stillafool Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 If we were having sex I could totally understand...but we seem to have nothing emotional anymore. I know why I am there...I am hoping, but why does he keep me if we don't even kiss or hug or nothing anymore. Lost and confused. There was a time where it was fantastic but that was years ago. Now it is so cold and calculated. I don't feel anything from him. He may feel you are extremely desperate and if he doesn't see you you will blow his s--t up and tell his wife. He's trying to keep you calm. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 If we were having sex I could totally understand...but we seem to have nothing emotional anymore. I know why I am there...I am hoping, but why does he keep me if we don't even kiss or hug or nothing anymore. Lost and confused. There was a time where it was fantastic but that was years ago. Now it is so cold and calculated. I don't feel anything from him. He is managing you. Plus I bet his ego likes to be stroked hardcore by you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 He is managing you. Plus I bet his ego likes to be stroked hardcore by you. I was going to say this. Someone just said this on my thread and I was like, wow. I am puffing this guy's ego up. That is what you are doing. Let me ask you - are you more attractive than he is? Younger? Successful? More vibrant? He is just enjoying the attention and your light. I'm in exactly the same situation and I totally understand how you feel. Let's not feed these guys egos. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Let me ask you - are you more attractive than he is? Younger? Successful? More vibrant? Let me ask both of you why you would settle for a less attractive, older, unsuccessful, fading MM? What are you getting out of it? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 You have value why not recognize it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Just a short while ago you stated that you started a new relationship, is that something you are still exploring? I agree with the others you will continue to but stuck here until you choose to change. You have to stop doing the pick me dance. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 (edited) Let me ask both of you why you would settle for a less attractive, older, unsuccessful, fading MM? What are you getting out of it? That is such a good question and I've been asked it a lot, ironically more by men as women seem to look past the exterior. I knew xMM for years and was not attracted to him. He is not my type, he's a few inches shorter than me, 25 lbs overweight, ED and just not attractive. He looked okay when he was younger but he just didn't age well - alcohol, diet, etc. His wife is short and very heavy. They actually go together physically, xMM and I do not. My hands are bigger than his! My H and I are really tall, we are both attractive and in good shape with no sexual issues. xMM said that he liked being out with me because other guys looked at me and then at him and he felt important being with me as opposed to being with his wife - whom he called overweight and unattractive. I thought that was interesting since he is as well. I have no idea how this happened. My H and I were going through hard times for years, I was very lonely, which I told my H but he was busy with his own things. xMM told me how he had been in love with me for years, paid me a lot of attention, asked for my advice on health issues and told me how he was lonely himself in a roommate marriage. It's the oldest story in the book. I would later find out that it was true, he was lonely but he had been trying to have an affair for over 5 years, just no takers. When I see xMM now, I do not think, oh I want to kiss this guy, actually I tower over him, I have no idea how I kissed him at all. I just feel played, stupid, used and discarded for someone he called lazy, fat, stupid and a mistake marrying. Added: the reason I liked him and fell for him was he seemed really strong in character, a real man, working to support his family, a take charge type of guy. Meanwhile I had been working 2 jobs for years, my own business and a side job, while my H stayed at home and was at the time running around with an unemployed high school graduate living with her parents, a real trainwreck. So it didn't matter how hot my husband was or good in bed, he was a big man child. Edited June 27, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cobra148 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 I was going to say this. Someone just said this on my thread and I was like, wow. I am puffing this guy's ego up. That is what you are doing. Let me ask you - are you more attractive than he is? Younger? Successful? More vibrant? Let's not feed these guys egos. I am not that much younger in age. I feel that MM I is full of life and fun and vibrant. Although I am more spontaneous and wild, I guess. That was a problem at the beginning- 4 years ago- since I tend to call attention to myself without actually seeking it. My nature is more wild and free and a loud spirit. I am more attractive than MM. But his personality is incredible. He used to introduce me and present me like a "Magician's helper"... Like Voila! Not so much anymore. The butterflies of meeting up are gone it has recently been more like scheduling sex with the BW on Tuesdays at 7pm, kind of feel. Well, not that we have even had any sex in the past 3 years. Sad I know. He is gone and I cant. We did go about one year where he wasn't even contacting me then recently we have been going out maybe once a week....but nothing exciting or adventurous anymore. Anyways... Maybe it is to boost his ego. Why do I keep doing it? In this town I live there isn't much of a selection and he does thrive on being the an odd man out here and does frequently tell me that "this girl" said guys here are losers and "that girl" said guys here are lame...and such and such...so yes. He is a find or maybe he is just one of the many losers just a shiny loser with glitter. I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cobra148 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 Just a short while ago you stated that you started a new relationship, is that something you are still exploring? I agree with the others you will continue to but stuck here until you choose to change. You have to stop doing the pick me dance. Yes I am still exploring the New guy. He is single and is very into me. He is a truly great guy... Me and him see each other daily. It is a great "get home from work, how are you doing kiss" kind of relationship. I have been seeing him for about 6 months now and most seems well. I do lack a couple of things from him that I am trying to compromise with. he is a stay at home kind of guy and he isn't very interested in sex. and those 2 things are kind of big for me. but I am adjusting and more and more seeing him and focus on the good stuff he offers. Seems like the more I let go of MM and focus on the possibly LTR with the new guy the more that MM comes into the picture. Like I said I haven't been seeing MM for a while and then seems like all of a sudden, here he is...again. Yesterday MM emailed in the morning and I did not respond, he texted me again in the evening and again I did not respond. So day one down! now working on day 2 of NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cobra148 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 That is such a good question and I've been asked it a lot, ironically more by men as women seem to look past the exterior. I knew xMM for years and was not attracted to him. He is not my type, It's the oldest story in the book. I would later find out that it was true, he was lonely but he had been trying to have an affair for over 5 years, just no takers. When I see xMM now, I do not think, oh I want to kiss this guy I just feel played, stupid, used and discarded Added: the reason I liked him and fell for him was he seemed really strong in character, a real man, working to support his family, a take charge type of guy.. I can relate to so much here... the men do ask more but after a while ALL my friends were asking what am I doing with him?!?!? No one liked him but I was and I guess am still head over heels but not like I used to be. MM said he has always been in affairs that lasted years and years but the more I hear him it sounds like he had one real one that lasted 7 years and he has been trying to re create that one instead recreating an A. I rarely look at him and think I want to kiss him and take him NOW!! now it is please don't say anything to annoy me and try to show my what a loser I am for being here... He is a take charge kind of guy that I need in my life. I have been single for 9 years and I take care of my business I guess he filled that need for someone to say hey we are going here and at this time and this is what we are doing Period. Cause we had no other options or availability. that was hot for me. He works hard and takes care of his family and that was attractive. So much more than any physical attraction its the man being a man handling his business that I find attractive about him. and of course the time and adventures that we had. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cobra148 Posted June 29, 2016 Author Share Posted June 29, 2016 So we work in an industry where we can and do at times work from different locations. and today I am at a location where he works. So as I parked and came in he was also coming in...I really was hoping to see him and wanted to chat but when he rode his bike up and he stopped my disgust over weighed my wanting to talk to him. he was pleasant a bit removed as always and I just simply answered...you..and kept walking he didn't pursue at al liked I had hoped. I am ok, but now wanting to invite him to lunch but I know he will decline. and make me feel worse. So no contact and no texting even though he will be 100 yards away from me all day. I did realize that I want that excitement and the butterflies not the closed off always so cautious interaction that we have been having as of late. So I will call it a successful NC day but yet it is early. I SO WANT TO TEXT AND REACH OUT. but I am not his choice anymore and I don't want to be the "pick me" begging for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cobra148 Posted June 29, 2016 Author Share Posted June 29, 2016 What the heck. After not talking to MM this morning. Now he came over for lunch time. Like if nothing. he sat with me at the cafeteria. he was so friendly. I cant handle a friendship with him knowing what I feel for him. It is killing me. I will not be taking anymore shifts here. But now I have to start over with day one. this is harder than I thought. He reminds me everytime I see him why it isn't like it used to be but my darn mind keeps the hope alive. Now I have to leave early to avoid seeing him at the shuttle again. this is so agonizing. it hurts to breathe. No more. I choose not to see him. I choose to live my life. I choose to let me be happy and not caught up in my mind. I choose to live. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 If you reach out, you lose some self-respect. If you don't, you gain some. Self-respect is good stuff. Keep on accumulating it. Take care. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 30, 2016 Share Posted June 30, 2016 but my darn mind keeps the hope alive Like picking a scab off so the wound never heals.... Striving for indifference is good. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted June 30, 2016 Share Posted June 30, 2016 A saying borrowed from elsewhere that applies to you: No Contact = No New Hurts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cobra148 Posted July 5, 2016 Author Share Posted July 5, 2016 On Friday he texted me asking about a get together that we were going to attend together. Asked how it was. I told him I did not attend...(I found a thread that said don't go to places where we used to go, so I didn't go.) and that was the end of that. Haven't heard from him and haven't reached out to him since then. This weekend I did have the urge to let him know where I was going...why? only to say "hey look I am still going out! See we could be here together" then realized that he really doesn't care and I choose not to let him that I am trying to move on. Trying to not make him part of my thoughts. So today is easier to fight not contacting him. It will get harder as the week progresses. Since he is part of my weekly check in ritual. I went out of town with the single guy I have been seeing and I did fine myself comparing what it used to be like and what it is like now. He was in the shadows of what me and MM used to have and do. But it is a new I am not trying to re-create mine and MM relationship. I am working on making a new. This has been so much harder than I envisioned it would be. But keeping on. A saying borrowed from elsewhere that applies to you: No Contact = No New Hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 Waiting for the next time he contacts you does not equate to NC. Why won't you block him? And why are you stringing this other guy along while you're still stuck on MM? That is really unfair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cobra148 Posted July 5, 2016 Author Share Posted July 5, 2016 Waiting for the next time he contacts you does not equate to NC. Why won't you block him? And why are you stringing this other guy along while you're still stuck on MM? That is really unfair. I am not intending to "string" this new guy along. I am really trying to make a new life with this new guy. Not sure what intentions you see that I have said different. I am not waiting for MM to contact me. I am having NC with him. Or how do you see that I am doing that? PLease help what am I doing wrong? I have changed my emails and I have blocked him from them. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 I am not waiting for MM to contact me. I am having NC with him. Or how do you see that I am doing that? PLease help what am I doing wrong? I have changed my emails and I have blocked him from them. Good for you for trying to let go and move on. Do you restart the No Contact clock every time he texts you? Every time you respond? Can you block him from texting/calling you? Can you change your number? Can you make it so you will never hear from or see him again? If you can, I think you will find the healing process more efficient. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 I am not intending to "string" this new guy along. I am really trying to make a new life with this new guy. Not sure what intentions you see that I have said different. I am not waiting for MM to contact me. I am having NC with him. Or how do you see that I am doing that? PLease help what am I doing wrong? I have changed my emails and I have blocked him from them. If you reread your own post from earlier you will see that you didn't mention blocking at all..all you said was that you hadn't heard from him in a few days and that the new guy was in the shadow of your affair. Perhaps you forgot what you'd posted? Anyway congrats on blocking, that's a great step. Best of luck. I do hope you take it slow with the new guy..jumping straight into something new when you're on the rebound rarely works out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cobra148 Posted July 5, 2016 Author Share Posted July 5, 2016 I restart the last time that I responded. I haven't reached out but cant stop from answering him. I will from now on and not count his reaching out as contact. Good for you for trying to let go and move on. Do you restart the No Contact clock every time he texts you? Every time you respond? Can you block him from texting/calling you? Can you change your number? Can you make it so you will never hear from or see him again? If you can, I think you will find the healing process more efficient. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cobra148 Posted July 6, 2016 Author Share Posted July 6, 2016 This is getting easier and easier. I thought it would be killing me. What is wrong with me? I went in eyes wide open and not sure what happened. I thought I was handling the whole A pretty good until I wasn't. But yes self respect! I need some. I do still think that I can invite him here or there. but I haven't. That is huge for me after 4 years of connection to go to nothing isn't for the weak at heart that is for sure. but doable. I restart the last time that I responded. I haven't reached out but cant stop from answering him. I will from now on and not count his reaching out as contact. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted July 6, 2016 Share Posted July 6, 2016 I restart the last time that I responded. I haven't reached out but cant stop from answering him. I will from now on and not count his reaching out as contact. That might work but it will make it more difficult. If you can block him from reaching out to you, it will make this process easier for yourself. You just have to be ready to let go for good. Do you think you are ready? Link to post Share on other sites
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