My father (Abuser or Tough Love?)

[TheIncorrecto]

Hi Hello everyone, I'm new on this forum so yeah. Anyway, I wanted to ask you guys and gals a question about my father. I've been struggling with this for a awhile and I want to know if what I'm written below is abuse or is it just tough love?

 

So, I am 20 year old student living by myself. I've had a lot of problems as a kid (who hasn't really?). I have Tourrette Syndrome and that has made my life not easy to say the least. Ever since I was small my dad has been very strict on both me and my brother. Sometimes if I misbehaved he'd hit me on my bottom (Not small slaps but really hard ones) and If I sometimes insulted my mom (by swearing at her) because of my Tourettes he'd slap me really hard with his open hand on the back of my head. If I then told him it was my Tourettes, he'd say that I was abusing my tourrettes and that my insult was of my own free doing. Fortunately the slapping didn't happen very often so it might not even be considered abuse. I was often given a lot of toys as a kid and my father would often use that against me. He'd call me and my brother spoiled bitches because whenever we needed or wanted something he'd say something along the line of: No, absolutely not, you're spoiled enough as it is. He also always demanded that we'd respect him. If my tourrete got out of hand (I used to swear a lot as a kid, not anymore) he'd get really angry and he'd feel insulted that I was not showing him proper respect. He'd often preach about me and my brother having to obey him and as a kid I was often playing outside or doing my own thing and If when wanted me to do something (a chore for example) he'd start screaming from downstairs until I came to him. He'd get angry if I didn't do this particular chore at the exact moment that he told me to do it. If I asked him for just 5 minutes he'd get angry yet again and he'd demand I do it right now. Being a kid I didn't always listen and if that happened he would threaten me with "disciplinary actions and strict rules". He would punish me for not doing what he ordered me to do at that exact moment. The punishments usually included taking away pocket money and play time etc. Even until my 16th birthday, I still had to abide by a 7 O'clock curfew. My entire youth I had to go to bed at 8 O'clock sharp. Like a military drill. 20:00. Even during holidays. Even if it was during the height of summer and it would be too light for me too sleep? He didn't care. If I couldn't sleep I wasn't allowed to read a book or do anything. I just had to lie down in bed, whether I could sleep or not. My brother also has tourette and he was taking certain pills to help that made him extremely tired as a side effect. My dad would just scream at him every morning and call him lazy and fat and that he should get out of bed. My brother had a weight problem and my dad would often insult him for it. I had the same problem. Me and my brother were a bit overweight. He'd call us lazy and fat. One time he told us that he knew a guy who made his sons dig holes in his garden that were 5-10 meters deep and fill them up again for no other reason than to discipline his sons. He then suggested we'd might have to do the same some day and that we should be lucky. Going to school we were both given lunchboxes with 2-4 sandwiches (either with jam or peanut butter). He'd buy the cheapest bread available which was usually completely and utterly dried out. By the time lunch at school came around the jam would have almost dried up and the bread would be so damn dry that I'd be gagging and almost choking just by taking a bite out of them. My dad knew this and didn't care or seem to care. He said that he as a kid also took sandwiches to school and that there was nothing wrong with the bread. He'd get absolutely LIVID if we threw these dried out pieces of bread away at school. He start swearing and shouting. Then he'd guilt trip us by saying the children in Africa are starving and we should be absolutely and immensely ashamed of ourselves for throwing away "good food". Every time we didn't like something or something was almost inedible (because my dad would always get the cheapest food available) he'd start by telling us about the poor starving children of Africa who had it a million times worse than us and we were spoiled bitches who should be ashamed of ourselves. Then sometimes on of those commercials would come on television and we'd see starving African children and he always say stuff like; "at least those children aren't spoiled brats like you"! Recently I was in car accident with my dad. During a bad storm a tree fell on my dad's car almost killing us both. Luckily we didn't suffer any physical injuries but I suffered great physiological injuries from that accident. Long story short I ended up suing the owners of the tree (they knew their tree was coming down) and I received a nice settlement. Now my dad is demanding that I'd give all the money to him because it was his car that broke down and because he had to buy a new one and because he helped with my case. I promised him about 20 pro cent of the money (which is more than enough to cover the costs of a car) and instead of thanking me he was insulted he didn't get more. I need the money to pay for college and I'm under no legal obligation to give anything to him and yet even though I'm promising his costs to be paid he's still insulted. I can go on for another 20 pages with examples. I don't actually mean to sound like an ungrateful spoiled brat but was my dad showing tough love or is this abuse? Please only serious answers please.

[spiderowl]

Yes, he sounds very inflexible and, consequently, abusive. A lot of people were brought up by strict disciplinarians themselves and were treated badly. Some of these people behave the same way. Some people are just rigid characters. It's no excuse because their children end up living with the pain of having to cope with them.

[Buddhist]

Sounds like a typical parent when they are emotionally immature. Sorry but your dad didn't really grow up much. He's acting out like a child himself.

[anika99]

I feel like there are some embellishments to this story. Like the way you describe the dry bread and how you father would be livid when you threw the bread away at school. How would your father even know that you threw it away? Given the way you described him up to that point I highly doubt that you went home and told him. Also where does one go to specifically purchase dry stale bread? Sorry but that part of the story just sounded a little far fetched and over the top.

 

As for the car accident, if it was your fathers car couldn't he get a settlement through his insurance? Basically your father sounds like an ass but he also sounds like the father many people have had. Most of the things you described were exactly the same for me. I had a very strict stepfather who demanded respect and total obedience. I was to carry out his orders immediately and follow all of his rules to a tee and any failure was met with the belt or sudden unexpected slaps upside the head. Of course I got the starving children in Africa speeches. Yes I consider my stepfathers behaviour somewhat abusive but it was also somewhat normal for the era I grew up in and he was far less harsh with me than his father had been with him.

[turnera]

I think it was a bad situation, but I wouldn't go so far as to say abuse.

 

If you're an adult now, just distance yourself from him. I'd give him another 5% as a gesture and then just get out of his life.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hi Hello everyone, I'm new on this forum so yeah. Anyway, I wanted to ask you guys and gals a question about my father. I've been struggling with this for a awhile and I want to know if what I'm written below is abuse or is it just tough love?

 

So, I am 20 year old student living by myself. I've had a lot of problems as a kid (who hasn't really?). I have Tourrette Syndrome and that has made my life not easy to say the least. Ever since I was small my dad has been very strict on both me and my brother. Sometimes if I misbehaved he'd hit me on my bottom (Not small slaps but really hard ones) and If I sometimes insulted my mom (by swearing at her) because of my Tourettes he'd slap me really hard with his open hand on the back of my head. If I then told him it was my Tourettes, he'd say that I was abusing my tourrettes and that my insult was of my own free doing. Fortunately the slapping didn't happen very often so it might not even be considered abuse. I was often given a lot of toys as a kid and my father would often use that against me. He'd call me and my brother spoiled bitches because whenever we needed or wanted something he'd say something along the line of: No, absolutely not, you're spoiled enough as it is. He also always demanded that we'd respect him. If my tourrete got out of hand (I used to swear a lot as a kid, not anymore) he'd get really angry and he'd feel insulted that I was not showing him proper respect. He'd often preach about me and my brother having to obey him and as a kid I was often playing outside or doing my own thing and If when wanted me to do something (a chore for example) he'd start screaming from downstairs until I came to him. He'd get angry if I didn't do this particular chore at the exact moment that he told me to do it. If I asked him for just 5 minutes he'd get angry yet again and he'd demand I do it right now. Being a kid I didn't always listen and if that happened he would threaten me with "disciplinary actions and strict rules". He would punish me for not doing what he ordered me to do at that exact moment. The punishments usually included taking away pocket money and play time etc. Even until my 16th birthday, I still had to abide by a 7 O'clock curfew. My entire youth I had to go to bed at 8 O'clock sharp. Like a military drill. 20:00. Even during holidays. Even if it was during the height of summer and it would be too light for me too sleep? He didn't care. If I couldn't sleep I wasn't allowed to read a book or do anything. I just had to lie down in bed, whether I could sleep or not. My brother also has tourette and he was taking certain pills to help that made him extremely tired as a side effect. My dad would just scream at him every morning and call him lazy and fat and that he should get out of bed. My brother had a weight problem and my dad would often insult him for it. I had the same problem. Me and my brother were a bit overweight. He'd call us lazy and fat. One time he told us that he knew a guy who made his sons dig holes in his garden that were 5-10 meters deep and fill them up again for no other reason than to discipline his sons. He then suggested we'd might have to do the same some day and that we should be lucky. Going to school we were both given lunchboxes with 2-4 sandwiches (either with jam or peanut butter). He'd buy the cheapest bread available which was usually completely and utterly dried out. By the time lunch at school came around the jam would have almost dried up and the bread would be so damn dry that I'd be gagging and almost choking just by taking a bite out of them. My dad knew this and didn't care or seem to care. He said that he as a kid also took sandwiches to school and that there was nothing wrong with the bread. He'd get absolutely LIVID if we threw these dried out pieces of bread away at school. He start swearing and shouting. Then he'd guilt trip us by saying the children in Africa are starving and we should be absolutely and immensely ashamed of ourselves for throwing away "good food". Every time we didn't like something or something was almost inedible (because my dad would always get the cheapest food available) he'd start by telling us about the poor starving children of Africa who had it a million times worse than us and we were spoiled bitches who should be ashamed of ourselves. Then sometimes on of those commercials would come on television and we'd see starving African children and he always say stuff like; "at least those children aren't spoiled brats like you"! Recently I was in car accident with my dad. During a bad storm a tree fell on my dad's car almost killing us both. Luckily we didn't suffer any physical injuries but I suffered great physiological injuries from that accident. Long story short I ended up suing the owners of the tree (they knew their tree was coming down) and I received a nice settlement. Now my dad is demanding that I'd give all the money to him because it was his car that broke down and because he had to buy a new one and because he helped with my case. I promised him about 20 pro cent of the money (which is more than enough to cover the costs of a car) and instead of thanking me he was insulted he didn't get more. I need the money to pay for college and I'm under no legal obligation to give anything to him and yet even though I'm promising his costs to be paid he's still insulted. I can go on for another 20 pages with examples. I don't actually mean to sound like an ungrateful spoiled brat but was my dad showing tough love or is this abuse? Please only serious answers please.

 

 

 

He is clearly an abusive A-hole... and it would be ideal IF the settlement you received was enough to set you up to finish your education AND move-out for long enough to realistically hope you could find a job in your chosen field.

 

 

Unlike somebody up above, I am quite sure what you describe constitutes "abuse". (just an open-handed slap could constitute as much, let alone everything else you described)

 

 

(in short) IF you realistically see an avenue up ahead where you can make-it on your own (financially), then you should give dear old dad zero, and push on toward your independence.

 

 

(you'll be in MUCH better shape for those needing/wanting to be around you in the next few years, if you leave dear old dad behind)

[dreamingoftigers]

Reading "Toxic Parents" helped me really articulate PM the abuse that had gone on in childhood.

 

I read that book in two days and highlighted the Hell out of everything except for one section.

 

That may help validate your feelings on the matter.

 

And your father can file for his own settlement. What a jerk.

[amaysngrace]

If you're asking then you probably already know the answer to your question.

 

I'm sorry about that.

[TheIncorrecto]

I feel like there are some embellishments to this story. Like the way you describe the dry bread and how you father would be livid when you threw the bread away at school. How would your father even know that you threw it away? Given the way you described him up to that point I highly doubt that you went home and told him. Also where does one go to specifically purchase dry stale bread? Sorry but that part of the story just sounded a little far fetched and over the top.

 

As for the car accident, if it was your fathers car couldn't he get a settlement through his insurance? Basically your father sounds like an ass but he also sounds like the father many people have had. Most of the things you described were exactly the same for me. I had a very strict stepfather who demanded respect and total obedience. I was to carry out his orders immediately and follow all of his rules to a tee and any failure was met with the belt or sudden unexpected slaps upside the head. Of course I got the starving children in Africa speeches. Yes I consider my stepfathers behaviour somewhat abusive but it was also somewhat normal for the era I grew up in and he was far less harsh with me than his father had been with him.

 

 

Just to refer about your stale bread thing. The bread was stale because the bread he bought was on offer because it was near the expiry date. Supermarkets often price foods down to very low prices if the food is old. Also he knew I threw it out because I sometimes told him about it afterwards (in which case he'd go livid). As for your strict stepfather, that is clearly abuse as well. There's no excuse for hitting children, even if they're your own. Yes you were abused as a kid! You had it bad, no doubt about it but there are different forms of abuse. From what I read your dad hit you often and I'm sorry you had to go through that. You were a victim of physical abuse while mine was mostly physiological. They're both abuse, just different forms. Just to be clear, you're dad had no excuse to hit you and he was clearly an abuser.

[TheIncorrecto]

Just a quick question on this matter, when I was 8 my dad made me watch the first two Alien movies (Alien & Aliens). Chestburster scene (among others). I saw that when I was 8 and I couldn't sleep for a week afterwards. I wanna think what other people think about that. I am intelligent and always have been but you think it's okay to show the Alien movies to an 8 year old?

[turnera]

Lots of adults never think about the kids' 'minds' and what's appropriate. My dad took me to see Goldfinger when I was 5 and Barbarella when I was 13. Talk about teaching a young girl that females are sex objects.

 

I'm just saying he may be one of those people who never gave a thought about what you were feeling.

[GorillaTheater]

Just a quick question on this matter, when I was 8 my dad made me watch the first two Alien movies (Alien & Aliens). Chestburster scene (among others). I saw that when I was 8 and I couldn't sleep for a week afterwards. I wanna think what other people think about that. I am intelligent and always have been but you think it's okay to show the Alien movies to an 8 year old?

 

Lots of adults never think about the kids' 'minds' and what's appropriate. My dad took me to see Goldfinger when I was 5 and Barbarella when I was 13. Talk about teaching a young girl that females are sex objects.

 

I'm just saying he may be one of those people who never gave a thought about what you were feeling.

 

 

<raises hand> No doubt I've exercised horrible judgment at times in letting my kids watch certain movies. I simply didn't put any thought into it until after the fact when I wound up with a scared kid on my hands.

 

 

On the other hand, daughter #2's favorite movie when she was a kid was "Predator", so you never can tell.

 

 

It was thoughtless, but not in the same category as intentional physical abuse.

[TheIncorrecto]

Yeah, but Aliens and Alien are WAY more scary than goldfinger or even predator. Sure, the skinned humans hanging from trees is horrific but in terms of suspense and macabre Alien is way more scary. Not to forget that Alien is full of sexual innuendos. Arnie shooting up a predator or James bond chasing goldfinger around is quite different than some alien bursting its way out of someone's chest, or being impaled by a tail or having your scull exploded by a tongue or the acidic acid. Not saying that Goldfiner or predator are appropriate for children but some movies are worse than others. Heck, a lot of adults can't even watch Alien and even the concept of a xenomorph came from the hellish nightmares that HR Giger dreamt about.

[Hermus]

It is very clearly abuse. Especially punishing and degrading you for having Tourettes is an absolutely horrible thing to do. It's like punishing someone without legs for not walking.

[planning4later]

The problem with the whole "abuse" topic is that it's less about the alleged offender's actions and more about your personal, subjective feelings to it. Thus, anybody can claim abuse for anything. My ex MIL claimed that her husband was being "abusive" for not answering her phonecall while he was out slaving away building a house for them. My sister in law claimed that her father was "abusive" because he would--gulp--start to "lecture" her over certain things. So the point I'm trying to make is that where does the line get drawn over what is abuse? You could lower it down so far to say that a person not giving you the attention you want is abuse. Many people even do this. Look, my ex wife assaulted me on multiple occasions. Nobody in her family thought it was abuse. They instead looked at ME as the reason why she acted that way. And then you have otherwise good fathers who, just for demanding instant obedience, are considered abusive? I'm just saying...try to get some perspective. I mean abuse is generally something which threatens your physical or mental well-being. Are you emotionally scarred from a dad who made you immediately obey him?

[TheIncorrecto]

I never said he was abusive! Have you even read the title of this post? I asked people if my father was abusive or if it was tough love. Read before you post because you're accusing me of saying something I didn't say