Living together a month... When does this anxiety end??

[anika99]

Wasn't he your sugar daddy during the affair and wasn't he giving you a monthly allowance? Are you sure all that debt is due to the BS?

[imsosad]

Well, I can relate. My AP and I are in the process of divorcing and trying to be together and it is a huge transition.

Stay with me for a moment. Your narrative is that his ex is lazy,mean and the core cause of this situation. Still, he stayed with her for a long time and you are worried he may go back. I think a deeper,more honest and less one sided view of the situation might help. It usually takes two to destroy a marriage. Seeing their M as problematic due to two contributing partners might help you see her in a more sympathetic light and help you accept her asa part of your life. She is not going to dissapear, you have to find a way to emotionally deal with her presence.

As for worrying about cheating...well, it is always a possibilty I guess. I am knowingly entering a R with a cheater,but so is he. My goal is for us to work hard enough to figure out why we chose this path, so when we hit trouble,we choose differently.Putting it down to 'we were married to the wrong person' is just sweeping it under the rug.

Your anxiety is so understandable, just try to work it for you and not against you. I agree with Lady Hamilton, needing too much reassurance creates distrust. Im not saying not to share your feeling, im saying work with these feelings to grow closer,not apart.

Look, turning an affair in to a real R might seem magical and promising but in reality it creates issues, try to keep your expectations in check and be patient. It cant just work out instantly, but it will.

[Lady Hamilton]

Ugh, that sounds like hell to go through. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Not sure if his exw is a borderline like his is, but this is insane the way they treat people. We aren't even in the stage where she knows.

 

I had surgery early last month - when they told me I needed someone to be there before and after because of anesthetia I literally broke down and cried - I had NO ONE who could be there. I called him and he was there with me.

 

We've been "together" since November 2013 - it took until October 2015 for him to commit to leaving her, and then finally end of April 2016 for him to make it happen.

 

I'm proud of him for doing it - if not for me, for himself. I know "they all say" this - but she talked to him and treated him like total ****. I've read many emails and texts (some he doesn't know I've read) and he was so sweet to her and she just nailed him. I don't understand why anyone would treat someone this way - he is seriously the sweetest man ever. And I've dated my fair share of *******s.

 

My husbands ex does have mental issues and he was in an abusive marriage. Beyond that, though, when she saw a means to reassert some sort of control over him via the kids, she did (and still does) take it which I don't think is part of her illness, but normal post-divorce stuff. Especially if there's somebody new in the picture and the ex feels like they've been replaced. It's a means to try and reassert control and relevance in a way.

 

Understanding that she was turning it into a "me vs her" and using kids as the leverage really isn't about me and I shouldn't take his involvement in resolving it as a personal attack... I'll be honest, it took time. And so did his figuring out how to manage it himself.

 

Like yesterday was a very important day for us and of course she chose that day to hammer out a custody issue. She goes weeks without talking to us and won't answer texts until days later, but suddenly yesterday, a day she knew was key, she was blowing up his phone.

 

Now, we knew why she was doing it. My husband shot back three texts to her 3 dozen... One that said that the solution was to follow the custody agreement, the second was to say it's in the custody agreement let's just follow that, and the third was "today is a day that I need to support my wife, the issue with the kids is resolved in the custody agreement, please don't text me again unless it's an emergency because what's going on with my wife is the priority." And that was the end of it on his end, even though she kept madly texting and calling him and me out for imaginary slights.

 

It took a long time for him to get to a point where he didn't see the words "kids" in the text from his ex and didn't need to immediately reply to every text. It took me a long time to understand that just because she was trying to create a contest, it didn't mean I was being threatened and I had to answer back. And it took me a long time to realize that he could answer these questions during the in opportune times and it didn't mean he was making her the priority over me. It took us both a long time to realize that even though she's turn around and tell everybody "he's obviously not happy and hates her because I texted during her thing and he got right back to me so he still loves me and can't stand her" that it didn't matter. We know the truth and thanks to the last text, she does too.

 

Not every battle picked by her deserves a response. Especially with her illness. Sometimes it means there are lots of battles.

[Dancewithme]

Wasn't he your sugar daddy during the affair and wasn't he giving you a monthly allowance? Are you sure all that debt is due to the BS?

 

It is tricky to discuss the wife's spending habits and CC debt when you were ok with receiving the monetary and material assets from a married man

[SomethingToSay]

Unless you have seen each itemized CC statement leading up to the supposed $200k debt then you really have no place to say she is lazy and just shopped all day incurring this debt.

 

The fact is, this is not looking that good for you. MM is crashing at your place with no commitment. You are still a secret to his wife and children. So to think he can somehow rent a house with you in the next few months, and introduce the kids to you living with him, yet somehow make it seem he wasnt in an affair is pretty much impossible.

 

The best course here is for MM to rent or buy his own place in his own name. Date you for a period of 6 mo to a year, gradually introducing you into his chidlrens life, and THEN have you move in once he is legally divorced -- a year or 2 from now. Of course since his wife is a SAHM he will be payimg significant alimomy and child suppprt. Plus paying off what will likely be 50% of 200k debt altho you mentioned bankruptcy so maybe that will alieve the debt. Things will be tight and stressful.

 

All that considered, as it is now I certainly dont blame you for having anxiety he will leave. He hasnt even filed for separation or divorce. Has he retained an attorney? This sounds more like a little vacation from reality than a commitment of any sort, just based on what you have written.

[whichwayisup]

Hello folks -

 

I posted my story here about a month ago, before the move and a little after the move. He moved in at the end of April after a 2 1/2 year affair, his wife was very emotionally and verbally abusive toward him - this is fact, I've read all the texts and emails from 2008 til today.

 

Well, we are one month in living Together and it's been amazing being with him every night and coming home to him. I know - it's the honeymoon phase, but I'm enjoying it. We've become a team and its just so amazing.

 

He spoke to his therapist today, and his therapist told him that he made the right decision based on his circumstance.

 

His wife is starting to show signs of parental aliention, preventing him from talking with his children unless he comes over. She has continued to constantly harass and berate him, telling him the kids hate him. meanwhile he spends at least 4 evenings a week taking his children out and just brought his oldest to buy him a car yesterday after getting his license. No one knows of me - they just know he needed to move out and be separated at this point. He is going to file next month (if contested in our state there will have to be a 2 year wait from date of separation).

 

My question/advice needed is really around this anxiety. Every day I am just scared he will change his mind and go back to her. Is there a safe zone after a certain amount of time? I know to take it one day at a time, but I can't control this feeling of dread that it will all come crashing down.

 

Why did he move in with you? If he truly has left his wife and kids, he should be renting an apartment or a house. Of course you're going to have anxiety about your future with him, they are NOT divorced and nobody knows of your affair. Obviously he could change his mind at any time and move back home. It's impossible for him to just jump out of a marriage and run to you, he is caught between two worlds - It's so unhealthy what he's doing, living with you and not even legally separated with his wife who has no idea what truly is going on behind her back.

 

I say he should come clean and be honest. Lying and hiding the fact he is living with you will bite him in the butt later.

[lemondrop21]

Unless you have seen each itemized CC statement leading up to the supposed $200k debt then you really have no place to say she is lazy and just shopped all day incurring this debt.

 

The fact is, this is not looking that good for you. MM is crashing at your place with no commitment. You are still a secret to his wife and children. So to think he can somehow rent a house with you in the next few months, and introduce the kids to you living with him, yet somehow make it seem he wasnt in an affair is pretty much impossible.

 

The best course here is for MM to rent or buy his own place in his own name. Date you for a period of 6 mo to a year, gradually introducing you into his chidlrens life, and THEN have you move in once he is legally divorced -- a year or 2 from now. Of course since his wife is a SAHM he will be payimg significant alimomy and child suppprt. Plus paying off what will likely be 50% of 200k debt altho you mentioned bankruptcy so maybe that will alieve the debt. Things will be tight and stressful.

 

All that considered, as it is now I certainly dont blame you for having anxiety he will leave. He hasnt even filed for separation or divorce. Has he retained an attorney? This sounds more like a little vacation from reality than a commitment of any sort, just based on what you have written.

 

I suspect he would have a tough time renting his own place (especially one big enough for the kids to stay in when they visit!) if he's carrying $200k worth of CC debt. His credit rating must have taken a big hit. Even putting aside all of the emotional drama, there are so many reasons why this situation seems very problematic.

[Gemlove]

Hi all - sorry, went to bed last night and just getting on here now.

 

I can't reply to every single post, so I'll just post a response to some thematic questions/advice posed.

 

- I'm definitely good at not pushing him and drowning him in my worries. I've set a date of August for myself to bring up the topic of next steps to him.

 

- housing - I'm on lease until next May, so the plan is definitely to have him get a place in his name alone by Fall, with me moving in once my lease is up.

 

- definitely plan on easing in 6-12 months until it's revealed he is dating. That's been the plan all along.

 

- I don't get any money from him except the half of rent and bills at this time, the way our relationship started is not at all indicative of how it is now - I was bored, he was lonely. It happened and now here we are.

 

- her spending has been confirmed to me, I'm not going to get into specifics here, but obviously I'm privy to a bit more than this board is and what I'm going to share here. Let's put it this way - how can a man with a 2004 car with 195K miles, 3 pairs of shoes and maybe 10 outfits get into that much debt?? I mean - the $40K Neiman Marcus bill is obviously not his, right? It's probably the woman with the Gucci and Chanel bags?

 

- I try my best not to judge her or have any negative thoughts toward her, but I hate how she treats him. He is more than what she makes him out To be. But again, I'm the "home wrecker", so I get it. I'm just happy I could make this man smile again and realize what a real man he is.

 

- My anxiety stems from the fact that it is easy to stay, and hardest to leave. He's made me so proud of him for lasting this month - I've honestly been petrified that he would buckle under the pressure to return to his "normal"

Edited May 28, 2016 by Gemlove

[sandylee1]

I'd think the last thing he wants to do is return to all that abuse. He must be delighted he's finally escaped.

 

Logically - why would he leave a loving relationship with you for what he's been suffering since 2008?

 

I know people return and reconcile with abusers, but that's when they promise they to change and when the victim actually still loves them.

[loveisanaction]

You really shouldn't even commenting about his wife on here. She must have been a good person at some point because he married her and had children with her. It takes two to make a marriage and two to break one; it can't all be his wife's fault. Nobody knows what truly went on in their marriage not even you, you only know what he has told you but i'm sure his wife has her own side of the story. She may have been a *crappy* wife but even your married man said that she's a very good Mother.

 

I see a lot of other women do this. They throw so much shade at the married man's wife yet they come on here and ask for no one to judge them or make negative comments about them.

 

Throwing shade at a married man's wife eases the other woman's conscience so she feels less guilty about sleeping with him...*His wife treats him really really poorly; surly it must be okay for me to sleep with him right (uh-huh! keep telling yourself that).

[imsosad]

Loveisanaction, I couldn't agree more.

Reading on the boards, you'd think there are hundreds of perfectly great husbands that are being berated and crushed by cold, bitchy wives.

I think all of us M/OW would benefit from expecting some introspection and accountability for their part in the state of their marriage and their choice to stray.

I never let my AP speak badly of his W. Being married myself for 15 years, it was clear to me that there is always a dynamic and there are always two sides to the story.

I think that saying I married the wrond person,she's mean and thats why I cheat is deflecting responsibilty.

My AP often felt I was unsympathetic about this topic, but eventually admitted it got him thinking ling and hard about their M, and made him respect me more,for respecting her(to the extent that is possible in this setting, an A is disrespect by definition)

[elaine567]

He moved out, he is now living with you, I am sure his wife would love to know where he is staying and it wouldn't take a lot of effort on her part to find out exactly where he is staying.

He is lying to his wife here, but worst of all he is lying to his kids who are obviously not babes in arms and who I guess would expect to be told the truth here by their father.

The truth may be brutal but not as brutal as being lied to, to one's face.

 

Also, if he is in so much debt why is he buying his son a car?

[minimariah]

 

Also, if he is in so much debt why is he buying his son a car?

 

^ this.

 

& he and the OP are planning to purchase a house...? not really the topic but it does show that the OP needs to find some emotional balance & be more realistic about the situation. she's filling herself up with negativity against the wife on purpose, so it seems... it shouldn't be that hard to understand that while the MM might have been good to the OP, he was probably a horrible husband to the wife. that being said - their experiences with the same man are different so their reactions will be different, too. the fixation on his wife is definitely unhealthy.

[ExpatInItaly]

It will probably take a number of years before you feel totally at ease with him. You know what he is capable of and while it is not a given that he will cheat on you, you know in the back of your mind that his capacity to deceive is significant.

 

Your anxiety may start easing off once he becomes more honest with other people in his life, ie his children, and also when he actually officially files for divorce.

 

It is possible he will return to his wife. Only time will tell if he truly sees you as a long-term prospect.