Author MidnightBlue1980 Posted June 27, 2016 Author Share Posted June 27, 2016 Because your the one that got emotionally tangled up, and not truly wanting to let go. What I get it you wanting it to be over and to be able to move forward but not actually willing to start stepping. You are right. I've made some half-hearted attempts but I allowed xMM to try to come right back as a friend and this guy is not my friend. I've wallowed for 6 months over this guy - a guy that really was horrible to me during the affair and after. He just used me and I let him...and went back for more. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 I'm trying not to have to burn it all down to get over this guy. I dunno - I think torching it may be the best thing for both of you... You can't get out of the fog until you have enough time and space between you for it to lift. Even if when the fog lifts your decision is that you're unhappy with your husband, you won't actually know this until and unless you are judging him for who is is not comparing him to the fictional character you created in your AP. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 I'm going to completely disagree with this. There were times in MC when something fell out of my husband's lips that was so bizarre and fictional that even as he was saying it he would peter out before completing the sentence. He remembered conversations he had his xOW about things he claims he had discussed with me that never happened. NEVER HAPPENED. He didn't realize how big his lies had become until we started peeling the layers back. He had completely changed the backstory of our marriage and had managed to develop so much contempt for me that I was afraid he would never come out of the fog. He had to make me into the devil incarnate to justify his affair because when he started pushing me away more and more, but came home from being with her and I had still cooked him a nice dinner and bought him gifts for father's day and and put cute notes in his lunches... he had to fabricate how horrible I was and force himself to stop feeling any love or respect for me in order to make himself feel better about what he was doing. Do NOT underestimate the power of the fog over the thoughts and actions of either WS or AP. Midnight, I don't think you're running by taking a new position. In fact, I think it's beneficial to both of you. For you because it will make it easier to go NC, and for you BS because it will show him a deep commitment to the R, even if he says he supports you confronting it head on. Using your own analogy, trying to quit your AP while working with him is a bit like sitting in the smoking lounge when you're trying to give up smoking... I can explain the difference but not here.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Honestly, it just sounds like the dust has settled from D-Day and they're 'rebuilding' so he thinks it's ok to start sneaking out again and fooling around once more. Because he's JUST that special that he deserves to have two women wanting him. He's not in your affair for love. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 The affair ended 6 months ago. xMM told his wife a distorted version after it had ended as my H felt she needed to know. My H and his wife spoke and he told her the truth, though I doubt she believed him. It's a long story, I posted it here. My H had his A and he's fine, in fact he says it improved our marriage. He's seen OW and she's fine, a boyfriend now and bought a house. xMM and his wife are back, better than ever, even having sex again. Everyone is peachy and better after the affairs except me. I just want my mental anguish to end. I want to be at peace. Do you think your husband and MM's wife would agree that the affair is over if they knew you and MM still speak and see each other? If it's something you two are hiding from your spouses, it's still an affair. Perhaps the physical part ended but the emotional affair is ongoing. It's spectacularly unfair to you and to both of your spouses for you and MM to try to be friends. To your spouses for obvious reasons, and to you because it's preventing you from getting over it. Both you and MM have a very important decision to make..the sooner you make it, the sooner you can all begin healing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Lord midnight, I think your husband thinks you are way out of his league. Every response of his you share sounds like a guy desperate to hold onto what he has by saying using the latest and greatest psycho babble. He said "hang out with your male friends we are progressive" I hear I am not good enough to hang with you and them". He says perhaps an open marriage, I hear an unending Plan A from MB. You mentioned a while ago his parents do not respect his choice to be a stay out home dad. Did you ever back his parents into a corner and level them saying to his dad "get lost he is more of a man than you ever will"? Did you ever say that to MOM? Isn't that what his AP did for him? I don't want to be one side so on the other hand did he ever stand up for you? If so how? I don't mean just looking for you all night like he did when you checked into a hotel room and the MOM left you to rot. I mean defending you to his family and friends? I might be over sensitive to this because early on I noticed my ex didn't. My role was never acknowledge in nearly every thing. I hired a friend of her's who was legally blind to help with putting a room into the basement. Everything was X did this, X did that the fact I was there when he was and spent nearly as much time alone was never mentioned. Does he ever perform random acts of kindness? Do you find some gifts at times? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MidnightBlue1980 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 Lord midnight, I think your husband thinks you are way out of his league. Every response of his you share sounds like a guy desperate to hold onto what he has by saying using the latest and greatest psycho babble. He said "hang out with your male friends we are progressive" I hear I am not good enough to hang with you and them". He says perhaps an open marriage, I hear an unending Plan A from MB. You mentioned a while ago his parents do not respect his choice to be a stay out home dad. Did you ever back his parents into a corner and level them saying to his dad "get lost he is more of a man than you ever will"? Did you ever say that to MOM? Isn't that what his AP did for him? I don't want to be one side so on the other hand did he ever stand up for you? If so how? I don't mean just looking for you all night like he did when you checked into a hotel room and the MOM left you to rot. I mean defending you to his family and friends? I might be over sensitive to this because early on I noticed my ex didn't. My role was never acknowledge in nearly every thing. I hired a friend of her's who was legally blind to help with putting a room into the basement. Everything was X did this, X did that the fact I was there when he was and spent nearly as much time alone was never mentioned. Does he ever perform random acts of kindness? Do you find some gifts at times? My H does think I am out of his league. Yes. I really am not that special, I do have a business but it's nothing terribly sexy, honestly. I did not have the family backing he had, so I just had to always work hard to make sure I did not end up living in a box on the corner. Most guys were interested in me physically but then either fought to knock me down as they felt intimidated (ex husband) or lost interest after the newness wore off as they just preferred a more traditional type of woman (docile). H was the only one to not to either of those things. He was supportive of my business drive and did not challenge my independence. He did not play games, treated me well enough. He had his own agenda, he wanted kids and to stay home and raise them and I could support us. Many women pick a man for these reasons, so I can't really judge him. It worked for a long time but obviously here I am so both of us ended up with other people for our own reasons. He picked a total trainwreck who thought he was a star and I picked a guy who I thought was a real man. He says now that he said open marriage because he wanted to do whatever I needed but I don't know - he seemed pretty happy talking to her and he went out with her. I think he was just going through an identity crisis after 8 years of staying at home. I honestly don't judge him, I was just as bad. Yes, he does random acts of kindness. He has been making up for the years of basically treating me like a giant wallet. He is getting a job and says he is looking forward to being able to supporting me so I can just work on my business and not to have a second job (I worked a full time job on the side for years). I've never had anyone want to take care of me. It would be nice. As for MM, I never put my H down like he put his wife down. I agreed to the arrangement and our kids are a lot better than if I raised them from birth. My daughter's self esteem at 7 is higher than mine at 40. I never cared if he worked but I just got tired, I was doing 70 hours a week and we just need money now. MM would put my H down but I would defend him. To be honest, we talked more about his marriage than mine. I was always upfront that I loved my H and we still had sex. I really did not complain about him. I was just lonely for years. Did H stand up for me? He defended our life to his family but it was more like me standing up for him. But no one was really attacking me. Even when this all came out, his family blamed him for my affair, which I actually don't agree with (although it is nice my inlaws don't throw rocks at me) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MidnightBlue1980 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 Do you think your husband and MM's wife would agree that the affair is over if they knew you and MM still speak and see each other? If it's something you two are hiding from your spouses, it's still an affair. Perhaps the physical part ended but the emotional affair is ongoing. It's spectacularly unfair to you and to both of your spouses for you and MM to try to be friends. To your spouses for obvious reasons, and to you because it's preventing you from getting over it. Both you and MM have a very important decision to make..the sooner you make it, the sooner you can all begin healing. Well, they know we see and speak with each other, but I know what you mean. xMM's wife would be horrified to know that during their counseling, he was telling me he loved me. Keep in mind I only found out about the counseling a week ago. You are correct, they do not want us to be friends. I cannot speak for his wife but my husband said it's actually not because of what happened, it's because he truly believes xMM is a terrible person and he does not want me near him. You are painting MM like a nice guy like the guys who post here. He is not. He has no interest in healing. I do though. I saw him today, we see each other once a week. It was very bad. He told me how he lies in counseling, she does not know that he loves me. He was like, are you crazy, why would I tell her that? And then he said I was acting crazy, making him uncomfortable with my personal questions over text, he really just wanted to be friends. I reminded him how for the last 6 weeks he had been sending me I love yous, terms of endearment, sexual stuff, memory lane. Now that the cat is out of the bag, I am the crazy one? I do not want to be his friend at all. He treats me like this - he will contact me to get attention, when I respond, he ignores me and acts like I am crazy. Why can't I just chill? I was extremely upset at the meeting. People were asking what was wrong. I dont have to see him for 2 weeks now, so I am a little relieved at that. I told my one friend there that I swear, I will not respond to him. It's as if he is trying to break me. I've heard him belittle his wife. Now I am getting the same treatment. Thanks for listening. This board helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Long story short - I'm married, he's married. I have been on both sides of the infidelity issue. I had an affair, and my long time fiance prior to my marriage had an affair. Affairs always involve lies. Being that you are married too, you must know that. So why are you surprised that he was lying to you or at the very least confused about the truth or distorting the truth? I don't so much want someone to explain this guy to me as to explain this pattern. What will come next and what can I do to protect myself? 6 weeks later, I find out in May he started marriage counseling to fix the marriage and he's been lying to me, He is likely addicted to the affair high. Until he detoxes completely he may try to contact you a few more times, to revisit that affair high. You can hasten his detox by refusing to respond if he contacts you. If he runs into you on the street, simply walk away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MidnightBlue1980 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 I have been on both sides of the infidelity issue. I had an affair, and my long time fiance prior to my marriage had an affair. Affairs always involve lies. Being that you are married too, you must know that. So why are you surprised that he was lying to you or at the very least confused about the truth or distorting the truth? I didn't realize the extent that he lies. Now I do. I am getting away from him before I end up in jail. I was so angry today. He had wanted to speak privately to me but I didn't. I could have attacked him and I don't mean sexually. I was so angry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 (edited) I didn't realize the extent that he lies. Now I do. I am getting away from him before I end up in jail. I was so angry today. He had wanted to speak privately to me but I didn't. I could have attacked him and I don't mean sexually. I was so angry. IMO, refusing to engage with him is the best choice. I am sorry you were hurt so badly. You may also be somewhat addicted to him too. Sexual contact can influence brain chemistry in a way that is addictive to some. That is a scientific fact. So, staying away from him will help you move on more quickly and break your attraction to him. Edited June 28, 2016 by Liam1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Remaining friends/in contact with mm is a huge risk to your marriage. Is being treated like dirt by this guy worth the risk? It sounds like you are an attractive woman who is financially stable and if single would probably be totally out of his league. Why waste your time even thinking about him? I mean, if you want to waste your time thinking about folks who will treat you bad no matter what you do, I'm sure there's an election coming up somewhere.... [that's a joke, please don't kill me!!!] 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MidnightBlue1980 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 IMO, refusing to engage with him is the best choice. I am sorry you were hurt so badly. You may also be somewhat addicted to him too. Sexual contact can influence brain chemistry in a way that is addictive to some. That is a scientific fact. So, staying away from him will help you move on more quickly and break your attraction to him. Yes. It is an addiction and he keeps it alive with intermittent reinforcement. They call it here - breadcrumbs. I will admit the reason I spoke to him today was last Wednesday he told me that I come up in their marriage counseling (keep in mind I had just learned this was going on for 6 weeks) and that the counselor had asked him if he loved me. I asked, what did you say? And he said he would tell me next Tuesday. He refused to even write yes or no. omg, I was so upset at him. Control games. I admit I knew I should not even ask today but I did and he said, 'no of course not. Why would I admit that to her? ' and then ' you are making me uncomfortable with all your personal questions anyway. I just want to be friends.' He is lucky I did not stab him with a fork. Anyway, I spoke with a friend in the group and I am feeling better. I am *again* ready to do no contact. I will not talk / email /text, nothing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 He is lucky I did not stab him with a fork. Anyway, I spoke with a friend in the group and I am feeling better. I am *again* ready to do no contact. I will not talk / email /text, nothing. Oh, you totally should have stabbed him with a fork! LOL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MidnightBlue1980 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 Oh, you totally should have stabbed him with a fork! LOL He may have eaten the fork if I held it up. He put on 25 lbs since we ended the affair. He blames his wife of course, like he blames her for everything in his life. She is heavy, has always been, but he married her and now he matches her again. When we first got together, he lost a lot of weight but now he has ballooned up again. I no longer feel sorry for people though. He is not in a Chinese prison. He can cook something for himself. Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 He may have eaten the fork if I held it up. He put on 25 lbs since we ended the affair. He blames his wife of course, like he blames her for everything in his life. She is heavy, has always been, but he married her and now he matches her again. When we first got together, he lost a lot of weight but now he has ballooned up again. I no longer feel sorry for people though. He is not in a Chinese prison. He can cook something for himself. Use this as fuel to move on. There's really nothing appealing about this guy Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 This is your second marriage if I recall correctly. The first ended because you cheated. Maybe marriage isn't for you. You want what isn't yours. I apologise if I've mixed you up with another member here. Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 (edited) Midnight, great to see you posting again - you helped me a lot when I was really in the depths of despair a few months back. Good to see you thinking clearly and determined to get into full NC. I agree with Liam and other posters - this is how you will find freedom and clarity. It's the only virtually certain way to get over an affair. Good luck and keep posting midnight. You can have a happy life again. Oh, and as for your MM putting on 25 lb, I can beat that unfortunately - 55lb gained since January - I blame no one but myself I swapped my addiction to the OW for a new addiction to pizza and cake! But I'm feeling strong enough to do something about it - I will consider my strategy carefully tomorrow..... At lunch time..... In pizza hut Edited June 28, 2016 by jenkins95 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MidnightBlue1980 Posted June 29, 2016 Author Share Posted June 29, 2016 Midnight, great to see you posting again - you helped me a lot when I was really in the depths of despair a few months back. Good to see you thinking clearly and determined to get into full NC. I agree with Liam and other posters - this is how you will find freedom and clarity. It's the only virtually certain way to get over an affair. Good luck and keep posting midnight. You can have a happy life again. Oh, and as for your MM putting on 25 lb, I can beat that unfortunately - 55lb gained since January - I blame no one but myself I swapped my addiction to the OW for a new addiction to pizza and cake! But I'm feeling strong enough to do something about it - I will consider my strategy carefully tomorrow..... At lunch time..... In pizza hut Hi Jenkins. I did not realize I helped you. That is really nice to hear. I love pizza and cake and with my kids, it's always in the house. I have a fitbit and my husband and I get my daily steps with or without the kids each day. It takes at least an hour and its good talking time. I've dropped weight. Just an idea to get healthy and spend time with your wife. As for me, I am okay. I was so angry yesterday but I'm not much of anything today. He has not contacted me and I know he won't, since he's now back in the marriage plus I acted really crazy and he is not sure what I am going to do next. This time is different though. He treated me like this annoyance yesterday and I admit it, I've been pathetically chasing this guy and begging for scraps of attention, puffing his ego up I am positive. I am not a kid and I'm disgusted at myself for falling so far. Once he realizes I am not going to do anything and needs an ego boast, he will be back. I'll be ready this time to not respond. When I see him I will ignore him. I'm striving for indifference. Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Yes. It is an addiction and he keeps it alive with intermittent reinforcement. They call it here - breadcrumbs. I will admit the reason I spoke to him today was last Wednesday he told me that I come up in their marriage counseling (keep in mind I had just learned this was going on for 6 weeks) and that the counselor had asked him if he loved me. I asked, what did you say? And he said he would tell me next Tuesday. He refused to even write yes or no. omg, I was so upset at him. Control games. I admit I knew I should not even ask today but I did and he said, 'no of course not. Why would I admit that to her? ' and then ' you are making me uncomfortable with all your personal questions anyway. I just want to be friends.' He is lucky I did not stab him with a fork. Anyway, I spoke with a friend in the group and I am feeling better. I am *again* ready to do no contact. I will not talk / email /text, nothing. MidKnight: As you know this guy is playing control games. He wants to keep you both. Unless all you want is an affair and not a real relationship, you deserve better. Based on what you have told me, I do not even know this guy and I would gladly stab him with a fork. Do not do it though. You will only get yourself in trouble. Cut him off, pronto. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Is there a way you can set up an autoforward any emails/texts to go to his wife's account? That should shut him down pretty quickly.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MidnightBlue1980 Posted June 29, 2016 Author Share Posted June 29, 2016 Is there a way you can set up an autoforward any emails/texts to go to his wife's account? That should shut him down pretty quickly.... She really knows only pieces of it all. It's not really in my best professional interest to have her blow it all up. Trying to get revenue would only hurt me as well. He has not contacted me but if he does, I plan to just ignore him. I'm pushing a year here now. I really would like to just not care at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 She really knows only pieces of it all. It's not really in my best professional interest to have her blow it all up. Trying to get revenue would only hurt me as well. He has not contacted me but if he does, I plan to just ignore him. I'm pushing a year here now. I really would like to just not care at all. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MidnightBlue1980 Posted June 29, 2016 Author Share Posted June 29, 2016 The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference... Exactly! I meant revenge not revenue. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Exactly! I meant revenge not revenue. I figured as much, though extortion could be profitable if your xMM was wealthy... lol Link to post Share on other sites
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