Author DudeMan27 Posted July 27, 2016 Author Posted July 27, 2016 Thanks Bummer. Yeah I didn’t take it that hard, haven’t really thought much about her since. It just kinda stunk, she’s seemed really cool and felt we had a bit of chemistry. Just tough to not know wtf happened. * Anyway, I have REALLY been studying up on depression. *Reading, listening to podcasts, etc.* For the longest time I just chalked most things up to self esteem issues, shyness and wasn’t really sure if I had actual depression, or maybe just sad about my ex, *but I’m certain if I saw a doctor I’d be diagnosed. Read a lot about depression effects in relationships, and behaviors outlined almost read to a T my behavior with this girl. It actually made me feel a bit better before I’ve spent years thinking how could I have act the way I did sometimes. I look back and I don’t even recognize that person. (My 4th of July story for example) I never touched on sexual issues that really hurt our relationship, and over the years I was haunted by the thoughts of it, but I’ve read stories that almost mimicked exactly what I went thru. It was a huge factor in ruining the relationship, and I still can’t get over how I lost a wonderful person because of it. * I’ve listened to people who have overcome depression, talk of things of how they viewed the world, the things they obsessed over, the way they felt in certain situations, and its every single thing I’ve gone thru, and still go thru. Ive heard people finding it difficult to just complete routine adult tasks (taking car in for service, household choirs, etc) and I’ve felt that very same way. And that builds into not feeling like you’re living as an adult, and that feeds into the negative thinking that you may not deserve adult things, like relationships and sex. That can explain why I haven’t even been on a date in years. I also read of body dysmorphic disorder, and I’ve done these things nearly my whole life. Obsessing over how you look almost at all times. Thinking people may notice something about your appearance that may not even be there, but YOU think it is. Again, I just chalked it up to self esteem issues. * Like I said, it slightly makes me feel better because it seems like I’m FINALLY finding some answers other than trying to dream up some reasoning for why I did what I did, or said what I said, or why I didn’t do this or that. I look back to several girls that really liked me, maybe 5 or 6, after my relationship and not one of them went anywhere because I wouldn’t allow it. I was clueless sometimes that they actually wanted to be with me. Most guys after getting their heart broken would have their eyes open and see that as a good thing, and I just passed up any chance I had to move on.* This exact mindset has all been outlined in some way or another in my depression research. * I will be seeing a doctor soon, I’d like to get on some form of medication before this gets any worse. I’d really wish I came around to these a few years ago. It would be nice to kind of get this stuff off my chest to her, when there was a time it seemed the lines of communication were open. (An occasional text from her, or when she was liking a bunch of posts and photos of mine on social media out of nowhere) Kinda seems like she was trying to reach out, and I just pushed it to the backburner. Now we’ve finally reached the point where we’re basically complete strangers. So any out reach by me would be kind of awkward. * Anyway, I’m rambling, I didn’t really put this post into words as well as I thought it out, but just wanted to get it out there.
bummer Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 I think everything you wrote was crystal clear and well balanced. There isn't anger or excessive self-loathing, just a firmer grasp on what may be wrong in your situation. I hope continued deep therapy and a future with some medication works out for you. I hope also that exercise, new hobbies, and a more balanced lifestyle can augment the effects of any pharmacology. With time, I hope you will be yourself and happy. Then all those ladies who liked you can feel some love in return. Thanks again for continuing to share your story. And forget the ex. If she was reaching out, she'd find a way to call directly, not just like your pictures. Just keep aiming ahead!
Author DudeMan27 Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 Uggghhh. Last thing I needed. Not long after I sit down at work, I have some facebook chat notifications so I'm get on. Scroll a bit, "so and so commented on this photo" My ex's new facebook profile. My friends wife liked it and commented. My*heart just absolutely sank. She looks unbelievable. Dresses up for what looks like a wedding. Definitely a next to some guy in a suit, altho he looks to be cut out. I just stared at myself in the mirror this morning at how awful I've looked. Losing my hair big time, bloated, bags under my eyes. And now I have to see a pic of her looking like a million dollars. Even when I pulled the trigger the Unfriending, I still get that thrown in my face. I've tried so hard to avoid seeing pics of her pop up over the years. Muted her, her family and her close friends. I've seen a few here and there and it hasn't bothered me too much, but man she looks wonderful. This really was the last thing I needed on top of everything else.
bummer Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Cheer up, dude! Honestly, you are on face-crack way too much, I'm guessing. Same terrible advice, go workout and make yourself feel good about your own image. I hope you made the changes you wanted and the last few weeks have been better!
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