Broken

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I don't know if this point has been brought up before but the fact remains that if the OP is really mentally anguished as she says she is, she is likely to mumble things while she is sleeping which could alert her husband as to what happened. Even otherwise her mental syate being what it is, she is likely to have an emoyional breakdown or in other behavioural ways give her ge away. I think she should take these factors into consideration before she decides to take her secret to the grave. My opinion for what it's worth!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hi Folks, I don't know if this point has been brought up before but the fact remains that if the OP is really mentally anguished as she says she is, she is likely to mumble things while she is sleeping which could alert her husband as to what happened. Even otherwise her mental syate being what it is, she is likely to have an emoyional breakdown or in other behavioural ways give her ge away. I think she should take these factors into consideration before she decides to take her secret to the grave. My opinion for what it's worth!

 

I did not have a year long affair....and maybe you get really good at deceit....I don't know....but I would think that hiding an entire year of cheating...would be difficult. I cannot imagine living in fear that my husband would somehow find out.

 

I realize many cheaters do not confess and are found out by their betrayed spouses....but from everything I have read on the subject....those cheaters who confess increase the odds of a successful reconciliation.

 

This woman expresses over and over her desire to save her marriage....which indicates to me she has a real fear of losing it.

 

If she intends to keep her affair a secret....why is she afraid? There must be some doubt in her mind that her husband WILL indeed find out.

 

Otherwise...why is today not just another ordinary day? She has cheated for a year....now she is not going to cheat....and she is not going to tell.

 

Why then is she so diswrought today? If she has lived in a lie for a year....and her husband suspected nothing....and now she is not cheating...why is it so upsetting?

 

Is it upsetting because.she is afraid he will find out? Is it upsetting because she is sad the affair is over?

 

The affair is over

She is not going to tell her husband about the affair...she is certain he will never find out

She is staying in her marriage because her life was perfect.(well except it was not so perfect because she had an affair for a year)

 

She is deeply depressed and upset.....Why?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Summer Dreams, one possibility would have been to approach her husband and asked for an 'Open Marriage', which, if he had agreed to, would have solved her problem. But then an open marriage is a two way street and she may have wanted her husband to stay monogamous while she played the field. Alternatively, if she was OK with that the possibility was that her husband would have found some one who rocked his boat just right and he might choose her over the OP. These are just possible scenarios but none which will come to pass because OP has already committed herself. Again, just my opinion.

[SummerDreams]

Hi Just A Guy, don't you think that after 13 years of relationship the OP's husband will find it weird to say the least that his wife asks all of a sudden for an open marriage? Don't you think this will make him doubt their whole relationship and his ability to satisfy his wife? Isn't a very harsh thing to do to tell your husband he is not good enough in bed? I understand that cheating is not the answer but at least her H does not know the truth so he gets hurt by it and the OP has stopped the affair.

[bigman1]

I find the OP's posting style to be very curious. Very minimalist with enough info to continue the debate, but not enough to allow conversation with the OP.

 

What is the goal? She cheated, claims the guilt was too much and ended it. She claims to love her husband, but not enough to avoid cheating or to be honest with him after the fact. We can opine a bunch of stuff, but unless this poster engages with details, or asks questions that lead to a decision, we are shooting in the dark.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I find the OP's posting style to be very curious. Very minimalist with enough info to continue the debate, but not enough to allow conversation with the OP.

 

What is the goal? She cheated, claims the guilt was too much and ended it. She claims to love her husband, but not enough to avoid cheating or to be honest with him after the fact. We can opine a bunch of stuff, but unless this poster engages with details, or asks questions that lead to a decision, we are shooting in the dark.

 

curious indeed....and discussed in private messages I assure you.

[italianjob]

It's getting peculiar indeed...

 

At every turn of the story there seems to be less reason for OP to be disraught as she seems to be...

 

Unless the sex at home was so bad she knows she'll have trouble not looking to cheat again...

[missy6six]

What is peculiar?

I came here hoping for some advice.

I have been as open as I can.

And people keep coming up with some really extreme theories about me (50 shades of grey? Racial preference? Someone thought I have a 2 year old!)

I'm.not sure what I haven't answered.

Despite that I have tried to absorb all options equally.

[66Charger]

Asked and answered. Most just want to know what was missing in your M in order to give solid advice. I dont think anyone here has a clue, by what you have posted. If you want good solid advice, answer some of the questions

Edited May 29, 2016 by 66Charger

[aliveagain]

Yes you are right.

Also because there is no way he will ever find out.

 

Why are you so sure he won't find out? We all did.

 

I don't want to hurt him.

 

How do you think banging some guy you met on the internet for a year will make him feel?

 

It is just not something I will do.

 

This is your choice but marriages with secrets have a very poor success rate.

 

It was a mistake and it will not be repeated.

 

It was not a mistake, turning left when you should have turned right is a mistake. Banging someone off the internet takes a lot of planning and deception, it was a conscious choice, a choice you will one day have to explain to your husband.

 

I know some of you feel strongly about telling.

 

We feel strongly because we all discovered our spouses infidelity and are doing our best to tell you what works and what doesn't from the perspective of both the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse.

 

But surely people have gotten through this without?

 

There are, do their marriages work, maybe but the odds of success are severally reduced. Any relationship with infidelity and deception has been forever changed and I think you are feeling that loss, it usually starts as a feeling of emptiness in your gut. The betrayed spouse feels the exact same thing. I spent days alone in a darkened room just crying and feeling absolutely alone. If you are here to find a method to help you bury these feelings while continuing the lie, try O/M O/W forum.

 

 

 

 

 

[italianjob]

What is peculiar?

I came here hoping for some advice.

I have been as open as I can.

And people keep coming up with some really extreme theories about me (50 shades of grey? Racial preference? Someone thought I have a 2 year old!)

I'm.not sure what I haven't answered.

Despite that I have tried to absorb all options equally.

 

You're right. I read a post by JS84 that mentioned a 2 year old and assumed I had missed that in your posts. My bad, I should have verified.

 

What is not clear:

 

1. In your second post you imply that if your filing had been a one off, it would have been no big deal. Why is that? In my book a mindset like that is maybe even worse than the affair itself, for the future of the marriage...

 

2. You don't appreciate your H sexually. You go out of town for business, so you have a job. Now it looks like there's no kid. For what reason do you think it's important to trick your H into staying married to you?

 

3. Given the above, the fact that you decided not to tell your H and are sure he won't find out, the fact that you are sure (I have my doubts there) that you won't look to cheat again, what is exactly causing your disraught, now that you stopped your dangerous behavior?

[Mrs. John Adams]

What is peculiar?

I came here hoping for some advice.

I have been as open as I can.

And people keep coming up with some really extreme theories about me (50 shades of grey? Racial preference? Someone thought I have a 2 year old!)

I'm.not sure what I haven't answered.

Despite that I have tried to absorb all options equally.

 

No one has come up with theories....we asked questions. I asked you was it a shades of grey kind of thing because you said the AP was dominant unlike your husband. You insinuated that that was appealing.

 

You are evasive at best. If you don't want people to comment then ask the moderators to close your thread.

 

You have not acknowledged one piece of advice or suggestion...do you disagree with what has been given? give some kind of feedback so we at least know if you are listening.

 

I asked you....if your life is going to continue like it did...with the exception of having an affair partner....and you are sure that your husband will not find out...and you will not tell him....then what are you so upset about?

 

What is it that is frightening you?

 

IF your husband does not know...and you are not going to tell him...then the way i see it...life will be normal....with the exception of no affair.

 

Tell me what you are thinking...because i really want to know.

[Maddieandtae]

Missey you aren't emotionally ready to be reading advice from an forum full of strangers to you. There has been many valid questions asked and advice given but at this point it must be making your head spin. Sure people what to have more information to fill in the blanks, I just think you maybe too confused to share and are also highly sensitive to what you share and who might read it. It's a tough position you have put yourself in. The paranoia must be doing your head in. I too made terrible choices, on my road to recovery it was solid counselling that helped me turn my life around. I will forever be grateful to the woman who quideded me back to health. I could never have joined a forum and opened myself up like a lot of people do. My counsellor had strongly encouraged not to join an online support group for quite awhile. It would have done me no good and neither to the people who saw what I didn't back than. Get professional help in an safe environment Missey it can save your emotional health. An professional can work with you on how to bring this to your husband. It's an hard road ahead and so worth the journey.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm.not sure what I haven't answered.

 

How about this:

 

How does someone in a "very good" marriage, half of the "couple everyone strives to be", end up leading a double life in a year-long affair? And I'm not buying the lonely/bored BS, people in good marriages don't feel that way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Missy, please answer this: why do you think you had this affair? What do you think you can do to help yourself never to cheat again?

[missy6six]

I think I had the affair because I was bored and wanted to feel desired

I know I should have spoken to my husband and worked on things

Instead, I made a bad decision and then I was hooked on the feeling

That feeling is not worth what I feel for the years I have spent with my husband.

They were temporary feelings and selfish feelings.

I won't do it ever again because nothing is worth destroying my marriage for

And any issues within it should try and be fixed.

[SummerDreams]

What are the issues in your marriage?

[missy6six]

I think the issues are more my own than with the marriage

It was me feeling bored and maybe a bit neglected

I should have talked about this and worked through it

[SummerDreams]

It's never only the one person's fault, that's for sure. What are you planning to do? Will you address your issues to your husband?

[missy6six]

Right now my plan is to not tell him.

This is the only place I have ever spoken of it.

No one knows about it, and he is no longer in the picture.

We agreed to cut all ties completely.

Some of you wont agree with that I know.

I plan to get some therapy and sort out what's going on in my head.

I think my husband and I need to reinvigorate our sex life a bit and that is something I will work on.

I have listened to everyone's advice but ultimately I need to make my own decisions.

[bigman1]

I think the issues are more my own than with the marriage

It was me feeling bored and maybe a bit neglected

I should have talked about this and worked through it

 

Do you honestly think this bodes well for your marriage? These are two of the most non-committal statements I have seen from someone claiming to regret their affair and looking to move forward.

 

Do you know if the "issues" were more your own or not? If so, what issues? How has cheating and guilt given you such clarity to self diagnose and form a plan of action? You just tossed this out there without committing to anything.

 

You also said, "maybe a bit neglected". Seriously? What does that even mean? Were you neglected or not? It seems like you are just tossing out a potential reason that is given by some cheaters and then waiting to see what folks say. Again, you have not committed and just tossed something out there.

 

Continually repeating that you and the other guy have cut ties and you won't repeat is meaningless. Breaking up is hard to do, is more than a song title. All that keeps you apart is time and opportunity.

 

Continuing to openly castigating yourself on an anonymous board for your cheating is really not moving forward. Perhaps you don't want to tell your husband because you would actually have to do some real work. Maybe open that Pandora's box that is you and your relationship.

 

In the end, I find that cheaters who bare all (with decorum), are honest, are not vague, and avoid platitudes on these type forums are successful. Why? Because that is how they become in their real relationships. Those, as you appear to be at this point, who are vague, selective in answering questions, evasive, defensive, and with hold information on these boards also tend to be the same in their relationships and fail.

 

Try typing multiple sentences that form paragraphs that address your situation as opposed to lashing out at challenges from the forum.

[missy6six]

I didn't consider this moving forward.

I considered it a start on recognizing what I've done.

Sorry if you don't like my writing style.

I haven't lashed out at anyone.

[bigman1]

Thank you for your reply. I have reached my conclusion.

To paraphrase the late great James Brown.

I'm gonna take it to the bridge.

I'm out.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Right now my plan is to not tell him.

This is the only place I have ever spoken of it.

No one knows about it, and he is no longer in the picture.

We agreed to cut all ties completely.

Some of you wont agree with that I know.

I plan to get some therapy and sort out what's going on in my head.

I think my husband and I need to reinvigorate our sex life a bit and that is something I will work on.

I have listened to everyone's advice but ultimately I need to make my own decisions.

 

I am glad to hear you finally say you will seek therapy. I think that is the most important thing.

 

It will help you to sort out all of your feelings and issues. It might even change your mind about some of your plans...once you understand more clearly what your actions have caused.

 

No one is trying to make decisions for you. We are trying to help you make your own decisions. It is ultimately up to you....but we are offering to you our experience and knowledge in our own situations. That's what forums are for...to share experiences and advice...and to support others.

 

But that support comes with differing opinions and different ideas. No one is saying their ideas are more right than anyone else's....

 

I have never professed to have all the answers...and even though I have been in reconciliation for 33 years...I am still learning...and growing in my relationship with my husband. I made many mistakes....in our reconciliation...but I have kept trying.

 

You may discover that you too may make some mistakes....and you will figure things out as you go.

[S2B]

I think I had the affair because I was bored and wanted to feel desired

I know I should have spoken to my husband and worked on things

Instead, I made a bad decision and then I was hooked on the feeling

That feeling is not worth what I feel for the years I have spent with my husband.

They were temporary feelings and selfish feelings.

I won't do it ever again because nothing is worth destroying my marriage for

And any issues within it should try and be fixed.

 

So what are the issues within the marriage that need your attention to be fixed? How can you participate differently to fix them?

 

Please be specific - you do have an evasive style that leaves little to work with. We can't help if you don't provide info that reveals what needs attention.