Tricky situation

[r321148]

Thanks both for taking the time to reply.

 

Preraph: I think a lot of this is to do with her mum. I have been her best friend and support for a long time and it must be hard for her too with what she is going through at the moment. This is part of why I feel bad because I've basically just pulled the support away, despite the fact she was quite within her rights to start seeing someone.

 

Privategal: do you regret staying friends with that guy during the time that both of you were in relationships? I guess this is where I am. I really would love to be strong enough to get over it and continue our friendship but I just don't know how to with the way I feel at the moment. I think my feelings for her have grown too strong for me to be cool with her being with someone else but I'd love it if I could get past that. I can't help but feel let down even though I know the current situation is largely my own fault.

 

Over the last 2-3 years since the breakup of my last relationship we did get really close. At any point during this time I could have told her how I felt, but I didn't want to rock the boat. Things were good and the blurry relationship just kind of worked. We spent time together whenever we could, spoke often, helped each other out of tight spots, had great sex, went on dates, went on holidays together, created some great memories etc. I thought we had a mutual understanding and respect for each other, but I now see I should have spoken to her about that. I knew she was free to start seeing other people, the same as I was.

 

What I am also confused about is how she thinks we can stay friends? Is that just naivety or what is it? Given this guy was in the next room to me and her having sex every couple of weekends for the past 3 years, ...and he knows we've been sleeping together on and off for 10+ years, heard about our dates, holidays etc. How does she think that he is going to be ok with me and her being friends? I know in his position I'd be very uncomfortable with her coming to spend a weekend with me alone. I know that isn't really my problem but I just can't help wondering how she sees this working even if I can eventually get to a point where I'm OK with it?

[privategal]

I do actually regret staying friends because due to those relationships we were in with others but remaining too close with all the chemistry and close bond this created in the background a lot of confusion and we were also best friends and had these spoken and unspoken feelings but we had no where to place them, we could never go all in, we could never grow, we were confused acting like a faux couple a lot but being with other people.

It got really confusing, caused arguments, resentment and hurt between us was growing and in the end a beautiful friendship was lost because lines were crossed and we were never able to survive platonically though we did try hard to just maintain basic normal friendship but it was too gray.

It's been many months since we've spoken and we will never speak again, it's just done and it hurts all the time but I think it's best to be done with it.

This might be the time for you to be done. The right thing and the hardest thing are the same and if we'd made a clean break and let the other just move forward in their own lives we wouldn't have gone through as much hurt.

Neither of us let go when we should have.

I'd block her and begin to heal.

It will take a good while but can only happen if you go 100% no contact and stick with it. Hope this helps.

[emz23]

Yep you messed it up so now you need to grow a pair and deal with it.

My guess is that over the last 2-3 years or so (maybe even 10 years?) she has been patiently waiting for you to make your move. You never did so she found someone who would.

 

She hasn't let you down...the fact she is dating someone you know is none of your concern. She was single and could date whoever she liked and now that she is... suddenly your interested?

If she's dating her friend and roommate she must be pretty sure of the relationship because she's putting everything on the line....her home, her previous friendship with him, her friendship with you, all of their mutual friends....

 

Everyone else seems to be tiptoeing around it but you sound kind of selfish. You had so much chance to tell her how you felt but chose to wait until she finally found someone. Now your ignoring her messages?

You should be grateful that she is even still trying to continue a friendship with you!

[r321148]

Thanks Privategal. That does help hearing how it was for you. I feel like we are at a crossroads in our friendship.

I think the ball is in my court as to whether I can be her friend or not. I hope maybe I can in time, but I think like someone said before, it will destroy the friendship if I try right now when I'm not ready. I can see similarities with your situation; we have a lot of history and I don't know that we can ever be truly friends again as proved by her sleeping in my bed and cuddling me last weekend.

 

emz23; thanks for your honesty. Yes I feel selfish already as I've said before. I know I messed it up as I said above. I'm not denying any of that.

I do think you are wrong that I am only interested now because she found someone new though. I was interested before and have been since my last relationship, but I didn't want to rock the boat whilst things were going well. I also didn't truly realise how much I'd fallen for her until it was too late.

 

Yes I suppose I am lucky that she is still making an effort to be friends. So presumably you think I should accept her friendship and carry on like before? I really do hope that one day I can do that, I just don't think I can right now.