xra Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 It's a story so classic, I'm almost laughing at myself. Well I'd be laughing if I wasn't so shocked and upset... We've been dating for 3.5 years now, and got engaged last year. The wedding is a year away. We met online, and he's been the perfect gentleman from the start...Raised in the South, served in the military, very polite and intelligent. He told me that he loved me first, and we moved in together after a year of dating. We have plans for the future - finishing our grad schools, he's excited to have kids in a few years, etc etc. He never gave me any indications of having a wandering eye - we spend pretty much every weekend together, go on vacations, have random silly fun, etc. Today, I needed to use his computer to send a file to myself, as my computer is broken. You know how when you're trying to add an attachment to an email, the first folder that pops up is the one that was most recently used? So all of a sudden, I'm looking at a folder of about 12 photos. Three of them are naked women (no faces visible), posing on their beds. The photos are not professional porn quality, they definitely look like classic sexting shots. Then there were several photos of him fully naked, his behind, flexing in the mirror, etc. There were also several photos of his erect junk, with a handwritten note in one of the photos indicating the city where we live, the date (two months ago), and calling himself 'stud'. It's a classic stamp that's is used on websites like Craigslist to prove that you're local and real. Weirdly, there were also two photos of ME in there - fully clothed with face clearly visible, and three recent photos of me and him together (from Facebook). The folder was hidden in the settings and labeled 'X', the only reason I even saw it was because it came up in the attachments. I never would have seen it otherwise. I feel sick to my stomach. I do not know what to do now. I know I have to talk to him about this, but what after that? I'm assuming that he will just say that it was innocent online chatting or such. I never, ever in my life would have expected something like this from him. I personally do NOT sext and never have, and he never sends me naked photos of himself. So these were never meant for me. We have a life together, he tells me that he loves me multiple times a day, we have great sex, etc etc. He proposed by asking my father for permission, and saved up for several months to afford the ring... I always thought he's almost too good to be true, and looks like that might literally be the case. I think his sex drive is a little higher than mine, so there are times when he just watches porn and takes care of his own business alone - which I'm fine with. However, sending photos of himself to people online, and receiving their photos, is definitely cheating in my eyes. And he knows, or he wouldn't have hidden the folder so well. And who knows, maybe he's met up with people in person, considering the local timestamp in the photo?? I'm in a panic, please help. 1
Art_Critic Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Well... if you can eliminate these photos as being before you guys dated and are not from some porn website then you flat out call him out... The reason I say eliminate is that just because a file says today's date on it doesn't mean it was created today or even sent today.. it can mean it was just saved today... if the file has any EXIF data then look at that... So in closing.. if you can nail him, by all means nail him.... 5
SoulCat Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Do a 'reverse image search'. If you don't know how, just google it. Google has a step by step guide on how to do it. You'll be able to determine if and when these images were used elsewhere, e.g before you got together or after. Or indeed, both. Good luck. 4
Author xra Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 Well... if you can eliminate these photos as being before you guys dated and are not from some porn website then you flat out call him out... The reason I say eliminate is that just because a file says today's date on it doesn't mean it was created today or even sent today.. it can mean it was just saved today... if the file has any EXIF data then look at that... So in closing.. if you can nail him, by all means nail him.... The photos were created in March and February of this year. Also, one of the photos has his handwritten timestamp IN the actual photo, dating to March 2016. These were definitely recent. Nail him, and then what?? 1
Author xra Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 It's a story so classic, I'm almost laughing at myself. Well I'd be laughing if I wasn't so shocked and upset... We've been dating for 3.5 years now, and got engaged last year. The wedding is a year away. We met online, and he's been the perfect gentleman from the start...Raised in the South, served in the military, very polite and intelligent. He told me that he loved me first, and we moved in together after a year of dating. We have plans for the future - finishing our grad schools, he's excited to have kids in a few years, etc etc. He never gave me any indications of having a wandering eye - we spend pretty much every weekend together, go on vacations, have random silly fun, etc. Today, I needed to use his computer to send a file to myself, as my computer is broken. You know how when you're trying to add an attachment to an email, the first folder that pops up is the one that was most recently used? So all of a sudden, I'm looking at a folder of about 12 photos. Three of them are naked women (no faces visible), posing on their beds. The photos are not professional porn quality, they definitely look like classic sexting shots. Then there were several photos of him fully naked, his behind, flexing in the mirror, etc. There were also several photos of his erect junk, with a handwritten note in one of the photos indicating the city where we live, the date (two months ago), and calling himself 'stud'. It's a classic stamp that's is used on websites like Craigslist to prove that you're local and real. Weirdly, there were also two photos of ME in there - fully clothed with face clearly visible, and three recent photos of me and him together (from Facebook). The folder was hidden in the settings and labeled 'X', the only reason I even saw it was because it came up in the attachments. I never would have seen it otherwise. I feel sick to my stomach. I do not know what to do now. I know I have to talk to him about this, but what after that? I'm assuming that he will just say that it was innocent online chatting or such. I never, ever in my life would have expected something like this from him. I personally do NOT sext and never have, and he never sends me naked photos of himself. So these were never meant for me. We have a life together, he tells me that he loves me multiple times a day, we have great sex, etc etc. He proposed by asking my father for permission, and saved up for several months to afford the ring... I always thought he's almost too good to be true, and looks like that might literally be the case. I think his sex drive is a little higher than mine, so there are times when he just watches porn and takes care of his own business alone - which I'm fine with. However, sending photos of himself to people online, and receiving their photos, is definitely cheating in my eyes. And he knows, or he wouldn't have hidden the folder so well. And who knows, maybe he's met up with people in person, considering the local timestamp in the photo?? I'm in a panic, please help. Edit: the photos were taken two months ago, as indicated by the handwritten timestamp and the file properties. They are recent, not from years ago or whatever. 1
jen1447 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 IMO this is 'big' and can't be explained away either as innocent or as negligible (bc major lying/deception), so ....I think your only answer here is it's over. Sorry. (Be glad you found out now and not after you got married.) 7
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 (edited) First I'm sorry for what you're going through, sincerely. Second, you should panic. Having done the rounds on various forums including sex forums and sites, I can't even begin to tell you how many men live a sort of double life thanks to technology and how easy and accessible sex is. Even if he's not meeting up with these women, he's clearly engaging with them sexually through text and picture exchanges. Is one better than the other? In my book, absolutely not. Unfortunately, this isn't as uncommon as you might think. Even the most seemingly happy men (and women) end up here for one reason or another. It's a slippery slope down the rabbit hole once you start. The sad and very real truth here is that even if you confront him about this, he apologizes and makes all sorts of promises and you decide to stay together, you will NEVER truly know if he's done with his shenanigans. I mean, if things are considerably good in your relationship now and he's having to interact sexually with strange women on online, I can't imagine what he'll be up to when you're married for 10 years and hit a rough patch, which is inevitable. Trust is HUGE in any kind of relationship and once it's broken, it's damn hard to repair particularly when betrayal is involved. Even if you can forgive him, you'll never forget what he's done and will likely be paranoid from here on out. I for one could not live like that. The part that disturbs me the most is him using pictures of you!! He wants to be a complete douche and advertise his junk around town, fine, but it's another thing to unknowingly involve YOU in his web of lies and deceit. That is seriously F*CKED UP! I would kick his ass out the door just on that alone. Hard decisions ahead of you OP. When it comes to these types of situations I'm much more tough than love and I wouldn't spend one more moment with anyone who behaved this way. Period. Good luck to you. Edited June 3, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle 16
Satu Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 (edited) Sorry that you are having to go through this. Make a copy of those photos, because he will delete them the minute you mention them. You'd be very foolish to marry him now. He's not husband material. Not at all. Sorry. Take care. Edited June 3, 2016 by Satu 4
SugarLips72 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I wanted to say Good luck and let us know what happens after you confront him. Reverse image search is a good idea and it may not be a bad idea to check the Casual Encounters section on CL or backpage to see if he is on there. This is not looking good. He took those photos for a reason. Makes me wonder if he is on Adult Friend Finder too, but that is a paid subscription. 2
BikerAccnt Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I have to agree with the Ladies here. This was a major breach in trust. And trust is hard to come by, and even harder to re-gain when lost. Seriously, if it was porn, I'd say give the guy a break. But exchanging nude selfies with another woman, nah, that's just wrong based on what you say of your relationship. I'd find it near impossible to trust them again. There are some lines you know better than to cross, and I'm sure he knew this was one of those lines. And he crossed it anyway. 6
Author xra Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 Another terrifying thought I just had... He has a very even temper, but when he loses it - he really LOSES it. He's never once got angry at me in that way, but I don't know if that might happen when I confront him. He has a handgun that he keeps in his dresser, and he is an expert shot (military training, yada yada). Should I confront him somewhere in public, away from his weapon? In case things really go south?? 2
Satu Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Another terrifying thought I just had... He has a very even temper, but when he loses it - he really LOSES it. He's never once got angry at me in that way, but I don't know if that might happen when I confront him. He has a handgun that he keeps in his dresser, and he is an expert shot (military training, yada yada). Should I confront him somewhere in public, away from his weapon? In case things really go south?? Do it in whatever way will make you feel safe. I also think that you should tell someone you trust what has happened, and that you intend to confront him, including the where and when. If it would make you feel safer, have that trusted person nearby. I really feel for you. This is a horrible situation. 8
ExpatInItaly Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I'm so sorry to hear this, OP. I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. I would follow Satu's advice and confront in whatever manner makes you feel safe. I would also not be shocked if there's a lot more to this story than you know at the moment. You have found clear evidence that he is deceptive and not the man you thought he was. There is no guarantee that his activities go beyond the photos, but I strongly suspect it does. Try to think back over the last few months. Were there any hints of odd behaviour, on his part? Personally, I would not be able to get past the photos, even if that is truly the extent of it. He has been soliciting inappropriate photos and distributing his own while acting like a good boyfriend to your face. This would tell me he is capable of lying to me in a major way, which for me is a dealbreaker. Please keep us updated, and stay safe. 3
elaine567 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Do you actually need to confront him with this? Maybe you just need to say, this isn't working for you and that you need to split up. 6
CarrieT Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 As well as ending the relationship (obviously), OP, you need to get checked for STDs immediately... 6
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 You don't need to confront him. What could he possibly say to defend himself? Is he living at your place or it's you living at his place? Have the locks changed, put his things out the door with an envelop in which you will put all of those pictures and a note he can send a friend or family to get the rest of his things. Use a 3rd party to solve matters between you 2. He'd never hear the sound of my voice ever again. 3
Author xra Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 You don't need to confront him. What could he possibly say to defend himself? Is he living at your place or it's you living at his place? Have the locks changed, put his things out the door with an envelop in which you will put all of those pictures and a note he can send a friend or family to get the rest of his things. Use a 3rd party to solve matters between you 2. He'd never hear the sound of my voice ever again. I mean, this sounds great and all, but we literally have built a life together. We are leasing an apartment in both of our names, bought all the furniture together, all our friends and relatives know each other, etc. It's not as easy as locking him out and saying 'FU, have a nice life'. Also, I f***ing love him. 1
SugarLips72 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 You have a lot invested in this relationship. I would not just end it for no reason and not tell hijm. I think you should be non confrontational and ask him about the pictures and give him a chance to explain. I would do this in public for sure. Meet him for lunch of coffee and flat out ask him about the pictures and who he sent them too.
Tayla Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Share with him the story that you conveyed here. With hold making assumptions. Keep an open mind. I recall an incident in which I was confronted, and the person made assumptions based on some "proof". I absolutely acknowledged to them , that, wow! I can see how you concluded that! Then I shared with them the factual info that they had graciously filled incorrectly to support their side. Til things were said and done and my facts were verified.. This person felt sincerely remorseful. I learned a lot that day... Particularly how a small bit of information can spin out of control. Sometimes one piece of information can change things. I sincerely hope you both can remedy this , maybe you both can resolve this and move forward on being honest with one another.
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I mean, this sounds great and all, but we literally have built a life together. We are leasing an apartment in both of our names, bought all the furniture together, all our friends and relatives know each other, etc. It's not as easy as locking him out and saying 'FU, have a nice life'. Also, I f***ing love him. Hon, you have minimal with him. Every day people that have been married for years with common properties and children do divorce. It's not because it's complicated to undo that you don't undo it. You F** loving him is not a reason either to stay in a relationship where you were betrayed, lied to, and where your health may have been put in jeopardy. He F you big time so love has nothing to do in this. 5
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I mean, this sounds great and all, but we literally have built a life together. We are leasing an apartment in both of our names, bought all the furniture together, all our friends and relatives know each other, etc. It's not as easy as locking him out and saying 'FU, have a nice life'. Also, I f***ing love him. What do you want to do? Of course YOU love him! No one questions that at all. The real question you need to ask yourself is does HE love you? Because anyone who sincerely and deeply loves their partner would never risk what they've built together for a cheap piece of ass. Trust what I'm telling you. I've met these men. I've interviewed these men, picked their brains to figure why they do what they do and all I have to say is they are diabolical! Do you understand what that means? This isn't just porn on a computer hun. These are REAL women he's interacting with. And let's not forget that he involved you by posting your picture. If I was a betting woman, I'd push in all my chips and say that whatever profile he's created or spiel he's giving to these ladies he's telling them he's in an 'open relationship' with you. Helps ease the guilt for some guys. I've seen it a million times. 8
xxoo Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 How devastating And the fact that you have concerns about confronting him when alone (listen to your gut!!) is another reason that you need to leave him. I'm really sorry. You aren't safe with him. That's even worse than the cheating and the lies 6
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I read your last thread. You are both living on student loans and he is an irresponsible child spending money on cars, motorcycles and 5K bicycle. Seems to me it's a win-win situation for you if you dump him. 7
SammySammy Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I mean, this sounds great and all, but we literally have built a life together. We are leasing an apartment in both of our names, bought all the furniture together, all our friends and relatives know each other, etc. It's not as easy as locking him out and saying 'FU, have a nice life'. Also, I f***ing love him. Is talking to him and possibly working it out an option? Some marriages have survived far worse. It won't be easy and it may take some time, but maybe your relationship is worth saving. 1
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