"as if she had been single for a year"

[studentguy]

Hey guys, had a nasty breakup behind me from last week and wanted to have some opinions from you and seriously need to vent. I read a lot in this forum during the last week and I saw that you are very decent people and have good advice.

 

The relationship:

I'm 24, she's 22. Been together for 4 years until last week when I broke up. For me it was love on the first sight. We had very different interests from the beginning, but were somehow still compatible. I just loved the way she was. Kind, kinda shy, affectionate, just the sweetest thing. Since half a year she wanted to do more on her own, hated it when I talked about my hobbies. She also became more respectless and impatient with me. I still cared about her and loved her, and I thought she felt the same. We still slept together and wrote each other every day.

 

The beginning of the end:

I know that she got to know some guy three or four months ago who works at a local music shop. She went to two concerts of him.

A month and a week ago I read through her phone. She was flirting with that guy on instagram who she's recently met. It wasn't a lot of text, but she took screenshots of the convo and sent it to her female best friend with the proud comment "look who texted me the whole evening". He's a musician and is pretty good at that. Her major interest was music and playing guitar, this guy plays guitar and produces music.

 

One day the next week I saw that she was constantly on whatsapp. And I mean the whole ****ing day every 20 to 40 minutes or so. I instantly knew she was texting with him. The same evening I confronted her. I asked her what she was thinking, meeting and texting with a guy who's clearly interested in her. She said I was just jealous because she didn't know him that long and that it was okay what she does. So i asked her if I could meet up with other women who were interested in me, if I could flirt and text with them and meet up with them. She instantly started crying, I took her into my arms and I was content that she understood. The next three weeks she was still constantly on her phone, which brought me to the conclusion that she was still texting with him all the time. Read through her phone again and I was right. It wasn't heavy flirting, it was an intense getting to know each other. On the other end she wrote a friend of her that she still wants to be with me and still likes me. I confronted her again the next evening (thursday a week ago) and said she's seriously hurting me, breaking my heart and the relationship. Her reaction was the same as last time. "I want to have male friends too, you are just too jealous." Now I just wanted to force her to see how wrong she is. I ignored her on friday, ignore her on saturday. Around midnight on saturday she called me, asking if she should come over to sleep at my place. I answered "no" and hung up. On sunday she wrote on whatsapp

"did you sleep at home?"

"yes"

"I didn't"

 

The breakup:

I stormed up to her house asked if she had slept with him to which she said yes. I was out of my mind, shaking, breathing heavily, she seemed a bit irritated. I asked her why she did it and she said "it just felt right, you didn't text me and the relationship wasn't going good". From then on I was yelling at her, stormed out of the house and broke down at home. With broke down I mean I was screaming in pain for an hour, I just couldn't stand the pain.

 

Aftermath:

I threw out everything I ever had from her and everything that reminded me of her, blocked her phonenumber, deleted pics and so on. Couldn't really do anything for the last week, I was just a wreck

 

Now comes the best part:

Yesterday I was on the way home per train, when I saw the guy she cheated me with. I introduced myself to him, said I was the ex-boyfriend of the girl he slept with last week and that I broke up with her because of that. He seemed totally confused and I told him the whole story that I wrote here earlier. He said she didn't mention me once, that he was abolutely clueless that there was me. He said something along the lines of "man, i don't want to reopen your wounds, but when we wrote and we met last week, she acted like a girl that had been single for a year".

 

Sometimes she was the sweetest thing, swore me she would never cheat on me,, told her friends she cared about me. veryone of my friends and family who knew her blown away that she could do something like that.

 

Please tell me what the f*** was going on here.

[Steven1]

This is something similar which happened to me..

 

I was with my now ex for 7 years, won't go into all the details ahah, anyway, last year in September she moved to this country (UK) to go to University (I had lived with her for a year in Canada previous to this and stayed with her before that as well). As soon as she came to this country and started Uni she told me saying she didn't think things would work as she would be busy etc, we talked and got over it and after that I would stay with her 4/5 days every other week etc and we had some great times.

 

Then January/February came around and I just knew something was wrong, she was quiet, would rarely talk to me, would always talk to her friends on the phone/text/computer etc when I was with her to the point I was literally just sitting in silence staring around her room, even on date nights at restaurants she would constantly be on her phone texting etc, to the point I even over heard another couple saying "that poor man, I feel so bad for him" *directed at me just being ignored the whole night*

 

Anyway, day before Valentines she broke it off with me and left me with a massive hotel bill that we never even stayed in, told me there was someone else, and about 1/2 weeks later they got together, I suspected there was someone else, she told me they had been speaking for a while and I knew it anyway deep down. The way she treated me during the last month of the relationship just hit me that hard, she treated me in a way I never thought she would even treat an enemy to be honest.

 

In the end she just said that after 7 years she had become bored with me and didn't "love" me in that way anymore, that she felt I was becoming a close friend. I think that like you, your ex just ended up seeing you as an option rather than someone she wanted to be with sadly, but it also sounds like for some time the way she went about it that she just wasn't interested in the relationship anymore, some people are like that sadly, they enter a relationship but then miss what being single was at the same time after a certain amount of time with someone.

 

I think if anything it's probably a good thing this happened before it became any more serious between you two, if she could end it and treat you like that during the relationship now, it would have been much,much worse down the line if things had been more invested between the two of you.

[studentguy]

I had a friend who's relationship fell apart because the differences between him and his gf became too much. They talked and talked and together and came to the conclusion that they should end it.

 

I'm so jealous. Why did he have it so good in the end and our girls just sh** on us as if we weren't worth something. Where did these people get the nerve to do that?

[Satu]

She's not the girl you thought she was. She's the girl who cheated on you.

 

Thats really hard to swallow, I know.

 

You did the right thing in throwing away all the reminders.

 

Completely delete her from your life.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

You'll be OK.

 

 

Take care.

[Steven1]

After the dust had settled with me and the ex she did get back in touch and apologized for how she went about the whole thing and continuously stressed the fact to me that she didnt cheat or nothing happened with her and anyone while we were together but that didn't really mean much to me any more at that point.

 

I think at times after spending so much of your life with someone, the only way they can get you to accept it's over is to be cruel/horrible, even if they know it's wrong they will do it. With mine I didn't want it to be over as I thought there was still something there to fight for, she didn't and wanted it over, and I suppose in her mind instead of just talking about it and telling me the truth, hurting me was all she could think of to get me to back off and accept it. But that's something she has to live with as even then she wanted us to be friends but ironically she rarely ever contacts me lol.

 

I took a few lessons from what happened to me though that might be useful for you.

 

1 - Learn to be happy with your self. Can't stress this one enough. First and foremost make yourself happy, invest time in yourself, do things that make you happy etc, learn to enjoy your own company. Once you are happy with yourself, you can be happy with someone else again.

 

2 - Try to let go. Even now I still have regrets about my past relationship, and at times I wonder if my ex thinks the same from time to time, but in the end I'm only putting myself through things that are needless and not wanted. Take the time you need to get over it, but try not to look back on things with regret. Take the good memories from it.

 

3 - This was a good one for me personally. GYM/EXERCISE. The motivation I had at the gym after my break up was unreal. It gave me the right environment to let out anger etc in a controlled way, and the results were excellent. Not only will you feel better, you'll end up looking better, have more confidence, be healthier, and the confidence you do gain will work wonders for future relationships or just for feeling better about approaching other women in general.

[studentguy]

After the dust had settled with me and the ex she did get back in touch and apologized for how she went about the whole thing and continuously stressed the fact to me that she didnt cheat or nothing happened with her and anyone while we were together but that didn't really mean much to me any more at that point.

 

I think at times after spending so much of your life with someone, the only way they can get you to accept it's over is to be cruel/horrible, even if they know it's wrong they will do it.

 

Come on, that's not how any person should be treated. That's not what we deserve. What our exes did was absolutely cruel and they didn't care one bit when they did it. You can't tell me you think it's in any sense a normal thing to do what they did.

[Steven1]

Come on, that's not how any person should be treated. That's not what we deserve. What our exes did was absolutely cruel and they didn't care one bit when they did it. You can't tell me you think it's in any sense a normal thing to do what they did.

 

 

Normal? No. But doing what they think is right and what actually is right are two very different things. I believe that mine did what she did as it was the only way I would ever accept it was over, and to a certain extent she was probably right. While I do agree as well that if she had just come clean about it and we had talked about it, I could have accepted it, but I think she did what she did to get it through to my as I would also try to fight for us to stay together, even if at times I knew it was probably for me more than her.

 

But it's different in every person, sadly what they did is something we won't forget, whether we believe they did it on purpose or for better or worse reasons, they still did it, that's something that we will always have tainting the good memories. I had a ton of photos of me and her together from our time in Canada that I have had to delete to move on, but with those I have also had to get rid of photos that were from a very,very good time in our relationship. I will always have fond memories of my time with my ex, but sadly the way she treated me and the person she turned in to will always be there at the same time.

[MIK3 WB]

Hey OP, I've been going through something quite similar to you.

 

My ex started working in a lab and this labmate of hers was getting really close to her. He would invite her over to his place, text her all day, flirt with her, invite her out for drinks, have dinners, watch movies at his place, etc. She has low self esteem so she never thought that anyone could possibly have a romantic interest in her (or at least this is the card she played) so she continued to do these things despite me telling her he likes her.

 

We were already going through a rough time due to her busy schedule, and I guess her solution was to find comfort in someone else rather than work on us. She ended it with me saying she doesn't have time for a relationship and I caught her with him about 2 weeks later and she confessed she likes him.

 

We always think this would never happen to us. We hear stories about these terrible partners and we always think our partners are an exception. The truth is, it can happen to anyone. It's a harsh lesson to learn.

 

I've received tons of great advice when I shared my story and I will give you the same advice. The fact that she ignored your feelings when you said you were hurt by her hanging out with this guy all the time told you enough. Her priority was to hang out with this guy more, not consider your feelings. This is one of the biggest red flags you can get, and you should end it there if it happens again with a future partner. Do not be strung along for months while she says "he's just a friend" and the next thing you know she dumps you for the same guy. The fact that she used your anger with her as an excuse to sleep with another guy says a lot about her character, and you do not want a partner like that in your life.

 

I admire how strong you were with the break up. You didn't beg and plead. You cut contact right away. I commend you for that. I did the exact same and it's nice to see others do the same. It pains me to see people get cheated on and still beg for their partner to come back. You have a lot of self-respect for yourself, and that will attract a better person down the line.

 

Take care man. Work on you.

Edited June 19, 2016 by MIK3 WB

[Steven1]

Hey OP, I've been going through something quite similar to you.

 

My ex started working in a lab and this labmate of hers was getting really close to her. He would invite her over to his place, text her all day, flirt with her, invite her out for drinks, have dinners, watch movies at his place, etc. She has low self esteem so she never thought that anyone could possibly have a romantic interest in her (or at least this is the card she played) so she continued to do these things despite me telling her he likes her.

 

We were already going through a rough time due to her busy schedule, and I guess her solution was to find comfort in someone else rather than work on us. She ended it with me saying she doesn't have time for a relationship and I caught her with him about 2 weeks later and she confessed she likes him.

 

We always think this would never happen to us. We hear stories about these terrible partners and we always think our partners are an exception. The truth is, it can happen to anyone. It's a harsh lesson to learn.

 

I've received tons of great advice when I shared my story and I will give you the same advice. The fact that she ignored your feelings when you said you were hurt by her hanging out with this guy all the time told you enough. Her priority was to hang out with this guy more, not consider your feelings. This is one of the biggest red flags you can get, and you should end it there if it happens again with a future partner. Do not be strung along for months while she says "he's just a friend" and the next thing you know she dumps you for the same guy. The fact that she used your anger with her as an excuse to sleep with another guy says a lot about her character, and you do not want a partner like that in your life.

 

I admire how strong you were with the break up. You didn't beg and plead. You cut contact right away. I commend you for that. I did the exact same and it's nice to see others do the same. It pains me to see people get cheated on and still beg for their partner to come back. You have a lot of self-respect for yourself, and that will attract a better person down the line.

 

Take care man. Work on you.

 

 

Exactly this. Mine said the exact same thing that she didn't want anything romantic with me or a relationship with me or with anyone...then she got with someone else in a very short space of time..., even the same day when I asked her she wouldn't rule out being with someone else, despite saying she wouldn't be lol.

[LD1990]

What happened to you is terrible and unfortunately not uncommon, especially around these parts. Many people are just inherently selfish and do what makes them feel good, regardless of how that affects other people. Your now ex-girlfriend got bored of being in a relationship and has been doing mental gymnastics since then to justify her clearly inappropriate conduct.

 

Texting a guy behind your back? She tells herself that's fine and then when you get upset, you're the bad guy because you're jealous. That causes you to not text her? The relationship is terrible now and it's OK to sleep with this guy. Now, none of that makes sense for any rational human being, but it's not designed to hold up in a court of law. It's just BS she tells herself so she doesn't have to feel like a terrible person. No one wants to feel like the bad guy, so people twist events in their head to justify their cruel actions.

[MIK3 WB]

What happened to you is terrible and unfortunately not uncommon, especially around these parts. Many people are just inherently selfish and do what makes them feel good, regardless of how that affects other people. Your now ex-girlfriend got bored of being in a relationship and has been doing mental gymnastics since then to justify her clearly inappropriate conduct.

 

Texting a guy behind your back? She tells herself that's fine and then when you get upset, you're the bad guy because you're jealous. That causes you to not text her? The relationship is terrible now and it's OK to sleep with this guy. Now, none of that makes sense for any rational human being, but it's not designed to hold up in a court of law. It's just BS she tells herself so she doesn't have to feel like a terrible person. No one wants to feel like the bad guy, so people twist events in their head to justify their cruel actions.

 

This gentleman is absolutely correct. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but lacked the maturity to confront it herself. So, she spun the tables around as if you were the one causing problems by saying you are "too jealous" because she couldn't bear the blame of being the cause of the problems you were having.

 

For what it's worth, this new guy and your ex are likely doomed for failure. The new guy just found out that your ex was dishonest about "being single for a year" and your conversation has now likely sparked doubts in his trust for her. He may start wondering "when is she going to tell other guys she is single and sleep with them behind my back?".

 

Thankfully, it's not your problem anymore.

Edited June 19, 2016 by MIK3 WB

[oldshirt]

sorry to hear about your pain and what happened to you man but this is life and this is kind of how it is at this stage of the game.

 

I am 52 years old now and I went through this a few times before things finally stabilized and settled down.

 

As was said above, this may not be "right" but it unfortunately is pretty common place and dare I say it......normal.

 

22 year old women are pretty much at the prime of their attractiveness and market value and they basically have the pick of the litter when it comes to men and sex etc. The whole world is making them offers day in and day out and it's real easy for a bigger, better deal to come along.

 

Some day you will be the bigger, better deal for someone and you will be the one riding off into the sunset while some other guy is left sitting with his head in his hands wondering what just happened.

 

I will say that this other guy was probably sincere when he said that he didn't know she had a BF. When girls find themselves really attracted to some guy and thinks he's all that, they will act and pretend like they are completely free and single. That is the norm.

 

It is also the norm for young, desirable women to monkey swing from one relationship to the next without hardly a seem in between them. It is actually quite rare for an attractive woman in her early 20s to have any refractory period at all between men and a period of days, weeks or even months of overlap is common.

 

Maybe it ain't 'right' but it is how it is.

 

Look up and institute "The 180" and follow it. It is not a means of getting someone back, but rather it is a formula for how to move on as quickly and efficiently as possible without being drug through the mud and getting your hopes up only to be heartbroke again and again like you would if you to do the "pick me! dance".

 

Move on with your own life and don't look back. Some day you will be the older, more experienced and wiser man and you can offer some advice to some young guy that just got worked over.

 

But for now, you just have to suffer through it and heal.

[bummer]

My ex also dropped me on an apparent dime after a few months of trouble saying she needed to be alone. Found a new guy in two weeks just like that. I feel terrible for you and how she lied to the new guy. Utterly heartless of your ex. I'm sure my ex hasn't mentioned me to the new guy either as all our mural photos have been removed or untagged as well. Gooood luck!

[studentguy]

Thanks for the support, it's good to see that i'm not alone with my problems.

 

How'd it go for you guys? Ever heard from your cheating exes again? Was any ex-partner that cheated honestly sorry and told you they made a mistake?

[keiji]

Thanks for the support, it's good to see that i'm not alone with my problems.

 

How'd it go for you guys? Ever heard from your cheating exes again? Was any ex-partner that cheated honestly sorry and told you they made a mistake?

 

It just happened once to me (as far as I know ) and no, she never apologized. We were together for nine years and she cheated with a workmate. To this day, five years after the breakup, she denies she left me for him. Of course, people don't believe her. It's infuriating, but one day you won't give a damn whether she apologizes or not. When you reach the point of indifference, you won't care if she loves you, hates you or feels any remorse.

 

I cheated on an ex-girlfriend once. We were 17 or 18. Ten years later, I bumped into her and I apologized for having been a real d**k to her. She was happy that I said that and we've been friends ever since. I understand you want to hear those words from her, but she's blaming you for her own actions, just like my ex-wife blamed me for hers. Don't count on it.

[MIK3 WB]

Yeah, hearing an apology would be nice, but it's not something we can wait around for because it may never happen.

 

Even if my ex doesn't say it, I know she feels terrible about what she did. She's just too proud to say it to me, which just makes her even more immature.

[oldshirt]

Thanks for the support, it's good to see that i'm not alone with my problems.

 

How'd it go for you guys? Ever heard from your cheating exes again? Was any ex-partner that cheated honestly sorry and told you they made a mistake?

 

One did in a way here recently as a full grown adult 20+ years later.

 

I think she was sincere in that she was sorry she caused me pain, but I don't think she felt it was a 'mistake' however. And quite frankly looking back on it after all these years and knowing what I know about the world, I don't know if I think she made an actual mistake either.

 

In a free western society we have free will to choose our own mates. That means people make their own decisions based on their own criteria. Each person is obligated to try to get the best person they can for them and are obligated to discontinue involvement with someone they do not believe is right for them even if that person did nothing wrong and even if it will cause that person temporary distress at that time. In the long run it is better to cut losses and move on now, rather than continue and for the other party to become more invested.

 

It hurts to be dumped and it hurts to want to be with someone and have them break it off. It hurts no matter how they do it, how they say it, what time they do it or what they do in the immediate aftermath.

 

You can point fingers that they didn't do it "right," but there really is no right and no painless or clean and tidy way to do it.

 

You will recover from this and will move on and put it behind you. You will experience fun and joy and excitement and love and passion and all of those things again soon.

 

That will happen sooner and more efficiently the sooner you move on with your life and put her behind you and do the things you like to do and that are a positive influence on your life.

[studentguy]

So recently I talked to a mutual friend of ours. This friend had talked to her and told me that my ex regrets everything, feels terrible, still loves me and misses me like mad, etc. (and I do the same)

 

The thing that upsets me is how my ex the story of the breakup.It's that she she was constantly texting with the guy, I got jealous, controled her phone and eventually broke up with her per whatsapp.

 

The thing is: On whatsapp I tried explaining to her why her constant texting and meeting with a guy who is interested in her is wrong, that it hurts me so much, that it's breaking my heart and that I can't imagine that our relationship continueing like that. She didn't really care, and was justifying herself in that conversation and asked me if I was breaking up with her per whatsapp. I replied with no, we are going to see us tomorrrow to which she asked if I was going to break up with her then. That's when I started ignoring her. She just didn't give a damn about me, so why would I be so polite.

 

So in her version of the story this is where I broke up with her, but:

We had planned to go to a barbercue the next evening, and in the evening she texted me asking what we should get for the barbercue. This was a day after the supposed breakup in her version of the story. I wrote her I had other plans. That night she wrote me who attended the barbercue and that she wished me good night and a big kiss. A day later she asked me if she should come sleep over. I was already sleeping, told her "no you shouldn't come" and hung up. That's when she met up with the other guy and went home with him.

 

Now my problem is, that in her story I look like the retard who broke up with her per whatsapp after 4 years and she's telling that around. I don't want to let that slide. What should I do?

[LD1990]

So recently I talked to a mutual friend of ours. This friend had talked to her and told me that my ex regrets everything, feels terrible, still loves me and misses me like mad, etc. (and I do the same)

 

Maybe she feels terrible, maybe she doesn't, just remember that she didn't respect you enough not to cheat on you, and the fact that she lies about your breakup now shows that you clearly isn't that remorseful.

 

Now my problem is, that in her story I look like the retard who broke up with her per whatsapp after 4 years and she's telling that around. I don't want to let that slide. What should I do?

 

It's just a case of "he said, she said" at this point. You can tell people your version of events when you see them, but she'll tell people what she tells people. Nothing you can really do about that, so you just have to accept it.

[Alamo657]

Her age got nothing to do with it, you'll find women who are 30, 40, 50 years old who do exactly the same thing : talking to other guys behind your back, building up sexual tension and then they either cheat or dump you because they want to sleep with him depending on their degree of integrity and respect for you.

 

Then you'll find many women on those boards rolling their eyes to the ceiling and saying having male friends is perfectly fine, and that guys who get jealous when their girlfriend are looking for attention elsewhere are insecure.

 

I think you learned a good lesson, and trust me its better to learn this at 24 than at 33 like i did : if your partner in your relationship is doing things behind your back, this person cannot be trusted.

 

Good luck !