Can my marriage be saved?

[Cephalopod]

Wow...that's....an interesting life you have led.

[GreyKitten87]

Oh my goodness... So many things I want to say.

 

There has been irreparable damage done, on both sides, and I honestly don't think some of it can be repaired, but it is possible for you both to forgive and move forward (just know these things will always linger in the background no matter what).

 

Here's the thing, she sounds like the "bad guy" right now because she is still dating. However, you are both equally guilty. You may not have slept with that other girl, but you were married and still went on several dates and kissed her. The damage is done, end of story. I can understand why your wife won't stop dating the other guy, honestly I wouldn't either. She is hurt, she is very HURT, she still loves you but part of your relationship is broken now and she probably doesn't know exactly where to go from here. At this point it does not matter that you only dated the other girl a little bit vs your wife dating and sleeping with five different guys (just as an example) because the damage was done as soon as your wife came to you and was upset after that other girl was briefly in the picture and you pushed her away; that CANNOT be undone!!!

 

I do not think this can be repaired (unless you are willing to invest in years of marriage counseling, many sleepless nights, tears, and her possibly still dating other men for a while). It may seem right now like you want this marriage and want it to work, but obviously you had doubts. Are you truly willing to put all that work into it and still possibly have your heart broken?

[BluesPower]

Yes you are an idiot, are you out of your mind? What the hell were you thinking?

 

Dude, I don't know if you can save this? But first try growing up and becoming a man.

 

Guys am I wrong here? Am I really missing something important.

 

Look, you either love the girl or you don't. It does not matter about anything else. You don't offer for her to start screwing other guys for fun and expect her not to get less attached to you and more attached to the FB's.

 

And your emotional issues, I guess the ones that make you a passive child, you need to get over it or get on meds because you are screwing your life up.

 

Is this even a real post or some kink of troll?

 

I would like you to respond to either my points or questions or both if you can. I know what I am saying is upsetting you.

 

I just think you need to grow up.

[Cephalopod]

Um...

 

I don't think he is with that first wife anymore. I think he has a second or third wife now and they have three kids. His original posting was eleven years ago.

 

bout a year later, I finished my BSEE (at 32, started arounmd 27), had a nice graduation party, and met my wife.

 

Part 3.... well, after I sleep I'll post something less self-indulgent.

 

But:

 

1. It's never easy.

2. I'd be dead without her, no question.

3. Boys 7 and 4, baby girl almost 2. (We're stopping at one kid.)

4. It'll be 8 years in October. It has not been an easy journey, but we're both committed. (I actually told her up front that, if this wasn't working out, please just whack me in the head with a shovel and bury me in the back yard. I'm done after three tries.)

Edited August 23, 2016 by Cephalopod

[standtall]

Wow..nice follow up from your derailed train of a life early on. Congrats.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you so much for coming back here & updating on your life. So very few do & I wish they would!

 

On forums like this we are always reading the middle (or end) of the nightmare. It's so interesting to learn the rest of the journey. We can all learn from this!

 

Sorry, I'll admit I was on your Wife no.1's side when I started reading (I didn't notice that the first posts were from so many years ago.) I'm very bias because of my current situation. I'm a twice betrayed (mostly emotional affairs) by my childhood sweetheart husband.

 

When you're together for so long, highs & lows, births & deaths, from a young age that person becomes your family. We grow & mature so much in our 20's. I now think no-one should marry much before 30!

 

People do dumb things & until you're on the receiving end of a blind-side adultery you can't imagine what it feels like, the damage done. I've invested 26 years of my life, 20th wedding anniversary this month, 2 beautiful children. I don't think I can stay married & it's killing me. It's like a close family members death. It breaks my heart.

 

If I'd divorced my H the first time he was unfaithful I would now be living a completely different life. I'm still crazy, swinging back & forth. Today I believe that if your love, your lifelong love story betrays you, you will be forever broken. The only hope of renewed faith & innocence is to divorce & start again 'clean'. I'm a hapless romantic living a dead marriage with the love of my life.

 

I love him & I hate him for doing this to US, to our family.

 

Tomorrow I might believe that what we had, I mean 'what we have?', is too precious to give-up on. I don't know!

 

 

Do you know what happened in your first wife's life or don't you want to know?

 

All the best for your future. They say 3rd time is a charm!!!

[Just a Guy]

Wow! Just wow! Kudos to you OP for coming back and taking the trouble to finish off your story for the benefit of those on LS, who could benefit from it. Usually one gets to read of so many cases on here which remain unresolved and incomplete and leave one wondering if things eventually worked out for the person who posted his painful story here. In OP's case I think those who are facing a similar situation, valuable lessons can be drawn and a clear picture of how things will pan out in the long run in their own cases, will become apparent to them. Of course individual cases and how things eventually resolve themselves, will vary according to the personalities involved and the circumstances that govern them. However to my mind, the fundamentals of a situation such as what the OP faced, remain similar, if not identical, and that will determine how the cards are dealt and what the result will be.

 

It takes a special kind of person for him to come back and detail the chronicle of the sad events in his life for the benefit of others and also to provide a closure to some of those who supported them in their time of need. People like JMargel and others may now not be around but if they have been browsing these forums unobtrusively, I am sure they will appreciate the OP's gesture. I propose Five Gold Stars for the OP. Cheers!

[greenshift]

Is this even a real post or some kink of troll?

 

Taps. Foot.

 

You know, I looked at this post about a month ago, and I decided not to respond to it. But, it's late, I'm compiling a 113GB project (it's a lot, for those that don't know) and the computer is heating up my office and I have some time. SO.

 

 

I would like you to respond to either my points or questions or both if you can. I know what I am saying is upsetting you.

 

Upset? I've got three kids. Oldest (7) has Asperger's (which we are apparently calling ASD these days), and tried to beat the crap out of his 2nd grade crush today. I make WAY north of 6 digits and am miraculously flat broke. My wife just fostered a dog that looks like he's already been embalmed, and I may have violated an NDA by talking too loudly at a bar.

 

Believe me - your comments are not exactly at the top of my List Of Upsetting Things.

 

You don't offer for her to start screwing other guys for fun and...

 

Did you even read the earlier posts? I didn't offer.

 

And your emotional issues, I guess the ones that make you a passive child, you need to get over it or get on meds because you are screwing your life up.

 

My advice to you, even though I Know This Will Upset You:

 

0. Get a proofreader.

1. Read the entire thread, or all of the OP's messages, before chiming in.

2. Check post dates.

3. Get a proofreader.

4. Personal insults do not enhance the validity of your position. I wish that I cared enough to wish that I felt sorry for you.

Edited October 4, 2016 by greenshift

[greenshift]

Thank you so much for coming back here & updating on your life. So very few do & I wish they would!

 

Thank you for saying that. It may sound weird, but, as a software guy, one of the most annoying things that I encounter is finding a question (via your favorite search engine) that someone else posted, a long time ago, about exactly the problem you're having, and they either a) don't follow up, or b) (WORSE) say "Never mind, I figured it out."

 

(On an unrelated note, I hear that there's a special level of hell reserved for people who talk at the theater.)

 

So, I thought I'd post something. It's generated a surprising amount of traffic. Oh, well.

 

Do you know what happened in your first wife's life or don't you want to know?

 

She floated around for a bit, then remarried. She's a step-mom to 3 kids, and has 2 of her own. I don't hate her, and, in the right circumstances - say, with a more stable, grown-up husband - I think she'd make a great mom. Hopefully that is the case. She lives on the other side of the country from me, though I've moved around a few times for work and have accidentally found myself on the same flight as her. First class upgrades are nice, so are large blankets and books behind which to hide.

 

On a side note: I know all of that for two reasons. The first is that her husband works in the same industry segment that I do, and it's a very, VERY small community. Like, insanely small. To the point where I (on a back burner) dread the day I wind up at the same conference dinner table.

 

Oh, the stories I could tell.

 

And, she was Facebook friends with my sister, which I learned when my sis said, at dinner, "And her son looks like you!" That took about 30 seconds to figure out.

 

Om. Mani. Padme. Hum.

 

All the best for your future. They say 3rd time is a charm!!!

So far. Our anniversary is tomorrow, making some Famous Eggs.

 

It's not easy. I've come to the conclusion that "easy" just isn't in the cards. But, hyperbole notwithstanding, I'd crawl my way through broken glass for my kids, and I love my wife. We are both far from perfect. (Really, REALLY far. Like, O(AU log AU n) far.) I would not trade my life for anyone else's. She's the reason my heart beats - quite literally in some respects - and the kids... well, if you have kids, you know, and if you don't, I can't explain adequately. They are, and so I continue to be.

 

In regards to your situation: I haven't read your posts (other than the one I've quoted above), but if you're here, I assume it's been impossibly difficult.

 

It's better to stay together, as long as you're really together. That means that you're both actively engaged in your relationship, living on purpose. If you're like others here who are trying to fight a war when the other side has already left the battlefield... that's not much fun, and not very productive.

 

I hope that you do not fall into the latter category.

 

Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Still, given my experience - I wouldn't change much. It's made me who I am today, and I mostly like that guy, most of the time. And that's a better position than I've been in before.

[greenshift]

Wow! Just wow! Kudos to you OP for coming back and taking the trouble to finish off your story for the benefit of those on LS, who could benefit from it...

 

Thank you for your kind words. I hope it helps.

[greenshift]

 

And, she was Facebook friends with my sister, which I learned when my sis said, at dinner, "And her son looks like you!" That took about 30 seconds to figure out..

 

To clarify, it took about 30 seconds to figure out that my sister was hiding their (not-just-Facebook(blech)) friendship. Nothing to do with the weird comment from my sister about resemblance. :/

 

Sheesh. Oh, look, I'm still compiling.

 

Cheers, everyone.