katiegrl Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 (edited) OP do you think he may have some sort of a sex addiction? That would be my best guess. There is help for that, so I vote for talk to him. Normally I am huge advocate of dump, but this is a LTR and you are engaged. I went through the same thing last December except my fiance's addiction was meth and coke. I DID talk to him and we tried to work it out. He made all sorts of promises to me that he would go to rehab, kick it, the whole bit. Then I discovered he was still using so he LIED. So that was it for me, I ended it. Trust was gone. We were together six years and I was devastated. So in your case, before just packing your bags, talk to him and tell him what you have discovered. IF he does have a sex addiction then as I said there IS help for that. It's up to HIM. It's his choice. I don't agree he doesn't love you, I have learned a lot about addiction since ending my RL and it has nothing to do with their partner, how much they do or don't love their partners, it's all about them and what's happening within them. If he agrees to counseling or whatevs, then I say give him a chance to prove to you he is man you can trust and grow old with. That trust will take time so be patient. Keep your eyes wide open and INSIST on accountability. If he becomes overly defensive or tries to flip the script accusing you of being psycho or whatevs then end it. But give him a chance to explain. After 3.5 years and being you are engaged, IMO he deserves that much at least. Good luck and keep us posted. Pulling for ya.... fingers crossed you guys can work this out. Hugs. Edited June 3, 2016 by katiegrl
elaine567 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I read your last thread. You are both living on student loans and he is an irresponsible child spending money on cars, motorcycles and 5K bicycle. Seems to me it's a win-win situation for you if you dump him. Oh dear, is this the same guy...?? He is NOT in any shape or form marriage material. RUN 3
elaine567 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 How devastating And the fact that you have concerns about confronting him when alone (listen to your gut!!) is another reason that you need to leave him. I'm really sorry. You aren't safe with him. That's even worse than the cheating and the lies Anyone who you think could be dangerous to you if you cross him is NOT someone you need to get closely involved with. It just gets better and better... 1
katiegrl Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Oh dear, is this the same guy...?? He is NOT in any shape or form marriage material. RUN Hmmm... well it appears there is a rather unsavory history here.... Might have to go back and read previous threads. So unfortunate. One question I always ask myself, even still, six months later is.... WHY? He has a woman a woman who loves him, whom I presume HE loves in return, they've built a life, long term RL, engaged to spend the rest of their lives together --- WHY!!! Why do people do this to each other??? So stupid! 1
Satu Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 The phrase, "A high tolerance of inappropriate behaviour," comes to mind... And with that, I'll eject from this thread, having said my piece. Take care, OP. 4
OnlyHonesty Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 There is no need to confront him, you just need to leave him and cut all ties.
OnlyHonesty Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 You have a lot invested in this relationship. I would not just end it for no reason and not tell hijm. I think you should be non confrontational and ask him about the pictures and give him a chance to explain. I would do this in public for sure. Meet him for lunch of coffee and flat out ask him about the pictures and who he sent them too. Naked pictures with writing indicating exactly the date and locality they were sent has no explanation. The rest is known as sunk cost fallacy. 3
Author xra Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 OP do you think he may have some sort of a sex addiction? That would be my best guess. There is help for that, so I vote for talk to him. Normally I am huge advocate of dump, but this is a LTR and you are engaged. I went through the same thing last December except my fiance's addiction was meth and coke. I DID talk to him and we tried to work it out. He made all sorts of promises to me that he would go to rehab, kick it, the whole bit. Then I discovered he was still using so he LIED. So that was it for me, I ended it. Trust was gone. We were together six years and I was devastated. So in your case, before just packing your bags, talk to him and tell him what you have discovered. IF he does have a sex addiction then as I said there IS help for that. It's up to HIM. It's his choice. I don't agree he doesn't love you, I have learned a lot about addiction since ending my RL and it has nothing to do with their partner, how much they do or don't love their partners, it's all about them and what's happening within them. If he agrees to counseling or whatevs, then I say give him a chance to prove to you he is man you can trust and grow old with. That trust will take time so be patient. Keep your eyes wide open and INSIST on accountability. If he becomes overly defensive or tries to flip the script accusing you of being psycho or whatevs then end it. But give him a chance to explain. After 3.5 years and being you are engaged, IMO he deserves that much at least. Good luck and keep us posted. Pulling for ya.... fingers crossed you guys can work this out. Hugs. Thank you for sharing your story, and for the support. This day is literally like a nightmare, I feel like I'm going to wake up at any moment and everything will be ok. I do agree that I need to talk to him, at least, and let him explain what has been going on. Yes, he might lie, or deny, or be apologetic and swear to change - but whatever happens, I need to know. I'd have a hard time seeing him have a sex addiction... He masturbates maybe once every couple of days, or once a day. He doesn't seem to watch porn very often, and he seems content with having sex a couple times a week. The other thing I would tend to think is that maybe he's bisexual, and is ashamed to tell me? A couple of the photos I found of him were very GAY, for lack of a better term. Of course, that doesn't excuse anything, but it could be at least part of the explanation... 1
BlueIris Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 These are three very wise people. They are kind, fair and honest. Listen to them. How devastating And the fact that you have concerns about confronting him when alone (listen to your gut!!) is another reason that you need to leave him. I'm really sorry. You aren't safe with him. That's even worse than the cheating and the lies I read your last thread. You are both living on student loans and he is an irresponsible child spending money on cars, motorcycles and 5K bicycle. Seems to me it's a win-win situation for you if you dump him. … Trust what I'm telling you. I've met these men. I've interviewed these men, picked their brains to figure why they do what they do and all I have to say is they are diabolical! Do you understand what that means? This isn't just porn on a computer hun. These are REAL women he's interacting with. And let's not forget that he involved you by posting your picture. If I was a betting woman, I'd push in all my chips and say that whatever profile he's created or spiel he's giving to these ladies he's telling them he's in an 'open relationship' with you. Helps ease the guilt for some guys. I've seen it a million times. 2
Author xra Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 Oh dear, is this the same guy...?? He is NOT in any shape or form marriage material. RUN I realize that he sounds like a complete idiot and a terrible person, from my last two threads on this forum. However, I have to be honest and say that outside of the tendency to be spendy on bicycles, he never really had any faults in my eyes. He's loving and caring, he has many great friends and loves his family, always treated me like his #1 priority, etc. He's literally the most 'pure-hearted' guy I've ever met, which is why I fell for him in the first place. Which makes the current situation all the more shocking. He's never had a cocky personality - he's fairly confident, but not assertive, and would never strike me as the type to hit on women in a bar, for instance. I don't know if that has something to do with this online sexting thing I've discovered.
MissBee Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 The photos were created in March and February of this year. Also, one of the photos has his handwritten timestamp IN the actual photo, dating to March 2016. These were definitely recent. Nail him, and then what?? The then what is up to you xra. Is it a deal breaker? Will you be able to trust him after? What will it take to me make you okay with this? None of us have that answer. For some people that would be a deal breaker, wedding called off, done. For others, it's a problem to work on. You all aren't as yet married. For me, I would be alarmed and worried that before we tied the knot he was already exhibiting such behavior and I would fear that nothing would stop it from getting worse the longer we are together. This is of course aside from the hurt and shock of it all. I think you should let him know what you've found and see what he says and how he responds and perhaps get couple's counseling/premarital counseling if you want to salvage things. It may be a case that you have actually lucked out before marrying a man whose secrets you didn't know and that might later be damaging (it happens, people see red flags and don't pay attention or somehow don't see them and end up marrying people who have problems and addictions that later ruin things) OR it may be a chance to address and work on things. You won't know until you sit him down and let him know and see what happens from there.
elaine567 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 You won't know until you sit him down and let him know and see what happens from there. But she is a bit scared of confronting him.... #11
MissBee Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I realize that he sounds like a complete idiot and a terrible person, from my last two threads on this forum. However, I have to be honest and say that outside of the tendency to be spendy on bicycles, he never really had any faults in my eyes. He's loving and caring, he has many great friends and loves his family, always treated me like his #1 priority, etc. He's literally the most 'pure-hearted' guy I've ever met, which is why I fell for him in the first place. Which makes the current situation all the more shocking. He's never had a cocky personality - he's fairly confident, but not assertive, and would never strike me as the type to hit on women in a bar, for instance. I don't know if that has something to do with this online sexting thing I've discovered. What does pure-hearted mean? Look, you've found his hidden secret betrayal so I really would reconsider this view of him as a pure-hearted guy. I don't mean to make light of your situation, but it's like when I watch shows like "Who the Bleep Did I Marry" or 60 minutes or anything like that where women are married to deranged killers or men who commit other atrocities and half of them are going on and on about how sweet, quiet, nice, whatever the guy is and how they had no clue...and I often think there is no way this guy didn't exhibit any red flags, he likely did, but for some reason regular acts of niceness blinded these women. Your case reminds me of this, where even though the evidence is here that your guy may not be everything you think he is, you're still saying he is pure-hearted although he's been secretly sexting (or more, as you've found pics but don't know yet if it was only an online thing or if he in fact eventually met up) with random women. You have to start by letting go of the view that he is pure-hearted. I get you're shocked and want to defend him and find some good or some excuse or see this as some mistake or anomaly, but it likely won't help you in the end. Too many women and men try to convince themselves of the good in their SO amid a world of bad that qualitatively outweighs the good. I am not saying you should immediately break up without a word, all I'm saying is that you seem more interested in finding an excuse for him and in holding on to an idealized view of him and focusing on how you love him...and basically it seems you don't want to break up so want advice on how to make this situation palatable. I get it. What I will say is that, you need to discuss and weigh things FIRST and then decide after all things are weighed and you see (and counseling) if this is truly worth it and if it is really worth saving OR if you are in fact with a man that you are better off without. As others have said, people get married and divorce everyday with far more ties, assets, intertwined monies, kids etc, so 3 years of a a relationship, while yes it's time invested, doesn't mean that you HAVE to stay at all cost and can't leave if you find out it's not what you thought. I think you've been given a gift. So many people would have wished to find out the horrible truth BEFORE saying "I do" and before kids and here you have a chance to RUN or at least weigh things CAREFULLY before truly "locking yourself in." 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I realize that he sounds like a complete idiot and a terrible person, from my last two threads on this forum. However, I have to be honest and say that outside of the tendency to be spendy on bicycles, he never really had any faults in my eyes. He's loving and caring, he has many great friends and loves his family, always treated me like his #1 priority, etc. He's literally the most 'pure-hearted' guy I've ever met, which is why I fell for him in the first place. Which makes the current situation all the more shocking. He's never had a cocky personality - he's fairly confident, but not assertive, and would never strike me as the type to hit on women in a bar, for instance. I don't know if that has something to do with this online sexting thing I've discovered. So?? So he's a good guy deep down. Most wayward men are deeeeeeep down but they're too busy thinking with their small head instead of their big head which is what gets them into trouble most of the time. And what do you think has something to do with this online sexting thing? 1
katiegrl Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Thank you for sharing your story, and for the support. This day is literally like a nightmare, I feel like I'm going to wake up at any moment and everything will be ok. I do agree that I need to talk to him, at least, and let him explain what has been going on. Yes, he might lie, or deny, or be apologetic and swear to change - but whatever happens, I need to know. I'd have a hard time seeing him have a sex addiction... He masturbates maybe once every couple of days, or once a day. He doesn't seem to watch porn very often, and he seems content with having sex a couple times a week. The other thing I would tend to think is that maybe he's bisexual, and is ashamed to tell me? A couple of the photos I found of him were very GAY, for lack of a better term. Of course, that doesn't excuse anything, but it could be at least part of the explanation... Believe it or not sex addiction is not actually about sex... “Sexual addiction is not about sex,” says Todd Frye, an ACA member and clinical sexual addiction specialist in Olathe, Kan. “Some clinicians assume that sexual addictions are driven by an overly active libido that simply has an abnormal level of craving for sexual images and acts. The bulk of those who present with sexual addiction really have more of an intimacy disorder than a sex disorder.” He explains that sexual addicts might use sexual gratification as a way of creating “metaphoric connections” to serve unmet intimacy needs, while others may use sex to deal with feelings of disconnection and the inability to create relationships with others." I dunno, he may feel something is missing in your RL even though on the surface everything appears to be great. Just a thought, but if you want to rule it out....then what else could it be? He's just a lying, cheating DB? Of course that's a big possibility too.... 1
MissBee Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 (edited) So?? So he's a good guy deep down. Most wayward men are deeeeeeep down but they're too busy thinking with their small head instead of their big head which is what gets them into trouble most of the time. And what do you think has something to do with this online sexting thing? Right. Literally, even the most horrible people, psychopaths and murderers included, are often charming, generically nice people who when their families, friends, neighbors and teachers are interviewed, can recall some positive things about them. So this means absolutely nothing. The ultimate questions are: are you willing to be with a man who does this and if so, how will you rationalize it? What will make you okay with this? How will you not be paranoid and how can this all work for you and why? If he is a sex addict, bi or whatever other thing you presume, will that work? I actually don't think you HAVE to break it off. But what I do think is you have to make an informed and wise choice, that comes after weighing things (and couple's counseling). If you address the real issue here and work on it things could be fine. What won't work is excusing it and saying "Oh he just made a mistake...he's a pure-hearted guy" or just accepting an apology, sweeping it under the rug and carrying on. Chances are, if you do the latter, it means you have signed on for a life of misery and have chosen to turn a blind eye to a HONKING, NEON, RED flag and shouldn't be surprised when other things like this or worse pop up during the course of your marriage. Edited June 3, 2016 by MissBee
katiegrl Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 But she is a bit scared of confronting him.... #11 OP, how could you be scared to confront him? He is your fiance for cryin out loud.... THAT is a huge issue in and of itself! I could never NOT confront him! I would be confronting him immediately which probably isn't the best idea either... as I would be emotional and upset. Best to wait a bit to calm down..... it would be very difficult though! Why are you scared to confront? Because of his temper? If so that is another issue! 1
BlueIris Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 He might be other good things but: He’s not financially responsible. You are. He is scary when angry. You’re not. He’s not loyal to you. You are loyal to him. He is not open and honest with you. You are with him. Loving him doesn’t change this. I’m so sorry for what has happened. Remember this is your life and you deserve someone who aligns with you. 4
katiegrl Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 (edited) Right. Literally, even the most horrible people, psychopaths and murderers included, are often charming, generically nice people who when their families, friends, neighbors and teachers are interviewed, can recall some positive things about them. So this means absolutely nothing. The ultimate questions are: are you willing to be with a man who does this and if so, how will you rationalize it? What will make you okay with this? How will you not be paranoid and how can this all work for you and why? If he is a sex addict, bi or whatever other thing you presume, will that work? Amen. Anyone familiar with the Philip Markoff case? Seemingly great guy, came from a great family, studying to be a doctor and doing very well in school, beautiful fiance, tons of friends, etc etc etc. However, during his spare time he was perusing the internet (craigslist.com) and meeting up with strange women in hotels and having sex with them... It eventually escalated and he ended up murdering one.... Was arrested and then committed suicide in jail. After painting his fiance's name on the wall with his own blood. You just never really know someone I guess..... very scary. Edited June 3, 2016 by katiegrl 1
MissBee Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Amen. Anyone familiar with the Philip Markoff case? Seemingly great guy, came from a great family, studying to be a doctor and doing very well in school, beautiful fiance, tons of friends, etc etc etc. However, during his spare time he was perusing the internet (craigslist.com) and meeting up with strange women in hotels and having sex with them... It eventually escalated and he ended up murdering one.... Was arrested and then committed suicide. You just never really know someone I guess..... very scary. Right. Which is why when we do get the good fortune (albeit devastating) to find out things like this before we fully commit ourselves, we should take the opportunity to act on it wisely because some folks don't get the chance. 2
Timshel Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Would it be possible, xra, to have some time away for a day or so? It may be prudent to have space to be introspective and consider the course before any action is taken. I always need to think big decisions through and know my heart, mind and intention before I make any move. The quiet allows clarity and the calculation removes regret, haste and fear. You have new information about the man you are building a future with and around....it is a hard blessing but it is meant to help you none the less. Know your own self before you try to asses his. 5
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 The other thing I would tend to think is that maybe he's bisexual, and is ashamed to tell me? A couple of the photos I found of him were very GAY, for lack of a better term. Of course, that doesn't excuse anything, but it could be at least part of the explanation... That' swell......... Being bisexual is not a free card to cheat. You pick your lover whether it's female or male and you engage in a monogamous relationship. What could he possibly tell you that would excuse his behavior? You are not married. You have 3 years in and no children. You have nothing to lose. There is no fixing this. Married couples that go to therapy have something to lose, usually they have children and they go to therapy to fix the un-fixable. Most of the time they have to invest YEARS before finding closure, if ever. Again, there is nothing for you to fix.
katiegrl Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 (edited) That' swell......... Being bisexual is not a free card to cheat. You pick your lover whether it's female or male and you engage in a monogamous relationship. What could he possibly tell you that would excuse his behavior? You are not married. You have 3 years in and no children. You have nothing to lose. There is no fixing this. Married couples that go to therapy have something to lose, usually they have children and they go to therapy to fix the un-fixable. Most of the time they have to invest YEARS before finding closure, if ever. Again, there is nothing for you to fix. Unless he has a sex addiction of some sort (which frankly it sounds like to me) and agrees to therapy or better yet rehab. I have heard of men recovering from that and going on to live happy lives with their wives after that..... He has to be committed to it though, assuming of course it IS sex addiction. I would recommend counseling to determine that. Not easy but it can be done. Or she could just walk away.... tough call. As you know I gave my ex a chance to fix his addiction, through rehab and he screwed it up. That is when I walked away. Edited June 3, 2016 by katiegrl
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Unless he has a sex addiction of some sort (which frankly it sounds like to me) and agrees to therapy or better yet rehab. I have heard of men recovering from that and going on to live happy lives with their wives after that..... He has to be committed to it though, assuming of course it IS sex addiction. I would recommend counseling to determine that. Not easy but it can be done. Or she could just walk away.... tough call. As you know I gave my ex a chance to fix his addiction, through rehab and he screwed it up. That is when I walked away. I have dealt with a partner that had sex addiction. It was someone new each week and it's probably where I got my virus. If OP's boyfriend's has a sex addiction he is putting her health in jeopardy. With all of the other problems this guy is bringing to the table he's not worth the time, effort and emotional distress. 3
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I have dealt with a partner that had sex addiction. It was someone new each week and it's probably where I got my virus. If OP's boyfriend's has a sex addiction he is putting her health in jeopardy. With all of the other problems this guy is bringing to the table he's not worth the time, effort and emotional distress. Maybe my judgment is harder because I have been there. By the way my ex was 45 when we were together. He is now 61 and he is still addicted and putting his current wife through similar hell.
Recommended Posts