I never thought I'd be here

[thwack]

She basically completed the weight loss twice. The first time was several years ago, when she lost the weight on her own. After that she got excess skin removal surgery. But then she gained most of the weight back again. That's when she decided she needed VSG surgery to really keep the weight off. And she "completed" that weight loss just in the past month or two. Her personal goal was about 5 pounds above her recommended weight because she didn't want to look like just skin and bones. But then the stress of breaking the news to me caused her to lose another 8 pounds in a week without even trying.

 

I get what you're saying, and I can believe that happens a lot. But I thought my wife was atypical.

[GorillaTheater]

As recently as it's been, I'm betting that's part of the puzzle and Carrie's right: 90% chance of another man or at least the thought of another man.

 

 

I'm sorry guy; this is soul-shredding stuff. The best reaction/frame of mind you could have at this juncture is to wish her well, get the divorce started, and move on. That may wake her up, but it likely won't and in any event it's the best course of action for you, and at this point the only person looking out for you is yourself.

[Mrin]

Advice: Women say they are "done" in a marriage two ways: 1) screaming at the top of their lungs and 2) calmly and after a great deal of contemplation. The first usually doesn't mean they're done. It is just in the heat of the moment. The second - ya, that's pretty certain and not savable. Sorry to say it but barring any sort of BPD at work, she's really done.

 

Another Story: OP, it doesn't sound like you want to hear that she's found another guy. That's cool - we might be pounding a square peg into a round hole on that one. But it seems like you're still searching for answers - to make meaning behind her actions. So I offer you this other story that doesn't involve another man. Try it on and see how it feels.

 

You wife has always been good at setting and achieving goals. She built a nice career and a nice job for herself. But she's always struggled with her weight and the corresponding body image issues that come with it. In her 20's she would fluctuate up and down but as she got into her 30's the weight wouldn't come off. She was in a string of relationships that didn't work out and throughout all of them she kept gaining weight. She found herself in her early 30's overweight and suffering from a poor self image. Her friends were all married and starting families. Something was missing in her life. And then there was you. You were "safe". You accepted her for how she was. Facing dimming dating prospects and not wanting to be the sad lonely fat girl, she decided to date you. And it did indeed feel comfortable and safe.

 

Time went by and you guys started thinking about getting married. Maybe she wanted the option of having kids some day. You seemed like a safe bet. Reliable. Always there. You wouldn't leave her. So you two got married. But she didn't feel happy. Truly happy inside. She decided, like she always does, to do something about it. Something permanent this time.

 

So she lost a ton of weight and to make sure it stayed off she got the surgery. Had to give up any dreams she secretly harbored of having kids for that surgery. She felt great but she still wasn't happy. So she took up running and exercising. Ran a half marathon. Totally crushed that. Can you imagine going from obese to running a half marathon? What an accomplishment! Now she's training for a full marathon. If she can go from obese to that - wow, that's really something!

 

But she still wasn't happy. Not really happy. Something was missing. So you guys bought a house. Maybe that would fix it. But it didn't. In fact, it made her feel even more trapped. And she started to face the one thing she didn't want to face - maybe the problem wasn't her. Maybe the problem was you.

 

You were like those old clothes she "shrunk" out of. At one point she liked them. Now they repulse her. And the more she thinks about you, you are this boat anchor of a husband. No ambition. No goals. You show up very passive in the relationship. She has to be the "man". She feels to powerful now in her new body with her new fitness. She feels like she can take on the world - and win. But she's lugging you around. You don't inspire her. You don't attack life like she does. You don't take care of her in a typical feminine/masculine dynamic.

 

And the thought of being married to you - trapped in this relationship for the rest of her life is soul crushing to her. She knows she wants more. A lot more. For once in her life she feels powerful and amazing in her own skin. She saw what her sister did and she worries that someday she might just do the same thing. She knows she couldn't live with herself if she did. But resents you for being married to you that would put her in a situation like that.

 

So, what to do? Get rid of your marriage. Then she'll be happy - truly happy. Free to make mistakes. Free to explore her life as the new her. She's almost 40. She needs to act now because she hears that meeting men is much harder after 40 for women. Not that she wants another man. Just that she wants the freedom to do so if she so chooses.

 

You are, in some ways, just like the weight she lost. Except you're still here.

 

That's harsh I know. But that's a midlife crisis for you. If that in any way feels correct, then you have to conclude that there is no saving this. At least not while you're still living together. The only way to save this would be to reinvent yourself. But you can't do that living together.

 

Best of luck OP!

[thwack]

Mrin, you definitely hit the nail square on the head. You should get paid handsomely as a life analyst.

 

With the exception of kids... she never wanted them. And she's depressed every time she hears of a woman older than her having a healthy pregnancy. I think she wants to be past that point, biologically, to justify an abortion if that ever comes up. Heck, she'd probably donate her uterus today if that was realistic.

 

I would love to reinvent myself. I definitely recognize that I'm a loser in all the ways you identified. Maybe the book I'm reading will help. Or my therapist. Any other suggestions are welcome.

[Mrin]

Mrin, you definitely hit the nail square on the head. You should get paid handsomely as a life analyst.

 

With the exception of kids... she never wanted them. And she's depressed every time she hears of a woman older than her having a healthy pregnancy. I think she wants to be past that point, biologically, to justify an abortion if that ever comes up. Heck, she'd probably donate her uterus today if that was realistic.

 

I would love to reinvent myself. I definitely recognize that I'm a loser in all the ways you identified. Maybe the book I'm reading will help. Or my therapist. Any other suggestions are welcome.

 

Oh good! I was worried you might take that the wrong way. Okay, as for your loser comment... let's unpack that a bit. "I am a loser in all the ways you identified". Let's just take that as truth for a moment - you are a loser.

 

You know what's great about that statement? The "are". That's present tense. Not future. Not past. Just the present. The present is all that exists. Think about that for a second. The present is the only thing that is real. The future doesn't exist. The past isn't "real" anymore. It is in the past. Behind you. All that matter is who you are being right f***ing now.

 

It is really hard to make a change when you live in the past (you can't change that) or in the future (you don't know what it will be - it is 100% supposition). Who can actually change when you live your life there? It is impossible.

 

So what if you lived your life in the present? Today. The Right Now. Want to be a different person? The be that different person. Want to act differently? Then act differently. Right now. To paraphrase Gandhi, be the change you want in your life.

 

Just be sure it is the change you want. Not what she wants. Be who you really want to be. Start today. Start at the end of this sentence.

 

There are lots of great self help resources out there and it sound like you're reading a book. Good for you. Consider going to a personal development session or watching videos. The Landmark Forum or Tony Robbins can be pretty life changing.

 

Anyhow, good on you mate. You'll get through this and maybe even emerge for the better.

[gemini6]

First Thwack - you are NOT a loser. 2nd, you really need to quit stroking her ego - I mean damn! Her ego is already off the charts and you being all mopey and miserable only makes her think that she made the right decision!

I hate to say it, and because you are so deep in love with her you might not like this, but she sounds like a real bitch. It's all about her and what she might be missing out on She is probably having an emotional affair with someone at work - check out her text messages and email - come back and let me know what you find - the new guy is stroking her ego, YOU are stroking her ego, and she really thinks she is hot to trot right now and can do no wrong - GAG ME!

So, you need to do the 180 ( it's pinned at the top of this bored under "critical readings") PLEASE read it! You're therapist thinks it's best to wallow in depression? NO! I totally disagree with that nonsense - I swear, how do these people even get a damn degree?? Grrrrr!

NO MORE WALLOWING IN SELF PITY! Get up, clean up, get some new clothes on, get a hair cut and get out of the house!!! Go do something you enjoy doing and put her out of your mind for a few hours! Work out, go hiking, go kayaking, golfing, mountain climbing, something!! Kick boxing, running, something that is physical and sweaty! You NEED the endorphins that get released from physical activity!

My H was totally against cheating, was cheated on before me and abhorred any kind of infidelity...he also never worked late or went anywhere out of the ordinary - his affair partner was a co-worker who was also married which is why they couldn't see each other after working hours, but the texting and email messages were non-stop all day long so....yes, she is probably just a selfish hypocrite that thinks she isn't "cheating" because she hasn't done the deed with him yet...it's called an emotional affair, and it will burn a marriage into ashes - "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you"? Yeah, I got that one. She's got her eye on another man and you crying over her is only pushing her away from you - you need to turn the tables and tell her to kick rocks!

You know, instead of proving her right - you're a loser and she can do so much better than you - you need to prove her wrong! Actually, tell her that YOU can do better then HER! Be exactly the man she wants - only you don't want her! Prove her wrong, the grass is NOT greener and she will learn that! Think about it - do you really want a woman that can so easily just throw you away?? NOPE! Tell her to go choke on the greener grass!

Edited June 1, 2016 by gemini6

[thwack]

gemini6, I'm trying to remain open-minded but I think Mrin is closer to the mark.

 

I do agree with you on the general idea that I need to detach myself from her. Maybe not for the reasons you said, but for my own good.

 

My therapist didn't say to wallow in depression... just to face my emotions and not try to avoid them. If I'm feeling depressed I need to get through that in my own time.

 

She doesn't have a cell phone (yet) so there are no texts to look over. And I don't have access to her e-mails. I would never snoop anyway though. That would make me feel like an even bigger a*****e than anyone I dug up dirt on.

 

I will try the physical activity thing. Heck, even just mowing the lawn with the push mower is physical and sweaty enough to get endorphins going. Unfortunately it also makes me need something I can't get from her anymore.

 

I need to figure out what I enjoy doing on my own. I'm pretty boring in that area. I enjoyed doing anything and everything with her. I'm Imani Izzi in Coming to America. Except my wife loves cheese and I'm lactose intolerant.

[KBarletta]

Thwack, so much of what you wrote could have come from me, 18 months ago. My wife walked away after 10 years with no explanation, claiming that there was nobody else, and saying she had thought about it for about a year but didn't want to discuss her feelings with me over that time hoping it would just "go away."

 

Of course, months after D-day, I discovered that most of what she claimed in her walk-away speech was concocted and that she had been seeing someone else for months. Never did I get the truth from her lips, however, I had to find it out on my own. Not that it mattered in the end, the bottom line is she was done and I had to move on.

 

The sooner you reach that conclusion, the better. Job one for you is to stop putting her to a pedestal and rebuild your own confidence. Check out the 180 - it should offer some healthy tips on remaking your life. And seeing the therapist is a huge step. Keep it up. Keep working on you and making yourself into a person you want to be, someone you respect.

 

It's going to get better, that much I assure you. It will take time and effort on your part, but it WILL get better.

 

Keep posting, I wish you luck.

 

KTB

[thwack]

But it seems like you're still searching for answers - to make meaning behind her actions. So I offer you this other story that doesn't involve another man. Try it on and see how it feels.

 

With clearance from my therapist, I shared your other story with my wife. She was moved to tears. She says you articulated everything better than she could, and that helped me understand and sympathize with her decision. She says some of the words you used to describe me were more harsh than what she would have chosen, but the sentiment was still correct.

 

She wanted to give you a hug to thank you. She gave it to me instead. This will definitely help us through our amicable separation.

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[Mrin]

With clearance from my therapist, I shared your other story with my wife. She was moved to tears. She says you articulated everything better than she could, and that helped me understand and sympathize with her decision. She says some of the words you used to describe me were more harsh than what she would have chosen, but the sentiment was still correct.

 

She wanted to give you a hug to thank you. She gave it to me instead. This will definitely help us through our amicable separation.

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

 

Ah man, thank you for this. I just had a horrific day at work and it made me smile to know that I could be of some service to you and your wife.

 

Honestly - I'm really happy to hear you're going through with a separation. As tough as it may sound, it is really hard to reinvent yourself when you are living together in a marriage. Just ask your wife. A little distance can work wonders.

 

If I could be so bold as to make a few other suggestions to try on...

 

1. Once you get through all the logistics of separation, I would suggest spending some time really focusing on you. Just you. In one sense you're really lucky - I know right? Did Mrin just say that? Okay, let me explain. Right now you're at or near rock bottom emotionally. So much of what you thought was true is gone. But that can be really liberating. Think about it - you can be really honest with yourself, and with her. No need for the trappings of the "happy marriage". No more need for the dutiful husband role. All of those costumes and masks and ritual are gone. You can really take a good long assessment of you. Who you really are and who you really want to be. Sure it totally sucks to be in that situation but it is also very freeing. You know? You don't have to think in the "what should I do" or "what should I be feeling" mode. You can be in the real. The here and now. Raw and authentic.

 

2. Take up some form of regular exercise. For me, when I hit rock bottom, it was running. One day I laced up my shoes and started running. It was a Forrest Gump moment. I ran and ran and ran. I found that I loved running. I tell you to do this not because you'll get in better shape or anything. I tell you to do this because exercise does amazing things for your brain chemistry when you're undergoing extreme stress and buddy, you're going through extreme stress right now.

 

3. No matter how hard you try not to - you're going to think about your marriage and wonder how to save it. So let's not pretend that isn't going to happen. You're a dude. I'm a dude. We fix stuff. That's what we do. But let me suggest you don't try to "fix" anything. Instead, think about considering your marriage dead. Gone. Over. What remains is a possibility. A potential. After you spend copious amounts of time on #1 above, you may or may not have a chance to create a new marriage. What would that look like? What would it feel like? To sit down across from your then estranged wife and write a new chapter? Define a new marriage. Not going to say it will happen. But it might. And I can tell you that the more time you spend on #1 the more likely it will be to happen. And maybe it isn't a new marriage. Maybe it is a new friendship with her. Who knows. You might not want a new marriage. She might not want it. But if you do go down that route, I would approach it as something completely new. Something as new as she is in her new "her". Or as new as something as new as the new "you".

 

Anyhow, I've blathered on too long. I know things seem really dark right now. But remember, the night is always darkest before the dawn. Today is your birthday. Your re-birth day. You get to reinvent the new you. Open yourself up to the possibilities. What you might discover. Focus on the present. Be the person you want to be and see what happens. I think you might surprise yourself.

[thwack]

KBarletta, thanks for the encouraging words.

 

Mrin, I think we're in total agreement on what I need to do next. I do exercise... last night's workout was intense. Aside from that I need to start figuring out what my passions are. Once those are identified then I'll look into what social activities fit well with them. I know someone special is out there for me. My therapist says he sees women in his office all the time who would give anything for a husband with my traits instead of one who is always out drinking with his buddies and never paying attention to her. The trick is to be in the right place at the right time so we find each other. As uncomfortable as social situations make me, that's what I need to do, but it has to be organized around one of my passions so I can enjoy myself and bond with someone else who enjoys the same thing.

 

Things don't seem as dark to me now as you would think, and that's largely thanks to you. Yes it's sad to lose the companionship and intimacy, but maybe I had become too comfortable with those aspects anyway and they weren't as special anymore. I think reading and sharing your assessment of our story with each other has brought us back together as simple friends who understand each other. Much of the darkness early on may have been over the thought of losing that entire foundation.

 

I have looked over the 180 that others here have suggested for me. I don't think all of it is applicable in our situation, but some definitely is. I will keep myself busy and work on being happy and confident on my own. I will allow her to feel loneliness. But I won't do anything to upset our friendship, try to change her mind, or anything based on the idea that what she's doing is wrong. I will continue to be helpful around the house, but not because a husband should, just as part of staying busy. We may even share dinner in front of the TV when our schedules align, but no longer as a ritual or obligation, just as friends when it's convenient. We both agree that our separate bedrooms are our alone space when the door is closed, but in the common areas we are approachable.

 

I think I'm on a clear path for now. The next hurdle will be dealing with my loneliness after the house sells and I move into my own place. That's why I need to start working now on doing more social things and staying busy.

[KBarletta]

KBarletta, thanks for the encouraging words.

 

Mrin, I think we're in total agreement on what I need to do next. I do exercise... last night's workout was intense. Aside from that I need to start figuring out what my passions are. Once those are identified then I'll look into what social activities fit well with them. I know someone special is out there for me. My therapist says he sees women in his office all the time who would give anything for a husband with my traits instead of one who is always out drinking with his buddies and never paying attention to her. The trick is to be in the right place at the right time so we find each other. As uncomfortable as social situations make me, that's what I need to do, but it has to be organized around one of my passions so I can enjoy myself and bond with someone else who enjoys the same thing.

 

Things don't seem as dark to me now as you would think, and that's largely thanks to you. Yes it's sad to lose the companionship and intimacy, but maybe I had become too comfortable with those aspects anyway and they weren't as special anymore. I think reading and sharing your assessment of our story with each other has brought us back together as simple friends who understand each other. Much of the darkness early on may have been over the thought of losing that entire foundation.

 

I have looked over the 180 that others here have suggested for me. I don't think all of it is applicable in our situation, but some definitely is. I will keep myself busy and work on being happy and confident on my own. I will allow her to feel loneliness. But I won't do anything to upset our friendship, try to change her mind, or anything based on the idea that what she's doing is wrong. I will continue to be helpful around the house, but not because a husband should, just as part of staying busy. We may even share dinner in front of the TV when our schedules align, but no longer as a ritual or obligation, just as friends when it's convenient. We both agree that our separate bedrooms are our alone space when the door is closed, but in the common areas we are approachable.

 

I think I'm on a clear path for now. The next hurdle will be dealing with my loneliness after the house sells and I move into my own place. That's why I need to start working now on doing more social things and staying busy.

 

 

Good for you thwack. I'm impressed by your ability to see this so clearly and to be (as much as possible) at peace with it.

 

Honestly, I don't think I could ever be friends with my ex, and the idea of sharing a meal with her disgusts me. It's not that I still hold onto bitterness over what happened between us, because for the most part I have moved on. I just don't like to be reminded of my heartbreak, I think, and seeing her and hearing her voice just reminds me of the worst days of my life.

 

All of which is my way of saying: Keep it up! You sound like you're definitely on the right track, and are lightyears ahead of where I was when I was in your shoes.

 

Things will just get better from here, my friend.

 

Good luck.

[thwack]

Today was not good.

 

On top of being under stress from deadlines at work for things that only I can do, I learned that I had mistakenly locked the storm door to our house last night, which means a realtor was unable to get in for a showing while we were both at work. It's just one of those moments when you're on auto-pilot and distracted by something else, so you give it zero thought. It happens to everyone, but it was a really bad time to happen to me.

 

When my wife told me her plans for the evening she expressed her frustration by saying I should avoid being seen by her if I value my life. Not an honest threat, but a serious feeling, and it was yet more stress.

 

Then I realized I had to mow the lawn before the attempted showing returns at 7pm tomorrow because we haven an open house Sunday. But because the electric mower's battery charger died last week and the new one lacks the fast charge feature, I'll need to mow it across two days. Yet more stress.

 

And if that's not enough, I'm supposed to be trying to reinvent myself now too. Figuring out what I enjoy, things I can do to meet people. But that's incredibly difficult to figure out for me, and therefore stressful.

 

Plus it doesn't help that my wife IS doing these things... planning her new life without me, becoming a more interesting person every day... which throws my own situation into stark contrast. I'm not upset with her for doing that... I'm happy for her. It's my own problem, but still a problem.

 

With all of this running through my head as I left work today, I was overcome. I needed help. Anybody to talk to. But my parents are out of town, I have no close friends, and my wife told me to avoid her.

 

So I started trying to talk to myself. Why am I stressed? What can fix it? But I asked the wrong questions. Why should I fix it? Why would anyone help me? What purpose would it serve? Who even needs me? I have no kids. My wife is leaving. I'm not close with anyone else. Maybe 100 people would really miss me. Maybe I DON'T value my life.

 

When I got home, I called the suicide hotline. But I couldn't even do that right. All I heard was press 2 for Spanish, so I assumed 1 would be for English. Turns out it's for veterans. Of course they were understanding but it still bugged me. I'm probably too weak to actually kill myself anyway... I would need someone else to do it... and I confessed that I mainly just needed someone to talk to. They said that's fine and instructed me how to get the civilian service by calling back and not pressing 1.

 

But I didn't call back right away. I cried some in my room. My wife heard me and called for me, so I told her she should go to the social thing she had planned, that she doesn't want to deal with me. She said she had some time to talk first. I told her about my call. She tried her best to assure me I have plenty to live for. She almost stayed home from her plans, which is what I was afraid of. But I assured her I'm no real threat to myself. She thought I just need to wind down from my stressful day. She absolved me of all guilt over the storm door mistake. And exercise is good for relieving stress, so I said I would mow the lawn to stay busy if that enables her to do her social thing.

 

So that's what I did. As much as the batteries allowed. And now I'm lonely. I can't help but look forward to her coming home, and I know I need to change that about me. I'm struggling to figure out how. Get out of the house, sure... but do what? I cannot think of a single thing to do with myself. Maybe I can drive in a circle, but that wastes gas.

 

I'm already failing at the plan I had set forth.

[testmeasure]

Frankly, this was the most productive thing I did:

 

"Maybe I can drive in a circle, but that wastes gas."

 

Then again, it also made perfect nap time for a 2 year old daughter.

 

With such major disruptions, don't dwell on small things. I think, in a way, unprocessed major life changing emotion makes it very hard to properly process the small things.

 

Just getting in the car and driving in circles for hours gives time to process the major upheaval without minor distractions.

 

Personally, I think dwelling is under-rated. Pinning an emotion or reaction in the forefront and sorting through it and all it's implications directly addresses the source. Getting distracted by a lock, the lawn or pressing 1 is a distraction. I've got to say, your logic in pressing 1 on hearing 2 for Spanish seems sound to me. But, even if you do flounder on small stuff while working out something big, so what? It doesn't make sense to pin these small things front and center. They won't mean anything the rest of your life. You've got to give yourself time to work through the big thing and your reaction to it. If that means getting in your car and driving in circles to separate yourself from the small stuff, don't knock it. Gas/hour is cheaper than therapy.

[thwack]

Well I went for a 15 mile bike ride and that accomplished about the same thing as wasting gas but with the added benefit of a cardio workout.

 

I've thought of another possible explanation behind what my wife is doing. She went to college at 14, which means she never experienced high school or a senior prom. And being in a special protective program for younger college students meant she didn't really have the wild college experience either. So now that she's feeling young and healthy again she wants to experience those things, and she can't get them from me. So she's done with me. She's going to go out and live the wild parts of her life she missed. But because that includes the possibility of cheating on me, even just emotionally if not physically, that's why she wants the divorce. Preemptively.

 

And I think all the stuff she said about just wanting to be single and not be in ANY relationship for now, even if I was perfect for her... that was mostly a smokescreen to deter me from trying to fix anything and change her mind.

 

She's been doing a lot of this new stuff already. She joined MeetUp groups and has gone to several of those gatherings, often leading to spin-off activities with new people she met. She went to a movie last night and didn't get back until after 11 and I was already in bed. When she came home, I only heard the garage door activate once. I let her discover this morning that she had left it open all night. And she says she'll be out late again tonight.

 

I just feel like she's going to burn out quickly at this pace. When we were happily together she never liked doing too many social things in a row because it's very mentally draining and stressful, for both of us.

 

Yet every time she comes home now she talks about what a great time she had. I'm not sure if that's really true or if she's just trying to show me that she's not having any regrets. She was admittedly tired this morning. That's all she said when I asked how the movie went... how little sleep she got.

 

I know, everyone here will say she's out with another man. Whatever. Maybe. But we talked about that. I said if she values our friendship (as she does with all her exes), she'll tell me the moment there's anything even developing, because I can't stay friends with a liar. She agreed to do that and assured me yet again that at this point she's just making new friends and being social... and not with any one of them more than others.

[KBarletta]

When my wife told me her plans for the evening she expressed her frustration by saying I should avoid being seen by her if I value my life. Not an honest threat, but a serious feeling, and it was yet more stress.

 

I'm not even sure what this means? Even if it was a joke, it's an awful thing to say. It sounds like the two of you need to figure out a way to separate your living arrangements sooner rather than later for the sake of your own sanity.

 

Get out of the house, sure... but do what? I cannot think of a single thing to do with myself. Maybe I can drive in a circle, but that wastes gas.

 

Go to a coffee shop, go to a bar (even if you don't drink, order a club soda - I've done this more times than I can count), go to the movies (yes, people go to the movies alone, or at least I do), go to the library and read a book, take a walk, take a drive, adopt a pet, ride a bike, join a club (MeetUp or something similar), join a support group for people in your shoes (there are waaaaay more than you think), sign up for a class (cooking or art, or some sport, karate, tennis, golf, boxing, something you think you might enjoy) ...

 

I realize that was a long list, but just doing one of those things will give you something to do and something to look forward to, which is a positive step.

 

I'm already failing at the plan I had set forth.

 

No, you are not failing. This was one day out of 365 (well, 366 this year ;-) ). You will have setbacks, that does not mean failure. You are on a long road to recovery. It's not going to be a straight line. It's going to be some steps forward, a few steps backward, but you will keep moving forward. Don't look at your setbacks as failures, they are learning experiences, building blocks for the next step.

 

Hang in there!

[KBarletta]

Maybe she's going out to see another guy, maybe not. Maybe she is just making new friends. And I know you stated earlier your desire to be "friends" with her, but I am not sure how her staying out late every night and having fun and then coming back and reporting to you on what a great time she has -- how is that healthy for you or productive in your recovery?

 

I am not sure I could live for too long in your shoes, given how you describe this situation. She says she doesn't want to see you and (even jokingly) threatens your life, then tells you all about her new life with her new friends.

 

I'm only basing this on my own feelings, but I think you would be better off removing yourself from her presence completely if you really want to build a new life. There's just too much still between you at this point for this "friendship" to do anything but continue to harm your recovery. That's just my $0.02.

 

I wish you well.

[thwack]

I'm not even sure what this means? Even if it was a joke, it's an awful thing to say. It sounds like the two of you need to figure out a way to separate your living arrangements sooner rather than later for the sake of your own sanity.

 

She was just frustrated in the moment, about my storm door mistake. She has already apologized and absolved me of that guilt.

 

She can use the wrong words when her emotions get the best of her. One time at a super bowl party one of my friends-of-a-friend said she didn't care for the J.J. Abrams Star Trek movie, which my wife and I love. My wife blurted out, aghast, "you need to die!" To someone she barely even knew. She felt terrible about that later, even though it wasn't a sincere gesture.

 

I took the storm door statement the same way. Unintentionally hurtful, yes, but not a serious threat. But in my stressed out condition that day, it hurt just that much more.

[KBarletta]

She was just frustrated in the moment, about my storm door mistake. She has already apologized and absolved me of that guilt.

 

She can use the wrong words when her emotions get the best of her. One time at a super bowl party one of my friends-of-a-friend said she didn't care for the J.J. Abrams Star Trek movie, which my wife and I love. My wife blurted out, aghast, "you need to die!" To someone she barely even knew. She felt terrible about that later, even though it wasn't a sincere gesture.

 

I took the storm door statement the same way. Unintentionally hurtful, yes, but not a serious threat. But in my stressed out condition that day, it hurt just that much more.

 

Makes much more sense in that context. Thanks for the clarification.

[thwack]

I asked my wife if she's interested in anyone yet, because I sensed that she evaded my question about last night's movie. She said she was going to talk to me about that, because it turned out to be kind of a date. But she says it's really early and she's not sure how she feels about that and she might be reading too much into it.

 

But I'm just happy she's being honest with me. I think she just didn't want to mention it this morning because we only had a minute to chat and she probably didn't want to ruin may day so early, not knowing how I would react.

 

And as for that, I didn't really have much of a reaction. It does seem fast, if there's truly anything there. And I hope she doesn't get hurt. But otherwise, no reaction. She hasn't felt like my companion for a month anyway.

 

I think it's still too early to be working on my recovery. At this point I'm just trying to stay afloat, not worrying about where the shoreline is yet. If the nearest lifeline is my wife's friendship, that's what I'm grabbing, because the alternative is to drown.

 

This might be a strange concept to most people who have gone through divorce because usually at least one spouse despises the other. In our case, there's no such thing. Neither of us did anything egregious or unforgivable, unless you count her decision to move on.

 

No doubt it will eventually be healthier for me to live away from her, but forcing that before the house is sold doesn't seem like it would be productive in any way, just an additional source of stress.

[KBarletta]

I asked my wife if she's interested in anyone yet, because I sensed that she evaded my question about last night's movie. She said she was going to talk to me about that, because it turned out to be kind of a date. But she says it's really early and she's not sure how she feels about that and she might be reading too much into it.

 

But I'm just happy she's being honest with me. I think she just didn't want to mention it this morning because we only had a minute to chat and she probably didn't want to ruin may day so early, not knowing how I would react.

 

And as for that, I didn't really have much of a reaction. It does seem fast, if there's truly anything there. And I hope she doesn't get hurt. But otherwise, no reaction. She hasn't felt like my companion for a month anyway.

 

I think it's still too early to be working on my recovery. At this point I'm just trying to stay afloat, not worrying about where the shoreline is yet. If the nearest lifeline is my wife's friendship, that's what I'm grabbing, because the alternative is to drown.

 

This might be a strange concept to most people who have gone through divorce because usually at least one spouse despises the other. In our case, there's no such thing. Neither of us did anything egregious or unforgivable, unless you count her decision to move on.

 

No doubt it will eventually be healthier for me to live away from her, but forcing that before the house is sold doesn't seem like it would be productive in any way, just an additional source of stress.

 

Implementing No Contact isn't really about one spouse despising the other, its about doing what is best for your own healing and your own ability to move on and become a strong, healthy, independent person post-split.

 

I don't know what I would have done without NC in my situation. It saved me from repeated backslides and heartbreaks, quite honestly. And it allowed me to see the situation very clearly, whereas when you are in front of the other person on a daily basis it can be hard to gain clarity as to the big picture. Again, just my $0.02.

 

But I suppose it's not for everyone. I can appreciate your desire to hang onto her friendship as a sort of life raft. And if you can make that work somehow, more power to you.

 

I think NC is very effective as a means to heal and move on. But you need to do what you believe is best for you. I wish you luck.

 

KTB

[thwack]

First Thwack - you are NOT a loser.

 

Exhibit A: I failed twice tonight to do anything social. I showed up at a place where a friend told me he and at least one other friend meet every tuesday for an open mic night. I got there and didn't see either of them. So did I get a table for myself or try to mingle with strangers since I was already there? No, I just left. Then I tried a backup plan. There was a meetup.com group meeting to play board games at a local restaurant and I could get there just in time. I entered the bar area and saw a table full of 4 people with games. I couldn't bring myself to disrupt their layout and become a 5th wheel, so I panicked... I pretended to look around the bar for someone, not see them, and left.

 

How do I stop being such a loser?

[KBarletta]

Exhibit A: I failed twice tonight to do anything social. I showed up at a place where a friend told me he and at least one other friend meet every tuesday for an open mic night. I got there and didn't see either of them. So did I get a table for myself or try to mingle with strangers since I was already there? No, I just left. Then I tried a backup plan. There was a meetup.com group meeting to play board games at a local restaurant and I could get there just in time. I entered the bar area and saw a table full of 4 people with games. I couldn't bring myself to disrupt their layout and become a 5th wheel, so I panicked... I pretended to look around the bar for someone, not see them, and left.

 

How do I stop being such a loser?

 

Dude, being anxious like that in social situations, ESPECIALLY given your current circumstance, does not make you a loser. It makes you human. You took a step forward just in trying those things. Next time, make the next step and actually walk up and talk to people and insert yourself into the situation. Especially at the MeetUp - it's in the name as a place for people to come and meet new people. That is the entire point. Next time, get there earlier, introduce yourself and just go with it.

 

You are not a loser. You're just in pain and afraid and stepping out into a new world. We've all been there. Just keep taking that next step. (Incidentally, one step is realizing that you in fact are NOT a loser, and that you have worth, and that other people will value you as part of their lives. And they will. Just hang in there, man. It takes time.

 

One mistake I made during my ordeal was to think that one day I was going to wake up and it would all feel better - some day. That isn't how it works. It feels better some days, worse other days. You take steps forward, and steps backwards, but overall just keep moving forward and the good days eventually greatly outnumber the bad and the next thing you know you have a new life.

 

Stick with it and hang in there.

 

Good luck!

[thwack]

Thanks for the encouragement. Again. Clearly that was another worse day for me at that point. Fortunately it actually got better... my friends that I tried to meet with at the first place texted me back that they were in fact meeting, just later than I thought. So I did meet with them and enjoyed the open mic night... at least the songs that didn't hit too close to home. It seems like a lot of them are about love and heartbreak.

[Kwacker39]

Hey thwack , try to keep strong and moving forward - and try to give yourself a break , you do not sound like a loser to me - we all suffer during such testing times and everything seems to become more difficult as we lose confidence and doubt ourselves more than ever - it's normal .

Those love and breakup songs are a b...ch I must admit - why does virtually every song you hear strike a melancholy chord at times like these ?! Good luck for the future pal.