And so the cycle continues

[Satu]

This 'cycle' continues because of the OP's continuing investment of energy into it.

 

 

As soon as she decides its done, its done.

 

 

 

Here's a nice quote from RD Laing:

 

 

"I am doing it

 

the it I am doing is

 

the I that is doing it

 

the I that is doing it is

 

the it I am doing

 

it is doing the I that am doing it

 

I am being done by the it I am doing

 

it is doing it

 

 

 

One is afraid of

 

the self that is afraid of

 

the self that is afraid of

 

the self that is afraid

 

One may perhaps speak of reflections"

 

- RD Laing, Knots.

Edited June 16, 2016 by Satu

[elaine567]

You are risking so much and playing with people's lives for so little.

 

I agree, so little.

I sort of get when the OW is treated like the love of his life, cosy love sessions, outrageous lust, wonderful connection, wined and dined, expensive presents and taken on trips.

BUT this angst ridden rubbish interspersed with sneaky kisses and the odd feel up and massive amounts of guilt, coldness and distance I just do not get at all.

 

I thought having an affair was supposed to be fun???

[immokk]

I agree, so little.

I sort of get when the OW is treated like the love of his life, cosy love sessions, outrageous lust, wonderful connection, wined and dined, expensive presents and taken on trips.

BUT this angst ridden rubbish interspersed with sneaky kisses and the odd feel up and massive amounts of guilt, coldness and distance I just do not get at all.

 

I thought having an affair was supposed to be fun???

 

Yeah, although reading through these boards and in my experience they stop being fun and just start hurting everyone, but I agree.

 

The xMM in my case was never distant, never cold... at least it was fun until I just realised all the future faking was just that... and I pulled myself out.

[DKT3]

Yeah, although reading through these boards and in my experience they stop being fun and just start hurting everyone, but I agree.

 

The xMM in my case was never distant, never cold... at least it was fun until I just realised all the future faking was just that... and I pulled myself out.

 

Yours is different in the sense that you were being promised a future a destination, a end game if you will. Here he has condition her from the start to expect less, he out her in a box only pulling her out when he deems it's time. Likewise she has done very similar to her family .

[immokk]

Yours is different in the sense that you were being promised a future a destination, a end game if you will. Here he has condition her from the start to expect less, he out her in a box only pulling her out when he deems it's time. Likewise she has done very similar to her family .

 

I enjoy your posts. I know we disagreed on one or two things but your posts come from a place of careful thought, at least, from what you have read and the things you have experienced.

 

Whether people always agree, or not, there is value in that.

[Messy Lady]

Ridicule me all you want if that makes you feel better. Twist my words and make out you know the relationship between me and this man better than I do if you want. Go ahead if that is what you need to do.

 

However he has never been cold with me even if we are "over". Even now when that looks more certain, he is caring, he makes time for me, he is supportive. He shows me respect and was genuinely concerned earlier today that he might be causing me some worries about my position at work due to something that is happening within another department. He is also great fun to be with, is coaching me in my work and helping me develop my career.

 

I will also correct you all on this idea that I am making no effort with my marriage. I am the one suggesting we make more time for each other, go out on dates or make more effort to improve our sex life. I am the one who will flirt with him and be playful. However he, as he has been for way before all this started, agrees with these kind of things but never actually makes the effort. If we go out, it's because I suggested it. If we have sex, it's because I initiate. And yes, I have initiated since all this started yet my husband has not been interested. I want to spend my life with my husband but I also want to feel like a woman who is wanted and that is acted on.

[immokk]

Ridicule me all you want if that makes you feel better. Twist my words and make out you know the relationship between me and this man better than I do if you want. Go ahead if that is what you need to do.

 

However he has never been cold with me even if we are "over". Even now when that looks more certain, he is caring, he makes time for me, he is supportive. He shows me respect and was genuinely concerned earlier today that he might be causing me some worries about my position at work due to something that is happening within another department. He is also great fun to be with, is coaching me in my work and helping me develop my career.

 

I will also correct you all on this idea that I am making no effort with my marriage. I am the one suggesting we make more time for each other, go out on dates or make more effort to improve our sex life. I am the one who will flirt with him and be playful. However he, as he has been for way before all this started, agrees with these kind of things but never actually makes the effort. If we go out, it's because I suggested it. If we have sex, it's because I initiate. And yes, I have initiated since all this started yet my husband has not been interested. I want to spend my life with my husband but I also want to feel like a woman who is wanted and that is acted on.

 

I'm sorry you feel ridiculed, I don't think this is what people mean.

 

I think they are worried that you are perpetuating the problem yourself. I understand how hard it is although my situation is different, it is still pain,

 

I have sensed no ridicule and I apologise if you feel any has come from me.

 

Perhaps try to take from this that people have read your full thread and are commenting on what they think you mean from what you post. I'm sure no serious offence is meant.

[DKT3]

In no way am I saying your husband is perfect, he is human so he is flawed. The question is does he deserve this? At the very least you owe him the truth about the marriage.

 

Secondly, from the way you tell your story you don't seem pained by the affair, the betrayal of your husband, or how it pulls you away from your family emotionally, but your pain is caused by the mm pulling you in then pushing you away. He knows you want him so he pulls you in, then for whatever reason then pushes you away. It's cruel, you may not see it now but you will. You don't have to call a woman a B, or slap her around to be abusive. Using someones weakness against their best interest is abuse.

 

Lastly, what your feeling from us here is common, we have taken a mirror and forced you to look at it. You don't like what you see so you project t that back on us. In time no matter the outcome in your situation you will realize we are coming from a good place. Your simply not ready to face the damage YOU are doing to yourself and you family.

 

I will step aside now from your thread, I wish you the best

[heartwhole]

Ridicule me all you want if that makes you feel better. Twist my words and make out you know the relationship between me and this man better than I do if you want. Go ahead if that is what you need to do.

 

However he has never been cold with me even if we are "over". Even now when that looks more certain, he is caring, he makes time for me, he is supportive. He shows me respect and was genuinely concerned earlier today that he might be causing me some worries about my position at work due to something that is happening within another department. He is also great fun to be with, is coaching me in my work and helping me develop my career.

 

I will also correct you all on this idea that I am making no effort with my marriage. I am the one suggesting we make more time for each other, go out on dates or make more effort to improve our sex life. I am the one who will flirt with him and be playful. However he, as he has been for way before all this started, agrees with these kind of things but never actually makes the effort. If we go out, it's because I suggested it. If we have sex, it's because I initiate. And yes, I have initiated since all this started yet my husband has not been interested. I want to spend my life with my husband but I also want to feel like a woman who is wanted and that is acted on.

 

You are spending a lot of energy defending the MM. Does it strike you odd that when we take the time read your story and point out what jumps out to us, instead of saying, hmmm, yes, maybe the only people in my life that I'm sharing my secret affair with are onto something, you think, "If only they knew how lovely and wonderful my MM is and how my secret affair doesn't affect my marriage one bit!" I have no desire to ridicule you, but you have created a ridiculous situation and you seem to need help seeing that. If all you want is for us to say, "Oh boy, yes, your MM sure does seem to want you, what an ego boost, brava!" then I will bow out from your discussion. If you want to take charge of your life and stop the cycle, then by all means, keep posting.

[elaine567]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/584328-so-cycle-continues#post6938927 -

"Yes, the cycle of hot/cold continued."

 

The whole affair theme seems to be about him blowing hot and cold, and you feeling "hurt and used" and he is "playing you like a fiddle" (your words), so I am not sure where this wonderful, warm, supportive, caring man has suddenly appeared from.

 

YOU seem to on the one hand want sympathy and comfort for how bad he treats you, but on the other, you do not want a "bad" word said about him.

Our "bad" impression of him is based on what you have told us about him, but when we suggest that this affair is less than satisfactory, and how he treats you is not particularly great, you then go on the defensive and tell us how wonderful he is.

I am confused.

[Jersey born raised]

Messy,

 

What is going on in your husbands life? It sounds as if he has giving up on life or is it he just does not care about his marriage and prefers to be elsewhere?

 

I understand there are issues that cause the marriage to weaken and spouses detach. What are they in your's?

 

I also think many posters are reacting to the dominance factor taking place. They see you being trapped in the push pull dynamic. I had a long conversation with a spouse who both the spouses had submissive characteristics. There case is extreme but what I see in you post is the healing vs dropping aspect. Two statements stood out to me.

 

First why she could not be submission to her husband, she could not because a marriage was 50/50 so she felt it would throw the balance off.

 

The second was her husband was more extreme then her and had been dropped several times. She spoke of how in that type of relationship the dominant partner was responsible for soothing and healing the bottom afterwards. That it was that aspect the bottom craved, and dropping (not soothing or healing) was a mortal sin in that community.

 

In conclusion a lot of your doubts lay in you not living one life. I will be the first to say there are a thousand valid reasons to divorce. You need to find the strength to choose.

 

Be well

[Southern Sun]

Oh Messy. You are in some deep sh ! t.

 

You are so obsessed with this relationship that you cannot see or hear logic right now. You are not TRULY grasping the fact that you are gambling your husband and your marriage for this ridiculous, disgusting, disrespectful, dirty fling with your boss - someone you claim not to love and who does not love you. You say over and over that you love your husband. And yet, you will (and likely are) trading him for this slimy man who would cheat with you in the shadows. Who would destroy his marriage, your marriage, and your career, without thought. You have forgotten what's important in your life. You are assigning value to all the wrong places. And when your husband knows what you've done, you will be overwhelmed with his grief - which will be 1,000 times worse than your own (and yours will be worse than you can imagine).

 

I believe your boss is manipulative. I thought mine was too. But they can't manipulate us or push our buttons unless we HAVE buttons. Those are called our weaknesses. They are character flaws Messy. They allow us to be flattered, to be easily swayed, to fall away. So we can call the MM terrible, but aren't we right there with him? Allowing that dance to continue? Perpetuating it even? Manipulative, weak, unfaithful, uncommitted, selfish, indecisive, wanting things both ways. They don't just describe your MM, I'm afraid. Are these characteristics you admire in a person? No one does. (I had to come to these conclusions quite painfully about myself, so I am not throwing stones).

 

Unfortunately, I think you are so deep you don't care about those things right now. Most people don't until they nearly lose it all. Or until they actually do.

[Messy Lady]

Jersey - now I have given the wrong impression of my husband! He's definitely not given up on life. He has dreams for us, he does so much to take care of me, I know he loves me, I know he does want to have sex with me even. But we haven't had sex now for months in spite of me trying to initiate a few times. It has been like this for years but this is probably the longest time with it it not happening.

 

Southern - thank you for your post. Yes, I know that those character flaws are just as much mine as they are the MMs. I know what weaknesses/buttons of mine have been played by the MM. But I have chosen to let him play those. I need to cut him off.

 

I want to stop this now. I am fed up of waiting for the MM to say or do something. I am fed up of giving him this control over me. I am fed up of him making teasing references to "us" one minute and then saying no we must be just work only the next. I am fed up that he will make these comments and they are usually based around how much I was enjoying things, not how much he was.

 

But I also want this to stop because I love my husband. He is the man I want to spend my life with. He is the man I want to come home to. He is the man I want to share my thoughts and emotions with. I want the future with him that we have talked of. I want too stop lying to him, to stop hurting him, to stop betraying him.

 

I am feeling angry towards the MM at the moment. I need to use that to give me strength.

[Jersey born raised]

Messy, first do not post an answer to this question, it is far to personal but needs to be considered. Answering this your husband might take as a worst betrayal than the adultery. Does your husband have medical issues he is reluctant to address?

 

If so, you need to speak within the confines of MC and medical professionals. I believe I shared here my personal story with being type 1 and the need for occasional help as an ice breaker. My point being sometimes you just need to laugh at yourself and roll with the punches. But that is me, not your husband.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Messy-

 

Our situations are so very similar and I see you where I was a few months ago. There was a time after one of our break ups (always initiated by me) where i convinced myself that my marriage was better because of what I had with my MM. I was more fun, I was happier, and I could love my husband and keep my MM on the side because he was filling in the gaps that my marriage lacked, so I initiated contact with MM and the affair started up again. MM would do this push and pull dance with me - one day he would be in love with me and there was a future, and the next he was a complete a** and totally distant and cold - it drove me INSANE but I made every excuse under the sun for him acting that way and you know what i told myself - I asked for this and it is making me happier and my marriage better so I allowed it to continue. I can tell you this train of thought isn't true and it isn't healthy. Maybe it is true for a day or a week but what you are doing is you are ripping apart your soul, destroying your self-esteem, and living a complete lie that eventually will shatter your heart.

 

You know what the other lie was that I told myself - I said I wasn't strong enough to walk away and I wished that MM would just walk away and mean it because I knew I couldn't do it. It wasn't true because I was strong enough and so are you if you make that decision.

 

I can tell you what you want to hear, what I am reading between every line in your posts- your MM will want to try and reignite the affair, he will come back trust me. If you do not believe me read up on addiction because he is addicted to how you make him feel. So yes, this is what you want to hear and it is true and will happen. BUT, you are the only one who can decide when enough is enough because you MM will never do it.

 

I really hope you make that decision to take back your life, but I worry right now you are not yet ready to do that. You are waiting and depending on him to make a move - constantly wondering what he will do or say; hanging on every word he says- analyzing it - your emails your conversations. The end has to start with you and I hope you can make that decision before it shatters your heart and soul like it did mine.

[Jersey born raised]

The focus on the OM/OW is why the number one reason for exposure. The OP ducks and runs for cover leaving the WS alone at ground zero. At that point the words I love my spouse, I want to spend my life with him becomes more than words that should be said and hit the WS in the gut like the blunt end of a 2x4.

[Messy Lady]

 

I can tell you what you want to hear, what I am reading between every line in your posts- your MM will want to try and reignite the affair, he will come back trust me. If you do not believe me read up on addiction because he is addicted to how you make him feel. So yes, this is what you want to hear and it is true and will happen. BUT, you are the only one who can decide when enough is enough because you MM will never do it.

 

I really hope you make that decision to take back your life, but I worry right now you are not yet ready to do that. You are waiting and depending on him to make a move - constantly wondering what he will do or say; hanging on every word he says- analyzing it - your emails your conversations. The end has to start with you and I hope you can make that decision before it shatters your heart and soul like it did mine.

 

I recognise myself in the above. Yes, I would want him to still want me. Even if this was to go no further it would at least mean that I was more than just this month's plaything.

 

But as you rightly point out, I am still not fully resolved and determined on this. I do analyse his words, his actions, his gestures. I need to take back my control of my life rather than giving it to him (given by choice, I know).

 

Will he be back for more? I don't know. Will he want to tease me and flirt with me at times? I'm pretty sure he would. He will get the ego boost knowing that I still want him. Do I really want something where we may end up having sex every few months? That just sounds so cheap and nasty so no I don't.

 

 

Jersey - I have read and noted your post and as you quite rightly say, it is not something to comment on in the open forum.

[lftbehind]

Are you afraid that your job will be affected if you don't go along with what your boss wants from you? I'm in that situation.

[Messy Lady]

Are you afraid that your job will be affected if you don't go along with what your boss wants from you? I'm in that situation.

 

No. Not at all afraid. The working relationship is excellent and always has been regardless of what has or has not been happening between him and I on a personal level. Though a concern has been how this could be damaged if things were ended between him and I in a bad way.

[elaine567]

Though a concern has been how this could be damaged if things were ended between him and I in a bad way.

 

Has that not always been the concern?

He is your boss.

Working with a hostile boss, if that is how this ultimately turns out, is going to be difficult for you.

A few winks, nods, and rolling eyes in the right places and your professional reputation could be shot.

Workplace affairs and romances are not usually an issue when things are going well, it is when they end, that the trouble starts.

The most rational, reasonable people can turn into "nightmares" over "romances" gone bad.

[Messy Lady]

Of course it has always been a concern. I never suggested otherwise.

 

That was part of the reasoning for keeping it as sex only i.e. supposedly without emotional complications and not making demands or having expectations of each other in terms of any form of commitment. However that does not mean there should not be respect or caring for each other in some way.

 

I'm too invested with my feelings for him and how they have developed and some may argue he's not invested enough in terms of respect and caring.

[elaine567]

Of course it has always been a concern. I never suggested otherwise.

 

I'm too invested with my feelings for him and how they have developed and some may argue he's not invested enough in terms of respect and caring.

 

Ok, so knowing and being aware of the risks to your job and your marriage and even knowing that your feelings are not being reciprocated, you still charge madly onwards, endangering everything.

Why are you self sabotaging?

Why are you on a collision course to lose it all?

[Messy Lady]

Ok, so knowing and being aware of the risks to your job and your marriage and even knowing that your feelings are not being reciprocated, you still charge madly onwards, endangering everything.

Why are you self sabotaging?

Why are you on a collision course to lose it all?

 

Sigh....here we go again......

 

Yes I knew the risks all along. But I did not go into it with all those unreciprocated feelings. I went into it for selfish reasons and wanted just sex at that stage. My emotional investment then started and I did not realise to what extent until the past week how much that was.

 

I also thought when this started that with no emotional investment, he and I could "contain it" with no complications between him and that we could have fun whilst it lasted. I know what you will say to that but that was my thinking at the time.

 

If you read my thread, you will see that I am aware this is all wrong and out of balance. You will also see that I know it has to end. In fact it probably is over now anyway. I need to end it within me.

[elaine567]

Yes it has been all wrong and out of balance since the start, we all know it should have been just sex, but why are you still "so invested"?

He will snap his fingers tomorrow and you will still dance to his tune.

 

YOU keep talking the good talk, but there has been no positive action to get yourself out of this mess, since that very first day you posted.

 

That is why I ask, why are you so willing to lose it all?

[Messy Lady]

Yes it has been all wrong and out of balance since the start, we all know it should have been just sex, but why are you still "so invested"?

He will snap his fingers tomorrow and you will still dance to his tune.

 

YOU keep talking the good talk, but there has been no positive action to get yourself out of this mess, since that very first day you posted.

 

That is why I ask, why are you so willing to lose it all?

 

I became invested. You make it sound as if I was from the start. I wasn't hence it wasn't out of balance from the start in terms of emotions. It must be great for some people who seem to think you can turn emotions off just like the flick of a switch. It's what you seem to think I should be able to do. But I'm human (in spite of what you may think) and sorry but I don't work like that.

 

I was doing my best this week to just be colleagues. I made no mention of us. I did not touch him. I did not flirt. Then on Thursday we had that conversation where he was worried about me and that got onto me asking him if we were ok - as in we are friends, not more, and that what we have done is not causing problems between us. This was because he had been overly distant with me at the start of the week which had not made work easy but as the week had progressed, things had settled down a bit so we were more relaxed with each other. He asked me how I was in terms and (I know you won't believe it) as someone who does not like lying and who tries to be honest with people, I told him I wished we hadn't ended. Yes, it was foolish of me and it was a big slip up. But after that it was back into work mode.

 

What would you have me do? No. Don't bother answering that. I know what you will say. Tell my husband. Tell his wife. Leave my job. Well none of that is going to happen.