How do you feel about being dominated?

[Alexandrajones]

I am a 32 y/o woman dating a 36 year old man.

 

I'm going through a challenging period of unemployement, and I had to move in with my parents. Jobs have been stressful and I haven't saved any money even though my last job paid a lot. I know I need some help or guidance with budgeting, financial planning and so on, because I don't want to work for people till I retire, I would like to work for myself.

 

I reached out to my ex on social media to visit the city he was in so I could take a break and loosen up because I can get overly stressed. I went and he showed me around the city and it was fun, but I told him I wasn't really looking to date anyone because my dating history was so bad that I just gave up and decided to just find ways to make myself happy.

 

When I was with him he really just decided that we should date again and he was super serious and he offered to help me with getting my life together. He came up with solutions to my problems and I knew he was right but I wasn't trying to date him again.

 

Now it's been some months and we are still seeing each other, but he so much more bossy and dominating than he was the first time we dated. He is always horny, he wants oral sex all the time, he is demanding that I cook whatever he wants, he will wake me up from sleep and demand oral, he said he won't tolerate any of my attitude, he won't tolerate "back talk" and he basically is making all of the decisions.

 

So up until him I've been doing whatever I want, not answering to anyone and making all my own decisions. Now I suddenly have to turn around and bend my will to his and it is hard. i have to scrap with myself every time I'm with him to not walk away or get aggressive

 

I would like to hear some constructive opinions. No negativity please, we're all here to learn.

[BaileyB]

Maybe I'm wrong, because I don't actually know you or this man... But his behavior sounds controlling and abusive to me. There is no way that I would chose to be in a relationship with someone like this.

[ExpatInItaly]

There is no way in heck I would stay with a man like this.

[jen1447]

Yeah, I thought this was a reference to sex play at first but you mean literally, as in domineering. That's no good.

 

Do you enjoy living that way?

[Fuerza]

Why did you contact your ex in the first place? Was he like this when you were still together?

 

Also, this is not a "dominant" man, he's just being a controlling abusive boyfriend. You said he's the one that decided you were going to be together again, what about you? What say did you have in that decision? Did you want that?

 

Please don't let him run over you, say no when you don't feel like doing certain things!

[Alexandrajones]

Maybe I'm wrong, because I don't actually know you or this man... But his behavior sounds controlling and abusive to me. There is no way that I would chose to be in a relationship with someone like this.

 

Me neither. I would never choose this type of relationship. I'm in a vulnerable place. He has great ideas to help me, but he comes with all this stuff. When I'm at work, in the past, I have always had to deal with male bosses trying to dominate and control me and I hated it so much. Now it's this guy doing it and he knows how much I have had to deal with this as a woman at work. Now he is just doing the same thing, he had an advantage over me and is using it.

[Alexandrajones]

Yeah, I thought this was a reference to sex play at first but you mean literally, as in domineering. That's no good.

 

Do you enjoy living that way?

 

No I really don't. I feel like he stepped out of the 50s. He wasn't even as bad as this before. He is really doing the most right now. I have no idea why he is acting like this. We dated in my early 20s and he wasn't as domineering as this.

[Satu]

I don't like to dominate or be dominated.

 

If it isn't equal, I don't play.

[Alexandrajones]

Yeah, I thought this was a reference to sex play at first but you mean literally, as in domineering. That's no good.

 

Do you enjoy living that way?

 

Why did you contact your ex in the first place? Was he like this when you were still together?

 

Also, this is not a "dominant" man, he's just being a controlling abusive boyfriend. You said he's the one that decided you were going to be together again, what about you? What say did you have in that decision? Did you want that?

 

Please don't let him run over you, say no when you don't feel like doing certain things!

 

I was in a very dark place when I contacted him. I needed to get out of my city and I chose to visit the city he was in, and he was the only person I knew. I thought it would be okay because when we dated in the past he wasnt acting like this. He was cool but just not my cup of tea. He was dominating back then but not to the degree he is now.

 

I told him I really just wanted to be single and focus on myself right now. He said okay but once I saw him it went out of the window and now he is really trying to take over my life. Men I dated before him were more relaxed. But at the same time, they didn't have all the solutions to my major problems that he has.

[katiegrl]

Why do you stay with him? He sounds horrible....

 

Leave. Block, delete, next.

[Alexandrajones]

Why do you stay with him? He sounds horrible....

 

Leave. Block, delete, next.

 

Honestly I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like or feels like.

 

Either the guy is too weak or too dominant.

 

I don't have a healthy model due to my parents both being "strange" and by strange I mean "disturbed"

[Jabron1]

Also, this is not a "dominant" man, he's just being a controlling abusive boyfriend.

 

This.

 

Waking you up for head is just him being a prick and abusing his power.

 

Get rid.

[katiegrl]

Honestly I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like or feels like.

 

Either the guy is too weak or too dominant.

 

I don't have a healthy model due to my parents both being "strange" and by strange I mean "disturbed"

 

Let me ask you a question. Are you happy? Simple question.

 

If the answer is no, then leave. If the answer is yes, then stay.

 

Remember though, you are not obligated to stay, you do have a choice you know.

 

Choose wisely and take care of YOU! He sure isn't!

[Alexandrajones]

This.

 

Waking you up for head is just him being a prick and abusing his power.

 

Get rid.

 

Wow that really sucks. I can't believe he would do this.

 

I show him how miserable I am with him waking me up at 4 or 5 am for head and he yells at me that I'm a spoiled brat and that I need to be dominated and that he is doing so much for me by coming up with ideas for me to make more money and get ahead in life. im not trying to be the next Ike and Tina or C. Brown and Rihanna. He wants head for as long as he wants it. This is like a bad movie for me. I needed to hear some outside views. Thanks

[jen1447]

Do you need a breakup surrogate? I'd love to knock this guy out.

[pteromom]

Honestly I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like or feels like.

 

- You feel accepted and understood and respected.

 

- You feel you are heard.

 

- Your partner shows a desire to know who you really are, and accepts your flaws and differences.

 

- You feel at peace and content.

 

- You respect who your partner is, and accept his flaws and differences.

 

- You both want the best for each other, and want the other to be happy.

 

- You feel supported and lifted up.

 

- Disagreements are worked through and resolved, or at least there are workarounds or compromises so that things you disagree about don't affect your life together.

 

- You feel like it is safe to be vulnerable with your partner.

 

- You feel that your partner is being open and honest with you.

 

- You inspire each other to be better.

[Jabron1]

I show him how miserable I am with him waking me up at 4 or 5 am for head and he yells at me that I'm a spoiled brat and that I need to be dominated

 

I'd tell you if you were a spoiled brat, and the others here can vouch for this.

 

I am seriously not one for yelling 'abuse' at everything. This is abusive.

 

he is doing so much for me by coming up with ideas for me to make more money and get ahead in life.

 

That's how he has power over you.

 

I don't think this guy is dominant at all. I think he is an insecure prat, and you are suffering for his insecurities.

 

Get rid of him.

[pteromom]

Wow that really sucks. I can't believe he would do this.

 

I show him how miserable I am with him waking me up at 4 or 5 am for head and he yells at me that I'm a spoiled brat and that I need to be dominated and that he is doing so much for me by coming up with ideas for me to make more money and get ahead in life. im not trying to be the next Ike and Tina or C. Brown and Rihanna. He wants head for as long as he wants it. This is like a bad movie for me. I needed to hear some outside views. Thanks

 

Next time he wakes you up, tell him NO. Go to another room to sleep. Tell him that you aren't accepting this anymore and that if he can't learn to be kind to you, he won't be getting ANY more head - ever.

 

Or better yet, get out.

[katiegrl]

Wow that really sucks. I can't believe he would do this.

 

I show him how miserable I am with him waking me up at 4 or 5 am for head and he yells at me that I'm a spoiled brat and that I need to be dominated and that he is doing so much for me by coming up with ideas for me to make more money and get ahead in life. im not trying to be the next Ike and Tina or C. Brown and Rihanna. He wants head for as long as he wants it. This is like a bad movie for me. I needed to hear some outside views. Thanks

 

I feel kinda sick to my stomach now after reading this.

 

Hate to label, but he's a monster... could be a sadist.

 

My goodness girl, what the h*ll is keeping you there?!

[morrowrd]

Ok for a minute I thought this was a bdsm post, but it's not. This "dominating" controlling behavior is going to cause you to lose yourself. Do you want that? Sure, he's providing "help" but it's not free. You are giving up everything, freedom included. I'm betting after awhile and he is able to push the boundaries further, there will be consequences for your "defiance." Hardly a word that should be used on an adult.

 

I'm betting with a little effort, you can fix your own problems.

[CarrieT]

Wow that really sucks. I can't believe he would do this.

 

I show him how miserable I am with him waking me up at 4 or 5 am for head and he yells at me that I'm a spoiled brat and that I need to be dominated and that he is doing so much for me by coming up with ideas for me to make more money and get ahead in life. im not trying to be the next Ike and Tina or C. Brown and Rihanna. He wants head for as long as he wants it. This is like a bad movie for me. I needed to hear some outside views. Thanks

 

Alexandra, I willingly live as a slave-girl to a Master in a BDSM marriage and my guy isn't this nasty or abusive.

 

What he is doing is unacceptable. There *are* women who like this lifestyle, but they actively seek it out and are not subjugated this way without first discussing "hard limits" and the parameters of their submission.

 

You have not done this. Time to put a stop to it. Do you REALLY need and want this guy's attention? I think you could do better....

[katiegrl]

Next time he wakes you up, tell him NO. Go to another room to sleep. Tell him that you aren't accepting this anymore and that if he can't learn to be kind to you, he won't be getting ANY more head - ever.

 

Or better yet, get out.

 

No it's too late for that. She needs to just LEAVE, immediately.

 

Go to a shelter if you have no where else to go. Leave your things.

 

HE'S A MONSTER. And if she says no to him, her physical safety will be jeopardized.

 

Jabron is right. This is not being dominant. This is being controlling, mean, horrible and abusive.

Edited June 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[TunaCat]

Now he is just doing the same thing, he had an advantage over me and is using it.

 

He only has an advantage over you if you ALLOW him to have that advantage. Stand up for yourself and stop being a doormat.

 

For what it's worth, I would never, ever, EVER be in a relationship like this.

[katiegrl]

Alexandra, how did this happen?

 

You were so independent.... a free spirit.... how did you ever allow yourself to get into a situation like this?

 

Genuinely curious....

 

Where do you live? I live alone now, come stay with me!

[BaileyB]

Honestly I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like or feels like.

 

Well then this is what you need to work on. You need to learn to develop self identity, self confidence, and healthy boundaries. This happens in therapy, not an abusive relationship.

 

If you need help to get away from him, talk to a friend or family member you trust. Or seek a women's shelter. But you don't need to stay in an abusive relationship because your life is a struggle... There are people who can help and ways to get out.