Nc # 4

[Shadowburn]

This is such a dangerous situation, pooldog.

He broke your heart already, more than once. He seems to be confused and right now is acting out of panic and desperation One week won't be enough for him to sort his life out, and as soon as you are together with him, motivation will be gone.

 

I think you should keep distance, let his wrap up things at home as painless as possible and then come to you. It is not fair to you to be dragged in all his drama.

If you've been reading these boards, you know it is not unusual for them to go back and forth, unable to choose.

My own xmj (married jerk) did exactly the same thing, which finally ended it for me for good.

You sound like very intelligent, nice and well grounded woman. Please protect yourself. Best wishes xo

Edited June 28, 2016 by Shadowburn

[pooldog]

This is such a dangerous situation, pooldog.

He broke your heart already, more than once. He seems to be confused and right now is acting out of panic and desperation One week won't be enough for him to sort his life out, and as soon as you are together with him, motivation will be gone.

 

I think you should keep distance, let his wrap up things at home as painless as possible and then come to you. It is not fair to you to be dragged in all his drama.

If you've been reading these boards, you know it is not unusual for them to go back and forth, unable to choose.

My own xmj (married jerk) did exactly the same thing, which finally ended it for me for good.

You sound like very intelligent, nice and well grounded woman. Please protect yourself. Best wishes xo

 

I will Shadowburn and thank you for grounding me. I told him I will wait for him if he files for divorce now but not if he moves back in to try to appease everyone - then I will just move on and go no contact. I figure I can give him a week to know what he wants now. He did move out before dday hit. His letter was very conciliatory that he is sorry he really wanted us and he really tried he even moved out and he is in a hotel and he will always love me. He says don't wait I want you to be happy and I love you so much I will tell you when I am finally single. We had a big misunderstanding and I thought he moved back in but he did not. I explained that my risk is that I have waited and there is always another reason not to just file - like a kid who does not want to go to bed. And he either does or he does not. I can give another week.

 

I really thought that he had moved back in and had hysterical bonding and that they would be reconciling. I read and read and read the boards here about people who reconcile so I pictured that in my head to be done. But that is not what they did. He says if he could do it over he would divorce and then just concentrate on us.

[BuddyX]

Oh why? Why?

Another week is another breadcrumb. You were doing so well. SMH.

[Poppy47]

I will Shadowburn and thank you for grounding me. I told him I will wait for him if he files for divorce now but not if he moves back in to try to appease everyone - then I will just move on and go no contact. I figure I can give him a week to know what he wants now. He did move out before dday hit. His letter was very conciliatory that he is sorry he really wanted us and he really tried he even moved out and he is in a hotel and he will always love me. He says don't wait I want you to be happy and I love you so much I will tell you when I am finally single. We had a big misunderstanding and I thought he moved back in but he did not. I explained that my risk is that I have waited and there is always another reason not to just file - like a kid who does not want to go to bed. And he either does or he does not. I can give another week.

 

I really thought that he had moved back in and had hysterical bonding and that they would be reconciling. I read and read and read the boards here about people who reconcile so I pictured that in my head to be done. But that is not what they did. He says if he could do it over he would divorce and then just concentrate on us.

 

He is likely to be talking through his hat right now. The moment there seems to be an opening to go back to the marriage, he will probably go.

DO NOT make any hasty decisions.

 

Remember that this is a highly emotional time for every one concerned and no time to make long term decisions.

 

Take yourself out of the equation and wait. Tell him when the divorce is final you will see him again..... IF you are still available.

 

Poppy.

[pooldog]

Thank you Poppy!

 

We discussed our options. One is for me to keep dating and let him work it out and if he is free and I am free we can see. But the other is that we love each other and want to be together so we have to make a plan we both like. If he moves back in I am not going to wait and be his option or friend we go no contact but he is allowed to contact if he is divorced. I told him if he files for divorce I wait and if he wants to wait and work it out I keep dating. I had a date last night that I canceled. He says he is devastated at the thought of me dating and I said what if your wife dated and found her soulmate and he says he would love that.

 

I think he is more upset with the mess that his friends are furious and his wife got so mad when he had already moved out and wanted to mediate.

 

So he has a week to make a plan. If he had a family I wouldn't do this. He says the day he met me changed his life he has never met anyone he loves this way and he fell in love and loves me deeply.

 

My feeling this morning is that I am in on a solid plan but I will keep dating without one. I do have a strong eject finger Poppy and I know I can date and find someone. But it's hard in middle age and I think waiting for a man with a plan is a better option than dating given the pond we have with all the problems. He has everything I want. But he knows I will walk and that I have options. My prior dating experience has helped me.

 

So he has a week to make a plan and figure out what he wants. And I am good with either set of marching orders. One good thing is that I am committed to my goal and good at saying what I want without getting hysterical.

[pooldog]

Ok I just dumped him

 

I want to date nice available men who want to find the one

[pooldog]

For tonight it was my turn to drive the roller coaster!

 

But seriously I have given him enough time and he is not getting anything done and complaining about his drama and I feel confused and a burden

 

And my online dating fishing rods have too many good prospects to ignore. Seriously

 

I told him not to contact me unless he is filed for divorce or next year.

 

I am not broken and crying girls. I just love me and want to drive my own rolly Polly roller coaster

[pooldog]

I wanted to post a recap in case this helps.

 

May we met at a club event and started talking and there was interest. He did not wear a ring so I had no idea he was married.

 

He started emailing me and then asked if he could text and I said yes. Then we started texting. He took me out on dates after our club meetings.

 

I started to like him and he kissed me then I asked are you married and I don't know why I asked but he said yes and I was so shocked!

 

I said no I can't do this and he said will you just be friends and I said yes. We still saw each other. Then I figured why not try because he is not happy in his marriage and he is really into me and he does not have kids. It could be good and easy.

 

We dated a lot while his wife traveled. I could tell that she was indifferent and mean to him by their conversations. She once called him 30 times to tell him about a business meeting.

 

At the holiday times I said no more. I am not going to sit here alone while you go off with someone else and then have to risk you staying. I am done. He got so upset and said I am the love of his life and he did not want to go on the holiday but I said you can't do that to someone on the holiday just go. He was texting like crazy and sending roses and I love yous.

 

Then after the holidays nothing happened at first. He said he was trying to figure it out. Then he told her he did not want to be with her. They got in a huge fight and he said he can't do it. Then he realized he did not want her when they were in counseling so he left her and came back.

 

He got busy with work but the stress affected him. His friends all questioned this. But he said he was sure. He wanted us. He stayed moved out by living with friends and house sitting. But his wife was gone to another country so he moved back to their house. We had a weekend together and then a Dday because the alarm company was calling and he was not there.

 

So he called it off. At this time I saw a lot of character flaws but of course I still missed him. We sent a few emails about things we had and the ways we felt but went NC. Then he mailed me a letter. We started talking again. In the time after he dumped me I turned on my online dating profiles because I want to find the one for me. I met some nice people and enjoyed the conversations. I discovered it felt good to not have all the waffling and drama and not to play the pick me game.

 

Last night he sends a text saying he is going for a run then he never texts anymore and that pissed me off. I hate being in limbo. I don't like how I sit alone and have no real concrete plan. So I send a long and lovely letter about how I am letting him go to work out his marriage because that is easier for him and it is better for me to not waste any more time I have too many good suitors and my goal is marriage.

 

so now I have a good date and I am ready. The things I don't like about xMM as a person is that he is very selfish and he cannot stand any drama and he is very naive. It is a bad combination. And I don't trust him. And I don't want to waste any more time. I did tell him he can come back to our club next year. And that if he was ever divorced and in a stable living situation where he could date me he can let me know. It softens the blow and you never know. But I doubt that will be in time or at all honestly. And I honestly do not feel like I hope he comes back. I feel like I am ready to put on my dancing shoes and find a wonderful single man who will want to invest the time in a good relationship that leads to marriage.

 

At first I said just decide. And then I told myself why would you pass all of these great men who want to date you and to be honest one is very good much better and there is no way I am passing up that opportunity because I am very sick of one year of weekends alone mostly. So I emailed, here is my decision last night.

 

So if this story helps someone that is great. All of the stories here have helped me tremendously over the past year. I have learned a lot about marriage and relationships. I would not do this again and I now understand what a slippery slope any friendship is with a married man or someone who just wants to text. I really do think I was the love of his life. But love is not enough and true love is about service to your partner and commitment. If I was married and my husband cheated and he wanted to reconcile I would understand by all of your stories that it is possible and I would let him try. I would never engage in any conversations with a married man in secret. I had no idea. And dating is so hard. But I am in a good place now and the prospects seem really good. The affair did give me a break from dating and it did give me a fresh outlook on life. It is not all bad. It is hard to end but then a feeling of clarity of thinking came and I put myself first. I believe if he wanted to divorce he would have gotten his own apartment and filed for divorce and he would not care what all of his friends think. But he doesn't want to do that. And that is okay. They can work it all out.

 

So that is the story of the day girls. Take control of your own roller coaster; I would highly recommend reading how to date by evan marc katz so you have an understanding about how to be the ceo - your own romantic goal what is important and if I did not have this mindset I would not have landed on my feet so well. Thank you for reading and for all of your support.

Edited June 29, 2016 by pooldog

[Lobe]

And I don't want to waste any more time. I did tell him he can come back to our club next year. And that if he was ever divorced and in a stable living situation where he could date me he can let me know. It softens the blow and you never know. But I doubt that will be in time or at all honestly. And I honestly do not feel like I hope he comes back. I feel like I am ready to put on my dancing shoes and find a wonderful single man who will want to invest the time in a good relationship that leads to marriage.

 

I hear so much conflict in this post. Who did it soften the blow for?

[BuddyX]

Cut bait. Don't even mention possibility for a future hook up. It's not fair to your next man. If you still have a spot for xMM you're not ready for a committed relationship.

[pooldog]

I can totally understand how you would feel this way. However, I bet you have not spent any time in the midlife dating track with online dating. Just wanting a good committed relationship is not anywhere near a start in getting one. You have to be willing to work hard with the online dating apps and special interest events and go on a lot of bad dates and to reject and be rejected. It is so hard to find a mutual matching partner who wants marriage and who is capable of a good marriage.

 

Many older men just want multiple partners and no strings. They are all dating multiple women so you can get a date and then not get another one again because they "ghost". Or they are married - you have no idea how many married men are on the dating apps and they will state they are in open relationships and looking for fun. Many are not compatible. I am not 420 friendly or a heavy drinker and I do not want to date anyone a lot older or who has little kids because I am done raising mine all by myself. And it is hard to find chemistry. Honestly if that was anywhere near easy I would not be in this boat. I got swept away with meeting him in person and he did not have a ring. I originally said no but changed because he was into me by the time I found out I liked him too much.

 

So, I prefer the approach that I want no contact until next year where you can go back to our hobby club and we will be friends or before that if you are divorced and have the ability for XYZ (a great relationship that leads to marriage) then I would reconsider because he did try; his whole life is a train wreck and he is hurting but I think he cares about his wife and friends more than me and more than he thought and the Dday really brought these things bubbling up to the surface. Honestly if someone wants to divorce it is not too hard to do it rather than stall and I have no more patience for stall and he is really focused on soothing everyone else's nerves from the shock of dday, he is not even asking me to stay, he says he understands and wants to see me happy.

 

I have to have an available man who wants a great relationship that leads to marriage not to be the option with no plan. I was greatly mistaken when I made my first decision and I have learned a valuable lesson. I am also not going to sit here and wait for everyone else to make my decision - that was my turning point - to stop asking what he wants and to figure out what I want hence my humorous statement that I am driving the roller coaster! It was meant to be funny. But I am DONE. I am not hoping anything except for me to find my man.

 

Dating is about having coffee and throwing my hat back in the ring. I am ready.

Edited June 29, 2016 by pooldog

[Shadowburn]

You are so smart, pooldog, and I think this man is nowhere near close to divorce, you are right, this shouldn't be that complicated with no kids, she is mean and you are love of his life.

 

Please be ready for him to resurface again once things at home are settled down again, and for increasingly desperate attempts to get you back.

 

But you sound like you're doing awesome, so keep moving on and don't look back, enough time wasted on this spineless idiot.

 

Best wishes and keep posting xo

[Lobe]

Dating is about having coffee and throwing my hat back in the ring. I am ready.

 

You go girl! ~snaps~

[pooldog]

Thank you very much girls.

 

I hope I can help the BS women here to understand how hard it is for single women in this dating world with the advent of online dating. Maybe that means you can overlook his socks on the floor and just love him or to feel lucky that he wants to reconcile because you won't replace him all that easy. All of your reconciliation stories have inspired me.

 

But I also hope I help other OW who know their MM is not moving forward. You can take control and get out there and find the one. It is work but you can do it.

 

I am grateful for all of my dating experience and for reading the work of the modern dating coaches for women to achieve their romantic goals. I am not wasting years of my time with any man. I have learned to state what I want clearly and kindly. I want a guy who is into me and who will make time for a great relationship that leads to marriage.

 

And today I am not sad. I have peace. There is no more anxiety.

[privategal]

Is there any way you can stay single for a bit and not have any man in the picture?

Leaving a chaotic relationship, then jumping into something else, all while letting xmm know you are still open if he divorces and also planning to see him down the road.

Id take a breather.

Another man would not have your whole heart.

[pooldog]

Privatelegal, thank you for thoughts and your "check" for me, I am not really waiting, though. I am really done waiting. I will recap the "waiting" so you can understand and not wade through so many posts. Of course if you do not agree or understand that is okay too and I still appreciate you taking the time to reply.

 

After I broke up with him 2 times, extending even through the holidays, because I did not want to be a mistress, he suddenly had an epiphany of maybe I need a divorce. He waited a bit for the right time to tell her.

 

He told her he did not want to be with her anymore. She freaked out and he wrote he had to stay because she is in so much pain and its too hard. I said okay you should work on your marriage and I wish you all the best. I was sad but I kept NC and kept myself busy.

 

They went to counseling and he realized he doesn't love her and he doesn't want to lose me and misses me and can't stand NC #3. He moved out and then emailed me to tell me that update so I say ok. Except he moved in with their best 'couple' friends. So that was sort of a not so good idea because now he had 3 people to answer to and more people in the drama. I might add that he has enough money for a place but he said that is too much to pay and I don't like my choices I can just stay with friends.

 

Then she begged for him back and she was emailing him. He told her maybe to make her feel better because he can't stand the stress. I said I don't want to interfere you should go back if that is how you feel so he said no to her. But he kept meeting her once a week to discuss it and then when she went away on a business trip he stayed back in his house to give their friends a break. I was really having doubts but he said I am working on "us" and waiting for her to want to mediate and we have good days and bad days.

 

THEN we had a dday the one time we saw each other in a month because the house alarm went off and he was not home at a very odd hour and he admitted he was having an affair all at 5am and I was left stranded but he texted me don't worry I want us. Now he has a lot of explaining to do to all of their friends and her family and her. Because she told everyone. And that is his focus now. He did email the next day to break up with me and said he can't deal with the pain he has caused and he can't do this anymore and I say okay I wish you the best.

 

But then he sent a letter with my stuff and we talked. But it was very clear to me that he is focused on the dday drama and trying to "fix" that so everyone is not mad and he is worried because his wife does not like being in the house alone now so they were discussing the spare bedroom for him.

 

I am done waiting and done with all of the drama to be honest. I am not a drama person I am a very organized take charge and get stuff done type of person. I feel sorry for him but his wife and friends are center and the dday changed everything for the worse when it was not enough to begin with. The dday showed his true attachments of what he values and they do not include the drama of a divorce. He is a sweet man who made a lot of dumb decisions but he has the character flaw of not wanting any drama. Now he has a lot of drama!

 

So I am not waiting anymore because I feel "done" and I am not upset now that I had my own decision. My letter to him last night really focused on how I think he has enough feelings for his wife and friends to stay and not divorce and that my decision is I am not waiting any more. I only said if you are divorced and have a stable place to live so you can date me, you can contact me and I would reconsider. I think a dday has a way of showing everyone what matters and he is more focused on his wife and marriage now. And I do not want to interfere with a marriage I want my own and to be honest I am tired of this whole charade.

 

But nor do I want to sit home any more weekends or holidays or nights. This "breakup phase" has been going on for many months and we have been together more than a year now. And I feel done. I honestly do not feel oh I hope he will call because he is too far into the abyss and he could not really do it based on what I just wrote. There is a saying, "if you really want to do it you will find a way and if not you will find an excuse." And I believe he kept finding excuses.

 

My preference would have been: tell her, move out into your own place, serve papers, mediate, keep some kind of a relationship with me like coffee sometimes through the process. But that is not what happened and I cannot control a grown man or be the divorce police. Hindsight is 20 20 and everyone does the best they can. Sometimes that is not enough. This is not enough. And I am not going to beg someone to be with me. I want the man who wants to be with me and who can!

 

When I write all of this I think what was I thinking! But thank you for reading all of this saga.

[Shadowburn]

I think him not moving into his own place, but with friends, was very telling.

He knew it's not a permanent arrangement.

 

Good for you for cutting your losses, a year is enought to spend on someone who just keeps breaking your heart.

The more I read on these boards, the more I think something is seriously wrong with cheating mm who found loves of their lives but then unable to leave.

[pooldog]

I actually had a really good out-loud laugh to myself after I read the whole thing again. I have lived in paragraphs of the story as it slowly unfolded with no one to ever tell, but it is really funny when I read it back to myself as a whole because it is ridiculous because of his education and lot in life he is actually very brilliant. That must be a bad sense of humor. I think of the song by Hoozier

My lover's got humour

She's the giggle at a funeral

 

But my dating experience and dating guru taught me - it is never real until it is real so I think I did not lose myself and I was aware of how it should unfold and what deserves exclusivity and what does not.

 

The funny thing is that my date coming up on Saturday was the catalyst for me to realize I am not sitting through any MORE of this mess never mind the dday and the fact that he had cast me out. He is not chasing me anymore I am waiting for him - that is never my style.

 

The date coming up is so good on paper I could not sit here waiting for the saga to continue and watch my life tick away. I started communicating with this man in February during NC#3 on a dating app. And he was dating so he said I am not going to stay on this site I have met someone great and we are going exclusive but it is nice to see you here, you sound great. Then he came back and said I am not dating but I am taking a break - I never saw that part because I was signed off. But when I went back on during NC4 he said oh wow I am so glad to see you, would you like a drink? The drink was 50 minutes of iced tea because he was so stressed at work. But he wanted date number two so I said yes. We had to wait because he was on another continent for 2 weeks until now.

 

My xMM is a big fantasizer. I think that an affair is more fun than the reality of everything but his dear mistress got too demanding and required way too much work and stess - ROFL! He is the type of person who would take a spider out of the bathroom and carry it outside. He is not cut out for "divorce" and after all a marriage is a social arrangement with many deep roots. It has couple friends, regular social activities, houses, finances, and much more so it is too difficult to undo all of that and never mind for a magoo type that cannot even secure a sound living arrangement and was probably happy before I tooled along and "rocked his world" as he likes to say.

 

It is not all bad for me though. I had a big break from the work of dating and xMM was younger so I feel more competitive and confident now.

[privategal]

You deserve love and happiness it just seems your not over MM yet.

So your relationships will fail one by one because you never stayed single..fully grieved, fully healed, your not even in NC.

You are so right, he isnt going anywhere.

But you know every detail and your still in it, weighing and dissecting it etc.

I understand why you'd want to be dating but even a few months of learning you again, getting healthy and whole and letting firm nc take place so you can truly be ready and an equal part of a fresh relationship.

Even the guy who wants date #2 told you he met someone so he didnt choose you 1st and then came back to you when she didnt work out but...the 1st date wasnt all that great but you signed on for another. Why? Because you are filling a void.

In that state of reounding to fix a broken heart you are suseptible to choosing poorly and accepting less just to find immediate companionship.

I think it might be better to live with the void a bit, to be alone with your thoughts..let the A fog lift.

Go into dating once you reach acceptance and indifference.

Youve just gone through a dday and realized the dream you had of him being with you is gone.

This cant be fixed by dating.

It can only be fixed by healing.

Hugs. I wish you well.

Edited June 30, 2016 by privategal

[pooldog]

Privatelegal the man on the dating app never met me so he did not choose her over me he simply met her first and online dating is hard you have to give it time because people are nervous on their first dates and he was afraid I would not like him because he is short!

 

But I appreciate your time. I will keep you posted !

[pooldog]

In case anyone is dating again this is a great author

 

Success Stories: Private Coaching

[privategal]

Privatelegal the man on the dating app never met me so he did not choose her over me he simply met her first and online dating is hard you have to give it time because people are nervous on their first dates and he was afraid I would not like him because he is short!

 

But I appreciate your time. I will keep you posted !

 

Yes, I knew he didnt reject you, just rather pointing out its another wavering guy, and an example of another guy waffling between women and also so nervous with you?

Hmm...if you HAVE to date, Id be looking for someone who has confidence, will be sure of himself and ready to confidently date you. A strong man.

But I still maintain its too early to date.

Theres other things in the world besides men.

Find those passions of yours, find you.

Your balance is off.

You need some time to rebuild and heal.

If the shoe is on the other foot you dont want a man to date you who is still not fully over an ex.

Trust me singlehood wont kill you.

Strict NC will heal you.

Xmm can think your off in the sunset with another, he needs to know nothing.

 

Bring some new energy in that has nothibg to do with dating. Make yourself someone a man would be proud to date who has her own interests, hobbies, is whole, healthy and independent.

Look for new jobs, explore a move maybe, freshen up and change your liiving space, find a lake or ocean and go there alone.

Let the lonely hit you full on and settle into it. Allow the anger and hurt to flow to the surface. Your rushing healing...it feels to me like a surface strong stance.

Make sure you've grieved.

Best wishes and hugs.