Found naked photos on his computer....

[Buddhist]

When I was fed an 'explanation' by my ex, it had more holes than swiss cheese, very similar to the one here. Sure it 'could' happen but common sense tells you the simplest explanation is likely to be the truth.

[Timshel]

What do you mean "if" he is a liar and a cheater ...... "if" it turns out he is a lying d-bag, there is no "if" in this scenario, he IS those things... what are you thinking?

 

He lacks integrity. He lacks honesty. He lacks character. Period the end.

 

It doesn't matter that everyone thought you were a great couple, or that you thought he was "different".

 

None of that matters now.

 

What matters now is that you have discovered he is not who you "thought" he was, and now that you do know, you open your eyes and deal with the reality of the situation, think of yourself and your future children ...... what's in your and their best interests..... and take the appropriate steps to move forward ....ideally without him.

 

Be thankful you found out now rather than after you are married with 2+ kids.

 

You are still very young. Still plenty of time to meet a great guy with integrity and strong character...who doesn't lie and deceive and cheat. Who isn't bi or gay and who is not interested in threesomes or foursomes ....good god.

 

You deserve that and don't ever lose sight of that... ever ever.

 

Katie, lots of projection here.

Slow down...early days for OP, we really don't know much. You know that words typed in the heat of the moment and with confusion are not a sum.

 

OP needs time to pull herself together.

[elaine567]

He has a bad temper and may be dangerous if roused - the OP felt she needed to go to a public space to confront him.. #11

 

He spends money like it is going out of date. Blowing all his income on expensive toys.

 

And now he is sending dickpics to a bi-man under the guise of organising a foursome, which the OP knew nothing about...

 

This is not just a man she is dating casually this is a man who she is supposed to be marrying.

If those are not bright red flags then what are they?

[joseb]

He has a bad temper and may be dangerous if roused - the OP felt she needed to go to a public space to confront him.. #11

 

He spends money like it is going out of date. Blowing all his income on expensive toys.

 

And now he is sending dickpics to a bi-man under the guise of organising a foursome, which the OP knew nothing about...

 

This is not just a man she is dating casually this is a man who she is supposed to be marrying.

If those are not bright red flags then what are they?

 

Yeah I just read that thread too.

 

OP, the universe is sending you a message here.

It tried already with the obvious incompatibility about finances. Really, that would be enough for most people.

 

He has a gun and you are afraid he will use it as he has a temper. That should most definitely be enough. Heard of Oscar Pistorius?

 

And he is at the very very least sneaking around your back, sexting, and far more likely indulging in far more sordid stuff.

 

Seriously, what would it take for you to think no, this guy is a truly terrible match for me ... what the **** was I thinking?

[katiegrl]

Katie, lots of projection here.

Slow down...early days for OP, we really don't know much. You know that words typed in the heat of the moment and with confusion are not a sum.

 

OP needs time to pull herself together.

 

?????

 

Not saying anything everyone else on this thread isn't saying.... six pages worth ....but I am projecting and need to slow down?

 

Okay...

Edited June 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[Emilia]

Do true, loving, happy relationships ever happen anymore?? From everything I've ever witnessed, the answer is no. I don't have a single girlfriend who's had a happy ending. Granted, I'm still pretty young (late 20s), but is it even worth trying? Hell, even my father cheated on my mom after 20 years of marriage. I want to believe that love, honesty, faith, good people still exist out there somewhere, but that just sounds naive.

They do exist but I think you are too easily fooled by men. Buddhist's post is a good one and I also looked at your previous thread on your fiancee's finances. I think you are a little naive.

[tinkerbell16]

When I was fed an 'explanation' by my ex, it had more holes than swiss cheese, very similar to the one here. Sure it 'could' happen but common sense tells you the simplest explanation is likely to be the truth.

 

Yup, when someone shows you who they are believe them. OP RUN dear just RUN. Late 20s... geesh you are so young... I was 43 when my ex showed me who he really was. You have nothing to lose and soooo much to gain. Run.

[hippychick3]

OP, you're so young. If you leave him, I promise you that down the road you will not regret leaving. If you stay, I promise you that you will regret staying.

[xxoo]

You need to leave him because you can't trust him: with money, with your body, with your life. The biggest issue is the one not being discussed. You were afraid he might kill you. That is NOT normal. Listen to your gut. It is screaming at you, trying to protect you.

 

Abusers often are very charming, until they aren't.

[Gaeta]

If she stays he will only lose more respect for her and the shenanigan will continue and get worse. She is afraid of him and she takes it and stays, he is an irresponsible child with money and she takes it and stays, now he lies, cheats, deceits, and she again stays.....The man has no respect what so ever for her any longer.

 

OP I have been in your situation. I can assure you what you have found is only the tip of the iceberg. You don't get up one morning and make a C list add and send nude pictures of your D. He has been doing that progressively, he started that a long time ago and I can assure you your entire relationship was based on a lie.

[Cherryz]

Thats messy.

 

Much more if he made those naked picture and send it to another person.

 

If you found this map, why would you logoff in panic?

Shouldn't you be going true the whole computer and internet history to see who, what you dealing with?

 

That you not married with him yet is good.

And that you found out this is because you should know it now!!

So deal with it, confront him, give him chance to explain, if it sound bs to you, interrogate him about who where why and tell him to stop and the consequences for if he continue.

And keep a eye on him if you choose to stay with him. Once in a while look true his computer and phone out of the blue.

 

If he keeps messing around, break up, move on.

Know that marriage wont solve your issues.

So if there is things going on you should solve and go hard on them now.

If he not worth it, so be it.

 

But sure dont marry him by now.

[Cherryz]

If there was picture yours in this map, i would say break up.

Much more if comes out that he have been sending yours to others.

He shouldn't be adding you in his mess.

 

It doesn't sound like he worry about protecting you. And your safety.

 

Sounding to good to be true is often a creep!!!!

[Gaeta]

you, interrogate him about who where why and tell him to stop and the consequences for if he continue.

And keep a eye on him if you choose to stay with him. Once in a while look true his computer and phone out of the blue.

 

That's a mother-child relationship. What kind of happiness can you find in a relationship where you have to police your partner. He broke the seal of trust, he's out. He's not a husband or the father of her children, he's a boyfriend and a bad one. - OUT.

[tinkerbell16]

If there was picture yours in this map, i would say break up.

Much more if comes out that he have been sending yours to others.

He shouldn't be adding you in his mess.

 

It doesn't sound like he worry about protecting you. And your safety.

 

Sounding to good to be true is often a creep!!!!

 

OP you have no idea if he has been taking other photos/video of you and using them for whatever. I have heard of this happening. Nightmare. You re not safe with him.

[KatZee]

I'm pretty sure it's situations like this that account for the divorce rate being so high. People stay with bad people because of "love" or "obligation."

 

There is no one on this planet you should love this much except yourself.

 

There is literally not one excuse you could give me, or justification, as to why you need to be staying with this person.

 

There are so many problems with his whole story.

 

1. He was setting up a 4-some? At what point was he even going to tell you? Based on this thread, it doesn't even seem like you knew he was bi-sexual! How can you possibly want to start a marriage with a person you obviously don't really know? Did you guys ever discuss 4-some fantasies??? Why is he even trying to dictate your sex life?

 

2. He was sending other women's pictures to some random couple from Craigslist pretending it was you? You said these were not porn quality pictures. For all we know he was soliciting pics from people in every day life! Where did those even come from?!

 

3. When you went on his computer to attach a file, THE MOST RECENT ITEMS popped up. The way he's phrasing his excuse makes it sound like this all went down those months ago, other couple was weird, and he ended it. NO! If these pictures were in the "most recent" section, that means it's recent!!!

 

Now lets get down to basic problems with this guy:

 

1. Liar

2. Sneaky

3. Irresponsible with money

4. Horrible temper to where you fear your safety (just a note: this WILL eventually be taken out on you. you're just not at that point yet.)

 

I get it. You have an apartment, you have shared furniture, but if this is ALL you have, count your blessings and praise Jesus, because this is nothing. These are THINGS.

 

You are not locked into a marital contract with him, you don't have kids together, you don't have joint bank accounts, your lives really AREN'T as entwined as you want to think they are.

 

The only things, and I mean ONLY THINGS, keeping you with this guy, are your sense of loyalty, the love you have for him, obligation to want to fight for someone you love, your ego, and your fear of being alone and never finding a "good man." None of these justify staying with him.

 

Maybe he is good, and kind, and an OK dude on certain levels, but he is NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL in any way, shape, or form. I guarantee you, if you stay with him, these situations will pop up time and time again, and you WILL wind up divorcing him, at that point, royally screwing yourself because now you're dealing with joint money, lawyer fees, possible kids, child support, and whatever else. You think you're in trouble now? Stay with him and see how bad it's gonna get.

 

At the very LEAST, call off this engagement. Stop the planning. See if you can remain with him without always being on edge, paranoid, distrustful of him.

 

I mean, I get it. I know how hard it is to leave someone you love. My ex pulled so much sh*t with me. You can't even imagine the stuff he did, said, the way he behaved, and how he cheated on me.

 

I stayed. Like an a-hole.

 

For all his "i'm so sorry, I hate myself, I can't believe I'd do something so stupid" ?? He did it AGAIN.

 

Liars like this are just liars. They are cowards, they don't know how to be upfront with things. They hide, they sneak, and the snowball goes down that hill and gets larger and larger. You can't trust people like this

 

I stayed with him out of love, and it destroyed me. I was angry 24/7. Furious. I was always on edge. If his phone made noise, I'd basically strain to the point of ripping my eyeball out of its socket to see who it was. There was no trust for him. I was so paranoid, always looking for something, waiting for something. I just couldn't be happy with him after I found the things I found.

 

Once you destroy trust like this, there really is no going back, and the ONLY people I'd advise even WORKING ON IT with, is someone you're already married to, have kids with, and someone you have a very intertwined life with. You don't fall into any of these categories.

 

You know that phrase, bullet dodged? This applies to you. There was a very real reason why fate had you on his computer and that nonsense popped up in your face. PAY ATTENTION.

Edited June 4, 2016 by KatZee

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm pretty sure it's situations like this that account for the divorce rate being so high. People stay with bad people because of "love" or "obligation."

 

There is no one on this planet you should love this much except yourself.

 

There is literally not one excuse you could give me, or justification, as to why you need to be staying with this person.

 

There are so many problems with his whole story.

 

1. He was setting up a 4-some? At what point was he even going to tell you? Based on this thread, it doesn't even seem like you knew he was bi-sexual! How can you possibly want to start a marriage with a person you obviously don't really know? Did you guys ever discuss 4-some fantasies??? Why is he even trying to dictate your sex life?

 

2. He was sending other women's pictures to some random couple from Craigslist pretending it was you? You said these were not porn quality pictures. For all we know he was soliciting pics from people in every day life! Where did those even come from?!

 

3. When you went on his computer to attach a file, THE MOST RECENT ITEMS popped up. The way he's phrasing his excuse makes it sound like this all went down those months ago, other couple was weird, and he ended it. NO! If these pictures were in the "most recent" section, that means it's recent!!!

 

Now lets get down to basic problems with this guy:

 

1. Liar

2. Sneaky

3. Irresponsible with money

4. Horrible temper to where you fear your safety (just a note: this WILL eventually be taken out on you. you're just not at that point yet.)

 

I get it. You have an apartment, you have shared furniture, but if this is ALL you have, count your blessings and praise Jesus, because this is nothing. These are THINGS.

 

You are not locked into a marital contract with him, you don't have kids together, you don't have joint bank accounts, your lives really AREN'T as entwined as you want to think they are.

 

The only things, and I mean ONLY THINGS, keeping you with this guy, are your sense of loyalty, the love you have for him, obligation to want to fight for someone you love, your ego, and your fear of being alone and never finding a "good man." None of these justify staying with him.

 

Maybe he is good, and kind, and an OK dude on certain levels, but he is NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL in any way, shape, or form. I guarantee you, if you stay with him, these situations will pop up time and time again, and you WILL wind up divorcing him, at that point, royally screwing yourself because now you're dealing with joint money, lawyer fees, possible kids, child support, and whatever else. You think you're in trouble now? Stay with him and see how bad it's gonna get.

 

At the very LEAST, call off this engagement. Stop the planning. See if you can remain with him without always being on edge, paranoid, distrustful of him.

 

I mean, I get it. I know how hard it is to leave someone you love. My ex pulled so much sh*t with me. You can't even imagine the stuff he did, said, the way he behaved, and how he cheated on me.

 

I stayed. Like an a-hole.

 

For all his "i'm so sorry, I hate myself, I can't believe I'd do something so stupid" ?? He did it AGAIN.

 

Liars like this are just liars. They are cowards, they don't know how to be upfront with things. They hide, they sneak, and the snowball goes down that hill and gets larger and larger. You can't trust people like this

 

I stayed with him out of love, and it destroyed me. I was angry 24/7. Furious. I was always on edge. If his phone made noise, I'd basically strain to the point of ripping my eyeball out of its socket to see who it was. There was no trust for him. I was so paranoid, always looking for something, waiting for something. I just couldn't be happy with him after I found the things I found.

 

Once you destroy trust like this, there really is no going back, and the ONLY people I'd advise even WORKING ON IT with, is someone you're already married to, have kids with, and someone you have a very intertwined life with. You don't fall into any of these categories.

 

You know that phrase, bullet dodged? This applies to you. There was a very real reason why fate had you on his computer and that nonsense popped up in your face. PAY ATTENTION.

 

There are people who walk away after 20-30-40+ years of this crap. They don't regret leaving. They regret NOT HAVING LEFT SOONER.

 

I've been married ten years. (Two kids). I was scared to walk after 4 years and one kid on the way.

 

To be honest, I SHOULD HAVE. it may sound strange NOW because I am still here, but that cajevat a high cost of completely reasserting my boundaries and fully knowing the risks of doing so. My husband and I are in weekly MC and he is seeing an addictions counselor weekly. For similar behaviours to what your fiancee is doing.

 

Had I caught my husband before I was pregnant I KNOW I would have walked out. Even having been married a fee years, house car, history together. You can replace 3-4 years with someone. Especially at your age that is VERY likely to happen.

 

Had I left when I was pregnant, I would have recovered much sooner, raised my daughter singly with stringent boundaries and not reinvested in years of lies and abuse before finally kicking him out until he PROVED he was actually improving. And then reinvesting in a still risky venture.

 

It's a completely different ballgame when you have two little kids and one is super- attached to Daddy.

 

The only issue I would have with leaving now is the pain and instability it would cause my daughter. (My son is an infant). And that's significant, but I still have ZERO tolerance for if he wants to put me through any more garbage. And he knows it. In fact, he respects it.

 

Right now, you will look back on this in a more established relationship and wonder why the hell you hesitated to leave in the first place.

[xra]

Thanks so much for the feedback and support, everyone. I never expected to get so many responses, and it means a lot to read such encouraging posts. I've read every word you wrote, and I agree with everything that's been said. I know I'm not the only one who's gotten into crap like this, and it's not even close to as bad as it could be - as you all said, we're not married yet, have no kids, etc. But I do feel like my world just fell apart.

 

I agree with some posters that this is the end of the line....but it is my opinion.

 

OP has to make her own conclusion and it needs to be from her own heart and she needs to feel strong about it.

 

So xra went and stepped in a hill of cr*p.

Sweetie, clear your head, take a minute and be still.

All of the answers are in the quiet and calm..they always have been.

 

So again, are you able to take some time away and let yourself/mind/soul center?

Whatever you choose to do has to be your own, otherwise it won't settle.

 

This is great advice, thank you. I do feel like I need to just take some time and think things over, and decide how to proceed. I know there are really only two choices - close my eyes to the glaring red flags/obvious lies and stay together (hoping that this is a terrible one-off mistake, that he's still the man I thought he was, etc etc.) or start packing up my things. There's never a good time to step in crap, but this is really terrible timing - I have to start a new job on Monday, have a VERY important career-determining exam in two weeks, and we just sent out wedding save-the-dates two days ago. How funny. Anyways, I need to try and get my head straight and focus on my career, or I will blow everything.

 

I left the house last night to go talk things over with a good friend, while he stayed at home. I thought about staying over at the friend's house, but then decided to come back home for some reason. When I got back, I told him to go spend the night somewhere else. After he left, I looked at his most recent browser history. Looks like while I was gone, he spent the 5 hours drinking (many empty beer bottles all around), listening to Damien Rice songs about cheating and mistakes, looking at my FB photos, and looking up wedding bands (wtf?).

 

KatZee, your last post really resonated with me. I do believe in fate to a certain extent, and maybe that is the reason these images popped up when I tried to use the computer. I know that if I tell my closest friends about it, the ones who know him, no one would even believe that this happened. That's what makes it so hard, I think - it's completely out of left field. I always thought we were both so happy, and there were NO indications that he was discontented or thinking about cheating.

 

Several people pointed out that he could be a psychopath. I spend a few years working in psychiatric research with psychopaths, and I'm trained to diagnose the condition. I don't THINK he is one, but I know how glib and manipulative those people are. If he truly is one, I would never know it until it is too late.

[ChickiePops]

Xra, I have been through almost this exact same situation. In my case, a porn site popped up..he wasn't home at the time so I texted and asked him about it and he wrote back and said it was spam, but something about the tone of the text set off red flags, so I dug in and looked at his emails. Turns out he had posted on CL a few times claiming to be a masseur and looking for women (only women) near us. I found a couple of replies in his email (which he had left open). He didn't appear to have actually met up with any of them..it looked like he chickened out..but who knows?

 

I emailed him the link and I waited for him to get home (we lived together). He was panicking and didn't want to come home but of course he had to eventually. He was humiliated and he hated himself too. He's a really manly type but he cried. He emailed all of the replies (in front of me) and told them that he had a girlfriend..a few wrote back and called him names. He said he had never planned on meeting up with anyone..that he just needed the ego boost. He felt terrible.

 

That night he slept on the couch but I couldn't sleep so I woke him up in the middle of the night and made him comfort me while I cried. It was awful.

 

We really tried to make it work. I was allowed to ask anything I wanted any time. I had full access to him computer, phone, etc and I could use them any time I wanted..etc etc etc.

 

A few months later I found a message that he sent to an ex via Facebook (which he had given me access to himself!) that had some truly inappropriate things in it. She hadn't replied but it didn't matter. I moved out the next week.

 

The moral of the story is that if you let him get away with this, he will get bolder and bolder and eventually he WILL cheat.

 

Also any man who you think might shoot you is not marriage material...

[jen1447]

I assume he's onto your surveillance methods now so he probably deliberately browsed what he wanted you to see him browsing while you were gone. But that's neither here nor there at this point I suppose.

 

I get that this is hard to wrap your mind around in a short time and start doing-doing-doing, and also the complications of work and school. So given that I'd suggest a partial measure in the short term, which would be calling off the wedding/engagement and separating. That way you can postpone all the more heavy stuff until later when you've had more time to process it all and outside pressures aren't as big.

 

But if you go that route, you have to be careful to guard against complacency, and also don't let him 'work' you - a slow and methodical effort to push the implausible into plausibility and get you to lower your walls can result in you going "eh he's maybe not so bad" eventually, so don't let that happen. The last thing you want is to wake up 5 years from now and realize you never pulled the trigger and you were right about him.

 

btw I'll back up what was said about this emboldening him if he manages to get away with it - the way that usually works is they think "ok now I've got that angle figured out and I know how to get around it," not "I'll turn over a new leaf and change my ways."

[BaileyB]

I like the idea of taking a break, to give you some separation and some time to work through things. I think you must still be in shock of your discovery, and it's never good to make life decisions in these moments.

 

But, I am very concerned about the red flags here and do not think they should be ignored. The fact that he was soliciting sex without your knowledge and consent is disturbing. And, the fact that he has a gun in the house and you are concerned about his anger is frightening for me. For these two reasons, I would leave the situation and to be honest, it would be enough for me to end the relationship. But, that's easy to say when you are not in the situation. I wish you all the best in dealing with this.

[Mittens]

That' swell.........

 

Being bisexual is not a free card to cheat. You pick your lover whether it's female or male and you engage in a monogamous relationship.

 

This. My fiance is bisexual, we've been together nearly 7 years and he would be out on his ear if he cheated. Just because he might be sexually attracted to men as well as women doesn't mean he has to act on it.

 

Cheating is cheating.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks so much for the feedback and support, everyone. I never expected to get so many responses, and it means a lot to read such encouraging posts. I've read every word you wrote, and I agree with everything that's been said. I know I'm not the only one who's gotten into crap like this, and it's not even close to as bad as it could be - as you all said, we're not married yet, have no kids, etc. But I do feel like my world just fell apart.

 

Of course it feels that way, because he was such a significant part of your world. And when you are young, you tend to invest more heavily. Although I am making myself sound ancient: I'm 33.

 

But it took me awhile to realize that your world DOES fall apart periodically throughout life. You get cancer, or your partner does. A parent dies. You overestimate your financials and go bankrupt. You get laid off. You get fired for political reasons. You get blindsided in a relationship and divorce. You lose your home to a fire or a flood. You miscarry. Your child gets a bad diagnosis, or dies suddenly.

 

Etc etc etc.

 

It's not possible to predict everything. But most lives meander off of the ideal somehow. And people can REALLY suck sometimes.

 

We need to learn to let go of what isn't working, even if we have invested emotionally for a long time. Some people just don't respect that. Some people are just 110% manipulative. Anyone who lives today must prepare emotionally / physically / financially to have their world fall apart. And still that's no guarantee. Even our brains can fail eventually. It just happen to be the way things are.

 

It sounds kind of depressing, but truly, life is amazing and the more we experience, the more we are grateful for and have the capacity for joy.

 

Several people pointed out that he could be a psychopath. I spend a few years working in psychiatric research with psychopaths, and I'm trained to diagnose the condition. I don't THINK he is one, but I know how glib and manipulative those people are. If he truly is one, I would never know it until it is too late.

 

I doubt he's a psychopath. He's probably just immature as all Hell I think poor coping skills and boundaries.

 

Because he's immature DOES NOT mean you should 'wait' for him to grow up. Immaturity of this nature can last a lifetime if he's not willing to work on himself. And please, at this stage, don't stick around for the "oh I've changed" dance. He will probably say it after a few weeks / months. No way. There's no way without intense self-work that is VERIFIABLE. And frankly, the trust will likely never return, partially because of the stage your relationship is at. He really screwed this one. Like fully / completely.

[katiegrl]

xra, IF, after taking some time to think things through, you choose to stay and attempt to work this out, at the very least, get couples counseling, which I recommend anyway to all engaged couples prior to marriage.

 

Please please please.

 

You will learn so much about yourself, him and how you relate as a couple.

 

There is a reason he went behind your back to do this instead of discussing with you beforehand.

 

Why? Many couples engage in threesomes, and foursomes, or whatever other kinky inclinations strike their fancy, but they are open about it and DISCUSS

 

Or if he is straight out soliciting other women....again why? Is he just a d-bag? A lying sociopath?

 

Something else? You need to find out, again should you choose to stay.

 

It is not enough that he feels remorse and promises never again, you both need to dig deeper and determine why he started engaging in this crap in the first place!

 

Otherwise, the behavior will continue and nothing really gets resolved and will most likely escalate.

 

A good qualified couples counselor can help you both work through this.......

 

Again, assuming you choose to stay, which I hope you don't, but have a feeling you will.

 

Best of luck hun......I hope it all works out the way you hope it will.

 

hugs

Edited June 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[dreamingoftigers]

And DO NOT let him blameshift to you AT ALL.

 

Don't let him give you some sobby "I couldn't tell you the truth because who knows how you would react etc." Please. He's an "adult."

 

This was 110% his choice and I don't believe for one second that it was just some email exploration 'months ago, one time.' No. Not for one second.

[katiegrl]

And DO NOT let him blameshift to you AT ALL.

 

Don't let him give you some sobby "I couldn't tell you the truth because who knows how you would react etc." Please. He's an "adult."

 

This was 110% his choice and I don't believe for one second that it was just some email exploration 'months ago, one time.' No. Not for one second.

 

A good counselor will see through that crap in two seconds!

 

That is why they need a third party to serve as sort of a mediator and guide them as they discuss and attempt to work through this .... if this is even possible . IF she chooses to stay.....

 

HE needs to take full responsibility, and if he cannot or won't, then that right there gives you more information to make a responsible rational decision as to whether or not you wish to build a life with this person, as a husband and father to your children...

 

I would not, but of course this is your life, and no matter what anyone else says, people ultimately do what *they* want to do anyway....

 

If I have learned anything from being on this forum, it's that.....