Another MM

[PinkSunset]

If you're looking for sympathy from anyone you will not find it here or in the OW/OM section. I have posted my story and have gotten a lot of backlash from people that are clearly on the betrayed spouses side, understandably so.

 

My advice to you, as an OW myself, is to deal with your marriage first. It's painful to go NC or LC with your AP but it usually needs to be done.

 

If you don't plan on leaving your wife while she is ill, then that is your decision and you need to let OW know. Don't do the back and forth because it helps no one. Stick to your decision and live it out.

 

If you want to be with the OW you need to deal with ending your marriage properly. I feel for your OW in that email, I know exactly how she feels. Luckily for me my MM has left his wife and has moved out. It's still very hard though as he has a lot to deal with.

[MrDevlish]

After all week not msging her via sms or im at work even after bumping into her i caved in last night and sent her msg via app but recalled it :/

Edited June 4, 2016 by MrDevlish

[Mrs. John Adams]

look...this is not about your girlfriend

 

leave her alone..I do not even understand how this thread has taken this turn that everyone is talking about how she feels....or who she is, or what she thinks...or the letter she wrote

 

this is about the woman sleeping in your bed...who is sick...who trusts you...and has no idea of the person you REALLY have become

 

get over yourself and think about becoming a responsible, accountable, sympathetic, husband.

 

You have been coddled enough.....everyone has been politically correct and has told you how bad your other woman is.

 

Let's talk about how low you have become...

 

your AP is not going to reconcile with your wife...or divorce your wife

 

YOU are my friend....this is about you

 

I don't care why you did it...I don't care how you feel about your AP...I don't care what she thinks

 

Let's talk about you.....

[ChickiePops]

If you're looking for sympathy from anyone you will not find it here or in the OW/OM section. I have posted my story and have gotten a lot of backlash from people that are clearly on the betrayed spouses side, understandably so.

 

My advice to you, as an OW myself, is to deal with your marriage first. It's painful to go NC or LC with your AP but it usually needs to be done.

 

If you don't plan on leaving your wife while she is ill, then that is your decision and you need to let OW know. Don't do the back and forth because it helps no one. Stick to your decision and live it out.

 

If you want to be with the OW you need to deal with ending your marriage properly. I feel for your OW in that email, I know exactly how she feels. Luckily for me my MM has left his wife and has moved out. It's still very hard though as he has a lot to deal with.

 

People who earn sympathy get it easily...

[sandylee1]

Okay, I know my next statement is going to go over like a ton of bricks but I will say it anyway.

 

What a load of baloney.

 

She is playing the victim card, when she is anything but. She was an engaged mother with a fiance who was overseas. I don't know if that meant he was overseas in the civilian world or as a deployed military member, but either way, it doesn't sound like it took her long to get involved with someone else (you).

 

I also have little use for a mother wo woudl allow her child to get involved in the affair, albeit by proxy. She allowed her daughter to get to know you,a married man whom she was cheating on her daughter's father with, then she has the gall to try and use that to make you feel guilty?

 

"And don’t forget that my daughter is involved. She’s gotten to know you, and the longer this goes on, the more emotionally involved she becomes. How is it fair on her if you are just dragging this out as long as I’ll let you? She deserves better than that and so do I."

 

I have seen plenty of stories on here from ow, but very few contain this type of behavior. Most would find that sort of thing to be a very bad idea, and kepe any children they might have out of the situation until mm is divorced or at least completely separated from his bs.

 

As for her feeling guilty about your wife? At this point, after sleeping with her husband she suddenly feels guilty? Oh come off of it. That's incredibly insincere. If she felt that guilty, she'd stop the A altogether and not allow you to contact her at all. No emails, messages, letters, etc.

 

 

I totally agree with you.

 

How dare she play the victim when she got involved with a MM and was stupid enough to introduce her daughter to you. What responsible parent does that?

 

She is not taking responsibility for her part in this like she should. She is hurting because she made the concious decision to have an affair with you, knowing that you were married. I presume you didn't hold a gun to her head to get into the affair with you?

 

If she wants someone to blame she should look squarely in the mirror. I just can't get round introducing your married boyfriend to your child. Some role model she'll be. This is the kind of mother who will be supporting her child if she has an affair in the future or not telling her it's wrong.

 

Her letter is just twaddle.... and that's putting it mildly.

 

Why is it that OW never want to take responsibility for the position they find themselves in?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I totally agree with you.

 

How dare she play the victim when she got involved with a MM and was stupid enough to introduce her daughter to you. What responsible parent does that?

 

She is not taking responsibility for her part in this like she should. She is hurting because she made the concious decision to have an affair with you, knowing that you were married. I presume you didn't hold a gun to her head to get into the affair with you?

 

If she wants someone to blame she should look squarely in the mirror. I just can't get round introducing your married boyfriend to your child. Some role model she'll be. This is the kind of mother who will be supporting her child if she has an affair in the future or not telling her it's wrong.

 

Her letter is just twaddle.... and that's putting it mildly.

 

Why is it that OW never want to take responsibility for the position they find themselves in?

 

Why do they need too? If this man had stayed at home in the first place...she would not be his other woman.

 

She is not the victim....the WIFE is the victim

 

While these two were out playing around having a good time....she has been home thinking her husband loves and adores her...she has been blindsided...her world is falling apart...

 

Let's focus on the real issue here...

[lemondrop21]

You've had two posts that were about your OW and trying to stick to NC, and not much else... I don't know that you're ready to go NC yet to be honest. I think it's where you should end up more than likely, but throwing yourself into NC without having made a solid commitment to it beforehand is just a recipe to break it. You're now obsessed with not talking to your OW, and you're not analyzing your situation in a broader sense at all.

 

Why don't you think of this as "giving yourself some space for a while" rather than final NC, and tell her that in an email or something (so that she doesn't start chasing you when she feels your absence) and then leave it alone for a few weeks. Give yourself time to breathe and really think, deeply, about your desired outcome.

 

It seems like your OW is trying to take some space as well so you'll be doing her a favor; she might start to wake up a bit. I'm not going to label her as an evil person since I don't know her, but I think she's in a tough spot in life and has made some poor choices. If you were to actually leave for her, she would need to come to terms with her choices just as much as you would.

 

Good luck.

[Sabella]

Hi Mr.D

You've been given some really good advice already. I'm not going to bash your ow and her letter. She is wrong to lay blame solely on you, she knew what she was choosing and made her decision. Right now she is just emotional and lashing out. That's understandable.

 

I know you feel stuck and unsure right now, but I really think you need to find a way to step back from AP with some NC. It will be really hard, but the only way to get any clarity.

 

I was in a 3 year A with a mm and we are now only about 2 months of NC, it's not easy, I will not lie. Long story that I won't go over here, I had a lot of issues with my M and instead of facing them head on and dealing with them I had an A. Which only ended up causing more chaos and hurt.

 

I disclosed to H, he was willing to stay and work on things, but I decided to separate from him as well. My mind was a mess of emotions after the A and my marital problems and they still are. NC with my AP and space from H is the only way I can move forward with clarity.

 

I can't speak to what you should do, or what would help you live authentically and move forward. I can say that I believe NC is a big must with your OW. How can you even see if there is anything left with your W when you are so divided? There are arguments for and against disclosure to W, not sure what is best in your situation.

 

I can only speak through the filter of my A. But when I think of my H, even with all our issues, he deserves to be fully loved. Not some half-assed, duty bound, just for the kids scenario, which was what he was getting from me even before the A. He deserves to have it all. I'm not sure at this point if I can give that to him. I guess only time and lots of IC will tell, which we are both starting.

 

Now when I think of my AP, it's hard not to miss him as I did and do still love him. It was hard to lose his friendship. He was the one that finally ended it, and I will honor that and not break NC. I hope that eventually I will get to a point where I think of him and I can just be happy for him and wish him nothing but the best (not there yet!). If we were meant to be together...we would be. I still have a secret hope that we will find each other later in life, which is both silly and sad.

 

The A just clouds everything. Such a rush of intense, mind blowing emotions. You need to be able to think clearly and think this through. You simply can't do that with continuing on as you are.

[dreamingoftigers]

I love my wife but confused whether im in love with her. At the moment she is undergoing serious health issues so I cannot leave her. The OW I've only known for 9 months. I have deep feelings for her but whether its lust its still too early to say. I know the hurt i am causing to the OW and inevitably to my wife but I am so confused.

 

Blah ha ha. That's the OLDEST cheater line in the book.

 

Do you know what love is?

 

It's not just a bunch of fluffy feelings? It's an action denoting respect.

 

You are basically saying "I get some fluffy feelings from my wife, but I don't respect her because I'm not sure if I get ENOUGH fluffy feelings from her. I want to hold off on respecting her until I'm sure I get enough fluffy feelings."

 

So...... You aren't willing to do the actions of loving either woman until you see who gives you the biggest hard-on. And you are 'confused' because for some reason that isn't working for you.

 

These aren't entertainment units, they are PEOPLE.

You aren't always going to have the fluffiest of feelings with whoever you are with. That's where vows and respect come in.

 

Guess what makes it even harder to have fluffy feelings with your wife? Banging someone else. Because your brain says 'oh hey, we are banging partner #2. We must make bonding hormones for partner #2. We will make fluffy feelings for partner #2 until they get established and he can respect her. Then we will make fluffy feeling hormones intermittently. Because this guy is a mature adult right? This old brain doesn't need to keep him high on hormones all of the time."

 

That's why screwing around doesn't help your marriage. Duh.

 

And chances are your screwing around could be contributing to your wife's health problems.

 

Try being 'supportive' by not screwing strange! Novel concept!

[ladydesigner]

I totally agree with you.

 

How dare she play the victim when she got involved with a MM and was stupid enough to introduce her daughter to you. What responsible parent does that?

 

She is not taking responsibility for her part in this like she should. She is hurting because she made the concious decision to have an affair with you, knowing that you were married. I presume you didn't hold a gun to her head to get into the affair with you?

 

If she wants someone to blame she should look squarely in the mirror. I just can't get round introducing your married boyfriend to your child. Some role model she'll be. This is the kind of mother who will be supporting her child if she has an affair in the future or not telling her it's wrong.

 

Her letter is just twaddle.... and that's putting it mildly.

 

Why is it that OW never want to take responsibility for the position they find themselves in?

 

 

It is interesting in a lot of ways the AP's act similarly to the WS in that neither wants to accept responsibility yet everyone wants to blame the BS, the one who doesn't even know what's going on.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I tend to not go with crowd mentality. I tend to think about and process.. But at the same time I am a very emotionally driven person.

 

Honestly MrD... I know what I did to my husband ... I know how long that hurts has remained... And he was young and healthy.

 

I cannot imagine how you look at your ill wife.. And know how frightened she must be... And know that she has no idea how low you have become... And yet your thoughts are with another woman... I don't see how you don't fall to your knees and place your head in her lap and beg her to forgive you for being such a horrible partner.

 

Instead you come here and post a letter from your lover...

 

Honestly... I am horrified. I don't know how you can even sleep.

 

I don't want to tear you apart... And oh I could... Because in your statements here.. You have given us a very clear picture of who you presently are.

 

I want to encourage you to do the right thing... But I also see your head is not even in this game.

 

You are still in a completely selfish mode. You are not looking at the damage you are causing... To your wife... To your lover... To your lovers daughter... To your parents...

 

Infidelity destroys everything in its path... And you are continuing to allow that to happen instead of taking responsibility for the destruction ... You are wallowing in self pity.

 

You have so much to repair... But you can't do it until you become honest with yourself. That's the very first step in healing... Honesty. Taking responsibility for what you are doing...

 

Let's take step one...

[sandylee1]

Why do they need too? If this man had stayed at home in the first place...she would not be his other woman.

 

She is not the victim....the WIFE is the victim

 

While these two were out playing around having a good time....she has been home thinking her husband loves and adores her...she has been blindsided...her world is falling apart...

 

Let's focus on the real issue here...

 

 

They need to because that's what responsible adult do. A failure to take responsibility is a serious character flaw

 

I have commented because he posted her letter here acting like a victim. We cannot talk to the BW who hasn't posted here, so I'm commenting on the 'woe is me, you're breaking my heart', so he can get another perspective on her writing a load of old cobblers.

 

And it's an issue because she's part of this.

 

An affair takes two.... if no one jumped to be the OW, affairs wouldn't happen.

[Mrs. John Adams]

They need to because that's what responsible adult do. A failure to take responsibility is a serious character flaw

 

I have commented because he posted her letter here acting like a victim. We cannot talk to the BW who hasn't posted here, so I'm commenting on the 'woe is me, you're breaking my heart', so he can get another perspective on her writing a load of old cobblers.

 

And it's an issue because she's part of this.

 

An affair takes two.... if no one jumped to be the OW, affairs wouldn't happen.

 

Absolutely it takes 2 and she is responsible for her part... But as you said.. His wife and his girlfriend are not here... He is.

 

While she needs to take responsibility for her part... He has diverted the conversation to her instead of him.

 

I quite frankly don't give a rats arse about her right now... What I care about is him taking responsibility... Him making changes... Him becoming accountable... Him becoming honest... Him not her.

[ChickiePops]

10 characters

[ShatteredLady]

It's THIS, exactly THIS.... (Quoted from OP)

 

"Unfortunately, this A has resulted in pushing my wife away and also taking out my frustrations on her."

 

The bs isn't just laying around feeling broken & terrified. She's also feeling like a pretty useless pile of stinky poo because the person who promised to love her "In sickness & in health" can't. What's wrong with her? Other husbands don't get ANGRY at their wives for being sick!

 

That's how I felt!

 

She's not thinking everything's fine. She's being pushed away & snapped at. She trusts her H completely so what reason can there be for him obviously NOT giving her the care & patience that one expects when their life is on the line?

 

Obviously it's all her fault! She's a crappy wife. Why would any loving H push his W away & treat her badly when she's seriously sick? I was hating myself not living an ignorance is bliss life.

 

It was a short time ago but my H doesn't recall the utter contempt on his face when I needed him to help me into the car & drive me to emergency. I do! It's making me cry now.

 

To be terrified that you're going to die with the love of your life looking at you like a useless burden is horrific.

[ShatteredLady]

In these situations the bs is generally more empathic than people think. I KNEW that something was very, very wrong.

 

I don't know if she's started having surgery yet. The fact that they can't try for kids for 5 years makes me assume it's either potentially terminal without medication or it requires surgeries (please correct me if I'm wrong).

 

Being 'Ugly' & sick & scared & in pain made made me feel so small, useless & terrified. I saw the way my H treated me & the way he spoke to me...mostly how he avoided me...& his actions taught me that even after a lifetime shared no-one has patience or enough love to tolerate a sick wife who's not happily partying & swinging from the ceiling having hot sex.

 

Come d-day I was relieved to know what was actually going on.

 

You can look back at my history. I first posted 8 MONTHS before I knew about my H's affair. It could be an education in how much you are NOW destroying your wife.

 

Being very seriously sick is very stressful. In my experience optimistic care givers hear the best possible outcome. husbands having affairs rarely come to appointments & if they do they're distracted by their messages on mobile devises. Cheating H's don't question surgeons & know the worst possible results.

 

It makes me laugh (that hysterical I'm loosing my mind kind of laugh) when I read the things I need for a good recovery. Avoiding stress, good support system, relaxing & following restrictions etc. Pretty much the opposite of the world cheaters create!

[Dancewithme]

Dear OP, I hope you are really paying attention to Shattered Lady's postings.

[MrDevlish]

I have read through all the replies and all ring true and something I already know. If I had a friend in the same situation I would offer exactly the same advice and if I was a friend of the OW i would tell her to run a million miles from the MM and not look back.

 

It is correct in that its like an addiction and maybe Im still in the denial stage and trying to justify my actions which to outsiders dont seem logical.

 

I find myself playing these'games' which I cant seem to stop. Yesterday I sent the OW a few texts just normal conversation and she would only reply with answer without continuing the conversation. I fully understand she is trying NC but i find myself getting frustrated when I know I shouldnt. Maybe as pointed out it is ego of feeling rejected.

 

Well my wife and I havent really been intimate and although she has tried initiating it i just tell her im tired. She senses something is wrong as she says we are more like housemate.

 

I know what i have to do and its wrong the A but cant help myself. I also have this saviour complex from childhood where my mother was mentally ill for many years.

[ChickiePops]

I have read through all the replies and all ring true and something I already know. If I had a friend in the same situation I would offer exactly the same advice and if I was a friend of the OW i would tell her to run a million miles from the MM and not look back.

 

It is correct in that its like an addiction and maybe Im still in the denial stage and trying to justify my actions which to outsiders dont seem logical.

 

I find myself playing these'games' which I cant seem to stop. Yesterday I sent the OW a few texts just normal conversation and she would only reply with answer without continuing the conversation. I fully understand she is trying NC but i find myself getting frustrated when I know I shouldnt. Maybe as pointed out it is ego of feeling rejected.

 

Well my wife and I havent really been intimate and although she has tried initiating it i just tell her im tired. She senses something is wrong as she says we are more like housemate.

 

I know what i have to do and its wrong the A but cant help myself. I also have this saviour complex from childhood where my mother was mentally ill for many years.

 

Actually you can definitely help yourself. Why won't you?

[MrDevlish]

Actually you can definitely help yourself. Why won't you?

 

Knowing and doing is a different thing. It is very much like addiction. People who lose weight know they need to control diet and exercise but can they or deep down do they want to

[ChickiePops]

Knowing and doing is a different thing. It is very much like addiction. People who lose weight know they need to control diet and exercise but can they or deep down do they want to

 

Excuses. You have the ability to do something. Find some strength and do something. Stop being such a wuss.

[Steen719]

Knowing and doing is a different thing. It is very much like addiction. People who lose weight know they need to control diet and exercise but can they or deep down do they want to

 

MrDevlish,

Honestly, you are like a thousand other WH or WW on these threads. You think you have found the "one", when in reality, your "one" has cheated on her fiance, introduced her married man to her daughter as a boyfriend, conspired to "fool" an innocent wife by consorting with her husband and then asking him when he is going to leave his wife. My God, you would choose her over a wife who is loving and faithful? Do you really not see that the life you are trying to make with her is built on a foundation of lies and deceit and that if you end up with her, you are both at risk to cheat again?

 

Choose wisely, MrDevlish. Read some of these threads about people who have chosen to satisfy their fleeting desires and what they have lost in the process. I am not speaking of losing just a marriage or a family. I am talking about losing your sense of self and self-respect. Live an honest and authentic life. What else do we really have to offer others but our honestly and loyalty to them? You are going down a rabbit hole and your puny efforts to do anything different are virtually ineffective.

 

Stand up, do something right and no matter what your decision, start being honest with everyone today. All this pandering will get you nowhere.

[sandylee1]

So you're denying your wife intimacy as a result of your A. That's just cold and cruel. Would you find it acceptable if she got some hot passionate sex elsewhere as you aren't up to the task with her?

 

YOU are on a collision to disaster. I bet you never envisaged this as you made your wedding vows. Be a man you can respect and not be ashamed of.

[Lois_Griffin]

Your OW:

Your OW broke off her engagement because she wanted a committed relationship with you. She gave up her engagement for YOU. Now she is left with neither you nor her fiancé.

She's not a victim. She's a volunteer.

 

Guess she had to learn the hard way what a dead end married men really are. They want to keep what they've got at home but want the OW to give them MORE.

 

You know, because they're just that special.

 

You see that quite a bit on OW support boards. These women actually think these cheaters are going to leave and many of them have divorced or gotten out of committed relationships only to find out lover boy wasn't going anywhere. Gee, what a surprise.

 

So OP, like all the other married dead ends out there, you're playing the part to the hilt. Expecting your OW to just give give give while you reap all the benefits of having a loving wife and home to come home to.

 

You keep reaching out to the OW because you're so damned SELFISH that you can't respect her request for no contact. And for some odd reason, she's ignorant enough not to block you because like most foolish women who've made bad choices, she still actually thinks there's a chance. She'll eventually smarten up. And I won't even touch on the disrespect you've continually shoved down your wife's throat when she needed you the MOST.

 

It's been the ALL ABOUT YOU Show for so damned long you don't even know what it's like to actually take anyone else's feelings into consideration, do you? No, you don't.

 

I'm not sure what kind of advice you're seeking here because the only one you feel bad for is YOU. And my give-a-damn is broken when it comes to lying cheaters...so yannow, there's that.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You know....I am willing as are many many others....to help those who ask.

 

But I watch to see if anything soaks in....if there is any kind of positive response...if there is any movement toward someone at least "trying" to better themselves and their situation.

 

I grow impatient when an OP comes here...asking for help....and then rejects or ignores every piece of advice given to them.

 

I can't stand when an OP...stays in the same place....when we go round and round and round...and we all give the same advice over and over and over.....and the OP argues ...back...because after all....they have to do it their way. This is actually true....they do....and it is not one size fits all.

 

But it is very obvious when an OP is making no attempt to "fix" himself....or his situation.

 

MrD.....I understand that "breaking up" is hard to do. Because you do not know what your wife's reaction to all of this will be...and none of us likes to be taken off guard. I often advise both betrayeds and waywards...to seek therapy...and to seek legal advice. Being prepared is a good thing. Thinking things through is a good thing. Exploring all avenues...is a good thing.

 

Using others for our own personal gain is not ok. Stringing others along because we are indecisive...is not ok.

 

You truly need to withdraw from your lover....in fairness to the both of you. It is not fair...to either of you...for you to continue contact...especially since she made it clear she wants you to either commit to her or leave her alone. You owe her that much. Playing with another persons emotions is destructive.

 

Now I do have sympathy for your lover...I don't like to see anyone hurt....and your actions toward her...hurt her. She has a whole list of reasons why others might think she deserves exactly what is happening to her....because she too has made some really poor choices.

 

To some degree I agree...and I also agree...you deserve what you get. The only person who does not deserve what is happening to them...is your wife.

 

and this is where I become angry and impatient. Your wife....does not deserve this. She does not deserve to be sick....she does not deserve your withdrawal...she does not deserve to be disrespected....she does not deserve any of this.

 

She is in a marriage....that she trusts in...she believes that you are going to be there for her...in sickness and in health...

 

She has no idea...that the man she loves and trusts and depends on...is about to blow up her whole world.

 

This is truly a case of infidelity that must be disclosed.....because I guarantee that your wife will find out. Your ow....will tell her...I have no doubt. In an affair....the more people who know...the more likely it is to be discovered. You are in an affair with a woman who has a child....and you have become active in that child's life.

 

How open ...how public ....has this affair been? Restaurants, Theaters, hotels...etc. Trails exist......you will most definitely be found out.

 

I can tell you that disclosure....while terribly difficult...is much better coming from you....than her finding out from other means.

 

So....you need to decide...how and when you need to do this. Telling her while she is ill....is a horrible choice.....but the longer you wait.....the worse the situation will become. I believe...you should disclose...and the sooner the better.

 

So....here is a plan... .. become honest with yourself....have no contact of any kind with your lover....seek therapy....seek legal advice...and disclose to your wife about this affair.

 

When this occurs...your wife may ask you to leave...or you may even believe you need time alone as well. OR...she may beg you to stay. Either way...be prepared as to what your answer to her will be.

 

Do not agree to reconciliation...unless you are absolutely sure you want to put in the work to achieve it. Do not "string" your wife along...like you are your lover.

 

I believe you are a good person....who has made a very bad choice. I believe you will look back on this and grieve for all of the things you have done...I believe you will eventually realize the path of destruction your choices have caused others....and you will one day....mourn. There are choices we make that we can never undo....and this will be one...that someday you would give anything if you could go back and undo it.

 

But that is not today...today..you are selfish...today....you are a user....today....you are a coward.