Feel Lost and alone and am married [updated 2016-08-13]

[desertfunguy]

With a normal person I would agree with this. She is a mental disaster. She could easily stay out late, her job is fluctual, but she does not. I will keep looking, but honestly, I don't want to get too wrapped up in it. If she is gone, and I think she is, then it is time for me to go. I just need to be strategic about it for the sake of my kids and not let my emotions rule me. I am in a "no fault" state so it doesn't matter. I will not touch her, because I cannot stand her, and if she was cheating, I would not want to be subjected to an STD. I just feel stupid for having married her in the first place... I had some other options, and really could have done better. She was damaged goods from her childhood.

[Bufo]

I suggest you spend some time with a legal consultation now as your post-divorce plans are taking shape without firm knowledge what post-divorce would look like. Remember the Knowledge is Power mantra.

 

You also raised very important custody issues. You should ask what role, if any, to the preferences of the child make in custody disputes. And learn the other custody factors also.

 

Why see a lawyer? Learn how things actually work in your vicinity. You

can read all you want and read every forum and blog that ever hit the internet. The only fact that matters is what happens in your county.

[notbroken]

I was in a similar situation. It was miserable. You have little chance at happiness living with someone that likely doesn't really love you - or can't/won't show it even if they do. It won't get better with time. Resentment will just grow on both parts and you'll drift further apart. Pull the bandaid off. The quicker the better. Your daughters are not better off living like they are. It just teaches them that is a normal relationship and set them up for more of the same in their lives. Do everyone a favor - get out quickly. With class. Never 'bash' their mother to your daughters. Split your property fairly. Work on yourself, your happiness, and spend as much time with your daughters as you can. Best wishes.

[desertfunguy]

This morning I got up, felt good and was on my way to work, when once again I noticed the papers for the local MCs still sitting where they have been (day 10ish). Wife was already at work. I was a little angry at the lack of her initiative, since this was her idea, and I had provided all of the numbers already, so I sent a text. It was polite but blunt and asked what her intentions were. She at first blustered and told me she had the numbers with her, I knew this was false, and that she would take care of it. I ended the conversation there. Got home late, as I decided I would rather be at work then be at home, and found her very cheery wanting to get me some dinner. She then said she had called an MC office, obviously not one on the list, but one she had found with her cell phone, and had put in a call. She was pleasant, remarkably so, for the rest of the evening. I know that this will be a long road, and it will probably end in a crash, but I am glad to at least feel a bit more in control. Now, I can steady my ship, and prepare for what will happen, good or bad, and move forward. The bad guy routine, really just being aloof and acting disinterested had a good effect. I am sure I used to do this with the women I dated, but just forgot the need to. I think she is pretty nervous about how I am not reacting the way she expected. I hate to to have to be like this, but it feels better than getting battered, and emasculated. I will see how it goes with the MC and will keep my eyes and ears open. I will update this board too, as this progresses, because the advice has been pretty sound so far. Ultimately, I don't know how this will come out, but on my end, I am (without telling her - no ammunition) am going to have myself tested for thyroid and Low T. I just want to make sure that none of this stuff is me projecting my own weakness out there, from a hormonal imbalance, as I am 50. I will keep you updated.

[Jeff1690]

Good luck desertfunguy. Have you been exercising? I am just a couple of years younger than you and at times have felt low, and no energy. Not sure if it has been the emotional roller coaster of the past year or my age. However, since I have totally got back into exercising I feel 100% better.

 

I also look a lot better. I am actually seeing muscles form on my stomach. Nope, no six pack but I have not seen muscle definition there in years. Since about 35 been a little bit of a belly but not one hanging out over my pants. Seeing my strength, muscle tone and weight loss has been a real boost for me in these trying times.

 

When I am laying in bed not wanting to get up I think about what she has done to me and how I let myself go. This improvement makes me get my ass out of bed in the morning and workout. After the workout I feel a lot better.

 

Also since getting back into shape and buying new wardrobe I have noticed women looking at me again. Not that I am really interested at this time but it does wonders for the mental state. When your wife of 23 years that you loved has cheated on you and rejected you knowing other women find you attractive really goes a long way.

[PrettyEmily77]

With a normal person I would agree with this. She is a mental disaster. She could easily stay out late, her job is fluctual, but she does not. I will keep looking, but honestly, I don't want to get too wrapped up in it. If she is gone, and I think she is, then it is time for me to go. I just need to be strategic about it for the sake of my kids and not let my emotions rule me. I am in a "no fault" state so it doesn't matter. I will not touch her, because I cannot stand her, and if she was cheating, I would not want to be subjected to an STD. I just feel stupid for having married her in the first place... I had some other options, and really could have done better. She was damaged goods from her childhood.

 

Man, I get you are going through a tough time but the bolded goes against most of how you described yourself to be in the OP, and rings very loud alarm bells - I get you don't like her anymore, but I would seriously look inside yourself and your own actions too in the last 6 years.

 

A 'strategy' is the last thing you need; a plan of action to extricate yourself from this loveless marriage (for both your sakes, by the sounds of it), no doubt. She's not being abusive to you, so frankly, I don't quite get why you need to plot all these things behind her back. Planning on blindsiding her with divorce papers, without prior discussions just seems underhanded and calculated, to me.

[desertfunguy]

A lot of emotions run through me when I write these things. My wife comes from a family where literally nobody is still married after a couple of decades. To them it is like "just part of the norm". This is how she see's it too. She thinks it is just part of a woman getting older, they move on and find a different kind of life. She has not said it in so many words, but she praises their choices and remarks at the newness of the relationships she sees. Not one person in her immediate family, including cousins, has a normal lasting marriage. In my family, there has been one divorce, on both sides, all the way out to my second cousins.

 

I need to be strategic, because she thinks of this like "breaking up with a boyfriend". She does not see past 30 or 60 days into the future, and cannot comprehend that she and I are both constantly changing as individuals, and that the trick is that we have to actually work at having a meaningful and joyful relationship. Nobody has puppy love for 50 years. It can be wonderful, if you allow it to be, but that is what she wanted, but cannot figure out how to achieve. She is unwilling to be open, free, and willing anymore.

 

She also has no idea that this is going to cost a lot of money, time, and resources. She actually suggested a business relationship, where I would build the family a cabin. She then said, "she knew we could always be civil." It would be "for the kids."

 

Because I have kids, I am definitely going to be strategic. My goal is to protect them. She has definitely checked-out in the forefront, and is doing things with a strategy of her own, but when she gets a reminder that this is a two-way street, she panics, and steps back. This morning, as I was working out, she came into let me know she had some errands to run, and was going into the office for a while. She never does this on a Sunday. I said, "oh, okay." After she left, the teens went to a friends house, to hang out. I texted my wife, "Kids at friends house, I am going for a little drive, will be back later." I never do this. I am being a wildcard. While I was at it, I went and looked at several properties to buy. I would have my parents buy one, and use it as a rental, until I was ready. I am lucky and can do this. She did not know that. I purposefully, left history of zillow, realtor.com, and Craigslist on the computer, and actually left in on the zillow site for her to find the listings.

 

She needs to know that she is not totally in control here. Is it a bluff?, hopefully. Today, after 3 weeks of playing with it, on a Sunday, while I am looking at houses, I get a text that she has made an appointment with a marriage counselor. I replied, "good" "Let me know when." (Realize that I went 2 years earlier, and she refused to go)

 

Today, she came home very quickly, and was pleasant to me. She was sure to show me shopping receipts and sent me several texts and two calls from stores, while I was looking at houses. She obviously knew what I was thinking.

 

She would live like this forever, and I have endured and played along with it, even acted happy and content for a very long while. I know she is not always purposeful, but she is cruel, mean and cutting at times, and tries to demean me, when she is angry, tired or I am asking for too much. I have never cheated on her, and I have not been kissed deeply in almost 5 years, so I think I am holding it together pretty well.

 

I know that I cannot hold it together much longer. She is not pushing this situation, I am now doing it. She would go to status quo if I just quit asking, and just stopped. I cannot live like this, and be a good dad, and sleep at night. For the past 75 days, I have needed Xanax to get to sleep. This is the only prescription medicine I have ever taken in my life, except for some antibiotics here and there. My blood pressure is good, I work out and do martial arts. I am very disciplined and am trained for all kinds of critical deceleration techniques including breathing techniques for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I actually work with people who have mental issues, and with extreme behaviors, so I know how to attenuate it. However, I also know we all have limits.

 

They say it is bad to stay for the kids sake. But, if you can act well enough and create a positive dynamic that looks Ozzie and Harriet to them, then this is not a bad thing. I do not yell at my wife, and she does not at me. It is the rejection, and the pillow placed between us. It is the cheek kiss, and the co-workers I have never met.

 

This will not end with a 50-year anniversary and two old people, that I am sure of. I have had many opportunities to cheat if that was something I would do. I have consoled many upset ladies, facing monstrous situations, worse than what I face. I have an outgoing personality, and make friends easily. It is sad that the woman I chose is not someone who will go through life with a companion who is the father of her children. To me, it feels like a failing. I have tried everything, and the bad boy routine is the only thing that works, but that too is not me. I am a good guy, and love openly, and honestly. I share my feelings and do not keep secrets. That all changed in this relationship, but it has been my pattern for all my life, until now.

 

I will not let this define me, but I will not be beat down by it either. I will protect my children with everything I have. Sadly, this woman who thinks so lowly of me, has a man who would take a bullet for her. That should stand for something, but in this world it is never enough. This is a casualty of a modern world that has let the family down; where faith and familial spirit have been butchered by our new social norms. How many cycles of broken families do we need to realize we are totally screwed-up?

[Dan1977]

When reading over your first entry quickly, was that you have been through a similar thing re intimacy as me, and it is a fast track to nowhere is the truth for both of us. If intimacy is gone, it's meaningless to me. I've had my wife reject me - and I'm extremely affectionate and sexual - for years now and I took it, and all of her emotional rejection as well. We are now broken and it is getting worse with time apart as i can see how badly I was treated and have gone to the arms of other women and realised how easy this is supposed to be, as clearly I'd forgotten. basically what i'm saying is, you're not going to fix it continuing like you are, you have to have a break, for both of you, then decide if it's worth it.

[BluesPower]

I think you have a fairly good view of things overall. I know that it hurts and to be honest it will for a while. You just have to hand tough with everything.

 

It sounds like she has so many issues that, probably, she will never really be able to work them out, you will never be able to help her either.

 

When you find out, if you decide to, that she is or has slept around on you, you have to keep your SH** together. That will hurt more even though deep down you kind of expect it.

 

Why people treat other this way will always be a mystery. You probably won't really be able to figure it out.

 

You will be much better off to end the marriage and move on with your life and maybe try to be happy with someone else.

 

 

I wish you luck...

[PrettyEmily77]

Ok well don't let this define you, by acting now. Be done with analysing her every move or personality dysfunctions and going over her actions from years back- you can do that later, when you're out of it, with professionals or close friends who can help you make sense of it. You are now in the heart of it, so you need to think about your emotional well being first, for the sake of your kids, who need one fully functioning parent.

 

Don't wait. The damage to your self-esteem will be even more devastating if you prolong the agony even longer.

 

I now understand what you mean about being strategic - you need a plan. Please don't do this by yourself. Get emotional support from trusted friends or family.

 

You can get things moving by telling her plainly what you're going to do, then by acting on it straight away. You don't need a deadline, things won't improve. Shift gears (legally) now. She's in denial anyway so telling her or not won't make a difference. Yes, do it the right way for your kids and for yourself, but do it soon.

 

Feel free to PM whenever you get the facility enabled.

[desertfunguy]

Well, I started the Atkins diet yesterday, probably not the best idea to induct myself into a diet plan when I am feeling like this, but I want to get into really good shape. My wife mentioned tonight, that she would try to get us an appointment with the MC for next Friday. Fine... but it seems like a low priority for her. At this point, I am pretty much playing along, although there is not even a touch of affection from either of us at this point. It has actually become repulsive to me to be near her. If she initiated sex without some seriously slow foreplay, I might just vomit. She is so manipulative and self-serving, and I am really just finished. I just need to figure out the logistics of this, and then I will see an attorney and will set-up whatever I need to so that I can be away from her. I need to make sure I don't do anything that will risk my relationship or access to the kids.

 

I was thinking about our recent conversations, and in one moment, she said to me, "I want you to stop pressuring me for sex, you have been good about that, but it makes me feel uncomfortable." This stung very hard. I am not pushy, and I am very nice. How many men would have endured years of a sexless marriage? Rules, and no kissing, no real affection. Whatever scrap she would give. In that sentence, she made me feel like a rapist molester, and killed my affection for her. I am sorry if I made her feel that way. It was not on purpose. I think that her saying that to me, is beyond dysfunctional, it is a designed phrasing to elicit a pain in me. She could have just said that we were going in the wrong direction and needed some help. I tried to go 2 years ago and ended up solo because again, it was a low priority for her.

 

I am really hurt, and am stunned at how cold she has gotten. I think this is exactly what she wants, and that wearing me down, to get rid of me, is a part of her grand plan. She cannot just be honest, and tell me what is going on, because maybe there is something else? She says there is not, but why would I think that she is telling the truth about this, when the whole marriage seems to have been a lie for her lifestyle and convenience.

 

I now feel beaten, lost, and really wish I was somewhere else. I am on the verge of tears every couple of hours, but am holding it together at work. This is beyond tragic, and either she is just a horrid creature, or she does not understand what this captured rejection is doing to me. It feels like she just despises me, and could care less. She has not touched me, or hugged me, or complimented me for anything in about a month - not even a hand on an arm. Why is she being so mean? If she wants out, just say so. Why are we going to marriage counseling? She needs to see a therapist for being a cruel and having no empathy, maybe she is messed up on her meds, or needs some, but it is again, a low priority. I have never hit, threatened or cheated on her. I am a nice guy, who is respectful. This is so unfair to me and my kids, and they are not going to expect this. I feel so devoid of anything right now. How do I go through this? I feel so lost...

[BluesPower]

Listen, you have to get mad about what is going on right now. Not outwardly, but on the inside. I may drive out some of the depression.

 

 

Get to the lawyer TODAY. Getting out ASAP is the only thing that will help.

 

 

You get mad and take care of business and you will start to feel better.

[desertfunguy]

Truthfully, I am livid, I am completely lit. I know that I have been the victim of mental abuse. The gaslighting, the lying, the twisted reality, the lack of affection and emotional connection, all designed for an effect. She is happy when there is lots of money coming in, and she gets to do things, like windfalls and other extras. She is unwilling or unable to connect emotionally, under any stress that a family might endure. On our vacation, sh accepted a $1,500 gift from a boss that was a nice trip for our family. We were spending thousands anyway, and it was not something we could afford in addition. She told the kids about it and got them excited. We accepted this, me reluctantly, because I could not be the bad guy and refuse. This is quid pro quo as far as I am concerned. This was from a male boss. Was his family aware of the gift? They can afford it, but that is not the point. One day, about a year ago, she came home and was acting mortified, a subordinate had accused her of currying favor by having an affair with a boss at work. She was really acting angry, but it was more like she was protecting my job and wanted me to be aware of things. That employee is no longer there, or her power has been diminished, I am not sure. I am starting to think that there is a connection here, either emotionally, or physically. I am sick, angry, feel abandoned, and without any joy. In my own work, I face deep issues, and complex situations. I work with many women, and would never accept gifts, or spend personal time with any of them. I am the boss, and understand that power role. I am curious to see what happens next Friday. Will a counselor draw out a conversation that gets to these issues? I am pretty sure this is done, but I want some closure, and honestly, I want to see her cry. I want her to own this behavior, so my conscious is clear and that I know I have tried everything. I feel soulless, but I will be okay, because I am very strong.

 

I appreciate the discourse, because it is the only thing that I have for support at the moment. I know I will need more, and I cannot wait for the opportunity to put a lawyer in this mix. Very soon. I feel terrible for my kids, and do not look forward to that conversation. I am sure she will spin things, but eventually, when they are mature enough, I will share with them, over 100 pages of journal entries, I have kept over the last 2 years. I will redact some, as to not overly vilify their mother. I am bent, but not broken. Notice I left out the appropriate title for what we call her behavior.

[BluesPower]

Good then stay mad, I hope you find a lawyer today.

 

I just want you to realize if you have not already, that she is having an affair with someone, somewhere, somehow.

 

You cannot lose your S*** when/if you find out. You should be expecting it. She may tell you when you present her with the divorce and she wants to "Save" the marriage, but don't count on it. Sometimes it will wake a cheater up and sometimes it does not.

 

If she has not gotten caught yet, she may not want to say anything. Also, be sure not to say anything about your suspicions until you know for sure.

 

Frankly, it really does not matter if she is or she is not. The way she is treating you is so out of line it is hard to believe.

 

Good luck...

[tisconfusion]

DFG, wow I was going to post my story here but after reading this I don't need to. We are living the same life and I am exactly where you are at this point word for word. I'd be happy to share a little more but I am short on time at the moment.

 

My quote for the moment would be sometimes people don't know what they have lost until it's gone. It may be time to live separately for a while to see if you drift closer or apart. If she is cheating it will perpetuate and likely be more obvious and won't bode well for her overall character. Maybe she wakes up and finds a new beginning and a way to start again. Either way a change needs to be made and people tend to be reactive rather than proactive, nothing gets fixed until it's obviously so broken it's just not the way it was before.

 

Keep your cool, and do not leave the kids if you want custody. More to follow and thanks for sharing.

[Jeff1690]

she said to me, "I want you to stop pressuring me for sex, you have been good about that, but it makes me feel uncomfortable." This stung very hard.

 

This is how it started with my wife and I. Active sex life then slowly but surely no sex at all. When I talked to her about it she said she didn't even think about or want sex. Then a year later I find out about the OM.

 

Will a counselor draw out a conversation that gets to these issues? I am pretty sure this is done, but I want some closure, and honestly, I want to see her cry. I want her to own this behavior, so my conscious is clear and that I know I have tried everything. I feel soulless, but I will be okay, because I am very strong.

 

Amen brother. I feel the same way. I will get through this, but like you I want her to give me closure, stop the lying, feel some kind of pain. Maybe we won't get to see it. Maybe we will. I think in a couple of years after this divorce she will come to realize what she lost. I intend to get my revenge through a new exciting life. She will be alone or in numerous ****ty relationships and remember what we had and see me living life to the fullest.

Edited August 25, 2016 by Jeff1690

[desertfunguy]

Thanks for the words of support. I am fighting hard to keep things under control. I still lean towards mental illness, instead of the affair, but it seems like that's the more prevalent experience for most people, so who knows. I don't really know what to think about the whole thing, if she has an affair going, then I would never even consider reconciliation under any circumstances. That is a non-starter for me, and she knows it. I told her this from the start, and I just could never love, or trust someone that did that. I refuse to grow old with that person.

 

If we did not have kids, it would be an easy thing to just walk away and find someone new to hang out with - I would not shed a tear (It would be an easy break-up and I would be happy to be done with it). Honestly, I am a reasonably good looking guy with graduate degrees and a great income. I sail boats, fish, am artistic, love music, wine and dining, so I am not some stick in the mud. I actually ride motorcycles too, and rode one 12000 miles to the arctic circle and back about a decade ago. I work with about 70 women, and all of them like me very much. The men at my work are good friends too. I am fairly accomplished, and I am not a couch potato.

 

Yesterday, an employee who is much older than me, complimented me on my interpersonal skills and leadership. I was surprised by this. It was really nice. She said something like, "You really know how to read people, and you are kind and gentle but also know when to stand your ground. You have really changed this place for the better." "I love working here now." It is hard for me to comprehend how so many people can see me in a positive light, and this person that I dedicated myself to finds me to be abhorrent? I really have a hard time being in the same room with her, after those comments, knowing how she feels.

 

I will be using an attorney with her, because she will not bend to my will without one, but I will burn down the house financially, if necessary to protect my kids and get a clean break from her. And yes, I will not move out of the house until an attorney gives me the green light. I may move into the guest bedroom. If it goes on too long, with the attorneys permission, I may start a relationship before being divorced and just move one. I have a lot of love in me, and need a companion to enjoy and spend time with. Someone who will be my best friend, confidant, and who will joke, love and laugh and never take themselves or me too seriously.

 

This is some real twisted drama that I think she may actually enjoy.

[tisconfusion]

DFG, as mentioned in your previous post I am exactly in your shoes, but in my opinion in much worse of a situation.

 

Hope you don't mind if I chime in but this seems to be the place to put this post. Please keep in mind this is not advice, actually most of the posts on this forum should not be misconstrued as real advice as each post is humanly disconnected, uniquely biased to each user and to keep anonymous many details are certainly left out of the story. Therefore all responses will in some way be biased. I say this be cause my wife is also posting on this forum and portraying me to be some angry wife beating husband when that is simply not true. I love her and our children. We have had our heated arguments and she does know how to push buttons quite well, has been verbally abusive, and has hit me many times before. Naturally very manipulative and angry due to much childhood trauma from her mother and going through her parents divorce. I have been dealing with this and many of her health issues for years. People these days are so willing to slap a label on anything for the sake of convenience when things are not simply black and white.

 

It sounds as if you care more for your children then wife at this point, or maybe that is part of an underlying issue. Your kids are teenagers and you have been married for 15 years, what happened first kids or marriage? This may play a part as they will be leaving the nest soon. My wife an I were married fairly young and had our first child young as well. I am by no means perfect, in fact likely the opposite of how your describe yourself. My father died when I was just a boy so my single mother raised my brother and I on her own. We were not wealthy but had great family and were loved. I am a self taught and self made man, in fact when we first met my wife and I started a small business together that we both run today. We are married, live at home, work at home, and it's just us and the two boys. Much of my struggles have been trying to keep things together over the years. At times I have had to both juggle the kids and run the business. She is a great mother but over the years I have truly felt like a single parent. Everything has been on my shoulders for many years, we struggled through the recession, competing with other businesses,with little to no family support, and since I am the only one who can drive everything revolves around and depends on me just to function.

 

I share you sentiment about the financial recklessness, she spends money with no budget in mind and we are constantly in debt. We are self-employed with an unstable income. I have had to file for personal bankruptcy at the peak of the recession just to save the house and the business. She had no problem using my credit cards and taking money from my family to stay afloat. When times got ruff she turned on me and said it was all my fault and I was a failure. (me and the other 1.5+ million bankruptcies filed that year) I have tried many times to supplement our income with extra work, but she keeps leaving feeling guilty for leaving her behind with not way to get around. (public transport is unreliable, and she is too lazy to Uber apparently) One of my biggest concerns now is that I cannot trust what she says and she does not have a real concern for my well being. Over the years much money and opportunity has been squandered. Pot ( for medical reasons but copious amounts! $60k+), alcohol lots of it, and $40k+ in plastic surgery / cosmetic procedures to date have destroyed us and we are not in a good situation right now. (Now her tits are huge DDDs! This seems premeditated as she keeps flashing them in my face but we are not really sexually engaged these days) She is addicted to shopping and won't listen to reason. We have two boys and little is left for the rest ofus after the dust settles.

 

The female of the species is more deadly than the male. Random but it's in the back of my mind and true in many cases. I remember a nature documentary about an arctic fox family. I watched as the male fox hunted the food only to have the female fox take it for herself and the cubs mainly to keep the male hungry constantly hunt for food. Naturally not a bad system, but at the end of the day I feel drained and tired, I have little to no time to myself, for self-development, and certainly no friends. We have been attached at the hip for ten years, literally we have not spent one night apart not one. At this point I am completely burnt out and I can't hold it together anymore she drains me of focus and energy. The constant anxiety and insomnia between her and the kids I don't feel I have gotten a good night sleep in years. (she has trouble sleeping so I am up in the morning taking the kids to school, she is usually still in bed and I am the one that has to get them to sleep every night at some godly hour, like right about now.) Any attempt to fix things literally blows up in my face. She hates psychologists and isn't even interested in counseling.

 

You also mentioned something earlier that is really plaguing this country prescription drugs. You mentioned Xanex, was that sarcastic or is that part of the mix? I say this because it has certainly been a factor that my wife takes regular medication that affects mood and behavior in the form adrenaline and rage. I know we live in a world were we are encouraged to have the latest and greatest of everything smart phones, computers, but my phone is older, cracked but I would rather use it or fix it until it stops working. I may be a bit old school in that regard, either way I just don't follow the herd. Considering she would not likely reciprocate that sentiment it now feels silly.

 

These days I feel like the current social / political system is rigged against monogamy. People are so quick to post "just let go there are other fish in the sea" on this forum without any really insight to the underlying problems at hand. Listen to any of the major radio stations, what are the majority of songs about? What I hear most are on the topics of sex, love and heartbreak/separation repeated very often. In my opinion we are being programmed to be divided and into individuals with wants, desires which as a whole would be easier to manipulate or control as a society than tight knit groups of strong willed people with common goals. (perhaps not intentionally as I am not really a big conspiracy theorist there are many natural forces at work in this equation)

 

I can't leave my boys, I love them and they need me. However, I am not sure the current version of me is what I want them to see growing up. I know I need help to change things personally for me, but that may only be possible on my own. Separation will not likely be easy as the coldhearted resentment has set in on her end and the legal battle will likely be a roller-coaster with custody and the business. I grew up without a father and do not want the same for my kids especially as young boys. My true weakness is that I have empathy and try to make other people happy. These days I don't see the point the world is so cold, f*@k that *ish. Like I said, I share your pain, I feel the same frustrated emotions that you have felt or are currently feeling. In my current situation we are literally both stuck with each other and there is no easy way out.

 

My instincts tell me you are the practical grounded one, she is spontaneous and creative? A Cap and a Gemini perhaps? I don't read much into those things and it's a simple guess, but I have a feeling I may be close or reading way too much into it. = )

 

 

pardon any grammatical errors or brevity, my three year old is now jumping on me and pulling off the computer! thanks for sharing...

Edited August 26, 2016 by tisconfusion

[desertfunguy]

This morning is a great example.... Here I am up and unable to sleep, posting an hour before my alarm would normally wake me. I hear what you are writing and feel empathy for you. My wife has not hit me, and if that did happen, I would report her for domestic abuse and have law enforcement remove her from the home. I would also document her with Child Protective Services. Law enforcement does not look kindly on medical marijuana, even if it is legal, and it is not legal to use it beyond its clinical levels. It is kind of liking having a glass of wine, vs. becoming a belligerent drunk. You should document that, as a judge might see things your way over that.

 

I just think you and I landed mentally unstable women. They cannot all be like this, ready to toss their men out and not be supportive, and using sex and affection as a weapon. It is really horrid. If a man stopped hugging his wife, or showing her any affection, then he would be looked at as being a victimizer, but for women it is commonplace. Who teaches them this?

 

I think I need to take action, or I will become a monster. I was not joking about the Xanax. I do take one each night to get to sleep. I am okay during the day, for the most part, and can trudge along staying busy with my work. In the night, after the rejection (every night), and I no longer ask or even attempt intimacy, I could not fall asleep without a pill or a large amount of whiskey, which is what I was doing before. I would sit alone in the jacuzzi, while everyone was sleeping and drink a glass of whiskey, water and ice that included at least 5 shots of Bourbon. Not a great choices.

 

There we are. Trying to cope, living the best we can - protecting our kids.

[Jeff1690]

Stop the booze. It will only lead to your downfall. She is controlling your mental health and well-being. Get off the Xanax. Focus on your physical health, work out. If you are getting up early do calisthenics for 20 or 30 minutes non-stop. You will feel better and in a short time look better which will help you mentally. Working out has helped me both physically and mentally and I feel better about myself.

 

I did the whiskey route for awhile and realized it wasn't the path I needed to take. Seen to many folks through time destroy themselves with alcohol. Keep posting your thoughts here. Work through it.

[desertfunguy]

Hi,

 

I stopped the alcohol a few months ago. I am not a big drinker and luckily do not have that addictive personality. I don't smoke and I do workout on a regular basis. The Xanax is doctor prescribed for sleeping only, because without it, I was sleeping 2 hours per night. I do not need anything like that during the day. Honestly, once this has resolution, I am certain I will need anything whatsoever, but my doctor of 6 years insisted that I take a daily low dose for sleep, after trying several other meds that were not effective. When I was on vacation, and was much calmer, I was fine with a half dose and on some nights no dose, so it will not be hard to remove myself from this at the end of this process. I think this is going to begin coming to a quick end after the first few meetings with the MC. We meet together next Friday, at that point we are both going to ask for an individual appointment. I am sure we will both unload separately, and then at that point it will get interesting. I would not be surprised if she handed me the card of an attorney, and at that point my response will be, "I already have one." I think my wife is just going through this step to be able to say "she tried", because she has made no effort to change any of her behaviors.

 

I am glad to be finally seeking an end to this dysfunctional situation. I just need my attorney to guide me and make sure I get 50/50 joint legal and physical custody of the kids and that the monies are evenly separated, in a fair matter. Then, I will deal with the kids support needs, and dig them out of this mess too and rebuild our relationships. It will be nice to be able to parent without having to do battle with an undermining force in my face. She can be permissive and wreckless from a distance, but it will not be in the time I have to role model stability, love and care.

 

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and supports, it means a lot to me that anyone is listening and may have some empathy for my situation. It is difficult to find compassion these days for me.

[desertfunguy]

I have a follow-up session scheduled not sure if she does. I got a momentary respite after the session, personally felt heard, by the counselor. I feel like I am being manipulated, but it could also be subconscious. This looks daunting to me, but I will give this process a chance to do some work, and simultaneously prepare for a worst case scenario. I am not feeling a big effort is being made, although she is being civil most of the time. Still there was some affection a few hours later, a hug, but nothing in the following day. I suggested going out to dinner, and she wanted to bring the kids, so we did. I was hoping for a little "us" time but not yet. She did go shopping with me, etc. I guess she is trying some, but has her own reservations and is not ready to work on any real impact. Hopefully this gets better, but I am ready either way. I feel very tired and frustrated.

[Marc878]

I have a follow-up session scheduled not sure if she does. I got a momentary respite after the session, personally felt heard, by the counselor. I feel like I am being manipulated, but it could also be subconscious. This looks daunting to me, but I will give this process a chance to do some work, and simultaneously prepare for a worst case scenario. I am not feeling a big effort is being made, although she is being civil most of the time. Still there was some affection a few hours later, a hug, but nothing in the following day. I suggested going out to dinner, and she wanted to bring the kids, so we did. I was hoping for a little "us" time but not yet. She did go shopping with me, etc. I guess she is trying some, but has her own reservations and is not ready to work on any real impact. Hopefully this gets better, but I am ready either way. I feel very tired and frustrated.

 

From reading your post nothing's changed. IMO you need to put a final date on it unless you want to be in the same position 2-3 years from now.

 

Yep, it's hard to pull the trigger but it'll be even harder looking back years from now in the same senario and wishing you had.

[desertfunguy]

Even if I wanted to throw in the towel right now, it would be a financial disaster. If I wait 6 months and carry out my financial plan and do counseling, then either it gets really fixed, or I am in a great position to end it. I am not weak, and it is not so much pulling the trigger, as deciding to do it on my terms, if need be. No matter what happens, in one year I will be a happy guy, that much is certain. I have a plan with fixed dates in my head, and will go through this process and will be the best man I can be along the way, but when the day comes, that I can easily exit, and this will happen sooner than not, then I will end it, if there has not been a dramatic shift in the relationship. I am spending that time dieting, exercising, getting in shape, setting up my finances, and making sure my kids are set-up too.

 

I would hate to look back 2-3 years from now and wonder if I had tried everything. I think you have to try counseling if you have kids. I want to be able to tell them that this effort was made, if this does not work out. Now that I have a plan and have a course, I no longer need the sleeping pills and am more relaxed. I am guessing it is not that hard for a good looking guy, with a big income, who flies airplanes, sails yachts and rides a Harley to get dates. I never had any issues 20 years ago, with no money, and imagine it is even easier now. I know that at the end of the day, I will not be a lonely guy anymore, one way or another.