Potentially abusive situation [updated 2016-07-26]

[VeveCakes]

You say he wants to change but then earlier you said he didn't want to change his relationship with his mother figure.

 

People shouldn't have to change to fit into a relationship. This is a waste of time to pursue him changing his entire mindset.

[holyrolypoly]

The therapist does couples counseling and he's been married for 40+ years, but he's really spiritual and New Age and some of it is helpful, but some of it seems like bull and impractical.

 

He said he called the old woman behind my back to tell her that he wasn't happy about what she did, but he still loved her, but he wouldn't talk to her anymore because it was bad for our marriage. He added her to facebook AFTER this conversation happened, so who knows what the truth really is?

[holyrolypoly]

My husband has an admitted lack of boundaries when it comes to relationships. In one of our honesty state of the union conversations, he said he had been talking with a woman he met before we were married and wanted to let me know. I remembered he'd mentioned her wanting to come visit last year, and I said "no, that's weird," and that was pretty much it. I asked him now if he'd told her he was married, and he said yes, so I was satisfied. I went snooping and found out that they talk pretty frequently, never much at length. It seemed to me like a friendship whereas he had characterized it as "a girl I met at a festival" which is more weird for me than calling it a friendship.

 

Some of the messages were kind of fishing on her side, and he pretty much entirely ignored them. She said things like "I miss you, your presence is so calming. I know you're married! I'm not trying to disrespect, no harm" and he would be like "yeah, thanks". She's been trying strenuously to get "us" to come to gatherings and he's noncommittal, "maybe, we might be in the area, we probably won't go" and she'll say he's a "tease." She's asked to "trade massages," make frequent statements about how "lonely" she is, and talks about how past boyfriends have been horrible to her. One exchange:

 

Her: Happy you've found someone or that someone has found you.

Him: Yeah

Her: I thought I did. But that turned sour, rather quickly.

 

Then "I won't get into it," and of course she does, at length. She "doesn't understand why he's doing that" to her, and she's "only being the most loving woman [she] can" and she's "giving him everything but he can't accept [her] love." She says he's abusive, "but then he made me the most amazing dinner." I feel like she's going out of her way to make him feel sorry for her, but is obviously dysfunctional

 

I honestly don't trust my husband to be able to correct this. He is effusive when talking about their shared hobbies, but clams up when it gets weird, but he never actively discourages it. I'm not worried they're cheating. She's a drifter and tends to be living really far from us. She practically begs him to go to these gatherings, and he seems uninterested. I want to send a message like, "hey, I know you're friends, but I'm kind of uncomfortable with some of the messages you've sent. Can you try to tone the messages down some? You're giving the impression that you're romantically interested in him." I don't really care if it's out of line, but is it egregious?

[Cablebandit]

My husband has an admitted lack of boundaries when it comes to relationships. In one of our honesty state of the union conversations, he said he had been talking with a woman he met before we were married and wanted to let me know. I remembered he'd mentioned her wanting to come visit last year, and I said "no, that's weird," and that was pretty much it. I asked him now if he'd told her he was married, and he said yes, so I was satisfied. I went snooping and found out that they talk pretty frequently, never much at length. It seemed to me like a friendship whereas he had characterized it as "a girl I met at a festival" which is more weird for me than calling it a friendship.

 

Some of the messages were kind of fishing on her side, and he pretty much entirely ignored them. She said things like "I miss you, your presence is so calming. I know you're married! I'm not trying to disrespect, no harm" and he would be like "yeah, thanks". She's been trying strenuously to get "us" to come to gatherings and he's noncommittal, "maybe, we might be in the area, we probably won't go" and she'll say he's a "tease." She's asked to "trade massages," make frequent statements about how "lonely" she is, and talks about how past boyfriends have been horrible to her. One exchange:

 

Her: Happy you've found someone or that someone has found you.

Him: Yeah

Her: I thought I did. But that turned sour, rather quickly.

 

Then "I won't get into it," and of course she does, at length. She "doesn't understand why he's doing that" to her, and she's "only being the most loving woman [she] can" and she's "giving him everything but he can't accept [her] love." She says he's abusive, "but then he made me the most amazing dinner." I feel like she's going out of her way to make him feel sorry for her, but is obviously dysfunctional

 

I honestly don't trust my husband to be able to correct this. He is effusive when talking about their shared hobbies, but clams up when it gets weird, but he never actively discourages it. I'm not worried they're cheating. She's a drifter and tends to be living really far from us. She practically begs him to go to these gatherings, and he seems uninterested. I want to send a message like, "hey, I know you're friends, but I'm kind of uncomfortable with some of the messages you've sent. Can you try to tone the messages down some? You're giving the impression that you're romantically interested in him." I don't really care if it's out of line, but is it egregious?

 

Your husband is the one who needs to have this convo with her. You mention it to him...you guys discuss it, if point is valid, he discusses it with friend out of respect for you. Now, the question is does he respect you?

[holyrolypoly]

Your husband is the one who needs to have this convo with her. You mention it to him...you guys discuss it, if point is valid, he discusses it with friend out of respect for you. Now, the question is does he respect you?

 

I've told him before that things like this make me feel disrespected. He says he respects me, but he doesn't really act on those feelings of respect. He tends to be, in my estimation, lazy. He waits for me to tell him what to do, and he does it. I would like for him to take the necessary steps himself, but he doesn't have that initiative. He'll give me information like he's delivering a pizza, and just check out, instead of trying to remedy the situation. Instead of telling him what to do, I want to just cut out the middle man and do it myself, thus ensuring it is done to my satisfaction. Is the message "crazy"? Would it be harsh and unpleasant to receive it?

[holyrolypoly]

I really hate having my threads merged. If you're going to merge, at least link to the appropriate messages. My message to administrators was ignored, so I guess I just have to make a new account every time I want to post a different question about a different problem regarding the same person.

[holyrolypoly]

Anyway, I did it! I was really nice about it, so we'll see what happens.

[VeveCakes]

They do that so we can make informed opinions!

[holyrolypoly]

I don't like it because it sends everyone to the very first post, and readers have to slog through all these previous pages. I've made peace with the responses to the previous questions, and now I have a brand new question that I want to be front and center. Perhaps other posters have nothing to say to the first question asked, but might to the last one I asked, but it's diluted because it's tacked on to the first question. That's my beef with it. Besides, it's confusing.

 

I DO understand why it's done, but people could easily look at my posting history, and besides the LS policy is "while opinions may be formed of various members based on what they have posted in the past, any response to any particular submission should be grounded in what has been posted in that thread." It must be hard to adhere to if you have to read everything the other person posted already.

[Cinnamonstix]

I don't like it because it sends everyone to the very first post, and readers have to slog through all these previous pages. I've made peace with the responses to the previous questions, and now I have a brand new question that I want to be front and center. Perhaps other posters have nothing to say to the first question asked, but might to the last one I asked, but it's diluted because it's tacked on to the first question. That's my beef with it. Besides, it's confusing.

 

I DO understand why it's done, but people could easily look at my posting history, and besides the LS policy is "while opinions may be formed of various members based on what they have posted in the past, any response to any particular submission should be grounded in what has been posted in that thread." It must be hard to adhere to if you have to read everything the other person posted already.

 

You're going to get much better advice with your threads merged. They are all about the same person and roughly the same issue (his poor boundaries with women). Since I've read all of your posts, I actually have to ask... where are your boundaries? It's obvious he keeps crossing them but you don't enforce them, so he will keep crossing. His actions have no consequences.

 

He might not be interested in this girl, but an appropriate response would be to stop talking to her altogether when she crossed the line. Heck, I don't know many spouses that would be okay with their spouse befriending random strangers of the opposite sex. Especially knowing that their spouse has boundary issues, has a history of crushing on others, etc.

 

Having to step in and enforce your spouse's boundaries for him is no way to live. You need to nip the real issue in the bud.

Edited June 24, 2016 by Cinnamonstix

[holyrolypoly]

So the boundaries are hard to define, because I've always then them for granted. In American culture, they're kind of unspoken, so what I told him was that he can't talk have private conversations with someone he's attracted to or is attracted to him (I have all his passwords now) and to act like I'm with him at all times, and not to do/say what he wouldn't do/say in front of me. All of the flirtatious things this girl said, he responded with lol or a long silence and then changed the subject, so I stepped in and said I'm his wife, you seem so nice you probably don't realize it seems like you're flirting, please try and be more appropriate, and she was nice enough about it.

 

He met her before he met me and was trying to get with her. She's not attractive, but he thought she was easy, and he stayed in contact with her, though he told her he was married, because they have common interests and she strokes his ego. It's almost unbelievable but I did have to explain why that relationship wasn't healthy for our marriage, and he seems to understand. However, instead of him getting the picture and removing all such "friendships" I've had to ask him, and he'll tell me the truth but is slow to volunteer because he has a "bad memory" but others include a girl he banged for a month a before she lost interest (a year before we met), then he lost contact with until after we married, and his makeout buddy from a month before we met.

 

The more I ask, the more shaken I feel, but it's all in the past and nothing physical, though some of the things with his ex definitely crossed line, especially before I put strict boundaries in place (he can't see her in person until I meet her). It's hard not to be angry, even though most of it was a year or two back

[holyrolypoly]

My husband and I have decided to try a trial separation. We're meeting with our couples counselor in two days to try to hammer out details. I'm staying at my mom's and we're talking on the phone every day. It seems like every conversation turns into an argument, then we spend a lot of time talking about the argument and fixing the argument, the original issue usually gets shunted aside for 20+ minutes, and then we can talk civilly for a while after that, but I feel dissatisfied inside. Because of his job and his personal preferences, he goes to sleep earlier than I do, so sometimes our conversations have a feeling of being rushed or getting cut short.

 

He called me an hour ago to let me know he was done with work and would call me again in a bit. I don't really know what the point was. When he called back, he said, "I'm not sure when [my friend's] boys are getting back, so I don't know when dinner will be, so we can talk for awhile."

 

I said that I'd like him to put more effort into our relationship, and he immediately blew up. When he finally stopped talking, I said "I feel like there's a time limit and I don't know what it is," which he denied. I feel like he shouldn't be putting time limits on how long we can talk, or call when he has plenty of time to talk. I eventually hung up on him because he kept interrupting me, talking over me, and yelling, and said "I'm not going to talk to you if you're going to keep being like this and saying things like this," and kept talking over me as I said goodbye. We talked for a total of about 3 minutes.

 

I'm sick and tired of arguing with him. Everything sets him off. Is it my responsibility to call him back? If someone is acting unacceptably, do you have to set a boundary, or is it okay to just hang up? He wouldn't have heard me if I tried to do it the "right" way, anyway. I know he's impulsive because he has ADHD and his doctor said that interrupting is normal for them, but at the same time, I'm really tired of him.

[RecentChange]

So.... what is good about your relationship? What are you trying to make work? What do you envision your marriage becoming? Do you see a road map to get there? What is his vision for the future? Is it the same as yours?

 

When did the arguing start? The break down in communication?

 

Personally, I have never seen, or heard of "taking a break" working.

 

For me at least, if I am willing to walk out that door, its over. I can't imagine trying to work things out with someone that I "need a break from".

 

During the rough patches in my relationship we ran to each other, spent more time together, hashed things out TOGETHER rather than take a break from each other.

[holyrolypoly]

So.... what is good about your relationship? What are you trying to make work? What do you envision your marriage becoming? Do you see a road map to get there? What is his vision for the future? Is it the same as yours?

 

When did the arguing start? The break down in communication?

 

Personally, I have never seen, or heard of "taking a break" working.

 

For me at least, if I am willing to walk out that door, its over. I can't imagine trying to work things out with someone that I "need a break from".

 

During the rough patches in my relationship we ran to each other, spent more time together, hashed things out TOGETHER rather than take a break from each other.

 

I always felt the way you do until recently. I felt like something broke inside me. It's like he can't understand me, no matter how much I try to explain. I don't feel like I'm being complicated or vague, but he's like emotionally retarded. We've always had issues with communication, but it's definitely gotten worse in the past month, since I found out about his EA and a bunch of other stuff.

 

There's not much good about the relationship lately. We have a shared vision of the future, which will be the hardest part to give up. He can be really sweet and generous and kind and fun, but lately he's just angry all the time. I can't express myself because he gets mad and takes it personally every time I say something. He immediately goes on the offense, because he feels like I'm attacking him when I'm simply expressing a feeling.

 

I'm just getting fed up more than anything.

[Ibelieveinlove]

First off, do you think that there is any chance of you all working it out? It sounds like this is his typical behavior (due to the ADHD), and so you have to ask yourself if this is a behavior/reaction that you can deal with long term.

 

It sounds to me like your husband is being very defensive. Sometimes, people react like that they feel like they are being unjustly blamed for something that is BOTH of your faults. I noticed that a few times you told him that HE needed to do things to help the relationship. The relationship is BOTH of your responsibilities; when you use the finger-pointing language, you're implying that "things are screwed up, and it ALL YOUR FAULT." See how that accusation would make someone feel defensive and blow up, especially if they can't get you to see things from their perspective.

 

If you have to talk, try speaking with him about something neutral (i.e. how was work? how was your day?, etc.). The moment the conversation gets dicey, quickly and politely end the conversation. I believe that no matter how ridiculous someone acts, deep down they don't want to be given up on. If you want your relationship to improve, you have to be the stronger person and refuse to "go there" with him (because you ain't got time for that! right?)

 

As far as hanging up, maybe you could send him a text apologizing for losing your cool. If he responds angrily, don't engage.

 

Also, about the time limit. Don't fret about it, find something else to do. Sometimes the best conversations are short and to the point. I'm pretty talkative (as you can tell), and last night I called my fiance and stayed on the phone for exactly 1:26 seconds before telling him goodnight and I'll talk to him tomorrow. I did that to turn the tables, and give the impression that I have things to, and I was just making a courtesy call.

 

I have a lot more to say about this, but my fingers are tires. Good luck!

[holyrolypoly]

lol, thanks.

 

All I said was that one thing. Yes, sometimes things are my fault, sometimes things are his, sometimes they're both, but I should be able to say how I feel without him blowing up. Married people shouldn't be limited to having superficial relationships- how would we work out our problems? I don't want to play games and talk to him for a minute and a half, he's going to be away for three weeks. That's ridiculous. I can't deal with his behavior long-term. He's getting screened for ADD but has two appointments left, which have to be on hold because he's away for work for three more weeks.

 

[]

Edited July 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads ~6

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

How are you voicing your concerns? You said couples counseling, have they not taught you guys how to voice concerns without the other feeling like they are being attacked? A big part of couples counseling should be working on your communication skills with one another. The "I" statements instead of "you"statements and things along those lines? What steps have you both done to improve communication and learn to "fight fair"? How is your approach? I have a suspicion that if he were asked how your phone conversations go, it would be a story about how he feels attacked when you guys talk. Sounds like he is already looking to defend himself as soon as you guys get on the phone.