CoolHandLuke76 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I have a serious question. How are you able to commit such heinous acts of cruelty against your wife and still sleep through the night? I am 100% serious in my curiosity about this. 6
Steen719 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I have a serious question. How are you able to commit such heinous acts of cruelty against your wife and still sleep through the night? I am 100% serious in my curiosity about this. I have to say, I thought that many times with my XH. I couldn't sleep with the knife in my back, but he slept just fine. No concern, other than for himself. Any tears he shed were for him, not for the wife and son he was screwing over. Absolutely disgusting. Ruined our lives for a relationship that never came to fruition. Not much of a conscience. Some people can justify anything they do. 6
CoolHandLuke76 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 (edited) I have to say, I thought that many times with my XH. I couldn't sleep with the knife in my back, but he slept just fine. No concern, other than for himself. Any tears he shed were for him, not for the wife and son he was screwing over. Absolutely disgusting. Ruined our lives for a relationship that never came to fruition. Not much of a conscience. Some people can justify anything they do. It makes me think that cheaters might possibly be physiologically different than non-cheaters. Like how gay people are different than straight people. I would just love to understand. I don't. I don't understand serial killers and I don't understand how some people can be so incredibly cruel to the one person in the entire world that loves them more than any other person. When that little voice tells us not to do the wrong thing, why did they not listen? I would really love to understand. Edited June 3, 2016 by CoolHandLuke76 6
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Okay, I know my next statement is going to go over like a ton of bricks but I will say it anyway. What a load of baloney. She is playing the victim card, when she is anything but. She was an engaged mother with a fiance who was overseas. I don't know if that meant he was overseas in the civilian world or as a deployed military member, but either way, it doesn't sound like it took her long to get involved with someone else (you). I also have little use for a mother wo woudl allow her child to get involved in the affair, albeit by proxy. She allowed her daughter to get to know you,a married man whom she was cheating on her daughter's father with, then she has the gall to try and use that to make you feel guilty? "And don’t forget that my daughter is involved. She’s gotten to know you, and the longer this goes on, the more emotionally involved she becomes. How is it fair on her if you are just dragging this out as long as I’ll let you? She deserves better than that and so do I." I have seen plenty of stories on here from ow, but very few contain this type of behavior. Most would find that sort of thing to be a very bad idea, and kepe any children they might have out of the situation until mm is divorced or at least completely separated from his bs. As for her feeling guilty about your wife? At this point, after sleeping with her husband she suddenly feels guilty? Oh come off of it. That's incredibly insincere. If she felt that guilty, she'd stop the A altogether and not allow you to contact her at all. No emails, messages, letters, etc. I agree completely this reply. She is putting all the blame on you and making herself be like a victim. SHE KNEW you were married all along, she painted YOUR wife as the devil to justify getting involved with you. She also cannot blame you for HER DECISION to involve her daughter in this. Her kid never should have met you!! THAT'S on her, not you. This OW (who is engaged and he's in the army, away?) is far from innocent in all this and she's manipulative by that letter. Please, focus on taking care of your ill wife and forget the OW. Rainbows and pots of gold are NOT waiting for you if you divorce your wife and be with the OW. Take an objective view, take a step back and see this for what it is. 6
lemondrop21 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Mr Devlish, I suggest you genuinely try to answer some of the questions people are posting, if you intend to use this as an exercise in self-reflection, rather than just to vent. Regarding the "how does OP sleep through the night?" question, I don't think he's sleeping too well. At least he's here getting advice now; of course I agree it would have been better not to start the A. I agree that it was wrong to involve OW's child in this. I'm trying not to pass too much judgment on these boards... But it seems like OW is very vulnerable and not thinking clearly. As for posting her letter, I'd suggest not doing that in the future because if she were to put it word for word into google, or if w ever found this and googled it, it would come up and they would identify you. I also feel it's a violation of privacy to put someone else's words on display for the world without their consent - just my opinion. Regarding the letter's contents, I could have written them almost word for word in the heat of my time as an OW (aside from the details obviously). I never made my MM's wife out to be a monster in my mind, but some do, and now the fog is parting, the weight of what she's done is crashing down on her, etc. She wants there to be some overlooked detail that will make everything ok (turns out w is having an affair with her doctor!) but there won't be. Her mind is full of contradictions. She wants you, but at the same time doesn't want you to leave your sick wife who apparently is a lovely person, much to her surprise. There's no logic to affair-think. She has made the choice to be involved in this and she also made the choice to leave her fiancé. You don't owe her anything except taking action to resolve the situation now. Maybe that means going NC indefinitely, or maybe for a set amount of time to allow you to think... I don't know. People always recommend individual counseling and that would also be a step in the right direction, if you're willing. 5
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I love my wife but confused whether im in love with her. At the moment she is undergoing serious health issues so I cannot leave her. The OW I've only known for 9 months. I have deep feelings for her but whether its lust its still too early to say. I know the hurt i am causing to the OW and inevitably to my wife but I am so confused. You've allowed yourself to become too emotionally attached to another woman, you invested in her and let what feelings you had for your wife get pushed away and forgotten about. You're so focused on HOW the OW makes you feel, like crushy feelings and heart throbs, attraction and lust. All stuff ALL relationships begin with - Of course how can you compare that vs the love and care you have for your wife? One is in the heat of the moment, an affair, a lie ON the expense of your ill wife and the other is long lasting love that continues to grow with care throughout the marriage, a trust that's just there. You threw your innocence and trust away for this OW forever. If your wife wasn't sick you'd probably leave her, yes? If your wife ever finds this out and the ONLY reason why you're still with her is because of her illness, she's going to be devastated and hate/resent you for staying for that reason. Obligation and looking after her. Honestly, she'd be better off in the care of other family members or close friends who have her back 100 percent and care only about her, not someone else on the side (OW). Sorry that my words are harsh, you just need a huge wake up call before this blows up in your face. If your wife found out about this affair and kicked you out - would you go straight to the OW and file for divorce, setting your wife free so she can heal and find love again with someone else? Or would you beg your wife for forgiveness and want to stay married? Just things for you to think about. Playing with fire, people get burned, not only innocent people but even those making the choices. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I love my wife but confused whether im in love with her. At the moment she is undergoing serious health issues so I cannot leave her. I'm trying to figure out what kind of bond or commitment to a spouse requires your presence but not your fidelity ??? Important enough you stay but no so important that you stay faithful? I don't get it. And I think you've got it backwards. If you're going to continue with your OW, the humane thing to do would be to leave now... Mr. Lucky 7
jenkins95 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 (edited) I agree completely this reply. She is putting all the blame on you and making herself be like a victim. SHE KNEW you were married all along, she painted YOUR wife as the devil to justify getting involved with you. She also cannot blame you for HER DECISION to involve her daughter in this. Her kid never should have met you!! THAT'S on her, not you. This OW (who is engaged and he's in the army, away?) is far from innocent in all this and she's manipulative by that letter. Please, focus on taking care of your ill wife and forget the OW. Rainbows and pots of gold are NOT waiting for you if you divorce your wife and be with the OW. Take an objective view, take a step back and see this for what it is. MrD. Credit to you for posting her letter here on a public forum. You have laid yourself bare and opened yourself and your A up for scrutiny in doing that. Reading that letter brought tears to my eyes because it reminds me so much of what my OW said before the end of my A. Reading that letter must be very tough for you and it is a very brave move to post it here. You have shown me that you genuinely want help and advice in doing that. I agree with the reactions of posters like wmacbride and whichwayisup. Below are a few of my own reactions to certain sections (in bold) from the letter. Hope it helps................ Because it’s your fault I feel the way I do right now. So I shall hurl my abuse in your deserving direction. No. The fault is shared. You had no right to seek a relationship while you were married and she had no right to seek a relationship with a married man - it's equal. You told me you love me, and that was amazing, everything intensified once we got those three words out into the open. Ah!! That issue again! Those three words have a lot to answer for when these problems start to kick in during affairs! I (and other posters) have written a lot about this issue mainly on the OM/OW forum. But the basic crux of it seems to be that MM can say "I love you" just for the sheer joy of saying it. They are not lying, but equally they are not implying or promising or suggesting anything else in the utterance of those three words. They are just happy in that moment and share their joy with the very person that is causing that happiness. It starts and ends there - an expression of joy to be enjoyed in the moment. But for many OW, when they hear those words, everything changes. Suddenly the OW learns that the MM actually loves her. This is a game changer which must mean that he doesn't love his wife and he wants to be exclusively with her, right? No!! This huge misconception causes a LOT of heartache and misunderstanding - there is evidence of it all over the OW forum, where angry OW accuse MM of being evil manipulators in the usage of those three words. In most cases, they are not evil manipulators, they are just stupid men with their heads in the clouds living in the moment, enjoying and not thinking of the long-term consequences of what they are doing in general in having an affair, or what the usage of those three words will do to the mind of the OW. My own OW stated clearly at the end that she couldn't possibly understand how I could I love her and yet at the same time want to end the affair and reconcile my marriage. When I said "I love you", I meant it. But it changed nothing about the wider picture - classic MM thinking. You have never once given me any indication that you want to be with me, and only me. And that just makes me feel used and unloved. Actually, in all this mess, this is to your credit MrD. This tells me that you have not future faked and made false promises. I know it's horrible for you to read this from her and feel her hurt, but this is actually a positive. It's confusing to her, because you've told her you love her (see my point above), but this is much much better than MM who say they are leaving but keep on delaying and finding excuses not to......and ultimately never leave. I feel like the worst person in the world......here I am hoping her husband will leave her for me? It makes me feel sick to the stomach that I could think these things while she’s going through all this. What kind of a person am I? So she feels bad, and so she should because what she says is right. It is good to see her at least taking some responsibility and blame and owning her own selfish decisions. There is so much going on for you that I am not a part of. I want to be a part of your entire life - not just be in a compartment that you tell no one about. I don’t want to be your dirty little secret, I want to be your everything and I want to be able to share your entire life with you. I feel I deserve to be someone’s one and only. Don’t I? Doesn’t everyone? These three statements are not compatible with pursuing a married man for an illicit relationship. Yes, everyone does "deserve to be someone’s one and only", but the very last place to attain that goal is by pursuing a married man. That path leads only to guaranteed tears for someone - probably everyone. I feel like you’re just stringing me along. She needs to understand that she is in an affair, not a legitimate, exclusive relationship. What did she expect? ....if you have no intention of leaving your wife to be with me - then just tell me. I need honesty. Don’t let me wait around forever for something that is never going to happen. How is that fair to me? Or your wife for that matter? I want to move on with my life and find someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. If that’s not you, then please just tell me. OK, the business end of the letter. These last two statements lay it out clearly. She is telling you that if you can't commit to her 100%, then just let her know and let her go. It's clear in black and white. The ball is now in your court. From your posts, I can't believe that you can 100% commit to her. At best, you seem 50/50. By default, don't you therefore have to end it with the OW? She has asked you directly. Unless she is bluffing, I think that from what she says, if you honestly, compassionately and respectfully tell her that you are not in a position to leave your marriage and that you therefore have to end it, I think she would walk away. Yes, she would be devastated, but she would walk away and respect your decision. The problem is, if you continue to hesitate and delay and be indecisive, you may seriously p*** her off. She may go beyond the hurt stage she is at now and become angry, perhaps she may even go psycho. It does happen sometimes and evidence of it is to be found on these boards. Don't let it drag on. If you can't commit to her, let her go now. If you do decide to take that leap and go with the OW, you have to be 100% in. One of the most damaging, heartbreaking things we see on here is the MM who does leave, breaking everyone's heart in the process, but then he has doubts, changes his mind, goes back and breaks everyone's heart again - and maybe he then changes his mind again...and again....and again! When you make your decision, make sure it is a one and only final decision. I wish you all the best MrD. I know you are in a horrible place - it won't be forever like this. Keep posting! Edited June 3, 2016 by jenkins95 5
jenkins95 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 As for posting her letter, I'd suggest not doing that in the future because if she were to put it word for word into google, or if w ever found this and googled it, it would come up and they would identify you. I also feel it's a violation of privacy to put someone else's words on display for the world without their consent - just my opinion. That's actually a very good point lemon. I'm hoping perhaps the OP has in some way tweaked the wording to avoid it being matched on search engines, etc. Whilst it was a bold move and allows us as LS members to understand the full picture of his A better, I agree that it does carry risks and perhaps violates privacy. Perhaps it would have been better simply to summarise it for us. 2
Author MrDevlish Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 MrD. Credit to you for posting her letter here on a public forum. You have laid yourself bare and opened yourself and your A up for scrutiny in doing that. Reading that letter brought tears to my eyes because it reminds me so much of what my OW said before the end of my A. Reading that letter must be very tough for you and it is a very brave move to post it here. You have shown me that you genuinely want help and advice in doing that. I agree with the reactions of posters like wmacbride and whichwayisup. Below are a few of my own reactions to certain sections (in bold) from the letter. Hope it helps................ Because it’s your fault I feel the way I do right now. So I shall hurl my abuse in your deserving direction. No. The fault is shared. You had no right to seek a relationship while you were married and she had no right to seek a relationship with a married man - it's equal. You told me you love me, and that was amazing, everything intensified once we got those three words out into the open. Ah!! That issue again! Those three words have a lot to answer for when these problems start to kick in during affairs! I (and other posters) have written a lot about this issue mainly on the OM/OW forum. But the basic crux of it seems to be that MM can say "I love you" just for the sheer joy of saying it. They are not lying, but equally they are not implying or promising or suggesting anything else in the utterance of those three words. They are just happy in that moment and share their joy with the very person that is causing that happiness. It starts and ends there - an expression of joy to be enjoyed in the moment. But for many OW, when they hear those words, everything changes. Suddenly the OW learns that the MM actually loves her. This is a game changer which must mean that he doesn't love his wife and he wants to be exclusively with her, right? No!! This huge misconception causes a LOT of heartache and misunderstanding - there is evidence of it all over the OW forum, where angry OW accuse MM of being evil manipulators in the usage of those three words. In most cases, they are not evil manipulators, they are just stupid men with their heads in the clouds living in the moment, enjoying and not thinking of the long-term consequences of what they are doing in general in having an affair, or what the usage of those three words will do to the mind of the OW. My own OW stated clearly at the end that she couldn't possibly understand how I could I love her and yet at the same time want to end the affair and reconcile my marriage. When I said "I love you", I meant it. But it changed nothing about the wider picture - classic MM thinking. You have never once given me any indication that you want to be with me, and only me. And that just makes me feel used and unloved. Actually, in all this mess, this is to your credit MrD. This tells me that you have not future faked and made false promises. I know it's horrible for you to read this from her and feel her hurt, but this is actually a positive. It's confusing to her, because you've told her you love her (see my point above), but this is much much better than MM who say they are leaving but keep on delaying and finding excuses not to......and ultimately never leave. I feel like the worst person in the world......here I am hoping her husband will leave her for me? It makes me feel sick to the stomach that I could think these things while she’s going through all this. What kind of a person am I? So she feels bad, and so she should because what she says is right. It is good to see her at least taking some responsibility and blame and owning her own selfish decisions. There is so much going on for you that I am not a part of. I want to be a part of your entire life - not just be in a compartment that you tell no one about. I don’t want to be your dirty little secret, I want to be your everything and I want to be able to share your entire life with you. I feel I deserve to be someone’s one and only. Don’t I? Doesn’t everyone? These three statements are not compatible with pursuing a married man for an illicit relationship. Yes, everyone does "deserve to be someone’s one and only", but the very last place to attain that goal is by pursuing a married man. That path leads only to guaranteed tears for someone - probably everyone. I feel like you’re just stringing me along. She needs to understand that she is in an affair, not a legitimate, exclusive relationship. What did she expect? ....if you have no intention of leaving your wife to be with me - then just tell me. I need honesty. Don’t let me wait around forever for something that is never going to happen. How is that fair to me? Or your wife for that matter? I want to move on with my life and find someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. If that’s not you, then please just tell me. OK, the business end of the letter. These last two statements lay it out clearly. She is telling you that if you can't commit to her 100%, then just let her know and let her go. It's clear in black and white. The ball is now in your court. From your posts, I can't believe that you can 100% commit to her. At best, you seem 50/50. By default, don't you therefore have to end it with the OW? She has asked you directly. Unless she is bluffing, I think that from what she says, if you honestly, compassionately and respectfully tell her that you are not in a position to leave your marriage and that you therefore have to end it, I think she would walk away. Yes, she would be devastated, but she would walk away and respect your decision. The problem is, if you continue to hesitate and delay and be indecisive, you may seriously p*** her off. She may go beyond the hurt stage she is at now and become angry, perhaps she may even go psycho. It does happen sometimes and evidence of it is to be found on these boards. Don't let it drag on. If you can't commit to her, let her go now. If you do decide to take that leap and go with the OW, you have to be 100% in. One of the most damaging, heartbreaking things we see on here is the MM who does leave, breaking everyone's heart in the process, but then he has doubts, changes his mind, goes back and breaks everyone's heart again - and maybe he then changes his mind again...and again....and again! When you make your decision, make sure it is a one and only final decision. I wish you all the best MrD. I know you are in a horrible place - it won't be forever like this. Keep posting! Very well dissected and appreciated. The OW is headstrong and basically sees things as Black and White. Once she makes a decision she pretty much sticks to it. I on the other hand is the opposite. I saved the letter and have read it many times. I can feel her pain in the words 2
Cymbeline Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 'The problem is, if you continue to hesitate and delay and be indecisive, you may seriously p*** her off. She may go beyond the hurt stage she is at now and become angry, perhaps she may even go psycho. It does happen sometimes and evidence of it is to be found on these boards. Don't let it drag on. If you can't commit to her, let her go now.' His is a real possibility. My WH struggled with NC. Although he reiterated he didn't want to start it up again, his actions and words suggested otherwise - lots of love yous and miss yous and a couple of meetings when I was out of the country. The upshot was, she decided to help the decision along and sent me a nice selection of their correspondence. It was kind of horrible and kind of great for me, as Inreally wanted to understand the timbre of their affair, and it was very different from anything that would have occurred in our marriage. So though it was like watching a car crash it made me feel better. My WH, on the other hand was humiliated beyond belief. 5
jenkins95 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Very well dissected and appreciated. The OW is headstrong and basically sees things as Black and White. Once she makes a decision she pretty much sticks to it. I on the other hand is the opposite. I saved the letter and have read it many times. I can feel her pain in the words I have a very similar hand-written letter. I read it many times and it is very tear-stained. But I haven't looked for it for months now - it is stored safely away in a locker well away from my home. One day I hope to have the courage to burn it...but I'm not there yet. How are you feeling today, MrD? Credit to you for coming here and posting. I know you are getting a lot of heat from some posters, but almost everyone has your and your W's (and even the OW) best interest at heart. Many posters have been through what you are going through and many have been hurt by people like you and me. Like Mrs A often says, take the advice that is useful to you and ignore the rest. One step at a time, you will get there. 2
Author MrDevlish Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 That's actually a very good point lemon. I'm hoping perhaps the OP has in some way tweaked the wording to avoid it being matched on search engines, etc. Whilst it was a bold move and allows us as LS members to understand the full picture of his A better, I agree that it does carry risks and perhaps violates privacy. Perhaps it would have been better simply to summarise it for us. Now i am getting bit paranoid. Didnt think it was a big issue in sharing the letter but maybe in hindsight i shouldnt have
jenkins95 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Now i am getting bit paranoid. Didnt think it was a big issue in sharing the letter but maybe in hindsight i shouldnt have Well in reality, she is very unlikely to Google it word for word. One in 10,000 chance maybe! Just something to bear in mind when posting in future. Anyway, the letter is a few weeks old isn't it? It's not like it was written yesterday and is still fresh on her mind?
elaine567 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I can feel her pain in the words So can I, she obviously entered into this relationship taking you at your word, that you meant this to be a serious relationship and that you would ultimately leave your wife for her. She entered into this affair with a goal, she did not look at this as "a bit of fun" or because she was a bit bored or she hadn't had sex for a while and you were just there. She went into this thinking you felt the same way she did and that you were deadly serious in your intent She is sorely disappointed, because she believed in you, she believed that you two were star crossed lovers caught in a difficult situation but love would triumph in the end. Unfortunately she was wrong, so she is not going to keep playing the game any more without any commitment from you, and for that I commend her. Leave her alone, do not interact any further with her, all you will do is torture her further. Messing about and playing with her emotions will do you no favours here. Tell her the truth - you cannot leave your wife. Please let her move on with her life as cleanly as is possible under the circumstances. 6
lemondrop21 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 (edited) Well in reality, she is very unlikely to Google it word for word. One in 10,000 chance maybe! Just something to bear in mind when posting in future. Anyway, the letter is a few weeks old isn't it? It's not like it was written yesterday and is still fresh on her mind? True, it's very unlikely. The thought simply crossed my mind that AP might google the letter OR might go searching for a forum on affairs/infidelity, much like all of us have, and come across this letter, and then she'll know with certainty that Mr Devlish is you. This is part of the reason I've been motivated to not reveal too many details about my own A or to post correspondence... I cringe to think of xMM or his wife (if she found out) reading the highs and lows of my affair journey, since they were never the intended audience. But, I do take jenkins point that this helps us see into the mindset of your AP and give feedback accordingly. Edited June 3, 2016 by lemondrop21 1
Steen719 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I agree completely this reply. She is putting all the blame on you and making herself be like a victim. SHE KNEW you were married all along, she painted YOUR wife as the devil to justify getting involved with you. She also cannot blame you for HER DECISION to involve her daughter in this. Her kid never should have met you!! THAT'S on her, not you. This OW (who is engaged and he's in the army, away?) is far from innocent in all this and she's manipulative by that letter. Please, focus on taking care of your ill wife and forget the OW. Rainbows and pots of gold are NOT waiting for you if you divorce your wife and be with the OW. Take an objective view, take a step back and see this for what it is. Imho, this is like he told her he was going to rob a bank and wants her to do it with him. They will gain a lot of money and won't get caught. She agrees, they do it and get caught and she blames him because he asked her. If she is of normal intelligence and sound mind, she made the decision to rob that bank on her own. She could have said no. How many times have we all said no to things we know are not morally right or are stupid? Most women have been hit on numerous times at work. It is just a fact. Say no and move on. If you say yes, then how can you blame anyone but yourself? She knew he was married. She was engaged, for cripes sake. Tell me that neither one knew this was wrong? Come on! There was someone on these threads that did not know her MM was married when they started out. THAT can be used as an example of being able to blame someone for your actions. We are all adults here. If you want to blame someone else for your actions and people want to say that is OK, well, then there is your support. But, IMHO, we are all responsible for our own decisions. She is no more a victim than you are. 4
lemondrop21 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Just want to preface this by stating that I'm not "pro-leaving-for-the-AP" although people will assume I am because of being an OW. Reading and writing and reflecting on this board helps me process emotions about my own A, and more often than not reinforces the conclusion that my own xMM should likely stay in his marriage, at least for the time being. There are a lot of bad marriages out there, but one of the many problems with affairs is that they encourage hasty decision-making. I am pro-well-thought-out-decision-making. So, Mr Devlish - slow down. Breathe. Do what needs to be done for the time being, which is probably NC as much as is possible with OW, giving you time and space to get your head straight. Frankly if she is that in love with you, and you decide in 3 months or 6 months or a year that your marriage is not salvageable, I put it at an 80% chance that she's still available to you. If she's back with her fiance... well, then you should probably let it go at that stage. The way you describe your marriage in your original post seems like it could go either way. It's good you have a strong friendship, but did you feel reluctant or hesitant about the marriage initially, when your wife "pursued you" as you say? Or are you rewriting your marital history because of the A? Something to think about. People can fall in love with each other again or so I hear, so don't write off that possibility. But, like other posters, I'm also reacting against you staying with your wife out of duty due to the health crisis. I went through a major health issue alone in my early 20s and I feel it made me a stronger person; it was very tough and would have been nice to have someone around, but I would never want them to be there purely out of obligation. Also, your wife is in her early 30s, and childless. That's still quite young, and once her health has improved (assuming this isn't something terminal), she would have a VERY good chance of finding a new partner who adores her and is 100% into the marriage. Just some thoughts of mine, again I'm really not biased in either direction. 4
wmacbride Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Just want to preface this by stating that I'm not "pro-leaving-for-the-AP" although people will assume I am because of being an OW. Reading and writing and reflecting on this board helps me process emotions about my own A, and more often than not reinforces the conclusion that my own xMM should likely stay in his marriage, at least for the time being. There are a lot of bad marriages out there, but one of the many problems with affairs is that they encourage hasty decision-making. I am pro-well-thought-out-decision-making. So, Mr Devlish - slow down. Breathe. Do what needs to be done for the time being, which is probably NC as much as is possible with OW, giving you time and space to get your head straight. Frankly if she is that in love with you, and you decide in 3 months or 6 months or a year that your marriage is not salvageable, I put it at an 80% chance that she's still available to you. If she's back with her fiance... well, then you should probably let it go at that stage. The way you describe your marriage in your original post seems like it could go either way. It's good you have a strong friendship, but did you feel reluctant or hesitant about the marriage initially, when your wife "pursued you" as you say? Or are you rewriting your marital history because of the A? Something to think about. People can fall in love with each other again or so I hear, so don't write off that possibility. But, like other posters, I'm also reacting against you staying with your wife out of duty due to the health crisis. I went through a major health issue alone in my early 20s and I feel it made me a stronger person; it was very tough and would have been nice to have someone around, but I would never want them to be there purely out of obligation. Also, your wife is in her early 30s, and childless. That's still quite young, and once her health has improved (assuming this isn't something terminal), she would have a VERY good chance of finding a new partner who adores her and is 100% into the marriage. Just some thoughts of mine, again I'm really not biased in either direction. There are some good points here. Does your bs have a good support system with friends, family or professional support that she can lean on when she needs it? This is so important, no matter whether you choose your M or the ow. 1
gemini6 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 And don’t forget that my daughter is involved. She’s gotten to know you, and the longer this goes on, the more emotionally involved she becomes. How is it fair on her if you are just dragging this out as long as I’ll let you? She deserves better than that and so do I. And now this addition to the situation, with your wife being unwell. I feel like the worst person in the world. I had conveniently made her out to be this horrible, evil person in my head - but now it becomes so clear to me that she isn’t. She’s going through something which I’m sure is quite traumatic, and no one should have to go through that, and here I am hoping her husband will leave her for me? It makes me feel sick to the stomach that I could think these things while she’s going through all this. What kind of a person am I? OH GAG!! This is so obvious the "ultimatum" play...pick her or she's done. I have to say this woman is a piece of work. Guilt tripping you for "stringing her along". As if she was unaware that you had a wife and a life at home. She knowingly inserted herself into your marriage and now wants to give you an ultimatum, throw some blame and guilt in the mix hoping you will choose to be with her...typical and despicable. She asks "what kind of person am I?" You should probably ask that yourself - what kind of person is she? - that you are willing to throw away your wife for? A liar, a cheater, a manipulative, and quite narcissistic dirt bag. YIKES! IF YOU paid half of the attention you are giving the OW to your wife, you'd be head over heels in love with her again...it's all in YOUR head, where your thoughts are, is where your heart will always be. You can feed the A or you can feed your marriage - the grass is greener where you water it! The OW broke off her engagement, is taking her daughter's father away from her, turning him into a "part-time" dad - while he serves his country, no less. AND has the gall to use that little girl in order to "win the game". Yeah, you should definitely leave your wife for that!! 1
Author MrDevlish Posted June 3, 2016 Author Posted June 3, 2016 Now that I have a bit more time, I would like to fill in bit more of the story and answer some of the questions that has already been raised and put forth by the generous members of this forum. I think when we first got into the affair, we were both bit lonely and looking for a bit of excitement. We were very attracted to one another and the work function allowed us to break the ice. My wife was traveling alot at the time for work purposes, and her fiance, who is not 'serving the country' was overseas waiting for a visa to be approved. The affair did start prior to my wife finding out about her illness, and the letter the OW wrote was after I told her about it, and after a week of NC. We currently have no children, and the illness that my wife has means that we wont be able to have any until another five years. I consider myself a person of empathy to other people, and in my past relationships I have never been the one that ended it. I know what I'm doing is selfish and find myself compartmentalizing my life with my wife and the OW. I'm surprised after posting the letter the backlash the OW has received. Maybe because I have posted it this section and not in the OW/OM thread.
gemini6 Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 I'm surprised after posting the letter the backlash the OW has received. Maybe because I have posted it this section and not in the OW/OM thread. That's because you are too blinded to see the manipulation and selfish, me me me that is in it. Yes, the OM/OW board can probably relate more to how the OW feels, as the BS here have little sympathy for a person who knowingly and willingly involves themselves with a MM..you just don't go there. However, as I said before...you really should just leave your wife and ride off into the sunset with the OW..I mean, you can't seem to "let her go" so....at the very least, quit being a coward and let your wife go so that she can find a man that will be respectful and loyal to their relationship. She deserves that doesn't she? She deserves happiness and romance and passion, hell she deserves hot kinky sex, someone that loves to be around her laugh, her smile, someone who can't get enough of her..at least move out of the way so that she has a chance at it! 5
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 The first thing I see in all of your answers is that you are undecided. And if you want us to tell you want to do and what is right... You already know the answer. I have not been the other woman... But I have been the betrayer. My reconciliation is based on truth... I could have lost my family... But I also knew that I needed to be honest with my husband... I had lied enough. I don't know your wife... I don't know what her response might be.. I knew divorce was probably the answer my husband would choose... But he didn't. Telling your wife is the right thing to do.. For many reasons. One of which gives her the power to make the best decision for herself. I know she is sick... But let's say two years from now ... She is better... And you have stayed and kept quiet... But this is still between the two of you.. And now she finds out. She will forever believe you only stayed because she is sick... Not because you wanted her. Now I do believe you should not tell her until you have sorted out your feelings about her. You need to be sure you love her and you want to stay because you cannot picture your life without her. I don't believe by the things you have written that you love the other woman... I think right now... You love yourself the most. We do that... We place ourselves above everyone else. Which is how we give ourselves permission to cheat. We deserve it don't we? I mean after all... We are what's important... So to hell with everybody else. We place our needs and our wants above everything and everybody. We use others to get exactly what we deserve. We step on their feelings and needs. We stab our most loyal and faithful friend in the back... And we twist that knife. And then somehow we come back to our senses ... We look at the destruction we have caused... And we are frightened and overwhelmed that we could become that person... And how do we undo all the destruction we have caused. Some folks get it... Some take a long time to get it and some never do. And because we just want this all to be over... We say stupid things like.. Why can't you just get over this? Classic You don't get over infidelity... Ever You don't get past it You learn to live with it. And you do that whether you reconcile or divorce. You are undecided... Your wife is sick... Your girlfriend is pressuring you... And right now... You just want all this to go away. Welcome to reality...time to pay the piper. Honesty is the first step... Take a look in the mirror and look at the man staring back at you. Look into his eyes... Now look into his heart. This is who you have become... Now how do you fix it? 7
calmb4thestorm Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 Take a look in the mirror and look at the man staring back at you. Look into his eyes... Now look into his heart. This is who you have become... This is me. Makes me want to cry some days. Good look OP. 2
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 3, 2016 Posted June 3, 2016 This is me. Makes me want to cry some days. Good look OP. I know hon.. Some days it is me too. But the reality is... We can only change and make things better if we are honest about who we have become. 3
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