthday or just forget it (although I wouldn't have haha).

Its hard because her parents were so lovely to me, I don;t have any family around and they were also like a second home to me. It was the fathers birthday recently and I just sent a simple text saying Happy Birthday, thanks for being so welcoming. I got a reply saying you know you are always welcome here.

The whole thing sucks haha.

June 29, 2016

Thinking about the "best way" to contact her is playing games. Trying not to look needy is play games. Don't play games. Be upfront about what you need and want. All you can do is give one shot and wait. You said there is still something left there, and if indeed there is still something left there, this should be enough.

Like I said, think about what you want with her. Be clear about your terms and don't accept anything less (e.g., allowing her to date others while she figures things out, etc). Be ready to walk away. I've seen too many people settle for bread crumb treatment just because they want to hold on to the hope. While wanting to hold onto hope is a normal reaction, know that right now you are vulnerable and prone to accepting poor treatment/blurred boundary.

She already knows what you have to offer. You have already done the wooing and spoiling. You have already shown her who you are. There is no more cards left to play. I would still say maintain NC and try to move on, but if you really must push, be honest and limit to giving just one last shot.

June 29, 2016

Yup, if you want to give it one last shot then do it.

It can only be one time! And then walk away, walk away for good.

The ball is in her court, she makes the desicion she wants to come back to you or not.

June 29, 2016

Im thinking of giving it one last shot, and then just leaving it. I know I'd regret it if I didn't!

Im just trying to think what the best way to reach out to her is? I know text messages are plain and simple, but I feel her seeing me in person would have more of an impact, it's just getting to see her in person which is going to be the tricky part!

I'd love to just move on, but there is that thought at the back of my head that I just can't until I've either tried, or there is full closure. As the break up didn't really have much closure.

Thanks for the advice guys, hope you're all well.

June 30, 2016

Anyone else been in the same situation? No negativity in the breakup, unsure how to either give it that last shot so there are no regrets or get the closure you need to fully move on?

Thanks

June 30, 2016

I know you'll think I am in denial, but I wouldn't purposefully put myself through more pain if I didn't feel like there was something left.

I know you're in denial and yes you absolutely are slowly cutting your arm off for something left, only it's just in your head.

How do I know? I was/am there too! My mind cooked up elaborate stories of "how there was something left." It still does!

seriously, go tell her what you want and she can cry and act confused again but you'll leave alone, again (third time).

There is no regret you don't make up in your head. The only real regret is more time wasted on her. There is no closure, except your own. Closure is knowing it's nothing you did or could do, she wasnt attracted anymore. The fact is she's gone, she loves you but wants other dicks. Be you and you'll meet a girl who wants all of you.

P.S. - be mindful the spoiling, lack of intimacy from her, needy desire for last ditch contact, are possibly signs of codependency on your part.

Edited June 30, 2016 by bummer

June 30, 2016

Im thinking of giving it one last shot, and then just leaving it. I know I'd regret it if I didn't!

Im just trying to think what the best way to reach out to her is? I know text messages are plain and simple, but I feel her seeing me in person would have more of an impact, it's just getting to see her in person which is going to be the tricky part!

I'd love to just move on, but there is that thought at the back of my head that I just can't until I've either tried, or there is full closure. As the break up didn't really have much closure.

Thanks for the advice guys, hope you're all well.

Seems like you have started to get used to being split up with her and in my opinion, by trying again, your setting yourself up again for another let down and all that will do is put you back at square one and you start all over. If she really had an interest, she wouldn't have broken up with you twice.

Move on and find someone new. I think this relationship has run it's course.

June 30, 2016

Thanks guys, the hard truth helps I guess. Just so hard with no one around to support me through this time.

I have a couple other questions, would there be any reason why she hasn't deleted stuff of us off of her social media? And say out of chance we bump into each other (we live about 5 mins from each other) whats the best thing for me to do? I'd feel pretty rude completely ignoring her, as I said there is no negativity between us.

June 30, 2016

Thanks guys, the hard truth helps I guess. Just so hard with no one around to support me through this time.

I have a couple other questions, would there be any reason why she hasn't deleted stuff of us off of her social media? And say out of chance we bump into each other (we live about 5 mins from each other) whats the best thing for me to do? I'd feel pretty rude completely ignoring her, as I said there is no negativity between us.

Phone a friend!

1. Even exes have souls and a conscience. She still values that time together and sharing it. You should too. I never understand the scorched earth technique except when chasing someone new who you don't want to see your ex. Take it as a good sign.

2. No negativity? Be the coolest classiest cucumber in town. Say good morning and smile. Say good night and smile. Even if she walks by with another dude. Remember, cool cucumber, not nervous or jealous cucumber.

June 30, 2016

Give it another shot, let her know how you feel. But first look at what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you see a future with this woman what are you doing now or working towards to support her? I understand that getting a job is difficult, while you wait for what you do what to do find something that can pay the bills. Find a place where you can be happy with who you are and what you have done and if she decides to join you on that journey all the better. Best of luck!

June 30, 2016

Go NC, for your own sake. The reason she came back to you the first time was that it didn't work out with the guy she was banging and she knew you'd be there holding the welcome mat for her. But the problems in your relationship didn't change so the same thing happened again, but this time she is still in her relationship. She will come crawling back all penitent when this one breaks up to. Don't be the guy with the puppy dog eyes who waits patiently until she deigns to give you another scratch behind the ears... just call this relationship ended, and go on with your life.

July 1, 2016

How can I take my mind off of it/her?

Everything I do or see reminds me about her, and I find myself not moving forward when I want to.

July 1, 2016

Block everything on her, social media, phone, maybe a good Time to relocate.

Get rid of everything about her, pics, etc.

She dumped you twice why go for three?

July 1, 2016

I'm not trying for a third, I'm trying to bring myself out of this rut and move on with my life. I just need advice on how to do so, how did you all stop the thoughts?

July 1, 2016

I'm not trying for a third, I'm trying to bring myself out of this rut and move on with my life. I just need advice on how to do so, how did you all stop the thoughts?

Ahh, the promise land of NC. I'm here too, just grieving and biding my time until the pain of losing my ex is less than my desire for new connections.

-Read many threads under "coping" for tips.

-Distractions help but I think feeling the feels is key.

-Exercise for self image and endorphins. Smile!

-Talk it out. cry it out.

-Dont date until you're healed. You'll sabotage it.

-Time is relative to your situation. It will take time.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion

Post updates in your thread or here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/437592-how-you-coping-today

July 1, 2016

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been there too. Like the above post said, reading up on tips and the process of grieving helped me a lot. It will take a while but work on finding the right balance between keeping yourself busy and grieving and accepting the loss. I read that keeping yourself busy (especially with new experiences) helps create new memories that will compete for space in your mind. But also know that it's OK and normal for you to feel sad or get a little obsessive. Understand that these feelings happen and be kind to yourself. Good luck.

July 3, 2016

It has been just over a month since my girlfriend left me, it was pretty civil and no negativity between us.

I've accepted she is more than likely moving on, getting with other dudes, you know.

I want to move forward, I really do. But something in me just wont let it go, I don't know what it is. I am telling myself it is done every day, I've been focusing on myself, gone away on holiday, been around friends. Why can't I seem to let go? I am trying and I want to, but just can't.

What do you do on your bad days, because today is one of those days. All the thoughts running through my head are about her, but I know at this point she couldn't care less.

July 3, 2016

Jam...

I feel like we are going through the same thing. No negativity, just someone who is completely unsure of what they have.

It's been 6 months since my relationship of 6 years ended and I'll say this. I still think about her everyday. I started lifting everyday so that I could have 2 hours of just releasing endorphins and feeling good. Once I started to lose weight (lost 25 pounds since January 1st) I started to get my confidence back. Just talking to girls, not necessarily getting with them, made me feel confident that I was going to be just fine, even while my ex was on my mind. You have to find your release somewhere, for me it was the gym, for some other's it's the forums on this site. When you find it, stick with it.

It's tough, I know. Hang in there, bud.

July 3, 2016

Jam...

I feel like we are going through the same thing. No negativity, just someone who is completely unsure of what they have.

It's been 6 months since my relationship of 6 years ended and I'll say this. I still think about her everyday. I started lifting everyday so that I could have 2 hours of just releasing endorphins and feeling good. Once I started to lose weight (lost 25 pounds since January 1st) I started to get my confidence back. Just talking to girls, not necessarily getting with them, made me feel confident that I was going to be just fine, even while my ex was on my mind. You have to find your release somewhere, for me it was the gym, for some other's it's the forums on this site. When you find it, stick with it.

It's tough, I know. Hang in there, bud.

Thank you, your kind words help. Do you ever get an overwhelming feeling of contacting her? I get that feeling, and I don't because I talk myself out of it. It is strange though because I really do want to move forward and just be me, but something is stopping me. I've figured she isn't coming back and shes probably talking and seeing other men. Maybe it is because I have a smidgen of hope? But at the same time I don't.

I obviously still have feelings for her, I just need the power to let go.

I am thinking of joining the gym.

July 3, 2016

Do I ever get an overwhelming feeling of contacting her? I do. And I cave. You can read all the coping mechanisms and best practices but ultimately you're the only one who can decide what's best. If you decide to torture yourself, like I sometimes do, then you have to restart the progress you've made.

My ex is going through serious behaviorial health issues, so that's why I feel like I shouldn't give up but I don't pass up the oporuntity to meet new people. It's tough and it sucks and it might not be what I want to do, but you can't pass things up in hopes that something else will return. If you didn't have hope, I think you would have let go, but if it was easy, none of us would be in this situation

July 4, 2016

I have another question.

It is her birthday in over a month, is simply saying "happy birthday" to much?

I don't have any hope or don't expect a reply. I just genuinely want to be a good person.

July 4, 2016

No, stay nc.

She doesn't care or she wouldn't have dumped you

July 4, 2016

Maybe it is because I have a smidgen of hope? But at the same time I don't.

I obviously still have feelings for her, I just need the power to let go.

Crush that smidgen of false hope like it was radioactive waste stuck inside you. Get rid of it. Exorcism style. Best way for me to lose that hope was when I did break NC and she told me about the new "pretty perfect" dude she met a week after we broke up. Convince yourself she has moved on already.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/586728-someone-just-tell-me-s-lonliness

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