Desperation for explanations when I say no

[katiegrl]

Don't do that.

There is nothing worse for a man online dating but to get a "thanks but no thanks" response in his inbox.

Especially when most men hardly get any responses at all.

 

You essentially just got his hopes up & then dashed them to pieces.

 

Just ignore them like the other women on the site.

Don't tell them they aren't good enough.

 

 

jeez, no wonder guys get mad at you.

 

I see your point, but then we have guys complaining that women ignore them!!!

 

And blame us for THAT!

 

Even on this thread we have men complaining about that.

 

So which is it? I am seriously confused now!

[Fruitee]

Don't do that.

There is nothing worse for a man online dating but to get a "thanks but no thanks" response in his inbox.

Especially when most men hardly get any responses at all.

 

You essentially just got his hopes up & then dashed them to pieces.

 

Just ignore them like the other women on the site.

Don't tell them they aren't good enough.

 

 

jeez, no wonder guys get mad at you.

 

So umm? First you complain that women dont answer. Then when they do its wrong too?

 

So wtf man .

 

And why on earth anyone would get mad at me because they e.g. want kids and I dont and I tell them that and wish them best of luck with their search??

[Gloria25]

They're just mad.

 

Lol....not really.

 

I don't think this is a problem isolated to men. I recently went through a lot of drama with my neighbor and while at first I had an attraction to him, I believe that after a while it became more of a "Why did I get dissed?" situation where I, for the life of me, could not understand why he didn't why he rejected me.

 

Worst, because he'd do things to get my attention, it reopened that curiosity regarding the rejection. It was like ripping a bandaid on a wound that was just starting to heal. So, people here on LS may be like 'Oh, Gloria25 just likes to come here and talk bad about this woman (his piggy wife) that she doesn't know'...'Gloria25 just likes to come here and put down him and his piggy wife to feel better about herself'... and, 'Why does Gloria25 worry so much about him, her and what they're doing/about?'

 

Well, when you have someone showing interest and they drop you/diss you w/o explanation you can't help but scratch your head and ask "why"? And, it's not putting no one down, it's looking at what's going on, making comparisons, and asking yourself "WTF?"

 

Yes, healthy, normal and secure people just walk away when it's over...But yes, after you keep on getting rejected and/or you have a person (like my neighbor) who appears to be interested, then flakes w/o reason/explanation - it does mess with your head and make you wonder what "you" are doing wrong.

 

On OLD, yes, when I am chatting with someone and they just disappear - even though it's not like we were bf/gf or anything - it still stings. Worst, when they block your profile. Someone once told me that they don't block you cuz they don't like you, they block you cuz it's easier for them to keep track of people they are/aren't interested in who may have contacted them. But, me, on the other end of that "block" doesn't know that.

 

Going back to OLD, several guys took the time to respond to my contact simply said that they liked this/that about me and my profile - but they couldn't work with the distance or X, Y, Z. Did I go all Krazy on him and demand explanations as to "Why, cuz I'm all that and a bag of chips?" No. I thanked them and wished them well on their pursuits. I've even informed some guys of the same.

 

I would respond letting them know that I wasn't interested for X, Y, Z reason(s) and wished them luck. But, some, even when I did that would get nasty and mean...So yea, now I do a lot of ghosting and/or refusing to respond - and even blocking.

 

So, IMO, while no one wants to hear the "truth" (i.e. 'Your ears are too big'), I think that if people would just communicate instead of being short and dissing others, you wouldn't incite anger and curiosity - and actually probably give that person insight on what they need to work on to meet the right person. So, instead of saying 'Your ears are too big', you could probably say "I'm just not that attracted to you".

[Fruitee]

And how is it saying that they are not good enough if our interests are totally opposite?

[Fruitee]

I am not even talking about the looks here. I dont care how the guy looks. But if likes to spend his holidays in the forest tenting and I dont even go to summer cabins. I can tell it is not going to work out. I had stated very clearly in my profile what I want and like e.g. age, location, long relationship, no kids etc. Then someone from another continent wants kids with me and is 10 years younger and loves tenting. How is that going to work out. And get mad at me after I say I am looking for local guy within same age etc.

[Gloria25]

And how is it saying that they are not good enough if our interests are totally opposite?

 

Well, isn't the fact that your interests are totally opposite whey they don't feel good enough for you?

 

Again, I'll use my neighbor.

 

I really feel that he feels that he's not at my level...and, without coming off as arrogant, I began to see why he feels that way. I mean, we "do" have different interests. Actually, I think he has "no" interests, hobbies, etc.

 

Him and his wife, all they do is go to work and plop their butts in front of the TV. I , while a homebody, actually get off my couch and have things going on in my life...Also, I did something with my education. I am not working in retail for the rest of my miserable life. Again, he and his wife have no ambitions. He feels at "her" level more than at "my" level.

 

There's some things about me that have rubbed off on him (i.e. actually doing his own lawn instead of his Mum doing it for him...cuz, I do my own landscaping), but, at the end of the day, I believe that he is more compatible with his wife. I mean, she doesn't like to work out and she is lazy/overweight; and, he mocks people who have those stickers on their cars about how many miles they ran and he also does not care for physical activity. I run, swim, bike, walk, roller skate. I stay active...Again, we're not a match and we have different interests. His wife is a better match for him.

 

So, our differences in "interests" puts him at a level beneath me in his eyes and he's pretty much right.

[Fruitee]

^ Never thought of it like that. I just think people are different and like different things and they should be good match to each other for relationship to work out.

[katiegrl]

Well, isn't the fact that your interests are totally opposite whey they don't feel good enough for you?

 

Again, I'll use my neighbor.

 

I really feel that he feels that he's not at my level...and, without coming off as arrogant, I began to see why he feels that way. I mean, we "do" have different interests. Actually, I think he has "no" interests, hobbies, etc.

 

Him and his wife, all they do is go to work and plop their butts in front of the TV. I , while a homebody, actually get off my couch and have things going on in my life...Also, I did something with my education. I am not working in retail for the rest of my miserable life. Again, he and his wife have no ambitions. He feels at "her" level more than at "my" level.

 

There's some things about me that have rubbed off on him (i.e. actually doing his own lawn instead of his Mum doing it for him...cuz, I do my own landscaping), but, at the end of the day, I believe that he is more compatible with his wife. I mean, she doesn't like to work out and she is lazy/overweight; and, he mocks people who have those stickers on their cars about how many miles they ran and he also does not care for physical activity. I run, swim, bike, walk, roller skate. I stay active...Again, we're not a match and we have different interests. His wife is a better match for him.

 

So, our differences in "interests" puts him at a level beneath me in his eyes and he's pretty much right.

 

*No* interests is NOT the same as *different* interests.

 

And no ......different interests does not mean "I am better than you.". Or "you are not good enough for me."

 

It does not even imply that!

 

It means we are not compatible.

 

In no way does that suggest one is better than the other.

 

And men (or women) should definitely not interpret it that way, and if they do, that is their own insecurity and low self esteem talking.

 

IMO the reason why men keep pursuing after the initial rejection is because they have been conditioned to chase, and so they think if they are persistent enough they will *get* the girl.

 

And let's face it, sometimes they do.

 

The best thing to do after you let them know you are not compatible/different interests is simply to block them.

 

That way you won't have to deal with any further responses from them either trying to convince you or verbally attacking you, which happens too.. unfortunately.

Edited May 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[Fruitee]

^ Yeah sometimes when they call me for example ugly cow or something I ask if they have habit sending messages go ugly cows then? Or if they had anything else to add and wish them nice day.

[BlueIris]

The best thing to do after you let them know you are not compatible/different interests is simply to block them.

 

That way you won't have to deal with any further responses from them either trying to convince you or verbally attacking you, which happens too.. unfortunately.

 

I agree. And don’t worry about strangers getting mad at you. Who cares?! There’s no RULE that you have to indulge anyone and everyone who wants you to do what THEY want.

 

A few years back a guy I turned down online asked me why. I asked him if he really wanted to know- really? He said yes, so I told him and he debated the validity of my reason. I just blocked him. I'm not going to date someone who doesn’t accept my opinion. Imagine a lifetime with that! They can go to the bar and bitch and moan if they want.

 

Everybody sorts and culls, is entitled to and should. Don’t apologize about it or worry about someone being mad at you for not giving them what they want. Actually, avoid people who think you owe them something, or that women do, or that people they want do. “Thank you but no thank you,” is polite and should end the story.

 

OLD is like walking into a packed football stadium or walking down a street in a busy city where you’re surrounded by thousands of people you know nothing about. Not many people believe that people owe something to every person who smiles at them or tries to talk to them. Basic politeness and exit is perfectly acceptable.

[katiegrl]

I agree. And don’t worry about strangers getting mad at you. Who cares?! There’s no RULE that you have to indulge anyone and everyone who wants you to do what THEY want.

 

A few years back a guy I turned down online asked me why. I asked him if he really wanted to know- really? He said yes, so I told him and he debated the validity of my reason. I just blocked him. I'm not going to date someone who doesn’t accept my opinion. Imagine a lifetime with that! They can go to the bar and bitch and moan if they want.

 

Everybody sorts and culls, is entitled to and should. Don’t apologize about it or worry about someone being mad at you for not giving them what they want. Actually, avoid people who think you owe them something, or that women do, or that people they want do. “Thank you but no thank you,” is polite and should end the story.

 

OLD is like walking into a packed football stadium or walking down a street in a busy city where you’re surrounded by thousands of people you know nothing about. Not many people believe that people owe something to every person who smiles at them or tries to talk to them. Basic politeness and exit is perfectly acceptable.

 

As jen would say "preach it sista"!

 

Well said and nuff said!

[spiderowl]

Sometimes a guy contacts you. His profile is good, he has a lot in common with you. He writes nicely, but you are just not attracted to his picture. He might have a beard and you are not into beards. There could be a million and one reasons why you just don't feel attracted to his picture. Another woman might find him really attractive.

 

In those cases, it's really difficult because the guy genuinely believes he is right for you. What can you say? I'm shallow and don't find your picture attractive? He presumably found yours attractive because he messaged you. It's just not mutual attraction and no amount of things in common can overcome that unfortunately.

[Fruitee]

^ I think most of the guys send me messages just because they liked my photo. Some of them also commented something I had written in my profile. I had really nice discussions with some guys but even then they sometimes just stopped answering. So it goes both ways. Anyway I never commented on anyones looks and it is true ofc that I said no to some guys because of their looks.

[Jabron1]

And how is it saying that they are not good enough if our interests are totally opposite?

 

Let's face it. If the guy turned you on in any sort of way, you wouldn't mind whether or not you both liked playing crazy golf.

 

You just weren't interested. That's all there is to it.

 

No need to explain. Just ignore.

 

^ I think most of the guys send me messages just because they liked my photo.

 

Sweetheart, every guy is sending you a message because they liked your photo.

 

Being shaggable is the minimum requirement for a man. Interests come second.

 

However, there are some really desperate guys out there. Especially online.

 

I made a fake woman's profile on a dating site in order to check my real profile. Within 10 minutes I had recieved 2 messages from guys.

 

This is without a picture or any sort of profile information. I logged back into that profile a week later, and a lot more messages were received, and one of these guys had turned stalker. Bloody sad-acts.

 

Take online dating with a pinch of salt.

[Shanex]

What Jabron just said is accurate. And so is the the original post (and title) of this thread.

 

Desperation and insisting are major turn off, come on. The guy said something dumb or sleazy or whatever else, doesn't get another reply and want an explanation on top of that?

 

My timid assumption and guessing is that these guys might be relatively new to the OLD scene, because someone who's done it for a number of years will quickly skip a woman who's not responding anymore. There are new profiles out every hour, so why bother?

 

There are some tactics to adopt when doing OLD, acknowledging your own ''league'' and targeting people that match it, physically and professionally speaking. The common passion, age, and so on.

 

As for Jabron and the fake woman profile, you could make one of a 9/10 21 year old model and have 65 year old overweight and bald geezers hit on her shamelessly.

 

Sometimes OLD is such a joke.

[Fruitee]

^^ Honestly I dont understand why you are not my boyfriend already?

 

I have actually turned down hot guys just because they were not good match for me. True story. This one dude waited like 2 weeks before texting me and then send some body pics which I guess he thought would do the trick. That ended up with him blocking me when I asked him who he is.. And when he couldnt believe that I didnt remember him. I asked why he waited so long then. So just because he is hot Im not gonna jump if he is not other wise good fit for me.

 

Also I dunno what to think about that shaggable comment. My go to guy in guy troubles told me guys dont care that much? Pussy is pussy.

[Fruitee]

--

 

There are some tactics to adopt when doing OLD, acknowledging your own ''league'' and targeting people that match it, physically and professionally speaking. The common passion, age, and so on.

 

--

 

THIS! What actually surprised me most on OkC was the fact that so many ugly guys send me messages and that sometimes really made me question either their opinion of themself or my looks. I do not consider myself very superficial person but some guys looked like I just couldnt imagine myself being with them and still they send me message. I always send messages to people who I though were in my league.

 

I used to have this picture where I was wearing my office attire and one guy asked me out for dinner and he suggested this place which was like truck driver stop. And I was thinking to myself which part of my profile suggested to him that I would enjoy place like that.

 

It was kind of fascinating to notice how different men really are. For instance Tinder offered great overview of the whole spectrum of men. Especially when I was travelling.

 

One sad case was this over 50 years old man who wanted a family and send me messages where he insulted me in all kinds of horrible ways because I had stated in my profile I dont want kids and told him that. Then when I eventually blocked him he created a new profile just to send me messages again.

Edited May 30, 2016 by Fruitee

[Jabron1]

^^ Honestly I dont understand why you are not my boyfriend already?

 

Because you haven't even asked for my number. Or took me out on a sushi date yet.

 

I don't just put out like every other 'hussy', y'know?

 

My mother taught me better.

 

I have actually turned down hot guys just because they were not good match for me. True story.

 

I believe it.

 

Also I dunno what to think about that shaggable comment. My go to guy in guy troubles told me guys dont care that much? Pussy is pussy.

 

Yeah, I know. "Any hole is a goal".

 

This is desperate man thinking.

 

Not all of us are like that

[Fruitee]

^ Oh **** I knew I was doing something wrong!

[htmshsj]

Interesting discussion. OLD kind of exposes what we knew in high school--there's a superficial hierarchy of the few desirable people and then everybody else.

 

There are guys out there that are struggling, but there are also guys on OLD that clean up. There are less of them, but they exist. If you're not extremely attractive in real life, nothing changes when you put yourself out there on the internet.

 

I also think there are many men out who are average at best that seem to think they're destined to wind up with a model, and only pursue women based on the fact that they're "hot." They keep trying every trick in the book and get frustrated when it doesn't work. If they just pursued women at their same level of attractiveness based on common interests and values, they'd probably have more luck.

[Fruitee]

^ Same goes for women too. Not all the ladies are luckly with men.