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"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

Lostgirl186

By Lostgirl186
in General Relationship Discussion

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imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

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Sorry, maybe I don't belong here anymore. I don't understand what I am going through, it doesn't fit with everyone's struggles, etc.

 

Of course you do MB.

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Outofmysystem Established Member

Outofmysystem

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Blue, of course you belong here, don't think that at all.....I'm sure we all get where you are at, and you are right, you were looking for him (a friend) to stand up for you in that situation......I have a friend that worked with myself and my xDOW for years (in fact I worked with her twice as long) she knows of the A from me, but my X doesn't know that I told her....she is still friends with both of us, and if I get bent over her she will pull me back from being too harsh because she is still friends with both of us (not saying your friend is xMM's friend) but the point is, you really can't control how they will act towards your X's even if they know everything.....but I get the "purge", and if you feel he needs to be put at distance or gone, do it....take care of yourself, you are the most important person now, period.

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imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

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I look at everyone differently now. From my parents relationship to my own relationship with them and my family. I've lost a lot of friends because I can't trust anyone anymore.

 

I spend much of my time alone with my child tbh. I don't have the energy anymore to socialise much. This is mainly through choice. I can't relate to people the same way I used to before the A.

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imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

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Ladies, I am gonna break nc soon. I am going insane today. I really miss him. So much about him I just love, l.o.v.e love, everything about him. How do I live without this man in my life?! I'm listening to his voicemails more and more when I get stressed. Just hearing his voice puts a massive smile on my face.

 

I am dying

Chica80 Established Member

Chica80

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Ladies, I am gonna break nc soon. I am going insane today. I really miss him. So much about him I just love, l.o.v.e love, everything about him. How do I live without this man in my life?! I'm listening to his voicemails more and more when I get stressed. Just hearing his voice puts a massive smile on my face.

 

I am dying

 

 

IA don't do it!!!! You already know what is going to happen. Remember how much it hurt? He just went on vacation with his family. He is never going to leave he told you that.... Please just sit with it. Please just for a bit a minute....

imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

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I'm practically sitting on my hands

Chica80 Established Member

Chica80

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I'm practically sitting on my hands

 

What would you say to him? What would he say back?

imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

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i have no idea I just want that contact with him

Chica80 Established Member

Chica80

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i have no idea I just want that contact with him

 

Yes...I get that...It's a fix. A momentary fix. Is it because you know he is back?

imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

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Yes I think so. I want him to contact me the I know he's been thinking about me but idk if I can hold out that long. I miss him

Chica80 Established Member

Chica80

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He has been contacting you. He sent you emails right? You've been ignoring him. So he has been thinking about you. You keep him stable a fix of sorts too right?

He is married he will NEVER leave her. He told you so. He has a wife and he has you...

What do you have? Bits and pieces...scraps of time or declarations of affection....WHY does he get everything and you get nothing?

Why is he worth more than you?

imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

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I know, I know. I broke nc and asked when he can come over so we can talk. Anyone can fake nonchalant over email but he can't face to face. I want to see his expression, hear his tone etc he's been in my life for so long I can't end it in a email

Chica80 Established Member

Chica80

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Ok...can you meet him in a public place? Don't let him come over to your house.

You already know what he is going to tell you. You will see him face to face and he will tell you everything you want to hear. He loves you he needs you. HE has to stay married xyz....it will boost his ego and cause you more pain.

MM told me once "pay attention" men will tell you what you want to hear. They say things like love and affection. That's how they trick you into sleeping with you.

Adoraxx Established Member

Adoraxx

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It's ok, angel. Been there, done that.. (many times actually!)

 

I know it's really hard to resist the urge when you want to ask him something/ say something to him! Of course it would be BEST if you would ignore him for the rest of your life from now on, but now that you're going to see him, I just hope that he'll show his true colors to you once again!!! And then hopefully it will give you the strength to move forward and away from him. Keep in mind that you deserve more than his crumbs!!!!!

 

Hugs!!

imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

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It is a 3 hr drive for him to see me. He can only come when it is convenient for me. Probably next week I'm hoping. It'll give me time to think and process everything. It will be at my house I don't want some emotional breakdown in a cafe in town

Adoraxx Established Member

Adoraxx

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Try to decide that you will NOT have sex with him, no matter what he says!! This is a really good step to begin with

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imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

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I don't know. I'll see wha the days when he replies and how this week goes. If he's off with me I may not end up seeing him at all. I really need to see him

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Lostgirl186 Established Member

Lostgirl186

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Day seven of forced NC- since he blocked me after our last encounter. I am about to lose my mind.. I have a pit at the bottom of my stomach that won't go away. I thought things were supposed to at least begin to feel better.. Maybe it's bc he didn't offer me any closure, just blocked me. Obviously he isn't going to unblock me. Why can't I let this go?

MidnightBlue1980 Established Member

MidnightBlue1980

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Day seven of forced NC- since he blocked me after our last encounter. I am about to lose my mind.. I have a pit at the bottom of my stomach that won't go away. I thought things were supposed to at least begin to feel better.. Maybe it's bc he didn't offer me any closure, just blocked me. Obviously he isn't going to unblock me. Why can't I let this go?

 

7 days is nothing. Go easy on yourself. I lost 10 lbs the first two weeks and I was so upset for months. You don't see this now but him blocking you is the best thing he can do for you. You will recover faster than he will. Because you have no choice and he will always wonder if he made the right decision. Give it time.

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ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

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7 days is nothing. Go easy on yourself. I lost 10 lbs the first two weeks and I was so upset for months. You don't see this now but him blocking you is the best thing he can do for you. You will recover faster than he will. Because you have no choice and he will always wonder if he made the right decision. Give it time.

 

Exactly TIME, that four letter word! Give yourself the gift of time to heal. Do not rush this as you want to get over this completely with no residual hang-ups. You gotta walk through the pain though. It isn't easy and it won't always feel this bad. It took me 1 year from NC to get to a point where I did not miss or think of the xOM obsessively. Then as each year passes the memory fades in time until it is a memory with no emotions attached to it. You will get there, you just need to process what has happened.

 

I'm not sure if anyone has asked this, but are you in any type of therapy? Because it is not biased and they won't judge you and will help you understand your feelings and reactions to things.

 

Don't give up and don't contact him!!!

imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

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and he will always wonder if he made the right decision.

 

Great point, I've never thought of it like this

ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

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he will always wonder if he made the right decision.

 

Just wanted to say from my MOW POV I never once questioned if I made the right decision staying with my H. I did however reflect that the A ending was the best outcome for everyone as I never would have been fulfilled in a relationship with my xOM.

 

I am not sure this is something AP's should get hung up on and may impede your healing.

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Lostgirl186 Established Member

Lostgirl186

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Who's had they're MM or MW abruptly block them? I don't even know how in supposed to let it go when it's all I think about. Ugh. I want to run away.

Chica80 Established Member

Chica80

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Who's had they're MM or MW abruptly block them? I don't even know how in supposed to let it go when it's all I think about. Ugh. I want to run away.

 

LOST. I understand how painful it is. The issue is not really that he blocked you, or even him. He could be anyone. He was an escape from your painful marrage. What you thought was love when it's the one thing you are craving. Now "love is gone" but it's not.

Really it doesn't feel like it but it's the only way to heal and move forward.....

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MidnightBlue1980 Established Member

MidnightBlue1980

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Just wanted to say from my MOW POV I never once questioned if I made the right decision staying with my H. I did however reflect that the A ending was the best outcome for everyone as I never would have been fulfilled in a relationship with my xOM.

 

I am not sure this is something AP's should get hung up on and may impede your healing.

 

Well, it was what my xMM said to me, how at night when he is alone he wonders what if he had left. It haunts him. Does it really? Who knows, he is a pathological liar. He tended to say what the other person wanted to hear, me or his wife.

 

No, the other person should not think about that stuff or care. I do not feel bad for him or happy about it. I feel not much at all.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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