Divorce Diary

[notbroken]

That was one of the best things I've read on this forum. Thank you so much for posting!

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Been there, done that. I could have written much of it myself a few years ago.

 

You WILL make it through this. Keep blogging/writing. I wish I would have more. You may not believe it, but you can see healing in your writing. You'll have some bad days and some less bad days. Next thing you know you'll be somewhere and ask "what's different? - something feels very different". It will be that you are finally 'over her' and happy. That's coming. I guarantee it.

 

You are wise to stay away from the alcohol. It is actually a depressant. Won't help at all.

 

Best wishes always. Sincerely.

[peonyrose]

Wow, what a great thread, I read it start to finish, I even cried, I feel for you. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, its crazy because I am female, my partner was 15 years older, 50. And he left me. I too would have laughed if someone told me even 2 months that we would be broken up, but boy have I been taught a very hard, soul destroying lesson. I am an introvert, dedicated to my relationship ( although very lucky to have my 15 year old daughter) he was my everything, my best friend, my companion, my lover, my everything. I like you, find it hard to really find a connection with people, I easily make friends, people like me , but I struggle to keep these friendships past the acquaintance to a real friend. I don't bother, its too much work I say! I like my own company, not in a weird way but I enjoy just been me, and I loved been him and me. I think that's why people like us struggle so terribly at the loss of our relationships, they are literally our best friend!

 

I have so much respect for you, for sharing your story. Please keep writing, it is helping people, I know it is. You are putting into words things that people are struggling to explain, they don't know how, they don't know if it will make sense to other people, but you are saying it does make sense because I'm feeling it.

 

This website has been my savior in this dark cloud of despair.

[tinkerbell16]

I don't know if I will post anymore. I think I may be done, but who knows.

 

Like I said, it's been a little creepy doing this and I don't know how much good it's going to do me, or anybody else.

 

I believe the no contact idea is absolutely good.

 

I'm not sure any smart girl is going to fall for the 180. The only way I can see that working is if you really moved on and performed a real 180. For a guy like me, who is basically a hermit and can't seem to find much deep interest in many people, that is extremely difficult to do.

 

I also believe that you have to try your best to really accept that things are over, that this is reality, and that all you should be focused on is moving forward. I also tell you that if you have a heart, most of that is just going to be faking it and hoping that you can make it reality.

 

I believe that time does help, but don't get your hopes up. If you really fell for someone, the best you can hope for is that time can water it down. I don't believe time heals all wounds. At least, not for a long time. Maybe if you live long enough, all the memories fade to a gentle shade of grey.

 

I keep reminding myself of my age. I keep trying to be honest and tell myself that I don't have the luxury of wasting any time. It's unfortunate that I seem to only be attracted to women much younger than me. I feel bad about what I believe is a very shallow quality. But I never said I was a great man. I think in a lot of ways, I'm just an average man. Maybe a little below average.

 

I certainly hope everyone is ok. I always hope everyone is ok.

 

I hope I'm going to be ok.

 

I wish for all of you just what I wish for myself. That you finally get your sh#t together and you find that special person and you both ride off together into the sunset.

 

So beautifully written. Thank you for sharing such an honest and heartfelt perspective of what many of us have also gone through. Mine was an almost 30 year marriage. It was a shocking amputation that I doubt there will ever be a full recovery from, whatever that is. At the end of the day we are all just humans, doing the best we can, trying to be understood, loved and appreciated and trying to give love and understanding and enjoy each day with all the pleasure and pain life entails... because we never know when life will send an SUV to land on top of us.

[66Charger]

Loved it bro. Dont disappear. Read other threads and write.

 

Strength and Honor.

[Kwacker39]

Thanks for opening up to us - I hope it has been therapeutic in some way for you to let us share your story - we are all on here because of the truly devastating effect of losing the one you have trusted the most with your heart . Good luck for the future , like others have said , your progress through the hurt and heartbreak is obvious when I've read your posts .

[Tuesday After]

It's been over a year. I thought it might be interesting to come back for a minute.

[Tuesday After]

I think it's near impossible for people to change, and I'm certainly no exception.

 

For anyone who cares, here's where I'm at:

 

I sold the house. I closed Oct 30. We bought the house Oct 31st. Eerie coincidence.

 

I continued trying with three more antidepressants. I just got off them. They simply were not doing enough to warrant the side effects. They certainly did not make me feel any better. All they seemed to do was make me not cry so much. They didn't take away any sadness, and they certainly did not make me feel good in any way.

 

So, I'm crying more, because I'm still very sad, and I still miss her and the chickens. But now my balls don't hurt, and I can have an orgasm. Good trade off.

 

I figure I caused most of my own problems. I frequently wish that I could become a different person. I've tried, but I think that it is beyond me. And maybe then, I'd just have different problems.

Edited July 29, 2017 by Tuesday After

[Tuesday After]

I've started looking seriously at dating sites.

 

It sucks. I am trying to consider women closer to my age, but there is no way.

Not with who I am. I also still occasionally think about having children. And when I try to speak with folks my age about the things that I like--the things that I am passionate about, they have no clue.

 

I also want to be attracted to who I am with.

 

I think a rebound situation might have helped, but that was not in the cards.

 

So, I might just have to stay alone.

[Tuesday After]

So, anyway, I sold the house.

 

I worked my ass off and had a ton of luck.

 

The divorce went smoothly, she got her money and she was gone. I said goodbye to the chickens, paid off the loan.

 

I still had enough money to buy a small condo. I gutted it. Myself. What I couldn't do, I hired subs to do. I did a good job, I like it, and I'm very grateful and fortunate.

 

I buried myself in the physical work, and it helped a bit. I'm also still hiking every day, which surprises me. I do it to offset the mediocre eating habits and the drinking.

 

I get so sick of people just regurgitating platitudes that they read on the web, or hear from other people. So, I'm trying to be as honest as I can.

 

Drinking works for me. Self medication. I feel bad about it, I feel guilty, but there it is. I don't drink to excess and I don't get sloppy. It is medicine. I just don't tell anybody how much I am taking.

[Tuesday After]

Pizza works also.

 

Again, I don't tell anybody, and looking at me, no one would believe how much I eat it.

 

I just exercise a bit, and I don't eat the whole pie in one night.

[Tuesday After]

Anyway, things are ok.

 

I still dream about her every night, but at this point, I think it is just the residue...the grieving from a loss, the scar from being hurt badly.

 

It is who I am, the type of person I am that makes me feel the hurt so deeply. My personality is of the type that finds it very hard to let go of anything.

 

That is why I wish I could change. If I were a different person, more balanced, more social, more involved, I believe it would ease some of the grief hangover.

 

But it's not like I haven't tried it. It's just not me.

 

I don't like much, but when I do, it seems to be pretty deep.

 

Whatever.

[Tuesday After]

The pain fades a bit.

 

Thank God.

 

I am so relieved. It really is wonderful to look back and to be so grateful that I no longer feel such acute pain.

 

If you feel that pain now, please trust me. I would not lie about this. If you can just hang in--which I'm pretty sure most people are capable of--if you can just hang in there, you will feel better. I don't think it ever goes away, but as bad as I still feel sometimes, it is nowhere as severe as it was.

 

If you can consider the relationship as trashed as soon as they give you the talk, you will profit. Do not communicate with them unless absolutely necessary; and then, be as professional as you can.

 

Being angry helped me. Thankfully, I never acted on it, but knowing that I was angry, and that I kinda hate her now did help.

 

I'm also very grateful that I didn't beg, I didn't stalk her, or text her. It was good to basically just walk away. If there was the slightest chance in the world that she had a change of heart, she certainly knew how to find me.

Edited July 29, 2017 by Tuesday After

[Tuesday After]

I've been through this before, so I know eventually I'll stop drinking and eating so much pizza. I wish I could rebuild things faster, but I can't force it.

 

So, I don't want to wallow too much. It is what it is, and I'll do what I can to muddle along. My best to anyone reading this.

[S2B]

I'm happy you've moved in a forward direction... that's great!

 

Can you cut back the drinking? That can't be good for you and your future.

 

If needed, see a counselor to work through the pain instead of drinking to avoid the feelings.

[Chilli]

Glad to hear your moving along T.

Great job with the condo , kinda wishing l just bought a unit or something which i very weird for me we always had small acreage but l'm just a bit over renovating and house bs. It'd be nice to wake up and live life or do what l want instead of having to work on the house.

Glad you got off those damn antidepressants , heard a lot of sh@t about them and if they ain't working why bother.

l was thinking hell man , try a few drinks, so what, who cares , not gonna kill ya any quicker than a body full of those damn things.

Same with pizza.

 

As l was reading your attraction thing , yeah, know all about it. l'm not out of the box either and l was an artist 12yrs, totally different to most my age, don't look it,feel it, live it, l'd freak them out.

But don't worry about it, just wait until you meet her, she'll just be whatever she is, you'll just like her whether she be older younger or who ever , that'll all take care of itself , and probably what you least expected.

 

Anyway , soldier on brother , it'll all work out and find it's own way for ya. Been through it all, nearly 5yrs now.

Good luck.

[abitsilly]

That was one of the saddest yet beautiful threads I've read on here. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. PS Did she read Eat, Pray, Love? A lot of girls read that then head off to India in search of who knows what. They come back with Delhi belly and little else.

It's great to hear you're doing so well one-year on

[Tuesday After]

PS Did she read Eat, Pray, Love?

 

I thought of the same thing. It makes me hate a book I've never read.

[somuchfortheone]

I went to the doctor today.

 

I couldn't even get the words out. I just kept stuttering 'my wife lef...my wife lef.....my...'

 

He had to finish it for me.

 

He put me on 150 mg Effexor...Supposed to be for treatment-resistant depression.

 

I feel pathetic for breaking down like that. But I need help.

 

I checked my penis at the reception desk and went home and cried like a little girl.

 

 

nothing about your story if funny - but this line cracked me up. Your sense of humor is a lot like mine, I can tell. I'm so sorry for what you're going through...I'm in a similar boat and it's been an absolute nightmare. I'm so sorry.

[somuchfortheone]

you sound a lot like me...I agree there is something "wrong" with us...that's why I'm scheduling a 2 hour therapy session tomorrow afternoon...but on the other hand, maybe we just appreciate/prefer a simpler life? People these days need excitement, to spend money, to live life on the edge...etc...I prefer to stay in between the lines...be responsible, mature...future focused...maybe we're not so "off"...maybe the people we surround ourselves with are broken in a different way?

[somuchfortheone]

It's been about three weeks without drinking at all. I still can't say that I am feeling any better from the Effexor. And I feel a little worse for not having that little bit of social activity and that little relief buzz.

 

I guess I'll give it a few more weeks and see where I'm at.

 

She wanted a dog. A big hairy dog. You hate big hairy dogs. Her mother has big hairy dogs and every time you left the house you had big hairy dog hair on you for a week.

 

And who would probably wind up taking care of the big hairy dog, while she flitted onto the next thing, hmm?

 

And what would have happened if you would have knuckled under and had kids? You would have been taking care of chickens, big hairy dogs and kids, while she traipses off to Southern Bosnia, or some crap.

 

I am very lucky. I keep trying to remind myself.

 

 

man...I'm cracking up - not because it's funny but you sound SO much like me...my gosh

my husband (I called him a princess) wanted kids too and I took care of EVERYTHING....kids would have just been one more thing for me to handle...no help from him

[somuchfortheone]

She offered to put on a pair of gloves and dispose of her so I didn't have to see her. My wife knows how I am.

 

I told her absolutely not, I wanted to bury her.

 

I couldn't stop crying, I told my wife how sorry I was. My wife said not to blame myself. The other chickens seemed fine, and she knew that I certainly didn't do it intentionally.

 

I told my wife to leave and I rushed home.

 

I found our chicken underneath the watering system. She had been trying to cool herself down.

 

I picked her up and hugged her, and stroked her and kissed her. I kept telling her how sorry I was. I held her for a long time. She was still so soft, just beginning to get a little stiff.

 

I dug a hole underneath one of our pecan trees and I buried her.

 

Then, I went to hike the mountain.

 

 

( heartbreaking...I'm so, so sorry

[Kellens]

I've been reading others stories on here for almost 3 years and there is something about how you write that grabbed my attention right away. I am an avid reader so I just have to tell you that definitely have a talent for writing and drawing someone into your story. Unfortunately your story isn't fiction and it was heartbreaking to read.

 

I have my own terrible break-up story, like most others do, which is what drew me to this website almost 3 years ago. What made me relate to your story a bit more than some others that I have read is that I also make my partner the center of my life. He is my best friend, confidante, tv binge watching partner and the person I trust most above all others. When your best friend suddenly doesn't want to love or be with you, who do you turn to?

 

I've never trusted any "friends" with any of my deep feelings or emotions unless I've had too many drinks, I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I have had many acquaintances in my life but only a couple of true friends. People just don't stick to me for very long maybe because I'm just not capable of being a good friend, who knows. It is just encouraging to know (although I'm sorry that you had to deal with it too) that someone else understands that when your partner truly is your best and only friend, it makes it that much harder to get over when they leave you.

 

I've also tried to change my pattern with my current relationship and not depend on the person so much but I've fallen into the same relationship trap that I set for myself. Although I think there is a small part of me that will always be reminded that this can be ripped away at any moment, so maybe I'm more protected this time. I hope you will be too.

 

You will find someone again.. I understand the age thing as well. Although I've never dated anyone significantly older/younger than me, I don't like men my exact age or older.. I'm always attracted to a few years younger, it's something that can't be helped. Good luck to you and please post on here again

[Samantha.Leo]

I loved reading this and I was sad reading this...I never read things from start to finish on here, but your posts grabbed hold of my attention and did not let go. Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing!

[Frostedflake]

I would buy this book..

 

Wish I would have found this particular thread during my divorce.

[Tuesday After]

I would buy this book..

 

 

Several people have made comments about the writing.

 

I greatly appreciated that and it is directly because of those comments that I actually spent the past year and a half writing a novel. It's fiction, has nothing particularly to do with anything above...unless you really read between the lines. I wanted to write something to take me away from reality.

 

The book is on Amazon, but I don't know if I can tell anybody the title or my author name, the forum rules do not specifically say.

 

Anyway, after all this time, I'm still sad, but writing the book really helped distract me. I don't know that anything, short of falling in love again, will enable me to totally put it all behind, but, yeah, the writing helped.

 

I still dream about the chickens.

 

I could really use a boost, so I'm hoping that people will discover the book and enjoy it.

Edited May 16, 2018 by Tuesday After