WhatsWhat Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 So, I posted a little while back about me break up. It's a long post, but if more background is needed -- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/580397-what-going-his-head Background: 4 year relationship We're not kids (54 & 51) Him basically fighting a serious relationship most of the time At the end, him telling me he felt trapped and that I wasn't 'the one' We both had huge stresses in our lives that really peaked towards the end Anyway, I have had some contact with him since the break up. At first, me contacting him and meeting up to tell him how crappy he had treated me and that, although it was over, I felt and would always feel that he owed me an apology. He said he wanted to be friends, but I told him that I didn't want to be friends. Later, as things calmed down, I still told him that, but said that, of course, if we needed to interact, that I would, of course be civivl with him. It was 2 months before he came to get his things. We still had a mutual item of decent value to sell and he had something of mine that I wanted. For the longest time, there seemed to be some little thing hanging that left the need for contact of some sort and that ticked me off. It felt like I was always put in the position where I had to contact him to get things put to bed. I found a buyer for the item and asked him to be here when the guy came to look at it because I wasn't comfortable selling it on behalf of the both of us. He didn't come through, so I sold it and decided that if he cared, then he could contact me and then I would be more than happy to e-transfer him his share of the money. I was done chasing him down for things. 2 weeks ago he texted me that he found the item that I wanted returned. He had an exclamation point at the end like I was supposed to react and say 'Yay--thanks!!' or something. I nonchalantly replied with a simple 'Good, thanks'. No, 'When can you drop it off' or anything'. I wasn't going to extend anything further. Yesterday, he texted me while I was at work and said that he left my item in the garage. I didn't open the actual message to read the whole thing until a little later and saw that he went on to say 'It would be nice to meet for a coffee if you would.' I'm not sure what I would even have to say to him if I met him. All I would really do is listen to what he had to say. I don't really have the desire to tell him what's been going on in my life. What's the point? I don't want or need him as a friend. Not that I'm being pissy about it, I've just become fairly indifferent regarding him now. Oh, I'm still hurt, but have come to an understanding in my head that we are over. The time for salvaging any relationship has passed, so I'm really not sure what meeting would be all about. So my question is this, and it's a sincere question, so I don't want tainted comments like he's leading you on, he just wants to hook up and so on. I've tried to put myself in the position of the dumper and think about why I would ever want to meet my ex for coffee and can't come up with much. I honestly don't know why he thinks it 'would be nice' to meet for a coffee. ???
Marc878 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Probably a waste of your time. Unless you have time to kill.
Author WhatsWhat Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 Not really what I was asking, but thanks Anyone have any real help or insight? Maybe someone who was a dumper?
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I've tried to put myself in the position of the dumper and think about why I would ever want to meet my ex for coffee and can't come up with much. I honestly don't know why he thinks it 'would be nice' to meet for a coffee. ??? It seems to me he wants to have coffee with you because he genuinely likes you and would enjoy your company. Just because he didn't ask you to marry him is no reason to assume he doesn't really enjoy being with you. From the way he worded his invitation to you and all you've written about him he sounds like a nice guy and a gentleman. From all you've written it seems to me you want nothing to do with him and that's your prerogative. In your place, If I felt indifferent toward him, I'd probably go to the coffee and enjoy his friendship because I really enjoy being with people I've had a history with if they have treated me fairly. If I hadn't recovered from caring/loving him, I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't want to stoke my feelings for him. 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 (edited) I've been a dumper mostly but have been dumped before, too, due to lifestyle issues. I would meet up with any man from my past (who hasn't stalked me) and thoroughly enjoy visiting with him. I just really love people and particularly those I've been in love with I will always treasure and wish them well, be part of their cheering section! This would not mean I want to get back into a relationship with the person but if our situations were more conducive to being in a relationship than they were at the time of our breakup, I might consider it with one of them. Edited June 4, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease 2
Author WhatsWhat Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 The thing is, he really didn't treat me fairly. I tended to give; he tended to take. When we first broke up, he immediately went back on the dating site where we met. I freaked and called him on it. He got really mad and said he had 'no obligation to me anymore. We weren't together anymore!!!!' I truly gave myself to him and he trashed it. He knows that I don't want to be 'friends' with him so that's why I'm confused about why he thinks coffee would be nice. I've accepted that what he did and how he did it isn't a true reflection on me, but something he just needed to do or go through. I'm just not sure what it all has to do with me now, when he was the one that didn't want to try to work things out 6 months ago. It's over and I really don't get how people believe that they can continue having their exes in their lives and that it would be good. Maybe YEARS down the road. Anyway, I said that I would meet him if he liked and left it at that (human curiosity I guess). Although, I wouldn't be all that surprised if I don't hear from him. Just my gut feeling.
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 The thing is, he really didn't treat me fairly. I tended to give; he tended to take. When we first broke up, he immediately went back on the dating site where we met. I freaked and called him on it. He got really mad and said he had 'no obligation to me anymore. We weren't together anymore!!!!' To me, once you have broken up with a person if you begin to pursue someone else five minutes later you haven't done anything wrong so not sure how you're offended by this. I truly gave myself to him and he trashed it. Oh, didn't notice anything in your post where he seemed to be trashing your relationship, thought he just realized the two of you weren't meant to be, which is, imho, not trashing a relationship but a kind thing to do rather than to lead you on. He knows that I don't want to be 'friends' with him so that's why I'm confused about why he thinks coffee would be nice. Right, you are confused so I posted to you why I believe he may want to have coffee, he likes you and would enjoy your company. You told him you didn't want to be friends so maybe he's not wanting to re-establish a friendship, maybe he just wants to have a congenial ending to your relationship. The more you write the more it seems to me you may be bitter and it's possible (though I don't recall you mentioning it) that if you were bitter when he broke up with you that you expressed some negative things to him. If so, this may lead him to try to patch things up with you so that the two of you can go your separate ways amicably. Obviously, there's no way to know why he wants to meet with you. Maybe for an apology, maybe just to chat, maybe just to try to be friends or not. Guess you'll find out. It's just that from my perspective I don't find it odd or out of place that he wants to have coffee with you. I've accepted that what he did and how he did it isn't a true reflection on me, but something he just needed to do or go through. I'm just not sure what it all has to do with me now, when he was the one that didn't want to try to work things out 6 months ago. It's over and I really don't get how people believe that they can continue having their exes in their lives and that it would be good. Maybe YEARS down the road.Right, for you that's what is comfortable. But not for everyone since people are unique creatures. It's your prerogative to say, "No," about the coffee. Anyway, I said that I would meet him if he liked and left it at that (human curiosity I guess). Although, I wouldn't be all that surprised if I don't hear from him. Just my gut feeling. (Apologies for having inserted bolded text into your body of text. I know how to repost from different posts but not how to separate a post to reply to parts of it individually so just used the bolded text within your posts to reply) He may have been just testing the waters so I would think if they were "cold" or negative in any way, you won't hear from him. If they were warm I would bet you'll hear from him. Just my opinion.
pasteurization Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I was the dumper in a somewhat similar situation. I think it is likely that he's had second thoughts about letting you go, and wants to test the waters to see if there's a chance of rekindling things with you. I let someone go during a time of stress as well, and regretted the decision greatly. It took a while after the stress and pressure were gone to see the relationship in a clear light, and to realize how compatible we really were. If you accepted his coffee date, he probably has fairly high hopes. I'd try to make it clear before you meet that you have moved on and aren't really interested in anything beyond the coffee. It might avoid some awkwardness. 1
Author WhatsWhat Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 I'm not sure there's any need to make it clear that I've moved on. Me not contacting him should have let him know that. I really think it's a slim chance that that is what he is after anyway really. I'm more inclined to think that he just wants to see that we're on friendly terms. Although, I'm not sure if a face to face meeting is needed for that. A simple text or even a phone call should satisfy that. If that's what it is, I'll give him that. It's no skin of my back. But I have no desire to be friends with him. If it is rekindling that he's looking for, I would have to say that there was more of a chance months ago than now. Even if I wanted to, I'm not sure what it would take for me to ever give my heart to him again. There would have to be some BIG changes and revelations on his part because I know more about our relationship and myself now. Things have changed in me. The main thing is, I just wanted to get my head prepared for what he may be looking for in getting together. Me being female, I've been surprised by what goes on in a guys head on more than one occasion 1
pasteurization Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 I'm sure you're right since you know the situation much better than anyone. I'll just say that from a general "guys" perspective, he wouldn't likely be reaching out and asking to meet with you just to "make sure you are on good terms", especially if you've been out of real contact for so long. In fact, if I really was uninterested in rekindling something, I would stay away for fear of giving the wrong impression. My opinion would of course be different if you had separated on good terms and a friendship seemed likely or at least possible, but that doesn't sound like the case. Just a question-- what could he say at this point that would allow you to reconsider a relationship with him (I ask since I am going through this right now...). P 2
Neffer Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 (edited) He wants to explain himself (absolve himself). He wants to not feel like the bad guy, even if he is. I would go with your gut and not meet him. You are in a good frame of mind, over him, happily indifferent, and it will just be very annoying having to hear his (revised) side of history. Pointless really. He doesn't want to be the ***hole in the story. It's selfish and for you - pointless. Even if he did apologize - it would be conditional. Rationalizations galore. That is how these things work. They have a while to mull it over and they reframe the story. You would just play the audience. When it comes down to it - people are defined by their actions. How they act, treat people, is who they are. Judge him accordingly. Edited June 5, 2016 by Neffer
Author WhatsWhat Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 @Neffer - I agree with some of what you say, but I also don't believe in blanketing someone for their actions or behaviour. We all have issues and deal with them how we think we need to, right or wrong. If he wants to absolve himself and that will help him better himself, clear his conscience and let him move onto a better life, then I'm not totally against giving him that. Remember, this is someone that I loved and cared for. That fact that I don't want to be friends with him does not mean that I wish him anything bad. @pasteurization - Every situation is different, and I don't even know what it would take for me to consider rekindling anything with him. Not that I even think this is what he is looking for. He always said that he wanted to make sure that I'm ok (conscience clearing). I'm sure for anyone, if there is ever a chance, it takes a combination of words and, more so, actions/behaviour. When a person has denied your love, it's very hard to ever give that to that person again. A lot of soul searching would have to be done on the side of the denier. Even then, would that other person ever really know if it is true and lasting? So, for your situation, I guess it would depend on the circumstances of the break up. 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 He always said that he wanted to make sure that I'm ok (conscience clearing).. This, to me, maybe sounds a little condescending (his attitude sounds a little condescending), as if he thinks you might not recover. Sounds to me as if you're just fine!
Author WhatsWhat Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 Yeah, I agree, and I always did take it that way. But, his reference was more based on my situation--I was out of work and wasn't sure if I would be able to keep my house and was stressed, not eating etc. He also knew that he was not going to be my saviour regarding this in any way though. He just wanted to help with the house and get me settled in regard to selling it or whatever I needed to do. I always told him that I would be just fine I have never and will never take for the sake of taking. I don't use people.
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 Yeah, I agree, and I always did take it that way. But, his reference was more based on my situation--I was out of work and wasn't sure if I would be able to keep my house and was stressed, not eating etc. He also knew that he was not going to be my saviour regarding this in any way though. He just wanted to help with the house and get me settled in regard to selling it or whatever I needed to do. I always told him that I would be just fine I have never and will never take for the sake of taking. I don't use people. You do post as if you are just fine and have gotten things all together. Keep us posted if you end up meeting him for coffee but if you don't it seems to me it might be for the best. Sounds to me as if you've handled this all very well! So sorry you've been through a rough time out-of-work, but it's not the worst thing to happen to a person, imo. Sometimes getting through a tough time and coming out of it can be a very strengthening and confidence-building experience. 1
pasteurization Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 Yes, it seems like you have recovered and are in a great place, and I'd love to hear what happens if and when you have that coffee...
BC1980 Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 We can only speculate on the reason. Probably, he's just wanting some friendly companionship. He just wants the type of relationship where he can see you very occasionally and catch up on life. Sure, he might be looking to get you in a position for a hook up later on. He might just want to make sure you are there in case he wants to resume some type of commitment free relationship in the future. I know you don't want to hear that because you know it's true. You know your feelings were never reciprocated at the same level, and he never valued you in the same way. I'm really sorry for that because we've all been there. Look, you were with this person for 4 years, and he wouldn't commit to you. By your own admission, he fought commitment, and he was a taker. This man has been very clear that he does not want to commit to you. You said he trashed what you gave him. Again, we can only speculate on why he wants to meet with you. There are the same old, tired reason that any ex wants to meet. Everyone wants to think their situation is different, but it's not. The bigger question is: why are you entertaining the idea of meeting him?
Author WhatsWhat Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 No, I don't really think my situation is different, that's why I figured he just wants to make sure we're on friendly terms. It's his MO. I know him that well, that's for sure. It's about what he wants and about how he feels. Hence the text I got from him just now. Friday he had said that it would be nice to meet for coffee. Saturday I responded saying that I got the item he left in my garage and said that I could meet him for a coffee if he liked. Just now he responded with 'Oh good, it would be very nice to be on friendly terms' I'm about to hit send on my reply saying 'I didn't think we were on unfriendly terms' I'm not really sure if I need to meet him for coffee for him to know/think that.
Author WhatsWhat Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 I sent it. Now I'm thinking I should just text him and ask if we really need to meet for coffee for him to know we are on what people like to call friendly terms. I'm on friendly terms with a lot of people but I don't meet them for coffee. I kind of said I would have coffee with him so he wouldn't think I was on bad terms with him, but I really don't want or need to be his friend. I've been civil with him but I'm really not that interested in what he's up to honestly. What he does doesn't have anything to do with me anymore.
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 (edited) Keep us posted, WhatsWhat. You sound pretty healthy with all this. To me, he sounds a little overly interested in your welfare for his overtures to be totally platonic. It's possible he's more interested in you than he realized and it's also possible he misses the ego strokes of having you interested in him. Don't know if it's either of those but something is going on because ordinarily if a guy breaks up with a woman he moves on. This guy doesn't seem to be moving on. Edited June 5, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease 1
pasteurization Posted June 5, 2016 Posted June 5, 2016 I think given his response, you should go ahead and send the text and and tell him that you don't need to meet him to be on "friendly terms". If there is another motive on his part, I'm sure he'll follow up with something more direct, and if not, then maybe he'll get the idea. If he isn't interested in you romantically, knows that you aren't interested in being real friends, and you've already texted that you are not upset and are "friendly", what is the point of all this? He clearly doesn't see that this is disruptive and a strange way to approach things after six months apart. 1
Author WhatsWhat Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 So I got a little more light shed on everything. I was hoping that he had some positive changes with his issues, but I just had a long talk with his mom (we're on good terms and I speak to her the odd time when I know he's not home). There are some issues that are way too involved to get into but basically, he feels that his family has turned against him (he is actually living at his parents place now). They are very justified in the actions they are taking but this has made him feel abandoned by his family. He also has 'buddies' but no real close friend that he can confide in or go to for support. Unfortunately for him though, I am not in the position to give him anything of myself anymore. I did that for too long. So sadly, if he is looking for a friend it can't be me. I feel bad but I can't be that person for him. I may meet him for a coffee to lend an ear but will definitely make it clear that I'm not able to give him anything other than that. I've got my own life to be concerned with. And don't worry, I'm 100% aware now of the difference between genuine care for someone and leaning on someone 2
Author WhatsWhat Posted June 5, 2016 Author Posted June 5, 2016 "If he isn't interested in you romantically, knows that you aren't interested in being real friends, and you've already texted that you are not upset and are "friendly", what is the point of all this? He clearly doesn't see that this is disruptive and a strange way to approach things after six months apart." Exactly, you are right. I'm already tired of the disruption this has brought. I'll keep you all posted. 1
Author WhatsWhat Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 So, a week later and no coffee scheduled His reply to my text saying that I didn't think we were on bad terms was 'Oh, good, I'll go with that' He asked me roughly what my hours were (I just started a new job) and I replied 'It's not roughly, I work 11 to 7' I told him how long it takes me to get home and he said 'Oh, that's much better than before' I said, 'Oh, well yeah, but I was only telling you so you could judge timing' --meaning, I did text that to offer up chatty small talk, it was just information Him--'I know, ok' That was monday and then nothing. So there you go, just as suspected, all he needed was to know that I would meet him for coffee. The End
pasteurization Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 Wow-- I'm so sorry that it was all just a ridiculous bout of insecurity on his part. It is amazing how clueless some people can be about the confusion they sow when reaching out. I'm roughly your age (I'm 52), and it is also interesting how these sorts of romantic issues don't really change even as you get older. I feel like I should be beyond this sort of thing by now, but it often seems just as intense and confusing as it ever has. P
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