My Girlfriend Nephew Is Suffering From Cancer

[GemmaUK]

Brian,

 

I actually have a very similar situation and it can be very difficult, especially in an LDR. My LDR gf has a son (19 years old) who went into a major depressive episode about two months ago. I don't know your age but I am 44 and my 'gf' is 42. Her sons sudden turn for the worse has caused us to cancel a couple of get together's and pretty much put on hold or possibly ended the LDR (not clear on that, yet).

 

Here's the thing. Different people react differently to crisis in life. Believe it or not some actually totally freak out (and in some cases, rightfully so). When they freak out it is because they are stressed and anxious and scared, etc. Ever gone up to a friendly family pet that was anxious, scared, stressed and they growl, bite, or scratch you? They don't mean to. They are just.......scared/anxious/stressed, etc. When you run into an animal that is scared/stressed/anxious you don't just trot right up to them and start asking them why they are so distant and acting weird, unless you want to get your head bitten off.

 

Long story short, my 'gf' shut down when her son starting having his episodes. She quit talking to me barely ever. I, as you, felt that I should at least expect to hear from her once or twice a week via text for like 5 minutes, right? Wrong! Wrong for me to expect that! However, before I give my 'gf' 100% freedom from responsibility in the issue, let me say it would have been nice to know that the expectation should have been zero. Communication is key here and your 'gf' should be able to tell you what she wants from you right now. But, she may not be able to. She may not know.

 

The end of my story goes like this. Last Sunday, I texted my gf a handful of lengthy texts about how it would have been nice to at least have heard from her once in 7 days, even if just to let me know she was okay. I told her I felt that not hearing from her in a week was a clear indication to me that our relationship wasn't thought of even one time. Here is where clearer communication from her would've helped. She never told me what exactly was going on with her son. She just said he is having a really hard time and started some out patient therapy to help find the right medications for his depression. I'm thinking there has got to be SOME time in a week just to say hi, right? Well, I pushed too much and this is the response I got back from her, right around midnight:

 

Her: Hey, how was your day?

Me: Great! Wow, nice to hear from you!

Her: Sorry I've been quiet, been really busy with work and my son, etc.

Her: But, since you seem to need so much of my time, maybe you should look for someone local.

Her: How's that for communication? Well? You wanted me to talk, right?

Her: You want to know how I spent my day?

Me (obviously treading on ice now): Yeah, I'd love to hear about your day.

Her: I spent the day shopping with my son for a watch......

Her: To cover the scars on his wrist from where he tried to kill himself.

Her: Is that what you want to hear? I spend my days commuting back and forth 3 hours to take him back and forth to outpatient care.

Me: Wow. I'm really sorry to hear about your son.

Her: **** you - you don't know what it's like to bury your child. It's pure HORROR!

Me: But, he's not dead, is he?

Her: NO! But now that he's tried I stay up every night watching him thinking about how he could be. You don't ****ing know anything about WHAT I AM DEALING WITH!

Her: **** your 5 minute commute and your well adjusted offspring!

 

At this point, I stopped saying anything! I know she was probably hitting the wine at this time but I knew where she was coming from....a place of fear, anxiety, and stress. As I said, I didn't know things were that bad for her son. Because she didn't tell me, and that's on her! But, it's on me for not thinking realistically about how far away in an LDR I really am from what is happening to her on a day to day basis. The comment about my short commute to work and my well-adjusted daughter obviously came from a place of envy and resentment for a life she thought she might have some day vs. where she is currently at now with her son. The comment was clear enough to me to know that I need to take a step back and let her go for now. I truly am not a priority, nor would I expect to be given the circumstances. I've turned to going to meetups and hanging with friends and praying for her and her son! It's all I can do right now. If she needs/wants me, she'll reach out. But I learned at this time I probably shouldn't reach out to her.

 

I just wanted to give you an example of how sometimes you don't always know what is really going on is your LDR's life and they may not be able, or very good at, communicating it. If it seems they are looking for separation it isn't always about you or your relationship. Just enjoy your 'me' time if/until she calls you - then be there for her.

 

I'm not sure that you are aware of just how much insight you have.

Those messages and her talk of your commute etc all have made you realise a bit more what your gf is going through.

I think you are doing the right thing but you write so honestly and eloquently here that I'd write her a letter, an actual letter and send it in the post to her - pretty much what you wrote here.

 

No one else can quite understand and no one has a clue how they will react when things like this happen.