My BF apologizes all the time for every little thing

[TXGuy]

Re: "He is submissive to you"

I don't think so. He makes his own decisions, he does as he wishes when he wishes, he got his own life, friends, hobbies, plans. And I cannot 'tell him' what to do. That approach does not work with him so I doubt he is submissive to me. He has no problem telling me no if it does not sit well with him.

 

If not submissive, he is rather deferential to you. As I recall, he drives an hour each way, each night/morning to see you despite the fact that his place is just a couple of minutes from his work.

 

The over-apologizing might tie into the disproportionate effort he seems to make in the rest of the relationship.

 

He is obviously really into you. Hopefully, he doesn't over do it and turn you off.

Edited June 16, 2016 by TXGuy

[GemmaUK]

Well, he is certainly walking on eggshells around you, maybe he has you on a pedestal which is not a good thing.

 

What do you know of his previous romantic relationships?

 

If he suffered abuse you must bear in mind that he could be capable of it and if does have you on a pedestal - that's one of the first signs.

[Gaeta]

Well, he is certainly walking on eggshells around you, maybe he has you on a pedestal which is not a good thing.

 

What do you know of his previous romantic relationships?

 

If he suffered abuse you must bear in mind that he could be capable of it and if does have you on a pedestal - that's one of the first signs.

 

He had 2 relationships of 10 years each. It's unclear why his first marriage failed. I never caught him saying anything negative about it. It's different with his second relationship though, she was controlling, manipulative, aggressive, he heavily disagreed on things she taught their daughter, etc.

 

I think the root of all this is in the mother. He warned me ahead of time when we go visit his mother we're not going to stay at her house and we will spend very little time with her. Apparently she interfered and created a lot of problems in both his relationships.

Edited June 16, 2016 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

If not submissive, he is rather deferential to you. As I recall, he drives an hour each way, each night/morning to see you despite the fact that his place is just a couple of minutes from his work.

 

The over-apologizing might tie into the disproportionate effort he seems to make in the rest of the relationship.

 

He is obviously really into you. Hopefully, he doesn't over do it and turn you off.

 

You think he makes too much efforts?

 

I thought it was a normal progression for a relationship of 7 months for 2 people of 49 and 50. We started by 2 dates a week, then grew in 3 dates a week, then weekends together, and we slowly got into being together full time over the last 2 months. Our goal is to move in together maybe buy a little house. We better get to know each other on a day to day base before than to jump from 3 dates a week to move-in together....right!

[elaine567]

It's different with his second relationship though, she was controlling, manipulative, aggressive, he heavily disagreed on things she taught their daughter, etc.

 

I think the root of all this is in the mother. He warned me ahead of time when we go visit his mother we're not going to stay at her house and we will spend very little time with her. Apparently she interfered and created a lot of problems in both his relationships.

 

 

I guess he is still in second relationship mode, he is always apologising as that is probably what he needed to do to keep the peace with his controlling aggressive partner, it may go back further if his mother was a difficult person too.

[TXGuy]

You think he makes too much efforts?

 

I thought it was a normal progression for a relationship of 7 months for 2 people of 49 and 50. We started by 2 dates a week, then grew in 3 dates a week, then weekends together, and we slowly got into being together full time over the last 2 months. Our goal is to move in together maybe buy a little house. We better get to know each other on a day to day base before than to jump from 3 dates a week to move-in together....right!

 

It's normal and great that you guys have progressed to six nights a week. The fact that he is the one making a two hour round trip every day is one indicator he is putting more effort into the relationship. He is doing this even though he works long hours at physical labor.

 

There isn't necessarily anything wrong with that. But the driving thing came to my mind when you brought up the over apologizing issue. It seems like he is a people pleaser (or a 'you' pleaser). Some people expect that. Some people tolerate it. Some people are annoyed by it.

[Gaeta]

It's normal and great that you guys have progressed to six nights a week. The fact that he is the one making a two hour round trip every day is one indicator he is putting more effort into the relationship. He is doing this even though he works long hours at physical labor.

 

There isn't necessarily anything wrong with that. But the driving thing came to my mind when you brought up the over apologizing issue. It seems like he is a people pleaser (or a 'you' pleaser). Some people expect that. Some people tolerate it. Some people are annoyed by it.

 

I am also driving 1 hr to get home after work. We live in a city with heavy traffic. I get home first so he always arrives to a warm home-cooked meal, his clothes are clean, the fridge is always filled with his favorites, a comfortable bed, and a loving woman. Seems what he gets is worth the 1 hr traffic to get to me.

 

If going to his place was an option I'd head to him after work. Then we both would have to drive 4km to get to work in the morning but it's not an option. He lives in a bachelor apartment, no cable, no Internet, not equipped for cooking and there is the matter of my dog waiting for me at home. If we want to be together then he needs to come to my home in the suburb. He told me many times he does not mind he'd drive twice what he does to be with me.

[jen1447]

Def sounds like a power shift in your direction to me, G.

[Gaeta]

Def sounds like a power shift in your direction to me, G.

 

Good stuff. If I detain the power in our relationship then we're in good hands.

[jen1447]

Good stuff. If I detain the power in our relationship then we're in good hands.

 

Spoken like a true domme. (j/k)

 

There are actually risks w/a 'power imbalance' tho, so be careful.

[Cablebandit]

Sounds like a good guy. i'd take this all day long over someone who never apologizes when wrong.

 

Have you tried doing the same to him just so he can hear it reflected back to him? We aren't that bright. Sometimes you can train us with Caesar Milan techniques

[Popsicle]

Sounds like a good guy. i'd take this all day long over someone who never apologizes when wrong.

 

Have you tried doing the same to him just so he can hear it reflected back to him? We aren't that bright. Sometimes you can train us with Caesar Milan techniques

 

That's a good idea. I'd reflect this back to him as an experiment.

[Gaeta]

I did apologize for something. Ironic I can't remember the details but he said something over breakfast one day and I right away criticized him. It was something trivial that did not deserve a poke on my part. I felt bad all day and at night I apologized to him. He said it's nothing and I did not need to apologize I had done nothing wrong.

 

I'm sure deep down he appreciated I recognized I had been prompt with him and felt bad about it.

[katiegrl]

I did apologize for something. Ironic I can't remember the details but he said something over breakfast one day and I right away criticized him. It was something trivial that did not deserve a poke on my part. I felt bad all day and at night I apologized to him. He said it's nothing and I did not need to apologize I had done nothing wrong.

 

I'm sure deep down he appreciated I recognized I had been prompt with him and felt bad about it.

 

Did he apologize for doing whatever it was you initially criticized him for? Just curious..

 

Gaeta, what do you think it is? What is your gut telling you?

 

You said in your original post that you think he says sorry all the time because he feels bad about something.

 

What do you think he feels bad about? Something about your relationship? Something about himself?

 

Do you suspect he may be hiding something?

 

Not suggesting he is, it could be anything really.

 

But again, what does your gut tell you?

 

We could all guess and speculate until hell freezes over, bottom line is, you know him, we don't.

Edited June 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[S2B]

Ask him why he inadvertently apologizes for every little thing.

 

Explain that it definitely waters down whether he's really sorry or not.

 

It is a habit he can change. But not if he isn't aware he does it - when he becomes more aware of himself and his behavior he may be capable of changing this habit.

 

Someone made him feel badly enough through the years for him to over apologize. It's a learned behavior that shows he becomes less responsible for his bad behavior if he just says I'm sorry.

 

Sorry means absolutely nothing if behavior doesn't change and he does it again.

 

If the words and actions don't match then it's not sincere and it becomes meaningless.

 

What message is he sending you? What does your gut say?

 

Is he an insecure and insincere guy in other areas?

[Jabron1]

Ask him why he inadvertently apologizes for every little thing.

 

Explain that it definitely waters down whether he's really sorry or not.

 

It is a habit he can change. But not if he isn't aware he does it - when he becomes more aware of himself and his behavior he may be capable of changing this habit.

 

This is the way to deal with the situation.

 

Don't start mirroring him. Mirroring will give you an unpredictable response which you may not find favorable.

[katiegrl]

This is the way to deal with the situation.

 

Don't start mirroring him. Mirroring will give you an unpredictable response which you may not find favorable.

 

In this case, I 100% agree, do *not* mirror his behavior..... communication is best.

[jen1447]

If Gaeta's become the dominant figure in the relationship tho and it's a thing that happened or developed (he didn't used to apologize all the time, remember), then he's likely just generally deferring to her and he won't have a good reason for being apologetic and may not even particularly see himself as being that way. And saying "stop apologizing" doesn't work, bc you have to address the root issue - the power imbalance - not the circumstances of it.

[Jabron1]

If Gaeta's become the dominant figure in the relationship tho and it's a thing that happened or developed (he didn't used to apologize all the time, remember), then he's likely just generally deferring to her and he won't have a good reason for being apologetic and may not even particularly see himself as being that way. And saying "stop apologizing" doesn't work, bc you have to address the root issue - the power imbalance - not the circumstances of it.

 

It does work.

 

I used to say an annoying phrase that I picked up from a friend. He used to come out with 'know what I mean?' all the time. The girl I was going out with at the time picked up on me starting to do this and used to respond 'no' as a wind-up. Made me realize that I was starting to say it too.

 

The thing with the 'root issue' is that you can't expect a guy to compromise as much as this fella has in such a short time, and not be submissive in some way. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

She seems very happy with her position in the relationship. In other words, she likes the power imbalance. Maybe he does too.

 

If this is really the only problem they have, it can be easily solved by direct conversation.

[SammySammy]

I guess he is still in second relationship mode, he is always apologising as that is probably what he needed to do to keep the peace with his controlling aggressive partner, it may go back further if his mother was a difficult person too.

 

Yep.

 

Dealing with the present based on what happened in the past. Though we don't know or have a full understanding of what happened in the past.

 

Some people call that baggage.

[jen1447]

It does work.

No it doesn't. That's like getting a hypochondriac to stop worrying by saying "stop worrying."

 

To fix the problem, the underlying issue has to be addressed. If I'm right about the power imbalance, it's that he ultimately feels inferior to Gaeta. Inferiority leads to deference, and deference manifests (among other ways) as being overly apologetic for fear of upsetting the 'superior' partner. But it can become chronic, and the practice in that sense just becomes general cautionary behavior - walking on tiptoes, treading lightly, whatever. Kissing ass so as to head-off any potential problems. It's just survival instinct for ppl who are losing ground socially.

 

The problem is, usually unbeknownst to the ass-kisser, that behavior only creates resentment in the other person, bc they begin to lose respect for them and view them as childish, needy, weak, etc. If that happens without any corrections of course, the relationship is generally done before long.

 

No idea if all that's really what's going on w/G and her man, but I've seen that general situ play out that way many times.

[katiegrl]

Yep.

 

Dealing with the present based on what happened in the past.

 

Though we don't know or have a full understanding of what happened in the past.

 

Some people call that baggage.

 

Neither does Gaeta apparently, but she should find out if she wants this resolved.

 

Personally, I would want to know about his past regardless... because knowing would allow us to grow closer, more intimate, gain a better understanding of each other.... and vice versa.

[katiegrl]

No it doesn't. That's like getting a hypochondriac to stop worrying by saying "stop worrying."

 

To fix the problem, the underlying issue has to be addressed. If I'm right about the power imbalance, it's that he ultimately feels inferior to Gaeta. Inferiority leads to deference, and deference manifests (among other ways) as being overly apologetic for fear of upsetting the 'superior' partner. But it can become chronic, and the practice in that sense just becomes general cautionary behavior - walking on tiptoes, treading lightly, whatever. Kissing ass so as to head-off any potential problems. It's just survival instinct for ppl who are losing ground socially.

 

The problem is, usually unbeknownst to the ass-kisser, that behavior only creates resentment in the other person, bc they begin to lose respect for them and view them as childish, needy, weak, etc. If that happens without any corrections of course, the relationship is generally done before long.

 

No idea if all that's really what's going on w/G and her man, but I've seen that general situ play out that way many times.

 

^^This sounds right to me...

[katiegrl]

jen, re your last post, just curious. I am unfamiliar with true sub/dom relationships or even relationships with a significant power imbalance, but is the below something a dominant woman would do in the RL?

 

 

I get home first so he always arrives to a warm home-cooked meal, his clothes are clean, the fridge is always filled with his favorites, a comfortable bed, and a loving woman.

 

I wouldn't think so, in fact I would think when her bf arrives, he would do the cooking for her (at least sometimes), the laundry (occasionally?) and make an effort to fill the fridge too since he is spending six night a week there?

 

My point is that perhaps there isn't such a power imbalance, Gaeta does A LOT, more than many women would do. I know she enjoys it, taking care of her man... I guess I am just a little confused about this power imbalance thing you suggested.

 

I am thinking now he may feel a bit guilty about all the things she does for him... perhaps he feels inadequate is some way as he can't give to her what she gives to him... and that guilt has manifested itself into him apologizing all the time... I dunno.

 

Edit: Apologies to Gaeta for discussing her and her RL in the third person.

Edited June 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[SammySammy]

I wouldn't assume he's coming from a place of inferiority.

 

Sometimes a person can come on too strong, too harsh, or too rough. The person he was in a relationship with could have complained and he started apologizing for that. Not for being inferior, but for being too hard.

 

Gaeta mentioned him apologizing for "making" her watch a scary movie they all chose. That suggests concern that he was too overbearing. Not inferior.

 

She said he's self-confident. Comfortable with himself and others. With making decisions. I seriously doubt he feels inferior.

 

Sounds like he likes the woman and is apologizing for stepping on her toes before he has stepped on her toes. Because stepping on toes has been a problem in the past.

 

But, we're all just speculation. I trust Gaeta will get to the bottom of it.