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Being Unavailable

WhirlwindGuy

By WhirlwindGuy
in General Relationship Discussion

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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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Well if she is saying you are being too available (jokingly) she is pretty much letting you know not to invest in this too much because she is still looking....

 

I think it means he is suffocating her and if he doesn't stop it, she's likely to get turned off.

 

She is letting him know she needs more space, which I actually think is a good thing (her letting him know).

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WhirlwindGuy Established Member

WhirlwindGuy

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I think it means he is suffocating her and if he doesn't stop it, she's likely to get turned off.

 

She is letting him know she needs more space, which I actually think is a good thing (her letting him know).

 

My thoughts too, hence asking about how to do it in this thread.

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WhirlwindGuy Established Member

WhirlwindGuy

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1 month in, sexually active, spend 4 days a week together, it's more than time to talk exclusivity.

 

 

 

I chickened out this weekend and didn't bring it up. We had an amazing time though, really spent a lot of time just hanging out on the beach and talking about past, present and future. Had great dinners, hanging out on the dock bar and listening to music. Some of my friends happened to be in the same town we were and we all got together Saturday on my friends boat, then went dancing. Was just a really good time.

 

 

I guess at some point I decided to just let it go and perhaps it will happen naturally?

 

 

I disabled my online accounts so I have no desire to check her activity. I know where I am at, I think she has given me many clues as to where she is at as well. I know I shouldn't assume, but I guess im just wanting things to develop naturally and not force anything.

 

 

Bad idea?

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Bad idea?

 

Well....

 

As someone who's done a ton of online dating, and someone who's been played more than her fair share, I don't leave anything in the assumption zone anymore.

 

If you are afraid to chase her away with an exclusivity talk then maybe it's because you know you don't 'got her'.

 

So sure you deleted your profile so you cannot check if she is still on there any longer. I personally think it's shooting yourself in the foot. While you are getting more and more attached she may be browsing more and more on there. You're setting yourself for a much bigger heart-break.

 

In a month time when a friend of yours or a colleague of yours tell you they saw your GF on a dating site.....how will you respond, how will you feel.

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WhirlwindGuy Established Member

WhirlwindGuy

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Well....

 

As someone who's done a ton of online dating, and someone who's been played more than her fair share, I don't leave anything in the assumption zone anymore.

 

If you are afraid to chase her away with an exclusivity talk then maybe it's because you know you don't 'got her'.

 

So sure you deleted your profile so you cannot check if she is still on there any longer. I personally think it's shooting yourself in the foot. While you are getting more and more attached she may be browsing more and more on there. You're setting yourself for a much bigger heart-break.

 

In a month time when a friend of yours or a colleague of yours tell you they saw your GF on a dating site.....how will you respond, how will you feel.

 

 

 

Believe me, the thought has crossed my mind. She is different than anyone I've dated before, and for some reason, she throws me off of my relationship game a little. I feel like I usually come from a position of power, know where I am in a relationship, etc. With her, I don't. I feel like "the woman" I guess...terrible to say, but you know the typical dynamic.

 

 

She is admittedly slow, to a fault. She has issues attaching due to a number of traumatic experiences in her past. She doesn't warm up quick. Isnt overly affectionate. I guess I just worry about ruining what would other wise be a good thing, by trying to move too fast.

 

 

We wrapped up our weekend this morning and I asked when I was going to see her again. She asked me if I wanted to come back after work, so I just left my suitcase there and am going back in a little while.

 

 

Maybe I should just bite the bullet and bring it up this evening. If it turns out she balks and things go south, well it is probably better to learn it now, rather than later. I feel myself getting more attached and falling for this girl...probably better to find out now, where we stand.

 

 

I considered writing an email today, mostly because I'm much better at expressing myself in writing than in person. I'm sure these conversations are better had in person though.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I considered writing an email today, mostly because I'm much better at expressing myself in writing than in person. I'm sure these conversations are better had in person though.

 

no no no no no no nooooooooo !!!

 

No email !

 

You're making this a much bigger deal than it is.

 

Do this in person, you need to see her expression and body language.

 

Just ask her how she feels about dating each other exclusively, nothing more complicated than that. Don't make it about being a couple and commitment and stuff........JUST What do you think of us dating exclusively? and listen. She may say not now, it takes her longer, she may say she'd love to, then decide if you can live with her answer.

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WhirlwindGuy Established Member

WhirlwindGuy

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no no no no no no nooooooooo !!!

 

No email !

 

You're making this a much bigger deal than it is.

 

Do this in person, you need to see her expression and body language.

 

Just ask her how she feels about dating each other exclusively, nothing more complicated than that. Don't make it about being a couple and commitment and stuff........JUST What do you think of us dating exclusively? and listen. She may say not now, it takes her longer, she may say she'd love to, then decide if you can live with her answer.

 

 

 

How would you interpret a "lets not jump the gun, just take things slow" type of response?

 

 

Should I cut the chord at that point? We have spent a ton of time together, traveled together, etc. My thinking is, if she isn't ready now, what is she holding out for?

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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How would you interpret a "lets not jump the gun, just take things slow" type of response?

 

 

Should I cut the chord at that point? We have spent a ton of time together, traveled together, etc. My thinking is, if she isn't ready now, what is she holding out for?

 

 

Has she ever told you something similar to don't jump the gun?

 

This from your last post: She is admittedly slow, to a fault. She has issues attaching due to a number of traumatic experiences in her past. She doesn't warm up quick. Isnt overly affectionate

 

Did she admit to all this to you ?Look at it this way. You are already acting like GF-BF right? you spend a lot of time together, stay at each others place, you travel together, meet each others friends so what would be the difference if you were exclusive? Nothing would be different so why would she refuse that? ....unless she does not feel you are the one and you're Mr. Right-now and she wants to keep on looking. And take things slow? If you want to take things slow you don't spend 4 nights a week with each other, agree?

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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She is admittedly slow, to a fault. She has issues attaching due to a number of traumatic experiences in her past. She doesn't warm up quick. Isnt overly affectionate. I guess I just worry about ruining what would other wise be a good thing, by trying to move too fast.

 

Something just dawn on me...how long she had been single when she met you? She sounds like a typical woman not over her ex or someone.

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WhirlwindGuy Established Member

WhirlwindGuy

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Something just dawn on me...how long she had been single when she met you? She sounds like a typical woman not over her ex or someone.

 

 

 

She says her last relationship ended around 8 months before me. It ended rather abruptly apparently and lasted around 1.5 years. Apparently her ex told her, "I was going to ask you to marry me, but I changed my mind and I think we should break up" and that was that...I didn't ask her to expand on the story, but sounds kind of harsh. Her dad also died tragically when she was very young, and her sister died in a similar fashion when she was in her 20s. I get the affection, attachment, etc. issues. I cant imagine how hard that stuff would be to process.

 

 

I agree also about the fact that we are already acting like BF / GF. The only thing that would change is that we would agree to delete the online dating stuff and not see anyone else.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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How active is she on the dating site? She might be on other sites as well.

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WhirlwindGuy Established Member

WhirlwindGuy

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How active is she on the dating site? She might be on other sites as well.

 

 

 

Fairly certain she isn't on any other sites, but there is a chance im wrong. We've had very open and candid conversations about dating early on, and she said she had never tried any other site than OKC.

 

 

Before last Thursday she was on at least once a day. Then again, so was I, to check and see if she had been on...so there is perhaps that, or maybe she is really trying to keep her options open.

 

 

That worries me some, considering the amount of time we have invested and the conversations we have had.

 

 

She has talked about our pets having to get used to each other eventually

 

 

She has talked about her not making as much money as me, and not being able to take time off when she wanted and that I shouldn't worry, she is working on finding another job so we can travel more later.

 

 

We've talked about taking her family to the water park this summer and me introducing myself to them

 

 

Our next trip to the beach

 

 

Etc etc...

 

 

I thought maybe, she was just using me for money, but she often insists on paying for things and refuses me to buy...

 

 

so I couldn't imagine she isn't being sincere here. Being active online does concern me though, and Im having a hard time ignoring it, in spite of all of the real life signs.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I have advice this more than once and members who've done it got their answer instantly.

 

Make a fake profile and go talk to her. You'll be set.

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WhirlwindGuy Established Member

WhirlwindGuy

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I have advice this more than once and members who've done it got their answer instantly.

 

Make a fake profile and go talk to her. You'll be set.

 

 

 

I think that's kinda too "gamey" for me...im typically more straight forward than that, but I get where you are coming from.

 

 

So one final update on this:

 

 

I spoke to her yesterday about being exclusive and not dating anyone else. She said that she had just deleted her OKC profile at lunch yesterday, before I brought it up. She continued to say that her and I have different ideas on what "dating exclusively" means. For her, it means introducing me to her family, close friends, etc as her boyfriend. She said she is not ready for that yet. I told her that's fine, we will get there. I told her that I would like for us to just be seeing each other, and that's it for now. I asked her if she was OK with that. She said she was not actively seeking anyone out, and had deleted her profile. I asked if she was currently talking to anyone else. She said she was, but she was not seeing them. I asked if she would be willing to break it off with whomever it was. She said yes, she was working on doing that now.

 

 

We talked about where we felt we were at in the relationship, and if she was happy. She said she was, but still had concerns about long term compatibility. Her concerns are that our personalities are different. I am more emotional, expressive, etc. She is quiet, calm, reserved...sometimes cold. I told her that I recognized that too, but that I felt we helped each other even out a bit. She helps me relax and I help her be more expressive. I think over time it will work, as we balance each other out a bit.

 

 

So for now, we are exclusive, but not quite to the point of calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend.

SunnyWeather Established Member

SunnyWeather

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I have advice this more than once and members who've done it got their answer instantly.

 

Make a fake profile and go talk to her. You'll be set.

 

oh boy, I have experience with this and can say that I wish I hadn't done that- why trouble trouble? The beginning of a blossoming relationship is so delicate, rife with projections and fears mixed in an intoxicating cocktail of hormonal palpitations; let it develop at its own pace.

 

I'm glad you chose not to make a fake profile or use a friend to spy, I felt so seedy when I did that- it was baiting and had the potential to blow up what has become a very special love affair.

 

The diff with my situation, however is we both deleted our accounts together at the nearly 2 month point, after having a more detailed discussion on what being exclusive means. For us, we consider each other BF and GF and are monogamous.

 

Every couple is different, and discovering what works and feels right for both parties is very important, and realizing it is a fluid situation. As new issues emerge, more communication about what each other needs and wants becomes an ongoing narrative. It's so hot when a new level of understanding and commitment is experienced :love:

Edited by SunnyWeather
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I asked her if she was OK with that. She said she was not actively seeking anyone out, and had deleted her profile.

That's a weak answer. She is not actively seeking anyone but she is still seeking, just not actively. Which means she did not accept your offer to not seek others while dating.

 

I asked if she was currently talking to anyone else. She said she was, but she was not seeing them. I asked if she would be willing to break it off with whomever it was. She said yes, she was working on doing that now.

You practically had to pull it out of her and still she answers vaguely with 'she is working on it'. Another way to phrase things for someone who does not want to simply answer 'Yes'.

 

If i were you I would not call yourself exclusive just yet. She did not say YES to any of your request.

 

Dear, that's poor, that's really poor from a woman that spends 4 days a week with you. I don't see a happy ending here. I see a woman that is wanting companionship without the relationship. Sorry.

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WhirlwindGuy Established Member

WhirlwindGuy

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That's a weak answer. She is not actively seeking anyone but she is still seeking, just not actively. Which means she did not accept your offer to not seek others while dating.

 

You practically had to pull it out of her and still she answers vaguely with 'she is working on it'. Another way to phrase things for someone who does not want to simply answer 'Yes'.

 

If i were you I would not call yourself exclusive just yet. She did not say YES to any of your request.

 

Dear, that's poor, that's really poor from a woman that spends 4 days a week with you. I don't see a happy ending here. I see a woman that is wanting companionship without the relationship. Sorry.

 

 

Well im paraphrasing and using my own words a bit, but the just of the story was:

 

 

  • She deleted her OKC account and is no longer active there.
  • She has orbiters, but is currently breaking it off with them.
  • She isn't ready to be "BF and GF" but is getting there.
  • She understands my request to be "exclusive" and agrees with it.

sc0316 Established Member

sc0316

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Well im paraphrasing and using my own words a bit, but the just of the story was:

 

 

  • She deleted her OKC account and is no longer active there.
  • She has orbiters, but is currently breaking it off with them.
  • She isn't ready to be "BF and GF" but is getting there.
  • She understands my request to be "exclusive" and agrees with it.

 

Sounds like a "no" to me.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Well, it's over...she dumped me out of the blue today.

 

Posted here

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/584531-romantic-sense

 

I'm floored...

 

I am very sorry for your disappointment. It's not a surprise to me. Honey, when someone keeps his/profile online ( does not matter how much time they spend with you) it's a dead give away what ever they do with you is to kill time.

 

Again very sorry.

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Sminny10 New Member

Sminny10

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It's the same advice given to women, be a challenge, don't be too available etc. don't worry about it! Just live your life, be happy and if you meet someone you like let them know and ask to see them as much as feels right to you, if it's too much/little they will say something. Just be yourself and be honest and don't give thugs up for them. Simples. If all the women are playing hard to get and so are the men how does anyone get together!

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WhirlwindGuy Established Member

WhirlwindGuy

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I am very sorry for your disappointment. It's not a surprise to me. Honey, when someone keeps his/profile online ( does not matter how much time they spend with you) it's a dead give away what ever they do with you is to kill time.

 

Again very sorry.

 

 

 

I appreciate it. What is strange is since this happened, she has not re-enabled her dating profile, its still disabled.

 

 

I asked her straight up if this was because she was seeing someone else and she told me "no, I canceled my dating profile that day you brought it up." She said she canceled it before I brought it up.

 

 

I asked her if it was that she wasn't attracted to me...she said no, not at all, she was very attracted to me. She said she loved spending time with me, it felt so good and was so fun...W T F!

 

I don't get how we went from making plans for the week that very day, having a great time, talking, sharing, sex...to 10 minutes later, im not feeling it, you should go...How we went from her inviting me over 3 or 4 days a week (or more sometimes) to "im not feeling we connect on a romantic level!"

 

 

It is a complete mindf*ck for me...im still reeling about it. I want to call her and ask her to meet and talk through this. I know it probably wont solve anything, but I just feel like there has to be some sort of answer for this bizzaro stuff...

 

 

I really hate that just as I am starting to fall for this girl, feel comfortable and relaxed like it is going to be OK...she yanks the rug out from under me. It really starts shaking your ability to trust. I am tired of being people's emotional rag doll.

Edited by WhirlwindGuy
sc0316 Established Member

sc0316

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There can be a million reasons. Maybe she's looking for someone with a lot of $$ like your dentist ex.

 

I appreciate it. What is strange is since this happened, she has not re-enabled her dating profile, its still disabled.

 

 

I asked her straight up if this was because she was seeing someone else and she told me "no, I canceled my dating profile that day you brought it up." She said she canceled it before I brought it up.

 

 

I asked her if it was that she wasn't attracted to me...she said no, not at all, she was very attracted to me. She said she loved spending time with me, it felt so good and was so fun...W T F!

 

I don't get how we went from making plans for the week that very day, having a great time, talking, sharing, sex...to 10 minutes later, im not feeling it, you should go...How we went from her inviting me over 3 or 4 days a week (or more sometimes) to "im not feeling we connect on a romantic level!"

 

 

It is a complete mindf*ck for me...im still reeling about it. I want to call her and ask her to meet and talk through this. I know it probably wont solve anything, but I just feel like there has to be some sort of answer for this bizzaro stuff...

 

 

I really hate that just as I am starting to fall for this girl, feel comfortable and relaxed like it is going to be OK...she yanks the rug out from under me. It really starts shaking your ability to trust. I am tired of being people's emotional rag doll.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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It looks like she was filling a void with you. An ex boyfriend maybe? a disappointment she went through before meeting you. At first you were a great distraction but after a month she realized the void is still there.

 

All the elements are there, the profile still up, avoiding exclusivity, lots of time spent together then suddenly after 1 month she has a huge change of heart. It's text book 'not available' yet to invest herself.

 

You cannot talk her into getting back together. You don't talk people in being into you. Sorry. If someone does not want to be in your life...let them leave.

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