katiegrl Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Admittedly I do have insecurities, that's pretty obvious.. but I don't think I'm making up red flags at all. I feel more like I'm actually following my gut on this one. That is fine, I am huge advocate of following your own gut. So long as it is actually your gut guiding you ......and not your own fears, insecurity and anxiety ... Best of luck moving forward.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 I didn't "scold" him.. I just honestly told him that I was confused about the lack of texts and that I felt weird leaving it. Sorry, but it bothers me when I text someone at 7pm and they don't bother to respond until noon the next day. This isn't the first time it's happened and I just think it's plain rude. Even texting me to let me know he's busy or that he'll talk to me another time would have been sufficient for me. This is not the type of things you tell someone when they're inviting you out. If you are interested in this guy you accept his invitation and later on you speak to him about his texting habit. You didn't only tell him about his texting habit but you also pointed to him the way you left last time AND you also questioned his interest in you. That is 3 major negative reprimands so yes it qualifies as scolding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kalika Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 I guess I'm confused. This is a serious question. Is it not a sign of confidence to try opening up a dialogue about what happened, maybe even setting aside the weirdness? Is it not confident for me to let him know that I'd rather talk to him on the phone or in person, where things won't be misinterpreted, rather than just letting him text me if and when he feels like it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kalika Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 This is not the type of things you tell someone when they're inviting you out. If you are interested in this guy you accept his invitation and later on you speak to him about his texting habit. You didn't only tell him about his texting habit but you also pointed to him the way you left last time AND you also questioned his interest in you. That is 3 major negative reprimands so yes it qualifies as scolding. I understand what you're saying here. I guess in my own mind, I was trying to start a conversation and hopefully dialogue a bit about it, and then hopefully move past it. If he does for any reason text me again, I will apologize to him for the conversation last night. If he doesn't, I'm OK with that too. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 I guess I'm confused. This is a serious question. Is it not a sign of confidence to try opening up a dialogue about what happened, maybe even setting aside the weirdness? Is it not confident for me to let him know that I'd rather talk to him on the phone or in person, where things won't be misinterpreted, rather than just letting him text me if and when he feels like it? There is a time and place to speak up about things that bothers us. Shedding everything on him on text while he is trying to invite you out is not the right time and place. Yes talking on the phone is much better but you don't need his approval or him initiating a phone call, you are free to pick up your phone and call him at anytime you wish. When he texts just dial him. Take the matter in your hands instead of asking him if he'd like to call sometimes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kalika Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 Yes talking on the phone is much better but you don't need his approval or him initiating a phone call, you are free to pick up your phone and call him at anytime you wish. When he texts just dial him. Take the matter in your hands instead of asking him if he'd like to call sometimes. I have tried calling him, but didn't yesterday because he was working and I was out most of the day too. He doesn't usually answer when I call, he will only text me back. I make it a point not to call him during work hours too, I'll call him after he says he'll be home, but he still responds only via text. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 I guess I'm confused. This is a serious question. Is it not a sign of confidence to try opening up a dialogue about what happened, maybe even setting aside the weirdness? Is it not confident for me to let him know that I'd rather talk to him on the phone or in person, where things won't be misinterpreted, rather than just letting him text me if and when he feels like it? Often times, and imo most times, it is not *what* you say but *how* you say it. We don't know *how* you said it, but if came across like an accusation, even if you didn't intend it to, that is a huge no no and would turn must men (women too!) OFF. Given his response after you spoke with him about it, I would venture to guess HE interpreted it as an *accusation* and decided it is best to let it go. You should too. clearly this not gonna work. Sorry it did work out.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cablebandit Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 I understand what you're saying here. I guess in my own mind, I was trying to start a conversation and hopefully dialogue a bit about it, and then hopefully move past it. If he does for any reason text me again, I will apologize to him for the conversation last night. If he doesn't, I'm OK with that too. If you like him, text him and apologize and let him know you got caught up in too much internet "rules of dating". I don't understand the sitting around and waiting and hoping that a good man is going to just fall in your lap. Relationships have much tougher trials than the one that you are facing. Go get him if you want him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kalika Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 Often times, and imo most times, it is not *what* you say but *how* you say it. We don't know *how* you said it, but if came across like an accusation, even if you didn't intend it to, that is a huge no no and would turn must men (women too!) OFF. Given his response after you spoke with him about it, I would venture to guess HE interpreted it as an *accusation* and decided it is best to let it go. You should too. clearly this not gonna work. Sorry it did work out.... Thanks for the advice Katie. Agree he probably interpreted it that way, and I didn't mean for it to come across that way at all. I am definitely going to just let it go at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 "OK I didn't realize all this was going on. Sorry for bothering you." He said that because he felt attacked. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kalika Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 If you like him, text him and apologize and let him know you got caught up in too much internet "rules of dating". I don't understand the sitting around and waiting and hoping that a good man is going to just fall in your lap. Relationships have much tougher trials than the one that you are facing. Go get him if you want him. Thank you Cable, but I'm not even sure at this point how much I want to pursue it any more. There were some other little red flags that I didn't mention anywhere in this thread, and besides that, it's a bit too damaged at this point. I will try to just move forward at this point. P.S. Are you in ATL too? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kalika Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 "OK I didn't realize all this was going on. Sorry for bothering you." He said that because he felt attacked. I get that now. I honestly didn't before. And although I shouldn't have even brought those things up in the first place, I promise I didn't say anything in a mean or accusatory way. Regardless, that's how he took it, so I'll take that as a lesson learned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cablebandit Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Thank you Cable, but I'm not even sure at this point how much I want to pursue it any more. There were some other little red flags that I didn't mention anywhere in this thread, and besides that, it's a bit too damaged at this point. I will try to just move forward at this point. P.S. Are you in ATL too? I certainly am.....well Mableton/Cobb Co. and enjoying the sunshine!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Thanks for the advice Katie. Agree he probably interpreted it that way, and I didn't mean for it to come across that way at all. I am definitely going to just let it go at this point. If you like him then why not try to save it. Call him and tell him you're sorry for your negative attitude but online dating gets frustrating at times and you lost your coolness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kalika Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 If you like him then why not try to save it. Call him and tell him you're sorry for your negative attitude but online dating gets frustrating at times and you lost your coolness. I like him personally, but I'm not sure we'd be long term compatible (the communication issues etc..) so I'm not really sure if I should be chasing him down at this point. More than likely, especially with me messing up last night, he is probably feeling the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kalika Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 I certainly am.....well Mableton/Cobb Co. and enjoying the sunshine!!!!! I am also in Cobb Co. .. near Roswell! I had to drive all the way to Smyrna/Vinings in traffic to date this dude Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 She can do and say what she wants alright but those come with reactions and consequences. I don't post for me, I post for her and she said she liked him and was interested in him so I am advising in that direction. She assumed a bunch of stuff from beginning. The man was not even aware he had been off on communication or he had been prompt after their sex night. This comes from her interpretation and people with low self esteem and insecurities have to be careful how they interpret others. She sees red flags because of her own anxieties and insecurities. Given his behavior and her responses, that is obvious! She also very clearly likes this guy ALOT, otherwise this thread would not exist nor would she be continuing to post about him... He has been expressing interest, he asked her out again!! Instead of responding back saying sure, would love to ...... she intentionally chose to test him AGAIN (which she essentially admitted) waiting over eight hours to respond (to test his reaction) and then after several attempts to reach her, she finally responds and proceeded to scold him for not texting her according to her specific and frankly rigid texting requirements.... Thus turning him off and rightfully so.... any man would be turned off by that. Maybe. But in my experience, people with insecurities and anxieties tend to not listen to their inner knowledge, their gut instincts, and instead end up in bad relationships because they ignore red flags and their internal discomfort. In extreme cases (not saying this of OP at all! just generally), insecure anxious people can end up with bad guys and in bad relationships- with liars, addicts, users, abusers- in great part because they do ignore things, override their own welfare to try to preserve a relationship regardless of how they feel or what negative behavior they see in the guy. That’s why so many people say that people in bad relationships (the worst ones, with liars, addicts, users and abusers) lack self-esteem, they don’t listen to and honor what they see and feel. I should neutralize the gender in that- there are men who also make that mistake with "bad" or damaging women, too. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 I like him personally, but I'm not sure we'd be long term compatible (the communication issues etc..) so I'm not really sure if I should be chasing him down at this point. More than likely, especially with me messing up last night, he is probably feeling the same way. Yah I wouldn't contact him either... BUT there is still a chance he may contact you again, and if he does, IF you are still interested and want to give it another shot, no more tests or games..... just respond back that sounds fun... make a plan and meet. THEN talk..... Keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Maybe. But in my experience, people with insecurities and anxieties tend to not listen to their inner knowledge, their gut instincts, and instead end up in bad relationships because they ignore red flags and their internal discomfort. In extreme cases (not saying this of OP at all! just generally), insecure anxious people can end up with bad guys and in bad relationships- with liars, addicts, users, abusers- in great part because they do ignore things, override their own welfare to try to preserve a relationship regardless of how they feel or what negative behavior they see in the guy. That’s why so many people say that people in bad relationships (the worst ones, with liars, addicts, users and abusers) lack self-esteem, they don’t listen to and honor what they see and feel. I agree but... People with anxiety and self-esteem problems end up with abusers because abusers have a game. Don't they? at First they sweep you off of your feet, they move fast, they love bombard you to gain your trust and then slowly they start their abusive behavior on you. This guy was a regular joe blow with no game. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kalika Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 Maybe. But in my experience, people with insecurities and anxieties tend to not listen to their inner knowledge, their gut instincts, and instead end up in bad relationships because they ignore red flags and their internal discomfort. In extreme cases (not saying this of OP at all! just generally), insecure anxious people can end up with bad guys and in bad relationships- with liars, addicts, users, abusers- in great part because they do ignore things, override their own welfare to try to preserve a relationship regardless of how they feel or what negative behavior they see in the guy. That’s why so many people say that people in bad relationships (the worst ones, with liars, addicts, users and abusers) lack self-esteem, they don’t listen to and honor what they see and feel. I should neutralize the gender in that- there are men who also make that mistake with "bad" or damaging women, too. Anxious or not, I have learned that gut instincts are rarely wrong, and I agree that people should really follow them more.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Anxious or not, I have learned that gut instincts are rarely wrong, and I agree that people should really follow them more.. Kalika: You said you have a health condition that you need to disclose and you're afraid that for some men it would be a deal breaker. I also have a condition that I need to disclose. I have learn to let a man cool down after the news and to give them some space to process it all. Ever thought that is what this guy was doing? You gave him some health news and he maybe was reflecting on it. He was interested enough to ask questions, then interested enough to invite you out again. You will have to learn to be more patient with men if this is something you'll have to disclose to every man you meet. There are men I have disclosed my health issue and went silent for a couple of days then they popped back up and I didn't make a big deal about it. We all process differently remember. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) I agree but... People with anxiety and self-esteem problems end up with abusers because abusers have a game. Don't they? at First they sweep you off of your feet, they move fast, they love bombard you to gain your trust and then slowly they start their abusive behavior on you. This guy was a regular joe blow with no game. Yeah, some bad partners are like that, but not all are. To use a general example, there are some people who lack game and aren't big charmers who are uncaring, entitled, or any number of other negative traits for a relationship. My point is not what he is, but rather that there's no point in overriding your own feelings, or discounting behavior that gives you a bad feeling to salvage a relationship or possible relationship. Overriding your own thoughts and feelings is the core of lack of self-esteem, which can be a slippery slope to worse. Being more concerned about what someone else wants or feels, or trying to hang on to someone, despite how you feel pretty much never turns out well. Edited June 24, 2016 by BlueIris Link to post Share on other sites
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