My BF apologizes all the time for every little thing

[jen1447]

jen, re your last post, just curious. I am unfamiliar with true sub/dom relationships or even relationships with a significant power imbalance, but is the below something a dominant woman would do in the RL?

 

 

 

I wouldn't think so, in fact I would think when her bf arrives, he would do the cooking for her (at least sometimes), the laundry (occasionally?) and make an effort to fill the fridge too since he is spending six night a week there?

 

My point is that perhaps there isn't such a power imbalance, Gaeta does A LOT, more than many women would do. I know she enjoys it, taking care of her man... I guess I am just a little confused about this power imbalance thing you suggested.

 

Edit: Apologies to Gaeta for discussing her and her RL in the third person.

 

Well there are always degrees (and they're generally not extreme differences, that's just an easier way of illustrating it). Also the imbalance tends to be set in motion by the 'inferior' one, based on their perceptions, so it doesn't necessary have to have anything to do at all with the 'superior' one's actions. If they start to feel psychologically like the superior has the advantages, and esp if they feel like they are starting to distance themselves (presumably bc of it - associate w/others and so on, less and less spiritual bonding), then they can conjure up this imbalance almost entirely in their minds irrespective of any outward actions on the part of their partner. And like I said above, that has an insidious way of becoming self-fulfilling bc those attitudes and actions may drive the other partner away, even if they weren't going before.

 

All this isn't to be confused w/sex play or 24/7 Dom/sub situations. By way of example, I think CarrieT is a full-time sub, which might involve her doing stuff like you mentioned Gaeta does above, only within the D/s context of their relationship, not just in general. I doubt G is doing all that as a result of a socio-sexual dynamic between them, it's just her natural way of living and her usual back and forth.

 

What I could foresee happening in the doomsday (lol) scenario tho is G stops doing those things bc her regard for her guy slips beyond the point of caring to show outward affection at all.

 

(Again this is all generally theoretical - no idea if this is Gaeta's situation at all in particular. But some of the outward circumstances at least point to the possibility.)

[Gaeta]

Did he apologize for doing whatever it was you initially criticized him for? Just curious..

No and he had no reason to apologize I was the one in the wrong. I wish I remembered the comment he made. It was so trivial I forgot.

 

Gaeta, what do you think it is? What is your gut telling you?.

Don't they say the mother is always the source of all our struggle? One of the times I asked him why he apologizes all the time he said: Because my mother raised me to be nice with women and to always apologize.

 

At the time I thought it was just a cute answer but I think it's the source of his behavior.

 

What do you think he feels bad about? Something about your relationship? Something about himself?.

I was trying to relate to him. I know when I have to apologize to someone I feel disappointed I did something that deserves and apology. I was wondering if he apologizes all the time does this mean he feels disappointed at himself all the time. I want him to be at peace not constantly struggling inside.

 

Do you suspect he may be hiding something?

Hiding no. But I know so little about him even if we are together a lot. Sometimes I tell him : you realize I know nothing of you, never met your friends, family, I know nothing of your world. (for those not familiar with my story he is from France, I'm in Canada).

[katiegrl]

 

Hiding no. But I know so little about him even if we are together a lot. Sometimes I tell him : you realize I know nothing of you, never met your friends, family, I know nothing of your world. (for those not familiar with my story he is from France, I'm in Canada).

 

Thanks for answering my questions G -- we'll get to the bottom of this if it kills us... lol

 

What you mentioned above would bother me a bit though. Do you ask and he just doesn't wish to answer?

 

Also wondering, have you visited his place? You said it's a bachelor apt with no computer, cable or functioning kitchen so I presume you've seen it?

[Gaeta]

Thanks for answering my questions G -- we'll get to the bottom of this if it kills us... lol

 

What you mentioned above would bother me a bit though. Do you ask and he just doesn't wish to answer?

He does not play secretive. Maybe he does not know himself why he apologizes all the time.

 

Also wondering, have you visited his place? You said it's a bachelor apt with no computer, cable or functioning kitchen so I presume you've seen it?

No, I have not yet visited his place. He told me he'll take me over anytime I wish. I did not express the wish to visit yet. Time flies. We're out and about a lot, he works most Saturdays, I just neglected to get this done.

[Weezy1973]

Hiding no. But I know so little about him even if we are together a lot. Sometimes I tell him : you realize I know nothing of you, never met your friends, family, I know nothing of your world. (for those not familiar with my story he is from France, I'm in Canada).

 

So this raised a flag. It seems that although your relationship seems okay, there isn't any real intimacy. Google the term "fantasy bond". He might be resistant to share who he really is for fear that the relationship will end. He is more concerned with being a good boyfriend than being himself. He apologizes for things because he just wants you to be happy with him. If you have any perfectionist streak in you, or are prone to black and white thinking, these issues will be exasperated.

[kismetkismet]

Yes! My boyfriend often does this. He’ll apologize for getting up and tidying the apartment while we’re watching TV. Or he will apologize for taking too long with making me dinner – he’ll thank me for being so patient after making me a beautifully plated meal. He does an insane amount for me and still apologizes. He’ll apologize and become deeply concerned any time literally anything goes wrong and thinks that it’s his responsibility to fix my life.

 

I have more or less chalked this up to two things: First his mom left his dad (who is unendingly sweet) when he was 14. She had multiple unsteady boyfriends around while he was young and put his dad in a very difficult financial situation. Then when he was 16 his mom took his two little sisters who he adores to live a 15 hr drive away with her new bf (now husband).

 

Second, he’s always chosen very high maintenance girlfriends before me. The girl he went out with before me for 6 years I think basically treated him like her personal chef and maid. She was stunning, but a brat and would do things like spend money on lip fillers when she owed him $1000. She is from Australia and I think she always let it hang over his head that she could leave at any time (and sometimes did for months at a time).

 

It would make sense that it has to do with his mom and maybe his exes (unstable relationships with mothers often leads men to unstable romantic relationships as well) I’d talk to him about those relationships and find out what specific fears he might have about relationships as a result of them.

 

For example, my boyfriend thinks that it’s his job to look after me (to an unreasonable degree) and that if he doesn’t then I will leave him. So I make a point of always telling him that I appreciate him, that what he’s doing is a gift to me and not his job, that he is not responsible for ALL of my feelings and my life, that I love him and will not leave him, that I love him forever etc. etc.

 

If it’s deep seated, he may always do it to some degree even if you tell him he doesn’t need to and I think that each of us just have to learn what our person needs to feel secure. For some guys it’s sex, some guys don’t really get secure at all, and for my bf I need to specifically remind him all the time that I won’t leave him and that I appreciate everything he does for me – it’s a small price to pay for what an amazing boyfriend he is.

[Gaeta]

So this raised a flag. It seems that although your relationship seems okay, there isn't any real intimacy. Google the term "fantasy bond". He might be resistant to share who he really is for fear that the relationship will end.

 

He has been in my country around 16 months only. Who he really is is across the Atlantic Ocean. How much can he really share of himself under these conditions but I will still google it. He has 3 kids, 5 siblings, a mother, friends and I have not seen pictures of any of them.

[kismetkismet]

I should say though that obviously people should only do what they're comfortable with. if what the person you're in a relationships with requires to feel secure is too much for you then you're most likely incompatible, or you need to sort out a different solution.

 

One issue i should say with my bf is that sometimes when we're out with my friends, if we get in any kind of minor friction he gets extremely sensitive and wants to go home so we can be alone and I can reassure him (several times) that i love him. That's something that we need to work on/isn't ok with me because it affects my other relationships.

[katiegrl]

He has been in my country around 16 months only. Who he really is is across the Atlantic Ocean. How much can he really share of himself under these conditions but I will still google it. He has 3 kids, 5 siblings, a mother, friends and I have not seen pictures of any of them.

 

Why google it? Talk to him about it. Take an interest in his life, ask him about his childhood, what it was like growing up, his past RLs. Tell him you would like to see where he lives! How long have you been dating him, 7 or 8 months?

 

You are not prying, you are his gf, he is your bf, you are discussing living together, and perhaps sharing your lives.... talking about these things is what a couple does in a loving, intimate committed relationship.

 

Because they love each other, because they care. Because the more they know about each other, the better understanding they have, and the closer they become.

 

I know you love and care about him and vice versa, but I guess I am a little confused as to why you are reluctant to talk with him about this stuff....

 

JMO, if you don't agree, that is certainly your prerogative, but then stuff like this pops up which leaves you baffled wondering why.

Edited June 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Why google it? Talk to him about it. Take an interest in his life, ask him about his childhood, what it was like growing up, his past RLs. Tell him you would like to see where he lives! How long have you been dating him, 7 or 8 months?

 

You are not prying, you are his gf, he is your bf, you are discussing living together, and perhaps sharing your lives.... talking about these things is what a couple does in a loving, intimate committed relationship.

 

Because they love each other, because they care. Because the more they know about each other, the better understanding they have, and the closer they become.

 

I know you love and care about him and vice versa, but I guess I am a little confused as to why you are reluctant to talk with him about this stuff....

 

JMO, if you don't agree, that is certainly your prerogative, but then stuff like this pops up which leaves you baffled wondering why.

 

lol I was not saying I will google him.

 

I was saying I will google 'fantasy bond' :-)

 

I am not reluctant. I think it's just life that rolls so fast then you find yourself 7 months later and you realize you don't know many things about this person.

 

Yes of course I asked him about his childhood, family, siblings, how he met his exs, the birth of his kids etc. He tells me anecdotes or stories but he does not get into confidence.

 

ETA: I will get into the subject with him tonight.

[katiegrl]

lol I was not saying I will google him.

 

I was saying I will google 'fantasy bond' :-)

 

 

LOL is right.... too funny!

 

Well now you understand why I was a bit confused!

[joseb]

I don't have much to add on the apologising, sorry

 

Bu I would say that it seems a bit odd that in seven months you have never seen his place at all. I understand the preference for your place, but not even once?

[Emilia]

I remember you said he was computer 'illiterate' or at least didn't know how to use social media I think. The fact that you have never seen anything of his background is a concern because people that leave their home tend to take plenty of memories with them. At this day and age also, I think social media would be the first choice to use to keep in touch with loved ones far away.

[Emilia]

Yes! My boyfriend often does this. He’ll apologize for getting up and tidying the apartment while we’re watching TV. Or he will apologize for taking too long with making me dinner – he’ll thank me for being so patient after making me a beautifully plated meal. He does an insane amount for me and still apologizes. He’ll apologize and become deeply concerned any time literally anything goes wrong and thinks that it’s his responsibility to fix my life.

 

I have more or less chalked this up to two things: First his mom left his dad (who is unendingly sweet) when he was 14. She had multiple unsteady boyfriends around while he was young and put his dad in a very difficult financial situation. Then when he was 16 his mom took his two little sisters who he adores to live a 15 hr drive away with her new bf (now husband).

 

Second, he’s always chosen very high maintenance girlfriends before me. The girl he went out with before me for 6 years I think basically treated him like her personal chef and maid. She was stunning, but a brat and would do things like spend money on lip fillers when she owed him $1000. She is from Australia and I think she always let it hang over his head that she could leave at any time (and sometimes did for months at a time).

 

It would make sense that it has to do with his mom and maybe his exes (unstable relationships with mothers often leads men to unstable romantic relationships as well) I’d talk to him about those relationships and find out what specific fears he might have about relationships as a result of them.

 

For example, my boyfriend thinks that it’s his job to look after me (to an unreasonable degree) and that if he doesn’t then I will leave him. So I make a point of always telling him that I appreciate him, that what he’s doing is a gift to me and not his job, that he is not responsible for ALL of my feelings and my life, that I love him and will not leave him, that I love him forever etc. etc.

 

If it’s deep seated, he may always do it to some degree even if you tell him he doesn’t need to and I think that each of us just have to learn what our person needs to feel secure. For some guys it’s sex, some guys don’t really get secure at all, and for my bf I need to specifically remind him all the time that I won’t leave him and that I appreciate everything he does for me – it’s a small price to pay for what an amazing boyfriend he is.

Your boyfriend is a codependent with very serious abandonment issues. He should be in therapy, his self esteem must be at rock bottom.

[katiegrl]

lol I was not saying I will google him.

 

I was saying I will google 'fantasy bond' :-)

 

I am not reluctant. I think it's just life that rolls so fast then you find yourself 7 months later and you realize you don't know many things about this person.

 

Yes of course I asked him about his childhood, family, siblings, how he met his exs, the birth of his kids etc. He tells me anecdotes or stories but he does not get into confidence.

 

--

 

**ETA: I will get into the subject with him tonight.

 

Hey G ...... just wondering, did you get to talk to him last night?

[Gaeta]

Hey G ...... just wondering, did you get to talk to him last night?

 

No, he worked late and was exhausted from his week, so was I. He is working today Saturdays he finishes early usually. As soon as I see an opportunity I am taking it.