Do many affair partners encourage the married person to stay married?

[Mr. Lucky]

I think the only reason the OM/OW would encourage the other to work on their marriage is it is the easy way out of the affair for them. They used you and got what they wanted, now it is time to move on, so why don't you go work on your marriage.

 

Would have to agree. And would also have to acknowledge the irony of advising your AP to work on their marriage. Kind of like having your loan shark recommend financial management seminars.

 

While there are certainly exceptions, I'd guess most of this type of advice is more self-serving than altruistic...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

It obviously depends on whether the MM/MW is seen as marriage/LTR material or not.

If not, then who in their right mind would advise them to leave the BS.

Some OW/OM specifically date married people as their intention is to avoid serious relationships and getting "involved".

[JLeaks3]

It obviously depends on whether the MM/MW is seen as marriage/LTR material or not.

If not, then who in their right mind would advise them to leave the BS.

Some OW/OM specifically date married people as their intention is to avoid serious relationships and getting "involved".

 

No words. Just seeing a whole lot of red right now.

[minimariah]

I'm sure the husband had a say in it and it was all the evil other woman's fault

 

this is a thread about APs encouraging or NOT encouraging reconciliation; just because the poster focused on the AP, it doesn't mean that they don't blame the WS or consider them a victim. your comment is uncalled for.

[RecentChange]

I don't know - I guess my affair was "weird". He suggested "friends with benefits" and we basically made a handshake agreement before going down that path.....

 

I asked him the following before agreeing:

 

1. Your relationship is good right, not on the rocks or anything, not looking to break up right?

 

2. I can keep sex and emotion separate, done it before, I can do it again. Can YOU?

 

3. This is going to simply NSA, I am certainly not looking for a "boy friend" - you agree?

 

I didn't have to encourage him to stay with his wife. There was never any question that he would stay with his wife. He said everything was fine at home, never said a single word against her. He never gave me a reason why he was cheating (besides he was selfish and she didn't deserve it)- his actions and other conversations led me to believe he probably wasn't very sexually satisfied at home, and wasn't a monogamist at heart. Not that those are excuses, but they are reasons.

 

It was just a bunch of cake eating.

[oldshirt]

I agree John to a degree, I think a large portion of Om/mm get a real kick out of bedding and controlling mw . Reminds me of the Jennifer anitson movie where she was attracted to Kevin Bacon who was only interested in women In relationship. The better the marriage the more of a kick it is for the ego.

 

 

 

I can't speak for other OM, but this was not my experience when I was an OM.

 

 

 

 

I had no interest in nor got any ego boost from controlling MW.

 

 

MW were simply easier and more available and had less needs than single women at the time.

 

 

I had no higher calling other than it was married women that were stopping by my house.

 

 

I had trouble with single women back then but married women were stopping by.

 

 

I know my experiences do not represent all single OM, but I truly believe that the vast majority of single OM are simply in it for the easy poon. It's not that they specifically target MW for this reason or that. It is that a MW makes herself available somehow and the OM simply doesn't care one way or another that she is married or not.

 

 

If all a guy wants is intense, NSA sex, then a bored, lonely, sexually frustrated MW who wants to maintain her married lifestyle is the perfect ticket.

[oldshirt]

I don't know - I guess my affair was "weird". He suggested "friends with benefits" and we basically made a handshake agreement before going down that path.....

 

I asked him the following before agreeing:

 

1. Your relationship is good right, not on the rocks or anything, not looking to break up right?

 

2. I can keep sex and emotion separate, done it before, I can do it again. Can YOU?

 

3. This is going to simply NSA, I am certainly not looking for a "boy friend" - you agree?

 

I didn't have to encourage him to stay with his wife. There was never any question that he would stay with his wife. He said everything was fine at home, never said a single word against her. He never gave me a reason why he was cheating (besides he was selfish and she didn't deserve it)- his actions and other conversations led me to believe he probably wasn't very sexually satisfied at home, and wasn't a monogamist at heart. Not that those are excuses, but they are reasons.

 

It was just a bunch of cake eating.

 

 

This is what was similar to my experience(s) almost verbatim.

 

 

Other than that one MW, none of them even hinted towards leaving their husbands or having any inclinations about leaving.

 

 

The one that did ask me if I would take her if she left, was very frustrated with her marital sexlife and was very dissatisfied with her H and simply wanted to move on. I honestly do not think she was really all that interested in ME per se and wasn't really considering leaving "for" me, but rather just wondering if I'd have her if she did leave.

[Confusedwman1981]

I have been the OW for 6 years. And I specifically told him that the number one rule was to protect his family and marriage. And make sure he didn't get caught. I even helped him cover his tracks. I actually gave into him because he was married. He always said he knew if he was single he wouldn't have me. I liked the fact he could rarely get away. That way I was free to do what I wanted. So as long as he was married I only dealt with him when I wanted. He is the possessive and territorial type who demanded that there was no one other than him. When he talked about divorce, spending the night with me, or taking me out. I would tel him he's been married to long and had kids to let it go. I would never have considered him as relationship material because he is a serial cheater. He cheated on his two previous and current marriage. Would never trust him!!

[Mr. Lucky]

And I specifically told him that the number one rule was to protect his family and marriage.

 

He is the possessive and territorial type who demanded that there was no one other than him.

 

In what universe do these two statements make sense ???

 

There are some pretty simple ways you could protect his marriage and he could address his need for exclusivity. Both involve respecting his marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lemondrop21]

Minimariah is right on point. From the very beginning, I encouraged him in seeking IC and in being absolutely sure the marriage was over, before leaving. I would NOT want that decision to be "on me."

 

The most I ever did in terms of questioning him, was to ask him whether it would ruin him to be away from the kids. At the time he wasn't sure, but I think he later realized that yes, it would ruin him. And that then he would take out his resentment on me. When I actually thought through the situation, it was pretty bleak.

[oldshirt]

In what universe do these two statements make sense ???

 

There are some pretty simple ways you could protect his marriage and he could address his need for exclusivity. Both involve respecting his marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

In the twisted world of infidelity it makes perfect sense. I was the same way although I was an OM.

 

People who haven't been on that side of the fence have this idea that the AP always wants the WS to leave the BS so they can be together full time.

 

That is often just patently false. Many APs absolutely do NOT want their MS on their doorstep looking for a port in the storm and would not want their MS full time or even regular part time.

 

When I was having my trysts with MW, I wanted them to come over when they were horny and had nothing else on their plate and were ready to drop the clothes on the floor when they came through the door and I wanted it at a time that I was available and was convenient for me.

 

I did not want them calling me and wanting me to take them on dates and dinners and out with my friends or home to meet the parents etc etc etc. I wanted them to walk in, have hot, porno sex and then leave. A regular single person on the dating market is not likely to do that. They are going to want a lot of other things that an AP may not want to deal with.

 

I know this seems completely twisted and alien to someone who is not an AP, but the stability of their marriages were actually very important to my fun time. If they had marital woes, or wanted more than just a fun romp in the hay, it would negatively impact my fun.

 

In regards to the statement about exclusivity, Some AP's who are pining for their MS and do want to have a traditional R with them sometimes are exclusive on to the MS but the vast majority are not and do not want to be.

 

I do not think Confusedwoman1981 meant that she was actually exclusive to her MM or that he was demanding that she be exclusive to him. What I think she meant was that she was able to date and hook up with whoever she wanted as an OW but that if her MM was a single man or was in a traditional relationship with her, he would've been demanding and controlling and would've insisted on exclusivity.

 

That's what I think she meant, she can correct me if I am mistaken.

 

As I said earlier in the thread, if someone is simply looking for some NSA fun and doesn't want all the effort and work and candlight dinners and moonlight walks on the beach of dating, it is really hard to beat a lonely, frustrated and bored MS.

[oldshirt]

I would never have considered him as relationship material because he is a serial cheater.

 

And this is a common theme with many APs as well.

 

Again, it is a widely believed myth that APs want the WS fulltime. Most do not. Most do not consider the WS relationship material and would not pick them up fulltime if they were to leave their marriage.

 

I am coming from the perspective of an OM but I think it applies to many OW as well.

 

I think the OW that make the most noise and the ones we hear about the most are the ones that are pining for the MM and want him to leave the BW for her, but I think those are the ones that are the most scorned and therefor the most vocal and are the ones we hear about.

 

I don't think we hear about the ones that just want a MM doting on them and love'n on them and boosting their ego, but don't really see them as relationship material.

 

Those just discretely continue to hide in the shadows and you don't hear about those.

[Lovetoohard]

I did, especially initially. Lots of times. I encouraged him to talk to his wife and go to IC. As the A progressed to deeper emotional attachment and future talk by my MM, I pulled back and put an end to it as by continuing to do the family thing while being with me wasn't being fair to his wife or me. I never told him to divorce his wife and be with me. I simply wanted him to stop hurting me and figure his life out for himself. Whether that meant him continuing with his marriage and fixing it or leaving his wife, that was entirely his decision at that point and one that I had no intention of influencing or helping him with.

[Lois_Griffin]

Both me and the young lady agreed it's wrong and that we feel better when we do the right thing so we agreed to end it soon.

LOL. How noble of you both to 'end it soon.' And how noble of your OW to insist that you stay put and martyr yourself in a marriage that makes you so miserable.

 

If you're so miserable, why don't you just leave?

 

I'll assume it's because you don't want to have to do your own laundry, cook your own meals, have your kids for a straight 48 hour weekend without your wife there to do 90% of the care-taking for them, and you don't want to take the financial hit to you assets and pay child support for the next 15 years.

 

Since you say she's young, it's more likely she simply has no desire to be with you on a permanent basis or deal with a ready-mde family, so it's pretty easy for her to 'encourage' you to stay married. If she actually wanted you on a full-time basis, she'd be all ABOUT having you leave.

[Lois_Griffin]

I would never have considered him as relationship material because he is a serial cheater. He cheated on his two previous and current marriage. Would never trust him!!

And this is another reason she encourages you to stay. She knows you're a cheater.

[wmacbride]

I have read through the thread, and find the variety of responses quite interesting.

 

There is also a lot of self delusion going on in the responses where the ow/om claims to not want the mp to leave their marriage because they don't want the bs ( or bs's, depending on the situation) to be hurt or families to break up.

 

If that was the case, they wouldn't have gotten involved in an A.

 

I really have to wonder at the logic of those who rationalize(d) the A by saying they didn't want to hurt anyone and encouraging the ws to stay married.. It's basically saying, " I am going to get involved in something that could potentially hurt this person's bs and family, but that's the last thing I want so I am going to push them to improve their marriage". It just doesn;t make any sense.

 

I don't see the logic in that at all, especially if the additional claim is made that the A is simply something on the side with no real attachment.

 

Was that risk of harm to the bs, children, etc. worth it?

 

I guess my mind simply doesn't work that way. If you don't want to be involved in something that you know can harm someone else, then don't get involved in it. I'm not saying those responders are lying, but there is , at best, some very faulty logic involved.

 

I'm more inclined to give credence to those who responded along the lines of they encouraged their ap to stay and work on their M for a self serving reason, as, quite frankly, there is more self awareness in them.

[SammySammy]

If I had known my AP was married, I never would've gotten involved in an affair. I've never been in an affair before or since.

 

I also ended the affair before it was discovered. As far as I know, the only people who know she had an affair is her and I. Her husband is blissfully unaware and thinks he has a great wife. What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him.

 

I know what my intentions were better than anyone else.

 

If there's any faulty logic, it's in assuming ones simplistic view of the world fits every situation. It doesn't.

[wbm665]

Yes for me. I started dating my MM when he was separated from the wife. It was to be very casual and a bridge relationship for both of us. When his kids starting having issues and he considered going back to work on the marriage, I encouraged him to work on his marriage and provided suggestions.

 

 

When he came back about 4 months later and told me it hadn't worked and he moved out again, I believed him and we resumed dating about a month after that. It wasn't for another 3 or so months that I found out he hadn't moved out. I still don't know how he got away with staying at my house so much when the relationship was so rocky.

 

 

When I discovered that he had not been separated the second time, I ended the relationship again and told him to figure his **** out.

 

 

He ended up filing for divorce, but it sure as hell wasn't because of me despite what his BW thinks. I know he was lying to me and I assume he was lying to her.

[wmacbride]

If I had known my AP was married, I never would've gotten involved in an affair. I've never been in an affair before or since.

 

I also ended the affair before it was discovered. As far as I know, the only people who know she had an affair is her and I. Her husband is blissfully unaware and thinks he has a great wife. What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him.

 

I know what my intentions were better than anyone else.

 

If there's any faulty logic, it's in assuming ones simplistic view of the world fits every situation. It doesn't.

 

So I take it that as soon as you found out she was married, you called off the affair?

 

btw, unless you are in his head, you have no idea how "blissfully unaware" he is about what happened.

[SammySammy]

So I take it that as soon as you found out she was married, you called off the affair?

 

btw, unless you are in his head, you have no idea how "blissfully unaware" he is about what happened.

 

Despite what I don't know, you know even less - about me or the situation. Why I have reason to believe he doesn't know.

 

It's not even worth explaining to you, but thanks for reminding me how ridiculous it is to try to judge people and situations you know nothing about.

[Jersey born raised]

I wonder how many WS would be shocked to read and suddenly realize In their gut this is exactly what they mean to their AP? How many WS are under the impression this must mean something special.

 

I would love to post this post on some WS boards but sure as shyt I get banned.

[heartwhole]

OW told WH that he was her last chance at having a family. She Tweeted at him that he just needed to be strong enough to let go (of that pesky old wife), and on DD she Tweeted that she was not going to give up. . . Dear Twittersphere: I am not giving up on Heartwhole being dumped on her ass! I am not giving up on those children living in two households! I'm not going to let the lying cheat slip through my fingers!

 

So I'd say she was "in it to win it." Now a year plus later, she vacillates between tweeting/blogging about her loneliness and her belief that she's just single because God is saving her for someone super duper extra special. I'm of the opinion that when you are a healthy person who makes good choices, things tend to work themselves out. There are plenty of potential partners out there, and it doesn't take a higher power to play matchmaker (with other people's spouses, no less).

[oldshirt]

I wonder how many WS would be shocked to read and suddenly realize In their gut this is exactly what they mean to their AP? How many WS are under the impression this must mean something special.

 

I would love to post this post on some WS boards but sure as shyt I get banned.

 

I dunno 'bout that.

 

I don't think many WS's are that delusional. Sure some might have some pie in the sky dreams of their AP being madly in love with them, but I think most are just after some extra tail and don't really care.

 

Some of the loneliest, most frustrated and most dissatisfied people on the planet are married men and women and some are just thankful they are getting some extra side action and don't really care about much past their next roll in the hay.

 

I doubt many of them are having any delusions of grandeur either.

[oldshirt]

I dunno 'bout that.

 

I don't think many WS's are that delusional. Sure some might have some pie in the sky dreams of their AP being madly in love with them, but I think most are just after some extra tail and don't really care.

 

Some of the loneliest, most frustrated and most dissatisfied people on the planet are married men and women and some are just thankful they are getting some extra side action and don't really care about much past their next roll in the hay.

 

I doubt many of them are having any delusions of grandeur either.

 

.....remember most WS's that are in ongoing going affairs, affair-down. Their AP is usually not as good a mate as their BS.

 

In affairs where the AP is clearly a bigger, better deal and will have the WS, the WS's often leave, leave quickly and don't look back.

 

out of the grand total of affairs that take place, that actually happens very rarely.

[merrmeade]

.....remember most WS's that are in ongoing going affairs, affair-down. Their AP is usually not as good a mate as their BS.

 

In affairs where the AP is clearly a bigger, better deal and will have the WS, the WS's often leave, leave quickly and don't look back.

 

out of the grand total of affairs that take place, that actually happens very rarely.

Very interesting. Where did you say you observed this phenomenon in the animal kingdom? Sounds like mates jumping up the evolutionary ladder to get a better provider - or: The better the berry picker, the faster they run off together.

If Beto can't give Betty better berries,

But to Betty, Barry's berry-picking's swell,

Then Betty's gonna berry-pick with Barry,

And leave Beto berry-picking back in hell.