Day 3 NC... Distracting Myself

[immokk]

Blah blah ... conference call still hasn't started.

 

So I'm going to talk a little more about my disappointment. Not in the A or in xMM but in myself.

 

I have no idea what an average OW looks like... if I were to hazard a guess, I would say they all look a little different but, barring a few exceptions, they're all carrying a little vulnerability.

 

On saying that, and I have plenty (my dad died, my marriage was a mess, life was a bit pants) I have a lot going for me. I am early 30s, I have a great job, I earn good money, I am not reliant on anyone for anything financially or professionally, I am intelligent (hey, let me have that one, despite this), I am tall and I am reasonably attractive.

 

My friends always used to joke that men didn't date me they just fell in love with me. It became an on going joke and one of my friends started keeping a tally of the number of men that had told me they loved me.

 

And yet... I end up married to a man I should never have married, spending several years at the end miserable as hell but working hard to find a salvation within before finally giving up and falling for a MM.

 

WTF is that????

 

Sigh!

[Lobe]

Although, on a plus, for the first time I felt like I'd like to punch him in the face yesterday. A memory, and it was brief, but that's some sort of progress, I think? Ha.

 

Kubler-Ross defines the stages of grief like this:

 

Step One: Denial.

Step two: Anger.

Step Three: Bargaining.

Step Four: Depression.

Step Five: Acceptance.

 

Most people bounce around a bit (two steps forward one step back) but yes, getting to the point where you feel anger is a sign of progress. Let it come, and let it go. I remember being told after my divorce from my first husband that I needed to be like seaweed in the ocean and surrender to the waves instead of fighting them. I'm pretty sure there's a proverb or 17 about this concept as well, but I think it's sound advice. Let it come and let it go.

 

Hugs to both you and Oran, the NC twinnies.

[immokk]

Kubler-Ross defines the stages of grief like this:

 

Step One: Denial.

Step two: Anger.

Step Three: Bargaining.

Step Four: Depression.

Step Five: Acceptance.

 

Most people bounce around a bit (two steps forward one step back) but yes, getting to the point where you feel anger is a sign of progress. Let it come, and let it go. I remember being told after my divorce from my first husband that I needed to be like seaweed in the ocean and surrender to the waves instead of fighting them. I'm pretty sure there's a proverb or 17 about this concept as well, but I think it's sound advice. Let it come and let it go.

 

Hugs to both you and Oran, the NC twinnies.

 

Oh, blimey... what does bargaining entail? I don't like the sound of that. Nor depression... ha!

[Lobe]

Bargaining is that part where you make futile requests of the Almighty Nothingness. It's a whole lot of wishing you could turn back the clock and change how it ends.

 

I dunno what it looks like for the OW, but for me, when my husband left because he was so deep in the fog he couldn't imagine life without his giver of ego kibbles, I bargained with the Almighty Nothingness that I would be a better wife if only he would come home. When he did come home, in mourning the loss of what I thought was an intact marriage, bargaining involved me wishing that I could go back and be a better wife, make better choices, call him out on his gaslighting and stop the affair before it went PA, etc. etc. It involved a lot of self-loathing and feeling like I had caused the affair and therefore wishing I had the power to un-cause it. I promised the Almighty Nothingness that I would be a good wife if only I could just forget the affair.

[Lobe]

Oh, blimey... what does bargaining entail? I don't like the sound of that. Nor depression... ha!

 

Depression was the "easy" part. I'm good at being sad.

[Oran]

Kubler-Ross defines the stages of grief like this:

 

Step One: Denial.

Step two: Anger.

Step Three: Bargaining.

Step Four: Depression.

Step Five: Acceptance.

This is really useful, Lobe. I think I've been bouncing around the first three. He's been blackmailed by BS into returning to her - a-hole, he used me - if only I hadn't been so guilty and hung up on him being M, if only I'd loved him unconditionally, he'd still be with me now. Ugh!

 

I think for the first time today I felt sad. NC has been a relief tbh. But today I feel sad, I miss things, we used to sit and have a glass of wine and I'd read to him and we'd discuss what I was reading. Hot, right? I bet that's not what BSs imagine when they think of their SH with the OW - 'I can't bear to think of them together, reading, I can't get the images out of my mind.'.

[Oran]

Immokk, keep on being post happy, I'm learning lots from you and the dialogue. Thank you!

[Lobe]

I bet that's not what BSs imagine when they think of their SH with the OW - 'I can't bear to think of them together, reading, I can't get the images out of my mind.'.

 

I can't speak for anyone else but actually yes, those are the mind-movies that haunt me. Not the torrid sex or passionate lovemaking, but the hand holding, long deep conversations, comfortable silences... Between the xOW sending me a complete 6-months set of reminders about her an WH's "anniversaries" and me reading several of their lengthy love letters, I'm more tortured about the tenderness and intimacy they had than them banging in the broom closet. But that's just me.

[Oran]

I can't speak for anyone else but actually yes, those are the mind-movies that haunt me. Not the torrid sex or passionate lovemaking, but the hand holding, long deep conversations, comfortable silences... Between the xOW sending me a complete 6-months set of reminders about her an WH's "anniversaries" and me reading several of their lengthy love letters, I'm more tortured about the tenderness and intimacy they had than them banging in the broom closet. But that's just me.

Sorry, Lobe for being flippant, and not thinking. I think there is a tendency to over simplified As as simply being about sex. Some of the terms for OW I've seen used here are things like cum-sponge, cum bucket, etc. I'm sure it's a way of simplifying, making less threatening and more distant what happened in the A. I hadn't thought about the tender moments from the perspective of a BS, so thank you for responding.

[Lobe]

Sorry, Lobe for being flippant, and not thinking. I think there is a tendency to over simplified As as simply being about sex. Some of the terms for OW I've seen used here are things like cum-sponge, cum bucket, etc. I'm sure it's a way of simplifying, making less threatening and more distant what happened in the A. I hadn't thought about the tender moments from the perspective of a BS, so thank you for responding.

 

I didn't think it was flippant Oran. I think most women would prefer to think it's all about sex because then it's easy to label the actors. "Cum-sponge for a perverted sex addict" is easier to stomach than "witty, intelligent lunch partner who makes my husband feel alive inside." I prefer to think of my WH's xOW as a vacuous immoral predatory jizz receptacle with disease-infested fist-sized gaping holes, not someone who became my WH's BFF because I was too preoccupied to see that my husband felt as unloved and insecure as I did.

 

Likewise, I think APs will find it easier to envision the BS as uptight, cold, demanding, unloving, asexual, unsympathetic, etc. v. the person who your MM/MW once pursued, wooed, and loved enough to say, "I do," to a committed relationship, kids, mortgages - all the things they can't or won't give the AP because they are second fiddle...

[Lobe]

immokk - plans for the weekend?

[Oran]

Hi immokk, sorry, I feel as though I've hijacked your thread. Apologies. Hope your NC is still going strong. I had a real wobbler yesterday where for the first time I thought, sh*t, I really miss exAP. But, I'm stubborn and determined so that's all it's going to be, missing him. How are you?

[Grapesofwrath]

OP: Sorry...a little late to the party on this one. An earlier poster wrote that the BS has a right to know, but it shouldn't come from the AP. I agree with this. I had many fantasies about somehow letting the BW know about xMM, at no risk to myself of course, and realized quickly that those are actually self-serving revenge fantasies. I wanted him to pay "for what he did to me." But truthfully, he didn't do anything to me. I am not his victim. I participated, willingly. And whatever heartache I felt as a result is on me.

 

The desire to tell her stemmed from that desire to exact revenge and play the role of victim. I'm not his victim. If anyone is the victim here, it's her. She feels his betrayal (and he has betrayed her many times, not just with me.) For whatever reasons, she has elected not to investigate further. Probably because he is gaslighting the hell out of her, and she trusts him because he is her husband so she stifles that inner voice and moves forward doing her best.

 

Somewhere in the middle of our A, xMM came back from the weekend at home and told me that his weekend had been difficult because his wife told him she felt something was "off" and asked if he was having an affair. Imagine how much it took from her to ask that question? (I often wondered how many times she has asked him that and if she knew about and forgave previous betrayals, which is why she went there.) He denied it, of course, and attributed his distance to stress from work. In my mind, I watched that movie of him gaslighting her, reassuring her, lying to her about what he was doing and it made me sick to my stomach. I asked him if he wanted to stop the A and he said no. But I think that was the beginning of me wanting out. So she felt it, and he manipulated her, as he had done many times in the past.

 

Was it really necessary for me to rub her face in it? No.

[Lobe]

immokk are yuuuokk?

[immokk]

Rough week.

 

Fighting with myself a lot and a lot of my inner demons... and the inner me that has a terrible habit of being the outer me on the very odd occasion.

 

That me is destructive so battling away.

 

I'll be fine, I'm sure. And I'm sure I'll be back.

[Lobe]

Rough week.

 

I'm afraid to ask how NC is going. I hope you're holding up OK, doing some self-care, that sort of thing.

[immokk]

Quick update... things have been a bit in pieces.

 

I am waiting for the crap to hit the fan in approximately two weeks. After which I will come back and fill you all in.

 

Things were going well for me.

 

Not so much right now.

 

Thanks for everyone's support.

[Lobe]

Quick update... things have been a bit in pieces.

 

I am waiting for the crap to hit the fan in approximately two weeks. After which I will come back and fill you all in.

 

Things were going well for me.

 

Not so much right now.

 

Thanks for everyone's support.

 

In two weeks? Why in two weeks? You can't leave us hanging like that... it's just not right...

[immokk]

I'm expecting an unwanted and unplanned DDay. (unplanned by me)

 

Even though I'm out. So much anxiety.

 

Long story about the wait and I don't want to go into it right now.

 

Life has been crappy. But not as crappy as it's going to be and not nearly as crappy as his BS is going to feel.

 

FFS

[immokk]

I better go.

 

Being on here isn't helping me today.

[Lobe]

I better go.

 

Being on here isn't helping me today.

 

immokk, my heart hurts for you, for the BS, and for the ripple effect it's going to have on all sorts of people.

 

I have no advice, just an offer for an awkward extended arm virtual hug, because a hug online involves no actual touching and I don't like people in my bubble...

 

((((( immokk ))))))

[immokk]

So the DDay didn't happen and I thought it was over.

 

 

Long story short someone else found out and told me that she had told xMM that he either told his own wife or she would. I'm not going into the intricacies of all of the relationships here.

 

Suffice to say NC was broken briefly to tell me (what she already had). She had given a deadline.

 

I don't know how but at the time he talked her down and the DDay never happened.

 

But the threat has reared it's head again and I have no idea why.

 

Difficult to move on with your life with that hanging over you, despite all of my best efforts to get on with things.

 

As far as I am aware this person is not asking for anything, this isn't blackmail, I think its a friend wrestling with her conscience. I think he's now at a point where he needs to tell her himself but, as we all know, he's gutless.

 

But the anxiety is killing me.

 

Oodles of self pity going on here.

[immokk]

And just before anyone jumps down my throat... I know I probably deserve the anxiety.

 

And, as per the question in my very first post, I think his wife deserves to know.

 

However, I had removed myself and been trying very hard to get on with my life.

 

It has been a constant struggle as I feel an utter fool half of the time and angry the other half. I'm a naturally anxious person and so getting involved was always going to be a mistake but love is a stupid, ridiculous thing and it's what I felt (I had known him a very long time prior to our EA then PA).

 

I was a fool to believe him and the things he said, although on some level it is obvious he loved me in a way.

 

I am not blameless but I am certainly not to blame.

 

His wife has the right to know but I had walked away.

 

There's even part of me that thinks, given all of this hanging over me, I ought to tell her myself. Then it's not hanging over anyone. The friend, the xMM... neither of them will have control over my emotions then.

 

If I do it myself then at least I am expecting the fall out from it.

 

But I really don't want to.

 

And I see that I'm babbling but I literally cannot focus today. I just can't think about anything else.

[Rikki67]

immokk - I know how you feel. the only time I would consider tell the BS is if I would find out he dumped me and found another A. Other then that it is up to him or his friend. Don`t get tangled up in this mess. You said, you removed yourself from the situation as good as you could. Keep it that way. You can do it!

[immokk]

An update:

 

Still the friend hasn't said anything but I gather that she is away from home at the moment.

 

From my knowledge of her, she is a good person and is not playing games here, I suspect she is wrestling her conscience.

 

But I'm in limbo... my other comments above still stand in regards to it perhaps being no more than I deserve.

 

I am determined not to break NC but I really want to tell xMM to tell his wife himself. At least then he has some control and I will know when it will happen.

 

It has occurred to me again, during a particularly sleepless night over this last night, that I should do it myself.

 

The anxiety is killing me.

 

I'm aware that whatever happens I'm under the bus but I'm so tired of having no control when I was pulling myself (very slowly) back together.